DISCLAIMER: The story, and characters and anything and everything else concerning SG: SG1 belong to MGM, Gekko, Secret Productions etc, they are so not mine and no money is being made from this and no copyright infringement is intended.
SPOILERS: None. Could be set at any point, probably Season 5. Lyrics Quoted from "If Loving you is Wrong" by Faithless. "The Power of Two" by the Indigo Girls. "Every breath you take" by The Police.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author
Fire / Flame
I felt it from the moment I first saw you, our new CMO. Something deep inside I thought long dead suddenly sprang into life, cold ashes revitalized. Just from the sight of you.
I did not want to believe that I saw an answering heat in your eyes.
And then I was sick, lost and alone, my body warping my mind suborned, alive to only the most basic of concepts: survive, mate, love, protect you. All for you. You were the One. My One. You were the one thing that mattered to me, that I recognised from what I once was.
You cared for me, reached out to find me as in my pain and confusion I reached out to you. And you were there. You found the cure, restored me to myself. I rediscovered the fire inside and knew now for certain that you felt it too.
The fire brought Cassie into our lives. I could not see her die alone. I knew that you had come to care for this lost child almost as much as I had. Because of what you had awakened in me I reached out, I gave her life. You reached out, gave her a life, made us a family.
But we still had not spoken of what we both knew lay between us. I was afraid of the fire, afraid of how much of my strength it too to keep my feelings, my desire for you in check. I was afraid of it getting out of control, afraid of being burnt again. Equally afraid that in keeping my feelings under such tight control that I would stifle them and put them out for good. Much that I was afraid of what the future would hold, I knew that I did not want to return to the emotionless person that I had been. I did not want to forget. I did not want to sleep away the rest of my life.
Somewhere between love and obsession there is passion. The first time. The last time. Always I feel it in your arms, in your touch upon my skin, the whisper of my name on your lips. It is a secret language of our own. As far beyond love as it is possible to get. Our existences, our souls entwined.
The first time. The first night we spent together, so hesitant, so gentle. A kiss, another, a touch, a caress. Your hands were so soft on my skin as you slowly removed my clothing. I think you were scared I was going to bolt. I wasn't sure myself that I wouldn't lose it completely and just head for the hills, clothes or no clothes. I have never felt anything like that before. Your lips touching mine, moving over my breasts, my belly, down to the source. You made me feel. You made me cry. Your fire consumed me and like the phoenix I was reborn.
Remembering, I feel tears prick at my eyes again. Tears of happiness. Four years on and you still make me melt inside with one look.
I gather myself. No time for this. I have to get ready. We are out on the town tonight and we are going to look mighty fine. Or at least that is what you assure me. You have never got the hang of my complete lack of interest in clothes. As long as they fit, they're reasonably respectable looking and my arse isn't hanging out, I'm okay. I have no idea what suits me. You helped me pick out my clothes for tonight on a recent shopping trip but what you are wearing is a secret. And you have coloured your hair again, a tawny blonde. It will take me a while to get used to this new you. But I have the feeling I will enjoy the experience.
Naked, I walk across the bedroom to the CD player, switch it on and press play.
++I'm a sexual animal, eat you like a cannibal
Crammed full of energy, I'm inflammable
So come here and get nice while I lick you here
Put your legs over there and kind of swing on the chair
I swear you look wicked with your panties in your hair
Eyes half closed, cute little nose
Oh lord this is going to last all night
If lovin' you is wrong, I don't wanna be right"++
[If lovin' you is wrong. Faithless]
The beat has me dancing but the tone is all wrong, though the description fits. I change tracks. I dabbed some of the essential oil that I know drives you wild behind my ears, in the cleft of my breasts and on my wrists and behind my knees. All the secret places you like to touch me.
++So we're okay, we're fine
Baby I'm here to stop your crying
Chase all the ghosts from your head
I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed
Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
We'll look at them together then we'll take them apart
Adding up the total of a love that's true
Multiply life by the power of two++
[Power of Two. Indigo Girls]
That was better. Adding up a total of a love that's true. Counting my blessing. You are my blessing. I thank the powers that be for you every day. You must have approved as I could hear you singing above the noise of the shower.
We have our own plans for when we come back from the party. There is a bottle of champagne, a punnet of strawberries and the biggest bar of the darkest chocolate you had been able to get hold of waiting in the fridge along with some of our favourite finger foods, sharp cheese, smoked salmon, salty crackers, grapes, cherries and pitted olives. We will feast off them and off each other. The look in your eyes when you hustled me out of the bathroom promised a great deal.
My clothes for tonight are laid out on the bed, the dark blue silk trousers and spaghetti strapped top of the same shade, a silk printed blouse in every shade of the blue imaginable to be worn loose over the top. The material feels good against my skin. My hair was more or less behaving itself for a change and my make up went on right first time. All good omens. I was just putting in my ear rings when the bathroom door opened and you stepped out. I was not nervous. The Major was ready for inspection. Only you have given me the confidence to find the feminine side of myself, to wear something like this. Only you make me feel like this. Only you.
"Why, Miss Carter, you're beautiful!"
I turn to you. "You like!" I see you. "Oh my!"
Your dress was old gold silk, cowl necked, falling low to show your cleavage to best advantage. It clung to you like a second skin. You ran one hand down your body the other resting on your hip, your eyes commanding mine. I felt your flames consume me, reduce my will to ashes.
"You look " I choked out.
"Yes?" you smiled, your head tilting slightly as you gloried in my confusion, and I could see the flames dancing in your eyes.
" amazing!" My voice is reduced to a sere whisper, the air burning in my lungs. Nobody ever got cold standing in a flame. I want you to kiss me to put out the flames, to fan them higher. For kisses will lead to more and we have no time and I need you to consume me. I stare at you letting you see the need in my eyes.
You do not move but your smile widens. You are going to make me work for this. I would willingly fall to my knees and worship you. Here and now. I am lost. I do not care.
I move towards you, reach out to touch your hair, your cheek. You make only one small movement, turning your head into my hand, your lips whisper against the pulse of my wrist.
I am lost. And I do not care.
Before your kisses were like fire on my soul but now it is me that is on fire. I burn for you. Only you.
I know when you are smiling, even in the dark. Now I feel you smile against my skin the gentle exhalation of your breath as you whisper my name.
"Do we have to go?" I whisper.
"Yes we do," you say. "I want to see all the men look at you, Sam. I want to see the desire for you in their eyes and know that they cannot have you because you're mine, aren't you Sam?"
"Yours," I vow solemnly. I don't think she realises that once she enters the room that no one will give me a second glance. She is a goddess in gold, from the tawny mane of her hair down to the strappy gold sandals that adorn her slender feet.
She reaches up, her hand resting on the back of my neck, and kisses me, careful not to muss my makeup.
"So, let's go," she smiles, takes my hand and leads me downstairs.
I try to make myself small, a shadow. At parties it is as if the walls are magnetic, the centre of the room filled with unknown dangers. I stand with my back to one, terrified that someone will speak to me, mortified that no one will and I will go home with my geekness intact, my social insecurity confirmed. Even though I know most of the people in the room, my shyness still holds me prisoner, anchors me to the spot. And then she is there beside me, her fingers brush mine for a second and she smiles and it is if I have remembered how to breathe again.
"You okay?" she asks.
I nod. "I'm fine. Now." I hold her gaze letting her know that it is only her that keeps me here that keeps me from fleeing to a dark quiet corner and hiding out until I can make my escape.
She shakes her head, smiles. "Sam!"
I shrug. "Once a geek, always a geek."
"I thought I had you better trained."
I grin, reach out to tuck a strand of her tawny locks behind her ear. "Excuse me, Dr Fraiser, but you can't exactly use that one any more."
"Damn!" The smoulder is back in her eyes again. "I'll have to think of something new then. I like a challenge."
The room is getting crowded. I shiver. She takes hold of my hand again. "Come on, I need some fresh air."
There is a small garden next to the hotel. The air is sharply cold but dry. I feel my body respond to it and then respond again as her fingers steal across my skin.
"Let's take this home, shall we?"
I nod, and it's a done deal. We say our goodbyes and go. I can't wait to be home and bask in the warmth of your fire.
I can't express to you how amazed and awed I am that of all the people you could have fallen in love with you chose me, you opened your heart to me. Every time I doubt myself, I only need to look at you. Your eyes, Sam, your beautiful blue eyes are truly the window to your soul. They tell me everything I need to know, banish all my doubts.
I think about you every moment of every day. When you are near it is such a sweet agony for me. Every cell of my being is aware of you, every move you make, every breath you take. But that's a different song to the one that has been running through my mind all day.
And as if you read my mind I hear it coming from the bedroom. The Indigo Girls Power of Two. A song that could have been written for us. Not that what was playing earlier didn't have its good points. How many people at the Mountain know that the aloof Major Carter likes to dance naked in our bedroom? How much could I get for the tickets?
I start to giggle, and have to pull myself together. I don't have much time here to make myself presentable. Not that anyone will give me a second glance once they see you in that blue silk suit I persuaded you to buy.
Four years. I can't believe how much you have changed me. How good you have been for me. I had got used to being alone, I guess. I didn't have a problem with it. I found it comforting that I could be self-sufficient. I got used to it. I didn't have to rely on anyone else. I didn't realise how much of me I had closed off, that whilst my career was moving onwards and upwards, my life was standing still.
And then I met you. When General Hammond first introduced us, when he asked you to give me the grand tour, I was so in awe of you. I mean we were the same rank and everything but from what Hammond had said you were the one who had got the Stargate working, you were this huge genius and apart from that you were a front-line soldier. What he hadn't mentioned was that you were beautiful and kind and willing to answer the million and one really stupid questions I am sure I asked you that day. It took me about ten minutes to realise that you were just as nervous about me as I was of you.
It took me a little longer to realise that you weren't used to people listening to what you said I mean, really listening. That you had got used to being regarded as some kind of freak.
But I saw you, a human woman, beautiful in so many ways. Not just in the physical sense though that was stunning enough. I saw someone who was a good listener, was generous with her time, her self. Someone whom I just knew from day one was going to be a very important part of the rest of my life, a true and loyal friend.
And I saw someone who had been badly hurt, who had been let down at one time or another by everyone who should have meant someone to her.
I realised quite quickly how deeply you hold yourself back from emotions, from getting to know people, from letting them know you. I know that you're self-sufficient, that the death of your mother and your airforce training compel you to be so. But things change. That's one of the first things you said to me, remember that change is the only constant.
But you proved to me that you could change, Sam. You proved to me that the damage to you wasn't totally destructive, that in healing you I could heal myself. And you brought me Cassie and gifted me your heart. And those things made me complete and happier than I've been my whole life. You always say that it was me who gave Cassie a home, a family. But what you don't realise is that it would not have been complete without you in our lives, my sweet Sam.
Happy thoughts. I realise that I am singing along to the song:
++ You know the things I'm afraid of
I'm not afraid to tell
And if we ever leave a legacy
It's that we loved each other well
Cause I've seen the shadows of so many people
Trying on the treasures of youth
But a road that's fancy and fast ends in a fatal crash
And I'm glad we got off to tell you the truth ++
[Power of Two. Indigo Girls]
I came to realise quite quickly how good we are for each other. Apart from the fact that we're both certified workaholics, of course. Yet even in that we complemented each other. Everyone else realised quite quickly how well we bounced ideas off each other, that the Ice Queen and the Napoleonic Power Monger made quite a team. They did not realise that we were the other halves of each other's soul.
If only they knew the truth.
But that's one more secret we have to keep.
I remember the first night we spent together. I could feel how badly you were shaking and I wanted to say that we could take it as slow as you wanted that we could stop this at any time, but something stopped me. I wanted you so badly. I forced myself to be slow and gentle drinking in every gasp, every cry. We mirrored each other's movements working out together what felt right, what felt good. When you came, I got the feeling it was almost a religious experience for you and I felt so sad that no one had made you feel that good before and so happy that I was the one for you. And there were no words for how you made me feel. How you still make me feel, four years later.
I shut off the shower, wrap myself in the warm fluffy towel you thoughtfully left on the rail for me and examine my reflection in the slightly misted mirror.
One thing you have never quite got the hang of is my need to fiddle with my hair. So the look on your face when I came home blonde was something to behold. Shock, almost fear and then pure lust.
Well, they always said that blonde's have more fun. I am looking forward to finding out if that is true.
I dry, powder and perfume myself in all the right places, finish drying off and styling my hair, deciding to leave it down, not that it's particularly long enough to put up at the moment and put on the minimum of make-up, concentrating on lips and eyes, getting that sultry look that I know drives you wild. And I have all night to make you simmer. And then after the party we can have our own private get-together, our own midnight feast.
The dress. I get it out of the bag and admire it again. I haven't let you see it and I know you're dying of curiosity especially as I know exactly what you're wearing. Mainly because I just about forced you at gunpoint into buying it. It's taken me time but I think there are actually colours in your wardrobe now other than black, denim blue and the occasional flash of red.
Gold. Silk. Sheer. Sexy. Cost me a couple of months salary but what the hell. The moment I saw it I knew I had to have it. I also knew that there was no way you were going to be out of Radio Shack for at least an hour or until I made good on my usual threat to come and drag you out by the ear. I like to think I am getting you trained.
I slip into the dress and then the sandals I bought to go with it. I feel like a goddess. I look I don't look like me but I like the person that is looking back at me. I look dangerous. Hell, I look hot.
Time to make my move.
"Why, Miss Carter, you're beautiful!"
You liked. A lot. You still got it, Janet Fraiser, I congratulate myself. You look amazing, beautiful in shimmering blues that bring out your eyes, the paleness of your skin and makes your hair shine.
We look so good. And no one else will get a look-in. You move towards me, reach out to touch my skin, my hair and the love that I see in your eyes overwhelms me, the cool blue flame of your soul reaches out to engulf me and I bathe in it. Nobody ever got cold standing in a flame. And as long as you are with me and as long as you love me I know I will never be cold. As you touch my cheek I turn to kiss the pulse point on your wrist and I whisper your name and that I love you.
Again our thoughts run on similar lines. "Do we have to go?" you whisper.
"Yes we do," I say, letting you hear the regret in my voice. And then I tell you why I want to go so I can watch all the men watching my beautiful girl, my goddess in blue. You tell me again that you are mine.
I realise I have teased you enough and I reach up to kiss you, holding you against me. You smelt so good. I had half a mind to blow off the party and just spend the night with you here. At least here we could slow dance together. Maybe later. We might just slow dance all night.
"So, let's go," I smile, take my lover by the hand and lead you downstairs.
I do the usual meet and greet, keeping an eye out for you. I know what you are like at parties. How someone who can stare Goa'uld System Lords coolly in the eye can become a lost little girl in front of a group of people, most of whom you know, escapes me. But it is part of who and what you are. You stand with your back to the wall, a half-drunk glass of white wine in one hand. If I asked you how many tufts of wool to the square inch there were in the carpet you would be able to tell me. I can tell that you have just about reached your limit. Another half hour or so and we can legitimately make our escape.
You are so lost within yourself that you don't realise I am there until I touch your hand. I realise that you are close to bolting you are so uncomfortable in your own skin at the moment. If you were holding a P90 and wearing your combats it would be a different thing of course.
You insist that you are fine, make some crack about your geekiness and I manage to get you into our familiar banter. Then you say something that throws me. I can't call you for being a blonde any more.
"Damn!" I'll have to think of something new. Hell, I might even have to get heightist, even though I know I'll come out a loser on that one.
We slip out for a breath of fresh air. In the darkness we can relax a little more and I realise that I have had enough of the party as well. I want to be alone in the dark with you the light of my life, be a moth to your beautiful flame.
"Let's take this home, shall we?"
You nod. We get our coats and not bothering to make our excuses merely say our goodbyes. We have more important things to do. I have a flame that needs tending.
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