DISCLAIMER: Everybody else owns them but me. No infringement intended. All credit must go to ralst for the concept and the characterizations. I'm only borrowing a few members of the 'Group' to play with.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Special thank you to shatterpath, calliopes_muse and irishmysterywho collectively are responsible for inspiring this story. Have I mentioned they’re evil? Be warned.
SERIES: Part of the 'Femslash Advocacy Group' series of spoofs.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

F. A. G. – Super Elite Femslash Crack Force
By Geekgrrl


"In a time of meddling Network executives, writers' strikes, and falling ratings, fangirls in turmoil cried out for heroes...they are the F.A.G. Super Elite Femslash Crack Force, a mighty team forged in the heat of battle and cancellation petitions. The passion...the danger...the hot skin tight black outfits…their courage will change the world."

A dark shadow crawled across the crisp parchment roll, catching Gabrielle's attention and the movement of her quill stilled.

"What have I told you about reading over my shoulder Xena?"

Sheepishly Xena sat down beside her mate at the table outside their hut, a dark brow raised. "Just say no?"

Chuckling, Gabrielle turned to give Xena her full attention. "So how's training going?"

From the slightly elevated rise where the Queen's hut was situated, Xena and Gabrielle had an excellent view of the entire AmazonVillage. Looking across the main square, there was a large group of young amazons ogling, or rather, admiring the newcomers in the training field. Here the various units of the Super Elite Femslash Crack Force were being put through their paces.

Kathryn Janeway's voice clearly carried across the morning air, instructing her team on strategic phaser usage and photon rifle upkeep. Later her unit would commence phaser target practice. Sarah Connor, Ruth Truewell, and Jaime Sommers listened closely soaking up the information. Cameron meanwhile had quickly disassembled a photon rifle and was pointing out potential design flaws to a pleased Seven of Nine. Gabrielle had hoped the two like minded women might become friends. From her vantage point, the entire unit seemed to be coming along nicely as a well organized precision unit.

Helena Cain was also shaping her unit into a strong band, which currently were going over their afternoon recon practice mission to the Centaur village across the valley. Cain was giving detailed instructions to Krista and Chase, while Willow and Kennedy studied the field map with Starbuck. Gabrielle secretly called them the Crazy Bitch Crew. She still wasn't sure of Xena's decision to put vampires and slayers on the same team, but Xena liked the crackling energy it gave the team.

And Xena's smaller personal cadre of warriors was more than ready. Buffy, Faith, and Huntress were an orchestrated dance of death as they spun and sparred with each other. They had the largest group of Amazons cheering them on. Oracle meanwhile was running remote intel and communication checks, while capturing the workout session for the team to analyze later. Gabrielle knew she would, if needed, also step into the fray with this group.

Xena smiled at the obvious progress that was being displayed. "Training is going better than expected."

Turning back to one of the scrolls on the table, Xena ran a finger over the list of names. "I don't think we'll need this back up list just yet. We've got a lot of different law enforcement operatives on here we can still call up, but due to the murky legal aspect of some of the missions I think we should wait."

Finally Xena couldn't help herself. Tapping the new scroll Gabrielle had been working so intently on she leaned in to try to read it. "What is this for?"

Gabrielle stretched and ran her hands through her short hair. "Marketing. We need to start getting the word out to fangirls everywhere. So I'm busy working on the voice over for my new YouTube video."

Xena, distracted momentarily from the scroll by tantalizing flexing abs, rolled her eyes as she finally finished the paragraph.

"I'm thinking of using Holding out for a Hero by Bonnie Tyler as the music." Gabrielle whipped out her slim laptop that had been buried under the mound of scrolls covering the table top.

Squinting at the bright screen, Xena watched various pages click by, before something caught her eye. "Who's Gabs_Abs_3BC?"

Gabrielle blushed. "It's just one of many names I go by online." Coughing delicately, Gabrielle continued looking for her file folder.

"Lists of Bards?" Xena seeing another curious page. She was beginning to appreciate that she only had to worry about her elite warriors.

"Someone needs to feed the desperate masses, so I've started lurking online. Luckily there has been a flurry of links lately to available femslash communities. It's as if Aphrodite herself had set the wheels in motion. Well, she kinda did sparkle some dust over my laptop while we were chatting over that last skin of wine the other night…" Gabrielle tapped open a few more folders, still not finding the video clip she wanted to show her lover. Pausing she looked up and caught Xena's eyes.

"No Xena, I've come to realize that this is an essential team. With the L Word ending its run soon there will be nowhere for our fangirls to find canon lesbian relationships. Anything new with strong female characters and femslashy goodness is on the verge of being yanked. We have an obligation to help all those in need. The early estimates show that demand for femslash care packages will triple, if not more. We need to be prepared as soon as possible."

Xena ran a calloused hand along Gabrielle's arm, gently massaging stiff neck muscles. "No you're right of course. This looks like our new path."

"I'm just concerned a little about the legal side of things." Gabrielle rolled her shoulders enjoying the warrior's touch. "But there are the usual disclaimers in place and we have legal experts amongst us in case TPTB try to interfere…"

Xena stopped, shocked. "You don't mean you asked Alex Cabot…"

Gabrielle growled, low and menacing. "That...lawyer! I don't think so."

Gabrielle took in a few calming breaths and pictured puppies and kittens scampering in the sun before continuing. "No, Abbie Carmichael seems much more suited I think, with all that Texas fire just waiting to open a can of whupass. I keep meaning to introduce her to Jill Bernhardt, I think they might get along famously."

"Gabrielle, matchmaking leads to trouble, you know that." Xena smirked, already knowing it was a lost cause.

"I can't help it love, I just want them all to be as lucky as we have been." Gabrielle moved closer to her warrior, soft lips touching, tongues sliding and tangling with each other. They barely registered the high pitch whine coming closer.

"Incoming!" Janeway's faint voice floated over the morning air.

With lightning reflexes, Xena's chakram sparked out of its holster as she grabbed it and easily deflected the wayward phaser beam, never breaking their kiss.

"Sorry!" Cameron's apology soon followed across the village.

A chime from the laptop finally captured Gabrielle's attention, pulling back from their intense kiss.

Glancing at the instant message, she looked to Xena. "Oh, no!"

Standing, Xena ran a hand along Gabrielle's bare shoulder squeezing gently. Their eyes met briefly, and Xena turned to head back to the practice field sliding her chakram back into its holster with a spin.

"Janeway, Cain! Assemble your units for hand to hand drills. Alpha unit follow me. We have a potential shanghaied bard and have been put on stand by for deployment. Weapon inspection in 3 minutes and I don't want to see just pointy wooden sticks this time. Move it ladies."

Gabrielle sighed happily as she watched her warrior's cute butt walk away, secure in the knowledge that light would eventually triumph over the coming dark times.

And if Gabrielle just happened to have a highly trained, crack team of super elite warriors at her disposal, well, was that such a bad thing? Strategically placed redheads in each unit, were merely a coincidence surely. And if she needed a little help to ward off any rigged OTP voting or silly motions to ban redheads at the next Femslash Advocacy Group meeting, well, Gabrielle was sure that all of this would just be a happy bonus. Gabrielle turned back to her laptop.

"Yes, it's good to be Queen…"

Disclaimer: Although tempted, no evil bards were harmed in the making of this story.

The End

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