DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters, no infriengement intended.
SERIES: Part of the 'Femslash Advocacy Group' series of spoofs.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
DEDICATED: To the ever lovely theholyinnocent.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks to Ann for the beta.
FEEDBACK: To ralst31[at]yahoo.co.uk

F.A.G. Writer Down!
By ralst


The klaxon blared. Orange warning lights began to flash. The sound of running feet pounded down the corridor. Someone screamed. It was the nightmare scenario they all feared and for which none of them were truly prepared.

"Writer down!" shouted Gabrielle, as she barged through the doors to the conference room and strode purposefully towards the head of the table and the waiting gavel.

Alex was quick on her heels, for once not arguing about the chain of command as she jabbered away into her cell phone, ascertaining the exact arrival time of their missing members. "The Buffy crew are on their way from a ficathon in Dallas and should be here within the hour." Abbie Carmichael checked the names of the Buffy contingent off her list before turning back to Alex to hear the latest. "The Spanish girls have persuaded their writers to postpone the cross-fandom orgy for twenty-four hours and should be here at any minute."

"Why don't we ever have cross-fandom orgies?" whispered a newly arrived Scribbs to her partner. "Those Bad Girls lot are pretty fit."

Ash gave her a look that could kill. "Because," she said icily, "if you so much as look at another woman I'll kill you."

Scribbs lifted an impressively independent brow, "Fair enough."

"Be quiet!" Olivia Benson demanded.

"All of you 'be quiet'," Gabrielle ordered. "Not you," she muttered to Alex, an unprecedented smile of contrition on her lips. "We've suffered tragedies like this in the past," she told the group, many of whom lowered their heads in remembrance, "but no matter how many times it's happened, the agony is still so very fresh."

"What's happened?" cried a naked Catherine Willows.

Gabrielle blinked twice but otherwise failed to acknowledge anything peculiar about looking out over a sea of naked CSI's. "One of our writers is down," she intoned. "We have the hospital on line one," she shared a look of confirmation with Alex, "and we are hopeful of a full recovery," a single tear slid down her cheek, "but we won't know for a few hours whether or not..."

Xena made her way to the head of the conference table and quickly wrapped her bard in a comforting embrace. "The writer in question is one of Gabrielle's favourites," she explained, "and if anything were to happen to her..." She didn't need to explain; the loss of a good writer was something they'd all suffered over the years and it was a pain that never truly eased with time.

"What can we do?" asked Olivia Spencer.

"Keep vigil," sniffed Gabrielle.

"Is that all?" demanded Captain Kathryn Janeway.

Xena gave the diminutive captain a glare that could have sent her straight back to the Delta Quadrant. "No, that's not all," she hissed. "We can also do our damnedest to create as much positive femslash energy as possible."

A perky blonde squeezed into the hostile space between warrior and starship captain to add, "We've also been co-ordinating with the hospital staff." Arizona turned a beaming smile in Gabrielle's direction. "Scully just called and she said that the patient is responding well to treatment." She decided not to mention the brawl that had ensued when Scully, Kerry Weaver and Erica Hahn had tried to take over primary care for the patient and had been rebuffed by hospital security.

"She's going to be okay?" A glimmer of hope had entered Gabrielle's voice.

"Absolutely," confirmed the doctor, stretching the truth just a little to ease the other blonde's concerns. "She'll still need plenty of rest and positive energy, but we're over the worst of it."

A cheer rang out from the growing crowd and one or two hugs of relief turned into something that you wouldn't see on network TV.

"Wait!" Alex raised her hand to quiet the crowd. "We still need to ensure a constant flow of positive femslash energy." She scowled at the women not currently embracing the other half of their OTP. "That means we need more kissing and sex and flirting and grand shows of passion!"

A newly arrived Pepa Miranda turned to her wife. "Does that mean we should have stayed for the orgy?" Her voice lacked the excitement she would have felt in her pre-Silvia days; not because she disliked group sex but because it just failed to thrill her the way one-on-one time with her beloved always did.

Silvia shook her head. "No." She smiled and started pulling Pepa towards the nearest exit. "It means we have to find the nearest romantic location and make love with all the passion we possess."

Two police officers, four attorneys and a reporter were knocked to the ground as Pepa dragged her unprotesting wife to the door, a promise to have their ailing writer back on her feet in twenty-four hours following in her wake.

Olivia Spencer turned to Alex, a hopeful glimmer in her eyes, "Is that really all we need to do?"

Alex and Gabrielle shared a look of rare understanding before reaching for their girlfriends' hands and following Pepa's example. "Abso-bloody-lutely!"

The End

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