DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters; please forgive my treading on any toes. I do it only for my sanity.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please excuse any inconsistencies in tense and grammar, my discourse with the wind flits around too <g>
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

Fuck Buddies
By Debbie


"Fuck buddies?"

Sara Sidle shouted into the air and laughed out loud.

Looking out over the gentle shoreline of Tamales Bay, California, she glanced around, knowing full well she was alone the cynic in her still had to check. Just why she had decided to spend her New Year vacation in this Godforsaken place she hadn't yet worked out. She did know she needed to reconcile a few things in her head and, as a child, sitting here talking out loud, to the wind she had always told her parents, always seemed to do the job.

"Friends with benefits?"

Tonight she needed to work out her relationship with Catherine Willows and the wind was the only person she knew who had no stake in the process. Warrick favored Catherine, Greg favored Sara. Grissom would have been as perceptive as a paper bag and Nick; well Nick would have just found the positive in everything. Tonight she needed to decide one thing, positive and negative be damned; tonight she needed to decide, should she stay or should she go.

The wind, Sara knew, was the only one who could help her work the conundrum out.

She began her discourse.

"Fuck buddies? Friends with benefits? No! Neither of those. We were, are, more than that. I love her. I guess I've always loved her. Jeez, I'll always love her. She loves me, I think. It's just we can't live together, can't sustain a relationship, can't stay together. Hell, we've never even tried. Never allowed ourselves the luxury of becoming a couple; a couple that other's recognize as a couple, I mean.

How stupid is that?

For the last five years we've had an on/off relationship like no other; a cyclic relationship that just keeps going around and around. Just like those damn roller-coasters that Grissom loves so much. Together it's wonderful, apart it's soul destroying; together we fall into a rut and take each other for granted, apart we work together to perfection, able to think for and with each other, able to finish each other's sentences; the perfect team. But, when we're together we never talk, we belittle each other with cheap comments, we test each other's professionalism with stupid wise cracks until, eventually, one of us cracks and lambastes the other in front of colleagues until we go our separate ways. Apart we date others, taunting the other with our availability, our desirability, our sexiness.

Over and over we follow the same cycle. Get together, argue, split, taunt the other, realize we can't live without each other, get back together. Five times, maybe six, in the last five years. What a fucked up relationship we have, huh?

If you know us, really know us, you can probably tell what stage of the relationship cycle we are in without really trying. All you need to do is listen to us; the way we talk, the way we address each other: Catherine and Sidle, apart; Cath and Sara, in between; Cat and Sar, together. See, it's easy. So why aren't we easy?

Now, we're in-between again. What started it this time? I challenged her professional opinion big time, right in front of Ecklie of all people and what do you know it's all over again. Since then, I decided to redevelop my ridiculous crush on Grissom, a guy I just don't want and she managed to get involved with a stupid attorney that liked to play dirty. I'll never forget the look on her face when she saw him brought in for questioning on a murder/rape charge. What do you know? She turns up on my doorstep for support and I gave it.

The cycle starts once more. We're going out for wonderful evenings, spending more and more time in each other's life and I, we, can't be happier. No sex as yet, but lots of gentle, loving kisses, and the support and friendship appear stronger than ever. Like now, just before I drove over here, we're working a case together, and it was great.

Once again, she knows what I'm thinking and I know what she's thinking. So why the hell can't I tell if she really believes we have a future together? See, I'm not sure I can take the cycle repeating itself again. I'm at the stage in my life where I want some stability, I want to settle down, I want to have a family. I have that with Lindsay and Cath; I want it with Lindsay and Cath. When the two of us are like this, this is what I want for ever. I look at her and I see she wants it too. Older than me I can see in her eyes that she's lonely. I can hear in her voice that she wants someone to share her burdens with. I can do that.

I will do that."

And just like that, as easy as anything in the grand scheme of things, Sara and the wind came to a decision. Sara made her New Year resolution: this time the cycle would be broken.

Sara Sidle and Catherine Willows no longer the dichotomy, Sara and Catherine the soulmates.

The End

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