DISCLAIMER: The Middleman and its characters are the property of ABC Family. No infringement intended.
SPOILERS: for Season 1, Episode 8: The Ectoplasmic Panhellenic Investigation.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
The Gender-Bender Make-Out Session
By seriousfic
Eleanor, or Eleanor-in-the-Middleman's body… Middleleanor?... smirked at Wendy triumphantly. "As soon as I kick your fat ass, I'll open my own sorority!"
"With blackjack and hookers?" Wendy asked dubiously. She was kinda getting used to her boss being possessed by weird creatures. Last week it had been a demon, this week… sorority pledge.
"I'm going to have everything I'm entitled to! Sleepovers! Makeovers! Lipstick lesbianism!"
"Only if there are sexually experimental women in Greenland, where I'm going to kick your ass back to." Wendy bit her lip. "Oh, sorry, I was kinda expecting my boss to tell me not to say that word. Now, since I'd rather not bruise his body, why don't you high-tail it out of there?"
Middleleanor rubbed the ray-gun's barrel and it extended, adding more firepower to its… firepower. "I don't think so, 'Dubby'. I like it in here. I never have to shave my legs and there's this very pleasing musk about me."
"Oh, eww."
"Now, get into the machine." Middleleanor gestured to the Frankensteinian (which was quickly becoming one of the more important words in Wendy's vocabulary) table, next to where Eleanor's body was lying.
"I'll just possess someone and come stop you."
"Not this time! Get in!"
Wendy reluctantly yielded and laid down on the table. "By the way, my ass isn't fat, it's voluptuous."
"And now, it's a cat's!" Middleleanor pulled a tarp off a cage to reveal a cat with a truly ridiculous helmet strapped to it.
"Baba O'Riley," Wendy cursed, very glad the Middleman wasn't around to hear her self-censorship.
Lewis was kinda getting used to the idea of being a ghost whisperer. Sure, that little kid from The Sixth Sense was creepy, but JLH was hot. All he had to do was find some hot girl ghost whisperer and they'd have so much in common! About annoying poltergeists were, how creepy it was when ghosts watched you pee, tips for dealing with those sucky ghosts who thought being a ghost was like the movie Ghost and kept trying to leap into you so they could dance with Demi Moore or whatever…
He really couldn't get used to the strait-laced guy in the doofy suit who kept standing at the foot of his bed (well, floating at the foot of his bed) and sending him on errands without even having the common courtesy to die.
"Oh, man, I'm not going to have to wear a dress again, am I?"
The Middleman shook his head. "It's not your perchance for crossdressing that will be called upon today, Lewis, merely the resourcefulness and bravery that is every man's vouchsafe."
"Huh?"
"Get your coat."
Lacey was kinda getting fed up with convincing Wendy to go gay. She'd been subtle, sure. Rented Bound and listened very carefully to the sound of Wendy's molars grinding popcorn during the love scene. Tried to get Wendy to see "My Vagina And Me," her improv prop skit with the other members of Lacey's bisexual comedy troupe, which she thought had gone down a lot better than their production of Hamlet. And then there was the cuddling, which had gone from full-length-gown-and-hugging to borderline-inappropriate T-shirt-with-holes-and-nuzzling. But Wendy was always too hung up on work to fall for Lacey's byzantine lez-schemes, like bribing Noser with guitar picks to quote lyrics from Sara & Tegan songs to Wendy for a week.
There was a knock at the door. Lacey answered it, wishing it was the door-to-door coming-out-of-the-closet salesman.
"Hello Wendy's boss."
"Hello…" Wendy's boss glanced at the writing on his left hand. "Lacey."
"Why is she licking her arm?" Lewis asked upon seeing Wendy. "Did she spill some barbecue sauce on it or something?"
"That's not her," Middleman said, gritting his teeth. "Look, she's in that cat! See how she's communicating with us through Morse code in her blinks."
Lewis looked at the cat. "Uh, yeah."
"Come on, young Lewis, it's high time we get her back in her own body before she sees a ball of yarn!"
Why couldn't I have just had to wear a dress?
Lacey was perfectly used to guys watching cowboy movies, even if the depiction of Native Americans was nothing less than scandalous… but Terms of Endearment? Yechh. Maybe pillow lips was trying to show off his sensitive side, but seeing him bawl his eyes out was giving her a hard-off. Not even getting to hold hands was making up for it.
"Lacey," pillow lips said, drying his eyes. "Have you ever thought about… err… romantic interludes?"
"Huh?"
"You know… the love that dare not speak its name."
"We can speak its name!" Lacey assured him.
"I'm talking about lacquered female lips finding each other in the dimly-lit, maybe a little carcinogenic haze of a nightclub, then Frenching for the benefit of a male audience. Then we dance the night away! Score!"
"Nah. For all I can get out of her, Wendy's as straight as a Kentuckian family tree. Oh, you're not from Kentucky, are you?"
"No. I'm not from Kentucky."
Pillow lips kissed her, and Lacey was too flabbergasted to notice that Wendy's boss lifted his leg behind him.
"Booty call is booty-cancelled!" Wendy yelled as she kicked the door in. "Wait, why'd I kick the door in? I had a key…"
"Wendy Watson!" Middleleanor howled, pushing aside Lacey. "I turned you into a cat!"
"I got better!" Wendy proclaimed victoriously as Lewis looked over her shoulder.
"Hey, you guys know there's one of those creepy Japanese kid ghosts haunting this place?"
"That's Floyd, ignore him," Wendy said. She pointed her ray-gun at Middleleanor. "It's over. You've lost."
"You're too late, skank! I kissed a girl." Middleleanor jutted her hip out. "And I liked it."
"Alright!" Lewis pumped his arm.
"Shut up, Lewis. You're going back to Greenland, Eleanor. And not the good part, either!"
"Dub dub, why do you have a ray-gun pointed at your boss?"
"That's not my boss, that's a mad scientist riding his body like a midget at the race track… a girl mad scientist."
"Well, it's good to see a girl get involved in the mad sciences," Lacey numbly reasoned.
"It's good to be back in my own body," the Middleman declared, patting himself. "I find that you never really do appreciate having ribs, colons, and kidneys until you have to do without them."
"Double M, maybe you should take a breather. I think my roommate needs some quality Watson time."
"You're right. God only knows if that diseased maniac provided my body with proper nutrition during my possession. You have milk in the refrigeration unit?"
"Cruelty-free soy milk," Lacey sniffled from the couch.
"It's a start," Middleman said as he headed off to dig through the fridge.
Wendy sat down beside her roommate. "I'm sorry I kept this whole thing secret from you. I didn't want you to have to find out that there are monsters and supervillains running around in the world by having one of them shove my boss's tongue down your throat."
"What, a little tonsil hockey? That's nothing. If you'd arrived a little bit later, there might've been…" Lacey looked to the Middleman's back as he dug through the fridge. "Physical activities. Our sweaty bodies writhing together in sensual ecstasy, kisses like burning coals igniting down my neck to my pert bosom…"
"Lacey, have you been reading those romance novels my mom creepily mails to me each month?"
"I'm fascinated by the juxtaposition of feminism and patriarchal romance," Lacey said, downcast. "The funny thing is, even when the Middleman… can I still call him pillow lips?"
Wendy nodded.
"Even when pillow lips was kissing me, it didn't feel right."
"Because there was a sociopathic body-hopper controlling his tongue action?"
"No, not that…" Lacey touched Wendy's shoulder. "I think I was interested in the wrong Middleman."
"Oh." Wendy took off her glasses. "Are you sure this isn't just residual feelings from me wearing the same dorky uniform?"
"I like the uniform. It's hot and it brings out your eyes."
"Well then." Wendy stared at the holes in Lacey's T-shirt. "I suppose this calls for some no-longer-borderline-inappropriate cuddling to celebrate."
"Don't take off the tie."
The Middleman looked up from the fridge. "Do you have any yogur—FLU MEDICATION OF THE GODS!!"
"First mission I get to see boobs, now lesbian tongue action!" Lewis said after Wendy had shooed them out of the illegal sublet she shared with another young, photogenic artist. "You definitely need to let me on the team. I can see ghosts, I can wear falsies… I could be like the Robin to your Batman!"
"I already have a Robin," Middleman said stiffly. "She's currently having intimate knowledge of… my… Wonder Woman…"
"Then I could be, like… Alfred?"
"Cybernetic organism stuck in the appearance of a middle-aged schoolmarm."
"…Commissioner Gordon?"
"…could you get a red telephone?"
The End