DISCLAIMER: Dick Wolf and NBC own the rights to Law and Order: SVU. I'm just burrowing the characters for entrainment. No money is being made, and no harm is intended. Blue Eyes Blue, By Erik Clapton. Further Down, by Mathew Sweet
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Sometimes our emotions catch up to us. Sometimes we say things we don't really mean. Sometimes our words can be our weapons. Words are used as a way to protect ourselves.
Sadly, sometimes we use our words as a means of hurting those we love most, simply to make ourselves feel better. Most often, we don't mean it but just the same the words hurt people we love and care about more then we could ever imagine. Today Alex hurt the one person she had grown to secretly care about more than anyone.
She hurt Olivia, her friend. 'And possibly more?' Alex wondered as she looked down into her almost empty coffee cup.
"God, what was I thinking?" Alex sighed under her breath as she pushed her fingers through her long blond hair.
"Are you okay Alex?" Fin asked. Alex hadn't even heard him approach.
"What?" Alex asked spinning around quickly.
"You seem lost in thought. You looked sad, just wanted to make sure you were ok?" Fin said. "May I?" he asked motioning to sit on the bench next to Alex.
"Oh yeah, please do." Alex said.
"Here, I got this for you," he said passing her another coffee. "Doesn't taste great, but it'll do wonders for your energy level let me tell you," Fin said smiling.
"How did you feel the testimony went?" Alex asked.
"Can't complain. The more important question is how do you feel it went?"
"You did excellent Fin. You were clear and very on. I don't think the jury will have any issues with your testimony."
"Good," Fin smiled. "Cause I want to nail this bastard. Is Olivia testifying today also?"
"No," Alex shook her head. "Not till Monday."
There was a silence that fell between them. Fin watched as people passed by and considered his words carefully.
"So again I ask, why so glum? Unless you don't want to talk about it that is?"
"Oh nothing really. I had this fight with a friend. It got nasty. I said some things that...well that weren't really nice."
"Oh. That's rough."
"Yeah. But I just needed some time to think about it. I'm one of those people who enjoy the process you know? I mean, I love her dearly; but once she gets an idea something is wrong she keeps pushing and pushing."
"This friend...it's Olivia?"
"How did you know?" Alex asked. "I didn't even relate it to SVU?"
"Hey I'm a Detective...I know these things. Besides, Olivia is one of the most caring people I know. If she thinks something's wrong she won't let it go. It's her nurturing side. It's also one of those things that make her a damn fine Detective."
"I know," Alex nodded.
"Are you going to apologize?"
"At first I didn't feel I should be the one to apologize. Now however, the more I've sat here and considered it the more I feel like...well an ass."
"Well it's your choice Alex...do what you feel is best," Fin said smiling and standing to go. "Oh by the way, what are you doing after this?"
"Nothing," Alex said sadly. She had canceled her plans with Olivia for that night but she hadn't told her the real reason why.
"Want to get a beer after work?"
"That sounds nice," Alex smiled. At that moment Alex welcomed any distraction to get Olivia off her mind.
"Great. I'll see you around 7 then?"
"7 it is," Alex answered as Fin walked back to the precinct.
Benson, Stabler, Munch, and Cragen all entered the bar. Fin had called and said he'd meet them there. His testimony had gone longer then expected. Olivia enjoyed getting out with "the guys" yet at the same time the events from the day kept running through her head. Every time she had a moment to herself she thought back to the fight she'd had with Alex.
She and Alex were friends. It wasn't supposed to be like this was a friend was it? Olivia knew her feelings for Alex went far beyond friendship. She also knew Alex was interested in her only as a friend, nothing more.
So Olivia had accepted this fate, this predestined relationship of friends and nothing more, she accepted it and welcomed it. She worried about Alex like a lover would. She cared for Alex like a lover would..but she wasn't Alex's lover.
So here she was having some drinks with the guys after work when she realized what she really wanted was to be with Alex. They had dinner plans for this evening. Alex had canceled them though because she had been too tired.
Olivia knew they needed to talk. She knew Alex's nature was to lash out when she was upset or hurt, but it still didn't help her knowing the things Alex had said. Olivia kept running the events from that morning over and over.
"Alex," Olivia smiled when the Counselor came into the squad room. "Hi."
"Hi Olivia," Alex nodded.
"You okay?" Benson asked noting the far away look in Alex's eyes.
"Yeah. You want to go over the testimony now for the case or wait till the trial Monday morning?"
"Now is fine," Olivia said leading the way to the interrogation room. She closed the door behind them. "You seem..very much unlike yourself this morning. You sure you're okay?"
"Olivia if I wanted to talk about it with you...I would. Can we just drop it please?"
"Yeah...sorry," Olivia said slightly hurt.
"I'm sure he's going to grill you on procedure. Just go with it. You and Stabler made no mistakes. The case is pretty rock solid as is. Fin testifies today on the arrest."
"Okay," Olivia nodded. She kept her hands clasped together.
"Do you have any questions?" Alex asked standing.
"That's it? We're done?" Olivia said looking at Alex. "You had Fin in here for over three hours."
"Well he's the star witness Olivia. Sorry you can't share in the spotlight."
"Hey," Olivia warned. "I don't know what crawled up your ass today but drop the attitude with me Alex. I don't deserve this."
"Why must you compare everything to you and I. There is no you and I Olivia. I wish you'd get that through your head okay?"
"Excuse me?" Olivia asked shocked. She had no idea where this was coming from.
"Just forget it," Alex shook her head. "I'm late I've got to go."
"No I won't forget it. Where do you get off talking to me like that Alex. Last time I checked we were friends. I never expected more from you nor have I asked for it."
"It's just been a bad day," Alex sighed. "I've got to go."
"Good luck," Olivia said in a flat even tone.
"About dinner tonight. I don't think I'm going to be able to keep those plans. I'm beat and work is out of control. I think I'm coming down with something. Sorry for being so snappy...just a bad week."
"Yo Benson!" Munch shouted for the third time. Olivia snapped out of her gaze.
"What?" she asked.
"You want a beer?"
"Yes please," Olivia nodded and took the empty seat at the table the rest of them had sat down at. Just because Alex couldn't make it and was feeling under the weather, Olivia would still enjoy herself. But just to be safe, she would stop by Alex's apartment on her way home and bring some chicken noodle soup or something healthy.
She picked up her cell phone and dialed Alex's number. She walked away from the table making her way to the back of the room. Her phone must have been off because it went right to voice mail.
"Hi, Alex. It's Benson. I wanted to see how you were doing? I was going to swing by later and bring you some chicken soup...or tea. I could bring you some tea if you'd like? I know my mom used to put honey in tea for me whenever I felt less then perfect. It's funny but it always seemed to work. Anyways. I hope you're feeling better. I'd really like to talk about today...or what happened this morning at least. Anyway...feel better. Bye."
Olivia put her cell phone back
"Fin says Alex is joining us tonight Liv. I thought she was under the weather?" Stabler said as he handed Olivia her beer.
"No she can't. She's busy with work," Olivia began to say as she heard a familiar laugh. Alex's laugh. She looked beyond the group of people to the bar where she saw Fin laughing with Alex.
Fin and Alex sat at the bar, "I so needed this, thanks Fin."
"Hey no problem. Trust me, it's my pleasure," he said winking. Alex laughed and touched his arm.
"You're awful," she smiled.
Alex leaned forward and touched her lips to Fin's. She's not sure why or how it happened. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Enjoying the simple closeness of another person, Alex didn't pull away. She let Fin deepen the kiss, and she liked it. It felt good to be kissed.
The last time she had kissed anyone felt far too long ago. Alex pulled away slowly. Her eyes still closed she sighed and opened them. Fin was smiling. "Sorry about that, I just got caught up in the moment," he said.
"Don't worry about it. It's fine," Alex smiled and tucked hair behind her ear. She finally broke eye contact with him and looked over to the sound of the jukebox playing a song.
She locked eyes with Olivia who was now standing across the way.
Alex felt reality come crashing around her. Of course Fin hadn't just asked her to join him and him alone. He asked her to join the squad for drinks. The look of hurt in Olivia's eyes felt like someone sucker punched Alex in the gut. She took in a sharp breath.
Alex took a few seconds to process what had just happened. She was out with Fin. She was supposed to be out with Olivia. She had kissed Fin. She had done it all in front of Olivia.
"Oh God," she whispered standing from her seat.
"What is it?" Fin asked following her eye movements.
"I'll be right back," she said to Fin as she walked away.
And the Jukebox played.
'I thought that you'd be loving me; I thought you were the one who'd stay forever. But now forever's come and gone and I'm still here alone. Cause you were only playing, you were only playing with my heart. I was never waiting for the tears to start. It was you who put the clouds above me. It was you who made the tears fall down. It was you who broke my heart in pieces; it was you who made my blue eyes blue. I never should have trusted you.'
I thought that I'd be all you needed, in my eyes I thought I saw my heaven. And now my heavens gone away and I'm out in the cold. Cause you had me believing in a lie, I guess I couldn't see it, I guess I couldn't see it till I saw goodbye.
It was you who brought the clouds above me. It was you who made the tears fall down. It was you who broke my heart in pieces.it was you. You made my blue eyes blue.'
'Cause you were only playing, you were only playing with my heart. I was never waiting; I was never waiting for the tears to start. It was you; it was you who put those clouds above me. It was you who made the tears fall down. Only you who broke my heart in pieces. It was you who made my blue eyes blue.'
Olivia saw Alex stand and cross the room to her. She looked away. Right now, the sight of Alex caused her to feel a wide array of emotions. She was hurt because she knew her friend had blown her off for the night. Not just her friend, her only friend.
She was angry because Alex knew how badly Olivia needed to see her after their battle that morning. She was jealous. She wasn't proud of it, but she was jealous. Seeing Alex kiss Fin caused something in her to snap. She was on the verge of tears. It wasn't that she was mad, or irate over the kiss. How could she be? She was Alex's friend. Olivia found herself repeating the words. 'She's just my friend.'
"Olivia hi," Alex said approaching the table looking so guilty it wasn't even funny.
"See- she's not sick," Stabler smiled to the group. "Told you Fin wasn't joking."
"Hi," Olivia said looking around the area for a quick escape. At that moment, Olivia really didn't want anything to do with Alex. For the first time ever in their friendship, Olivia was actually mad at Alex.
"Look, Liv I can explain about Fin...see, I was just going to head home and I ran into him and he asked me out," Alex was saying as she turned around and looked to Fin who was sitting at the bar watching from a distance.
"Alex, you don't have to explain. It's fine. You're entitled to hang out with other people. You don't need me," Olivia said standing.
'I do need you.' Alex thought.
"Olivia, I just needed to space you know?" 'I do need you.'
"Oh yeah. I understand. It's fine. Next time, don't lie to be me though," Olivia said as she bit back her anger of the moment. She caught the looks the redhead from the bar had been sending her since she first arrived. She noticed the redhead waved and smiled.
Olivia smiled and waved back. She had no reason to now. Alex turned to see what Olivia was smiling at. She quickly realized it was a 'who'. "Don't let me keep you," Olivia nodded in the direction of the redhead. "Alex, have a good night okay?"
Olivia said touching her friend's arm. Right now getting as far away from Alex as she could was the only single thought running through her mind.
"Where are you going?" Alex asked confused. 'Wait a minute, what was happening here? She and Olivia needed to talk about this.'
"Well...actually- I think I've got a date," Olivia said.
"Olivia, wait a minute. I think we should talk," Alex said pulling the woman to her and preventing her from walking away.
"No. I think...I think you're right. Space would be good right now," Olivia pulled her arm free. "Goodnight Alex," Olivia said walking away.
Stabler, Munch, Cragen and now Fin just sat at the table and watched the exchanges between the two women. Stabler shook his head when Alex turned around.
"What?" She asked the group of on lookers. "You've never seen two friends fight before?"
"If I were you I'd go after her Cabot."
"Elliot I don't need your help thank you," Alex replied. She took a seat at the table and finished off her wine.
"There she goes," Munch chuckled. Alex turned her head just in time to see Olivia and this woman leave the bar. Alex just sat there. She still wore a look on confusion and aggression. "What the hell just happened here?" she said mumbling.
"I told you to go after her."
"Shut up," Alex sighed.
"Wanna talk about it?" the redhead asked Olivia as they sat in the park across the street from the bar.
"Talk about what?"
"Why you got out of there so fast and as far away from that blond as you could."
"I don't know what happened. I just."
"You love her," the red head said. It was not a question.
"Well yeah, she's my friend."
"That's not what I meant."
Olivia thought about it before she spoke. "I feel like I am getting these mixed signals from her you know?"
"Like what?" she asked.
"Touches, looks, gifts, I don't know. It's so much. I feel like my heart keeps yo-yoing back and forth. We're very close, but I feel like she's keeping something from me. At first I didn't know what it was. But now, after tonight...I do. It's not Alex. It's me."
"What do you mean?"
Olivia closed her eyes and sighed. "I...I'm jealous. I'm so jealous."
"It's okay Olivia. Jealousy is a perfectly natural thing."
"I can't get myself into this again. I mean first Stabler, then Abbie...I...I feel like my hearts in this constant love and break situation. I don't think I can do this." Olivia felt the tears begin to flow.
Alex had enough. She left the bar. It was clear, Olivia was not coming back. Her good time flew right out the window the minute she saw Olivia with someone else. Another woman.
Alex was trying to process her feelings, but it was becoming far more difficult as she worked through them. The more and more she thought about her and Olivia, it seemed the more confused she became.
Why had she felt so guilty for kissing Fin? And who was this woman Olivia left with? She was beautiful no doubt, but Olivia leaving with her? Why was it making her so...so...jealous. 'Oh my God, I'm jealous," Alex said sighing as she glanced up at the stars.
She rounded the corner and saw Olivia sitting on the bench. Alex wanted nothing more then to go and comfort her friend, knowing she was more then likely the reason Olivia was so upset. But there was no room for Alex. She watched from a distance, as a stranger did for Olivia what she couldn't. Just be there.
Olivia looked into her eyes, and didn't bother fighting the urge to kiss the beauty in front of her. 'Why not, it's not like you have someone else to wait for?' Olivia thought bringing her lips closer to their destination.
The stranger did not pull away. The redhead slowly brought her hand behind Olivia's head and pulled her in closer for a longer kiss. Olivia's lips parted slightly and her mouth opened. The kiss deepened.
Alex didn't stop to think. She just reacted. She walked up to the couple on the bench and said what first came to her. "Get your hands off her!" Alex shouted. Startled, Olivia pulled away.
'Into you, so far the words go. So much clearer then you hear. Into you goes everything I know. No one else knows how I feel. Further down I'm desperate for you, where you never have to know.further down I'm still without a clue. Something, something takes my pain away.'
'Only chance can change my fortune. So I'm not sure why I try. As if I could swim the ocean, as if you could stop to fly. Further down I'm desperate for you, where you never have to know. Further down I'm still without a clue. Cause something takes my pain away.'
"Alex?" Olivia asked looking like she had just been caught doing something very wrong. The redhead took her que and walked away.
"You were kissing her?" Alex asked confused.
"Yeah. So what if I was Alex?"
"Why?" Alex didn't know why she was asking the question herself, she just needed to know.
"I wanted to. I just wanted something...something intimate. Do you know how long it's been since I've been kissed, Alex? Too long."
"But why her?"
"Why were you kissing her? Why was she comforting you? Why...why wasn't it me?" Alex asked attempting to form the answers in her own mind.
"Alex." Olivia stood from the bench and walked up to Alex. "You never wanted that Alex. You've never wanted that from me."
"I did. I do. I just...God Olivia, I'm so confused right now." Alex stopped talking and turned away from Olivia looking out into nothingness.
"What are you confused about?" Olivia asked softly.
"Us. What are we?"
"We're friends...or so I thought."
"Do you know what I was thinking about when Fin kissed me?"
"I really don't need to know," Olivia said.
"Yes you do Olivia. You need to hear this. I was thinking, 'please God let this wipe her from my thoughts, from my dreams. Let this make her voice in my head, her soft touches and caresses disappear. Let this kiss make me feel like everyone tells me I should feel'...but all it did was make me think of you."
"I guess I didn't know how to say what I was feeling. Maybe I was afraid? But I'm not afraid anymore Olivia."
"So what does this mean?" Olivia asked wishing Alex would turn around to face her. As soon as the wish was made, sure enough, Alex did turn around.
"It's means this."Alex said leaning forward and kissing Olivia's lips. For the first time in her life, Alex Cabot didn't care what her actions would bring about. All she cared about was letting Olivia know how she felt. And her kiss spoke volumes to Olivia.
The women pulled away from each other, foreheads touching. "That was...wonderful," Olivia said softly. Alex sighed and reached her hand up, touching Olivia's cheek. It was still red from her tears.
"I made you cry?"
"I'm okay," Olivia said.
"No more tears," Alex said taking Olivia's hand in hers and leading her through the park back to her apartment. The night was spent in warm embraces and loving caresses and words of truth, love, and promises of tomorrow came on whispers in the dark.
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