DISCLAIMER: Don't own them. I'll put them right back where I found them (almost unscathed).
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks to Allie, the beta.
The rim of the grave slowly drips the churned up slush into the depth as they lower the casket.
I find it suitable. As I don't, can't cry at least something does.
The faces around the grave look pale against the black jackets accented by the dreary snow covering the grounds.
As I, no one cry.
Except for one whom I can't see though I feel her steady hand in the small of my back. It's grounding me, keeping me within the realms of some sort of reality. And I know she is crying. She always cries at funerals.
I feel a small gentle push from her bringing me out of my daze. This week she has been keeping me together as it were, at least in public. I step forward and accept the small shovel from the minister mechanically taking part in a ritual I couldn't care less about.
Earth now claims my love. And yet again I'm alone in this world.
They all file past me offering useless sentiments. And I do my part as expected.
None finds it odd that she is by my side. As far as I can tell they find it fitting. An odd repayment of a service I was never allowed to offer her.
As the last ones leave I stumble towards the car just wanting to get away. When I skid on an icy patch her arm is there steadying me. The irony is not lost on me. I look at her and gratefully take her hand, squeezing it. She hasn't lost the calluses yet and they graze against my palm.
After the reception she takes me as she has done since that dreadful night to her house.
I'm so numb but it is not from the cold. She rids me of my oversized coat and helps me balance as I slip off my boots.
"You want to lie down a bit?"
I nod and slowly walk to the now so familiar guest room.
Lying on my back I stare up at the ceiling. So damn numb.
There is a light knock on the door.
She walks in and puts down a mug of tea on the bedside table then sits on the edge of the bed facing me.
I nod and give her a small smile, "Can't sleep though."
I can see in her eyes that she knows all too well what I'm talking about. She reaches out and gives my knee a gentle squeeze.
"I have to go pick up Henry. Will you be okay?"
To tell the truth I'm petrified that she is leaving. I feel so raw. As if anything can take a hold of me and push me over the edge. My only hold on this world is her constant presence and she has to leave me for half an hour. Worlds can change in half an hour.
Bravely I nod, "Sure."
She isn't fooled, "I'll be back in 20 minutes and I'll have my cell phone on me. You'll be able to reach me all the time, okay?"
"Yeah." I nod.
The knee gets a final pat and she gets up and heads for the door.
She turns, "Yes?"
"Abby anytime. Anytime."
The night is here. Sleep isn't. I lie in bed staring at the random shadows across the ceiling.
And then somewhere between 3 and 4 a.m. the baby gets restless and as I feel it push against my hand on top of my belly it finally hits me.
We are alone. The baby will never know its father and I won't have my husband by my side ever again. Alone.
I manage to hide my face in the pillow before the wave hits me and I wail the loss and sorrow into the muffled dark.
Then the bed shifts and gentle hands release my grip on the pillow.
I didn't even hear her come in. She puts the pillow in the crook of her arm and pulls me into her embrace. And it feels safe to feel. So I cry myself out for him while being safely embraced.
Apparently I fell asleep in her arms. As I wake it is still dark out. In a split second all the feelings flood back and I gasp for breath.
Kerry stirs in her sleep, pulling me tighter onto her chest, and a soft snore escapes her.
Oddly it calms me. I lie there listening to her snores and all the nights when I lay next to Luka listening to his breathing seeps back. And I calmly drift back to sleep lulled by Kerry's breathing.
The morning after we slept in the same bed together, I wake up feeling like I'd actually slept. But I can sense she isn't there. I turn over and feel the pillow next to me. Still warm.
I sigh and look up into the ceiling, which I by now know by heart.
Today it is 10 days since he left me. Died in my arms.
We see it every day at work and yet never imagine our own lives torn apart so abruptly.
I remember clinging to him like a maniac as they wheeled him, us, into the ER.
And Kerry. I remember her. Someone called her down. Chuny? I don't know.
She was there for me. Not with meaningless words or gestures. Just there for me.
There is a soft knock on the door and I can't help smiling as I know what's coming next. The start of the morning routine. I like the predictability of it.
Kerry pushes open the door. Mug of coffee in one hand and in the other, a plate with a toasted bagel.
She still walks with a slight limp and now and then still gathers things she could more easily carry in two hands in her left hand. Like two mugs. Guess it takes time getting used to actually having two hands available.
I've never told her but I find her immensely brave for having the surgery. Maybe some day I will find the courage to let her know.
She smiles at me as she puts the breakfast on the bedside table.
"You look so much better this morning."
"I slept." I smile back at her.
She sits on the edge of the bed, again facing me. Her hand caresses my knee, or rather the comforter covering it.
"Kerry " I want to thank her but the words fail me.
"Abby " She lightly shakes her head and somehow I know exactly what she would have said if she could find the words. I'm safe here and I have no need to worry about my situation in this house. She sees to that.
We look at each other. A silent understanding between us.
My knee gets a final pat and she gets up, "I'll go get Henry up."
"Okay." I reach for the coffee mug and take a sip as she slips through the door.
As I eat, half a bagel this time, more than I have usually been able to force down, I listen to Henry's laughter and Kerry's giggles through the half open door.
Though I'm waiting for and looking forward to the next part of the morning routine I get lost in my thoughts.
Kerry has managed to raise her beautiful son alone. He is a happy and trusting child. Inquisitive, intelligent, funny, quirky and so full of love for all creatures.
I know Kerry has her own demons to tackle and yet her son has known no hardship.
Will I be able to raise Luka's and my child with such love? Will I be able to keep my demons at bay? Or will I be my mother's daughter?
I don't have the answers and I don't have my Luka.
The panic roars in tightening its grip around my chest. I gasp trying to breathe, trying to fight it off.
"Abby?" A small voice calls from the door and I'm so relieved for the distraction.
"Can I listen?"
I grin at him, the demons dispersing. Here comes part two of the morning routine. "Of course."
His face beams and he practically runs in crawling on top of the covers with his mother's spare stethoscope in his small hand.
He very seriously arranges it correctly as his mother has taught him and inserts it into his ears. I pull up my t-shirt exposing my bulging stomach and he warms the scope in his tiny hands before starting his daily search for the baby's heartbeat.
I watch his serious concentrated face and feel, I realise, at peace.
Instantly the feeling is replaced by bad conscience. I can't be happy. Not now. Ever?
Henry's serious face breaks out into the widest grin as he hits pay dirt. He looks at me, the wonder and happiness in his beautiful face dispels my dreary thoughts.
"Did you find it?"
He nods almost shaking the oversized stethoscope out of his ears. "When will it come out?"
"Oh well. Let's see " He knows I'm teasing him because we have been doing this since my second morning here. "One day less than yesterday you asked me."
He grins, "Soon?"
"Yes, dear. Soon!"
Oh my god I can't believe it's happening. Oh my GOD!
I crawl out of bed half embarrassed of the state of the bed and wholly panicking.
Her rapid steps down the hallway pre-empts her pyjama clad body in the doorway.
I'm trying to stay calm but my hands are shaking and so is my voice I realize, "I...I I the water " And I feel tears burning through and it makes me panic even more. I gasp for air.
Instantly she is with me, her gentle hands grasping my face forcing me to look at her.
"Abby sweetie calm down. It's going to be okay."
"I'm so sorry Kerry. I messed up the bed. I'm sorry " I stumble over the words, embarrassed beyond belief. I feel dirty. Disgusting in my soaked clothing.
I try to fight it but the utter hollowness claims me. Too much. It is all just too much. I can't do this now. Not without Luka.
And to mock me my body contracts.
I grunt trying to block it out. If I do maybe it won't happen. Another mockery.
"I can't do this. I CAN'T!" I wail, pulling away from Kerry's hands. "I HATE THIS. IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS! I hate THIS!" I yell and strike my round belly.
"ABBY!" Kerry grabs my hands but I really don't register it and are about to have another go.
"STOP! You are scaring Henry!"
If she had slapped me the effect wouldn't have been as immediate. I look over at the door and find Henry there with his beautiful brown eyes full of fear and confusion.
"Oh Henry." I drop cumbersomely to my knees and he runs into my embrace burrowing his face in the crook of my neck. "I'm sorry, Henry. Did you get scared?" He nods against my shoulder.
I sigh and gently pet his curls, "I'm sorry, sweetie. I got scared too. That's why I yelled. I didn't mean to frighten you."
He lifts his head and looks me in the eye, "Why did you get scared?"
I look up at Kerry watching me with a mixture of concern and professionalism. And I just can't help but smile as something completely corny comes to mind.
I softly whisper to Henry, "Because I forgot that your Mother is here. And she will help me and make sure nothing bad happens."
"Oh Okay. Is it coming now?"
Standing up with his hand in mine I smile at him,"Yeah, I guess there's no getting around that now."
He absolutely beams, "Momma the baby is coming!"
Kerry smiles and holds out her arms for him. He lets her lift him up onto her hip.
"Yes the baby is coming. Henry, we are going to need you to be a really big boy while Momma and Abby get ready to go to the hospital. Do you want to watch some cartoons? I doubt you are in the mood for sleep?"
"Cartoons!" He exclaims with glee.
"Okay. And then later Grandma will look after you while we are at the hospital."
Kerry smiles and looks over at me, "I'm just going to go set him up. Will you be okay?"
When they have left the room I instantly start for the dresser. If I keep busy all those numbing thoughts might stay at bay.
I find a pair of clean panties and a pair of maternity pants and go to the guest bathroom. For a moment I hesitate but finally decide that there will be time for a tub.
After shrugging off my soaked clothing I grab the bathrobe and leave the sodden items in the sink with the water running.
While the tub is filling I strip the bed and can't help grimacing as I discover that the mattress has a rubber sheet on. Kerry has put three sheets on top of it so it didn't feel uncomfortable to lie on.
I should have known she would've thought of that. She isn't the boss for nothing. And yet I panicked when I thought I had ruined her mattress. Oh well.
As I rinse out the items in the sink another contractions hit me.
"Jeezzz" I growl while holding onto the sink.
"Another one?" Kerry asks entering.
I can only nod.
She places her hand in the small of my back and calmly rubs it.
"Sorry I yelled at you Abby."
I snort through the pain,"Oh come on Kerry. I'm the one who needs to ap...Oh dear!"
"Breathe." She continues her ministrations, "You never have to apologize to me."
She says it so easily.
Before I react she continues, "You will have plenty of time for the tub. Don't feel you have to rush. I'll double check the bag. Felina will be here in 45 minutes."
I named him Lukas.
Kerry found it cheesy but cute so Lukas it was.
He took 16 hours to get here but all was forgiven when they put him on my stomach.
And Kerry cried. I guess I did too.
She was with me all the way. All my ranting and complaining was water off a duck's back with her.
I stay a couple of days at the hospital with him. Henry comes to visit us both days, deeply fascinated by the little pink mass that's my son.
Kerry tells me that she put Henry's old crib up in the guestroom and I'm inwardly immensely relieved.
"I should get back to my own place soon."
"There is no rush, Abby. I would like you to stay as long as you need. We enjoy having you."
Kerry grins, "Please Abby. Would I lie to you?"
I chuckle, "Who knows?"
She grins and gives me a quick goodbye hug.
The next day when we get back to Kerry's Henry proudly shows us his old crib and helps tuck in Lukas.
It is good to be back. I can't deny that. Kerry has picked up some more stuff from my place and I have all I need, at least materialistically speaking.
Kerry cooks one of her famous dinners and we all fall back in the routine we had gotten used to.
I do the dishes as she gives Henry his bath and dresses him for the night. I make tea for Kerry and I and hot cocoa for Henry. We sit in the living room enjoying our hot drinks and either watch a cartoon or play a card game.
When it is Henry's bedtime either Kerry or I help him brush his teeth, tuck him in and reads him a story while the other makes us another cup of tea. After Henry falls asleep we watch TV or rather I watch and Kerry does paperwork. And it has been like that since I got there.
The only change to our routine now is my son. He is easily incorporated.
But at night the fears creep in again. While at the hospital I was too exhausted not to sleep. Not so any longer.
The familiar patterns of the ceiling deride me. I find no distraction there.
I wonder how long it will be before that empty gnawing ache inside me dissolves.
It's been a little over a month and of course I still miss him terribly. But I have to start getting my act together. I can't impose on Kerry forever.
She helped me with all the red tape. She took care of all practical matters. I owe her so much.
And right now I wish she lay beside me.
The nights that passed between falling asleep in Kerry's arms and Lukas' arrival were spent with fitful dozing. Twice Kerry came to me and both times I slept like a baby.
How I long to be calmed by the rhythm of her breath.
But I don't deserve it. And I don't deserve to be taken care off like this. I need to get my act together. It's not like I'm the only one who has ever lost their loved one.
I stare at the ceiling.
"Are you sure, Abby? Tomorrow?"
"Yeah. Don't look so worried!" I smile at her. "It's not like I can't call you when I panic over Lukas' having colic or some such thing."
"Well, please call me at any time." She looks like she is about to say something more but changes her mind.
"So what are you cooking me tonight?" I say teasingly. "Better be good farewell dinner and all."
She's distracted and it takes a moment before she reacts.
"Oh ah mac and cheese. From a box."
She is teasing me and I stick my tongue out at her.
"Better not let Henry catch you doing that! Took me weeks to get him to stop blowing raspberries after you showed him how to." She waggles her finger at me.
"Well, there is something to remember me by."
She snorts, "Go pack before I throw you out right now. And then come have dinner."
I reach out my hand and she clasps it, giving it a quick squeeze. She then turns and head for the kitchen and I head for the guest room.
She makes my favourite dish. Not mac and cheese from a box.
We sit all three enjoying our last evening together chatting and laughing at Henry's stories.
The routine doesn't change and when Henry and Lukas are down for the night Kerry and I drink our tea on the couch watching TV.
We chat about work, my apartment, nothing really. But it gets really late. I don't want to go to bed because this is a much nicer alternative to not sleeping.
And Kerry seems reluctant to end it too.
She finally sighs, "Work tomorrow. I better turn in."
Neither of us move.
"Abby I hope you'll come visit us often."
I smile, "You wouldn't be able to keep me away. Not the way you've been feeding me."
A shy smile crosses her face. I reach over and draw her in for a tight hug.
As I hold her tight I try to convey my immense gratitude. I've tried to tell her in words but they don't suffice.
"Kerry thank you!"
"Anytime Abby Anytime."
And so life goes on.
Lukas grew rapidly as kids do.
I started work again.
Kerry, Henry, Lukas and I had dinners with regularity. Or just hung out.
And before I really noticed it had been over a year since Luka died.
But the ache never left me.
Nights were never ending.
And I ached for something I couldn't quite grasp. Couldn't reach.
As I lay at night staring at my own ceiling I tried to analyse the void inside me.
I thought it was because I still longed for Luka.
But one night as I lay there listening to Lukas' light breathing I realised that it wasn't.
And the comprehension knocked the air out of my lungs.
So another couple of months pass while I try to deny to myself that I even had those thoughts. And if I thought I didn't sleep before I was sorely mistaken.
And then I find myself on Kerry's doorstep late one night.
"Abby! What's wrong?"
"Ah May we come in?"
"Yes, of course! I'm sorry."
Stepping aside she lets us in. Lukas is fast asleep in my arms and she takes him from me so I can get out of my coat.
She smiles at Lukas' peaceful face, "Shall I put him in?"
Kerry has kept the crib in the guest room for us in case we had a late night there. I watch her receding back as she carries my son towards the room.
Normally I would have gone into the kitchen to make us some tea but tonight I just stand there looking after her.
She is wearing a dark green silk pyjama I gave her for Christmas and nothing on her feet. And she has her glasses on, so she has already taken her contacts out in readiness for bed. On the coffee table there are stacks of paperwork from the hospital. An empty mug is on top a particular large pile.
"Earth calling Doctor Lockhart!" Kerry is smiling at me from the kitchen door.
I start and try to get myself together.
"Can I make you some tea, Abby?"
Finally able to get my feet unstuck I reach for her empty mug while mumbling a soft affirmative.
As she prepares tea I sit at the kitchen table watching her. She sends me small looks as she readies the mugs.
"Abby, I'm sorry to say so but you look like something the cat dragged in."
I snort and shrug my shoulders. She comes up next to me and starts gently running her fingers through my hair.
It is almost too much. I'm afraid to move.
"Trouble sleeping still?"
I sigh and nod. Her arms sneak around my shoulder and she pulls me into her body, hugging me and kissing the crown of my head.
"It will go away Abby. You have to give it time and I promise you it will go away."
My cheek rests against her stomach. My arms around her waist. I can smell her soap. Feel her breath. And I ache inside.
Tears start running down my cheeks and soak into the green material.
"No it won't Kerry. It won't." I sob.
"Oh Abs." She gently rocks me in her arms. "It will. Someday it will."
"I'm so sorry Kerry. I'm sorry. I tried to stop it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I tried!"
"Hey hey hey " She releases her hug and instead cups my face in her hands looking down at me with worry in her eyes. "What are you talking about, Sweetie?" Her thumbs soothingly wipe away the insistent tears.
Her eyes are so beautiful. Her face so gorgeous. And I just can't stand it any more.
I reach up and tenderly pull her face toward me until her lips touch mine.
They are soft and perfect.
Kerry gasps, releases my face and scrambles across the kitchen, her hand firmly clasped across her lips.
"I'm so sorry, Kerry. I tried to stop it. I tried to stop falling in love with you." I get up and cross to her and she just stares at me as if I'm an alien.
"Wh what?" Kerry stammers. She takes a deep breath and looks away. I dare not touch her.
Slowly she turns her head towards me and her eyes are moist, "With me?"
I bite my lip, longing to take her into my arms and show her. Instead I nod.
"But me? I'm old." Her fingers flutter in front of her mouth.
I can't help myself and just crack up. She looks at me like it is no laughing matter.
Pulling myself out of my mirth I tentatively reach over and take her hand away from her face.
"Kerry, you are perfect."
She blushes, "No Abby." But she doesn't pull her hand out of mine.
"I love you." I lift our joined hands to my lips and gently kiss hers.
"No " Her tears stream slowly down her cheeks.
"I love you, Kerry." I slowly pull her closer ever so carefully, scared she will bolt.
"But I'm your boss." Her eyes are wide. Her cheeks still flushed.
"But I love you." She is so close now that I can feel her breath against my skin.
"Abby You're not gay."
I gently release my hold on her and bring my thumb lightly down her tear streaked cheek. I feel a slight shift in her. She leans into my hand.
"And yet I love you."
She squeezes her eyes shut, "You'll leave me."
"I can't function without you."
She takes her hand and halts mine. She opens her eyes and looks at me with such sorrow, "No one ever stays with me."
"Would you like me to?" I ask her softly.
Her tears increase. She looks at me as if to read my innermost thoughts.
"Would you like me to, Kerry?"
She stares at me through her tears and then shakily says,"Yes Oh yes!"
At that moment everything in my life falls into place.
We gaze at each other as if it was the first time we really see each other. Taking one another in. Savouring.
My hand still cradling her cheek by its own accord travel around to her neck embedding itself in her soft red hair. How I have longed to caress her like this.
"Yes?" Her eyes are wide and her lips slightly parted.
I reach up with my other hand and with my fingertips lightly trace her lower lip. I marvel at the woman between my hands.
"Anytime." She says with a light tease in her voice.
"I'll hold you to that."
She smiles through her tears and in response nip at my fingertips.
Whatever I had in mind is forgotten. The sensation leaves me dizzy and as she draws them in by lightly sucking at them I'm undone.
I need more. I need to taste her and I draw her closer. My lips fight with my fingers for a place on those sweet lips and as she releases my fingers and let me in I can't help but moan into her breath.
A tremor runs through her body and she pulls me in tight while engaging my lips.
I could kiss her for eternity. She is perfect. Her lips caress mine. Her tongue elicits sparks through my entire body. Her breath tickles my face. Her hands anchor me or I would surely be found floating beneath the ceiling. Perfect. And I never want it to end.
"Abby " she mumbles around my kiss.
"I can't see you."
"What?" I break the kiss half scared and half confused.
And I laugh. Her glasses are completely steamed up.
"Sorry." I reach over and gently take them off her putting them on the countertop.
"What did I tell you over and over again about apologizing to me?" She still holds me tight and now draws me in so our foreheads are touching.
She chuckles and we just stand there leaning against each other, gazing at each other.
My emotions run deep and rapid. Her eyes hold me. Caresses me. I wish I could tell her all my thoughts but I can hardly sort through them enough to draw sensible words from them.
"Kerry I've loved you so I mean, thank you for There were times " I sigh in frustration and try to keep tears from forming.
Her hands gently glide up around my shoulders and she holds me out from her to be able to look me properly in the eyes.
"I wish with all my heart, Abby, that you had been spared what you had to go through. I'm just glad if I could ease it for you now and then."
She suddenly lets go of me and takes a step back. Instantly my body feels abandoned and cold.
"Abby are you sure of your feelings for me, I mean?" Her voice is so soft and I guess scared.
"I mean, are you sure it isn't just that you feel umm grateful and am confusing that with something else?"
"It's okay I can understand if that's how you feel I just need to "
She flinches. I can't believe how vulnerable and insecure she looks. I have never seen her like this. Not even when Sandy died.
I take her by her arms and gently push her up against the wall. Deliberately I lean my body snugly against hers and keep my face as close to her as I can without touching her.
"Now listen to me Kerry."
She looks unsettled.
"I love you! I've spent more nights than I care to count longing for your body next to mine and your breath against my neck. I'm no fool well at least I tend to figure things out in the end. It took me months to figure out my feelings for you and then it took another month to try and convince myself that I ought not have those feelings. But I can't make them go away and frankly I don't want them to."
Kerry's eyes skid around the room. I cradle her face in my hands and force her to look at me.
"I love you. There's so much I haven't been able to tell you. Kerry, my sweet, I find you brilliant. Beautiful. Brilliantly beautiful! And oh so brave. Caring, kind, honest. Sexy."
At this Kerry huffs and rolls her eyes.
"Kerry! To me you are so hot I don't know what way to turn not to make a fool of myself."
"Abby No you can't be "
Before she can protest any more I loosen my waistband and quickly grab one of her hands. I force it downwards inside my pants and press her fingers in between my legs.
"ABBY!...OOH!" Her eyes go jet black and her mouth tries to form words but none emerge.
I have her completely pinned and I lean my face against her ear softly whispering, "Feel that? Feel how wet you make me? That's what you do to me. I love you so!"
Her breathing is shallow and fast.
My voice shakes with need, "And I want you!"
A soft whimper escapes her.
I release her hand but she doesn't move. We just stare at each other. Our breathing fast. Bodies pressed against one another. Her hand still against me.
She can't fool me. I can see it in her eyes. She wants this, me, as much as I want her.
Then she moves. Nothing but a finger. She might as well have grabbed me and shook me with all her might. The effect is the same.
My body convulses and a deep moan escapes me.
Then she does it again. Just a barely perceptible flick of her finger.
I have no control over myself and have to brace myself against the wall behind her.
"Oh Kerry " I can hardly breathe. My forehead rests against her shoulder. I don't have the control to raise it.
A soft whisper reaches my ear, "Look at me. Abby please look at me."
It takes all I have to lift my head but the look that meets me envelopes me and draws me in.
She is watching me intensely. Her eyes dark. I could drown in those eyes. Her tongue darts out to moisten her lips and I gasp.
Then another tiny flick and I have to grit my teeth as the reaction roars through me. It is so intense that against my will my head falls back onto its former resting place.
"No, Abby. Please look at me." She takes her other hand and wraps her fingers through the hairs at my neck then guides my face around to her.
"Are you sure you want this, Abby?" She withdraws her hand a little from below and I whimper.
"Please Kerry!" The lack of her touch aches.
Maybe I'm just imagining it but I think I saw the glimmer of a little evil grin cross her moist lips just then.
Well, two can play this game. Before she has time to react I take one of my hands supporting me against the wall and slip it under her pyjama waistband, through her soft curls and settle it softly against her moistness.
"Oh jeez Abby!" Her grip around the back of my neck tightens as I lightly stroke her. Her other hand flutters over my abdomen and settles on my hip, squeezing it.
She whimpers and stares at me imploringly.
I just can't help but tease her, "Are you sure you want this, Kerry?"
She growls and crushes her lips against mine. She opens her legs a little, easing my access. I press inside her and her head falls back against the wall with a small sharp scream.
Unexpectedly I feel tears form on my cheeks. Her beauty takes my breath away. The reality of her around my fingers. Her white, freckled throat exposed in front of my mouth. Her cries in my ears. Her breasts pressing against mine.
It is all so intense.
I lean in and lightly graze my teeth up her bare throat. I kiss along her jaw line, feeling more than hearing her small moans.
My tears drip and mix with her light perspiration gathering in the hollow of her collarbone.
My tongue darts out and dips into the concave.
Her words hardly register through my haze.
Her hands grasp my face and force me to look at her.
She smiles at me and gently kisses my salty lips, "The baby "
"Huh?" I don't understand. My fingers are deep inside her and the sensation is short-circuiting my brain.
"Oh Abby!" She moans as I slide out a little bit. "Abby, sweetie, the baby is crying."
It finally registers, "Oh " I dazedly look at her trying to get my bearings.
She giggles, "You are cute when distracted." I get another searing kiss. "Are you okay?" She wipes my tears with the palm of her hand.
I can hear Lukas now and gently retract from her which elicits a guttural moan from her beautiful throat.
"I'm sorry, Kerry!"
"Hey, stop it! We have all night."
I like the sound of that; "I like the sound of that!"
We grin at each other both unwilling to break our closeness. Lukas sets in with a particular high note.
Kerry laughs, "You are wanted."
I waggle my eyebrows and finally pull my hand all the way out of her pants. I bring it to my lips and lick it clean.
She gasps her eyes dark and needy.
Her taste is perfect just like everything about her. I lean in and brush her lips with my moist ones bringing forth a low growl from her.
"And where am I wanted besides with Lukas?"
"Yes Doctor!" It almost physically hurts to have to leave her.
I hurry to my son.
Lukas is easily settled. He just needs a little reassurance and his pacifier. I all but run to Kerry's bedroom when he drifts off again.
She isn't there.
My heart hits the floor.
Then two slender hands slips around my waist from behind.
"Hey there." She whispers, her breath tickling my neck.
I lean back into her embrace and revel in her body's heat.
"I thought you had run away." I tease her.
"Just to the bathroom. Come " She slips around me and leads me by the hand to the side of her bed, "Is he okay?"
"Yes. Just needed his pacifier and a kiss."
"Mmm. May I have one too?"
"A gentle peck on your forehead? Sure." I lean forward to administer the kiss but she grabs me and tosses me onto the bed, grinning.
"Wow! I forget how strong you are."
She laughs and straddles my legs commencing to crawl up my prone body. The look in her eyes takes my breath away.
I can see down the cleavage of her pyjama shirt as she nears me.
"Kerry " My mouth is dry.
She lifts on inquiring eyebrow as she slides up a little bit further.
"Oh god Please Kerry " I reach up for the buttons and as I start to undo them she sits up settling on my thighs.
I reverently slide the soft fabric off her arms and am rewarded with the full sight of Kerry's beautiful breasts.
She watches me intently as I cup them feeling their weight and firmness, admiring their paleness sprinkled with freckles.
"You are so beautiful, Kerry!"
She gives me a wry smile as if to counter my admiration.
"Get used to it woman! You are beautiful and hot and sexy! And I'm going to keep telling you that from now till the day you die!" To make sure she gets my point I teasingly pinch her taut rosy nipples.
"Ahh " She gasps and grabs me by my scruff pulling me up into a sitting position.
"You have way too much clothing on." Her voice is dark and sensuous as she pulls my shirt and bra off, tossing it to the floor behind.
"Much better," She breathes, smiling at the sight before her.
She caresses my breasts slowly, lovingly. Her right hand has lost any trace of calluses and glides smoothly over my still largish breasts. Even though I stopped breastfeeding months ago they have taken their sweet time to return to normal. Kerry doesn't seem to mind.
She gently pushes me back down onto the covers and leans forward sending shivers up my spine as she skims her nipples across mine.
She stops with her face hovering above mine and we just look at each other again. It seems like we do that a lot but I just can't get enough of her. It is as if I need to relearn all of her features since I have been allowed to know her again from a different perspective.
As we gaze at each other our breathing slowly becomes more and more laboured. We are almost locked in a game of dare. Who will crack first? Who will give into the need first?
I know what I see in Kerry's eyes is a direct reflection of what she sees in mine. Need. Hunger. Lust. And love.
My hands are gently teasing her nipples and I can see she is fighting a losing battle.
Her eyes start to glaze and she has to struggle to keep up the gaze.
Finally she relents and with a deep moan reaches down and kisses me senseless.
My hands glide over her bare back down along the firm muscles to where they are met by the waist band right where the slope increases.
I slide my hands under the pants and in the process pull them down with me. Her ass is as everything else perfect. It fits in my hands easily and I squeeze it pulling her a little closer.
"Kerry Lose the pants."
She complies with no discussion and with a wicked grin helps me out of mine as well. As she slides up my thighs again she leaves a moist trail and I can't help myself but flex my quads up against her centre.
Her head snaps back with a soft moan. I support her by her shoulders and press my thigh once more firmly against her.
Her hands fumble for me and settle on my forearms suspending her between my arms and my thigh. I start up a steady rocking motion. She sighs as the rhythm settles into her body.
The movement is minimal just an inch back and forth but we are both quickly panting.
Kerry's face above me is flushed and perspiration is darkening her bangs. Her mouth is slack, the tongue now and then darting out to moisten the lips.
I pull her down to release her of that particular problem and as we kiss she shifts her weight unto her own arms. My free hands instantly roam her body drawing random patterns until one settles against her flushed throat feeling her rapid pulse against my fingers. The other follows the wet trail over my thigh till it locates our juncture.
As my fingers encounter her warm slickness my body contracts. I have no control over my need for her. I moan her name and enter her and I'm greeted with her sweet voice crying out. For a second I'm afraid that I've hurt her but she sits up and slides even deeper over my fingers. My other hand slides down and rests against her round breast.
"Oh yes Abby yes "
I shift a little as to get better leverage. It doesn't work so I sit up with her still in my lap. Her eyes are pitch black and she draws me in kissing me, riding my fingers.
Her arms encircle my shoulders and as she breaks the kiss she rests her forehead against mine. Her breath is hot and rapid. I could drown in those immensely dark eyes.
Her soft moans reach my ears and sends fire flashes down my body. I marvel at my body's response to her. I've never made love to someone and been this close myself. It takes all my self discipline not to disintegrate under her intense gaze.
She shifts a bit, widening her legs. I gasp as I feel her opening up even further for me. I look at her and she smiles back through her half lidded eyes. My movements inside her grow deeper at their own accord.
"Uhh! Oh god Abby yes right there!" Her body shakes. Her breathing catches. I deliberately slow down and repeat the movement.
"Jeezzzuzz ..Abby " Her hands come around and cradle my face. "Abby wait " I still my hand.
She shifts her legs out a little further, cautiously, as if testing. Seemingly satisfied she smiles at me, "I've never been able to sit like this."
"Oh " She is so hot. Her voice vibrates deeply sending shockwaves through my system.
"Abby " She whispers, "spread your legs a bit."
I obey her and press them out against hers. She takes her hand and rests it right at my apex watching my reaction.
I'm still inside her and as I look down at us, our hands, our bodies, I can't help but gasp.
She smiles at my reaction and very slowly slides her fingers down over my clit.
"Oh god " My whole body is on fire and it convulses at the light touch.
She chuckles her little evil laugh, "Abby, you are so wet." She slips her fingers inside my folds. I think I'm going to faint it feels so good. She lightly caresses along the fissure, teasing me, watching me.
"Kerry, you are going to kill me with that." I manage to quip.
"Well, we can't have that." She withdraws a little unknowingly giving me a respite though I think she meant to tease me.
I take advantage instantly and grab her behind with my free hand, anchoring her to my other with which I flutter my fingers against the rough wall under my fingertips.
She gasps and rocks hard against me. Then she slips into me and the world disappears and all that is are Kerry and I.
Our breaths and our bodies melt together and when she comes it is the most stunning sight. Body shaking, head thrown back, calling my name over and over. Her cry vibrates through me bringing me to my own climax and we ride the wave together clinging to each other, adrift in our own reality.
When the world returns we are lying in the bed facing each other still flushed and a little out of breath.
We can't take our eyes off one another.
"Are you okay?" She whispers.
I can't help but keep gazing at her. "Yes very okay."
"What are you thinking?"
"That it felt so right natural I didn't have to think about what to do next." I smile at her as I try to form my thoughts. "I don't know what I had expected but it felt like making love." And I hate myself for feeling my cheek blush.
She chuckles and leans over for a soft kiss. "First time I was with a woman I was convinced the straight-police or some such thing would turn up and arrest me." Her eyes sparkle. "Ah yes the good old days filled with fear and self loathing."
"Was it Legaspi?"
Her mouth drops, "You you little sneak!" She laughs as she attacks my sides, tickling me to within an inch of my life.
"UNCLE!" I gasp trying to override my spasms.
She relents and gives me a deep kiss that instantly sends my body aching for more. But I'm still too curious to let her tactics lead me away from the subject.
As she breaks the kiss I interject, "So was it?"
She cracks up. "Yes it was. How did you know?"
"Luka told me, or rather he hinted at it."
We look at each other silently for a while then she sighs, "I miss him."
I don't trust my voice and therefore merely nod. We lie there gazing at each other. Touching gently as if not quite assured that it is all for real.
And we are lost in our thoughts.
I remember how Luka would lie next to me and how we talked about all sorts of things including Kerry.
"He would have approved. Found it fitting." I whisper.
Kerry raises her eyebrow in question.
"He would have been happy to know that you are taking care of us. That we are together. He cared for you very much."
"Oh, Abby." The tears gather rapidly in the green eyes and I reach across the short distance and draw her into my arms.
She fits perfectly.
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