DISCLAIMER: The story, and characters and anything and everything else concerning SG: SG1 belong to MGM, Gekko, Secret Productions etc, they are so not mine and no money is being made from this and no copyright infringement is intended.
SONG: "Ghost" by the Indigo Girls. Words & Music Emily Saliers
SPOILERS: AU Meridian.

Ghost 1
In love with your Ghost
By Celievamp

It's over. It's finally over. Either that or it's just begun. I don't know what to believe. Jack and Jacob are holding on to me for dear life, afraid of what I'll do, I think. Jacob's heart is breaking and I know that Selmac is trying to help him cope with the loss of his daughter. Jack is strangely calm. Danny is just sitting on the floor, tears rolling down his cheeks. As for me… I don't think I can do this any more. We danced around each other for so long, wanting and afraid to want. We knew how we felt about each other almost from the first time we met. You would leave me notes sometimes if you had missed me during the day, To the casual reader, expressions of friendship – after all, we were bringing up Cassie together – but to me, reading between the lines, remembering what you wanted me to remember it was like you were making love to me all over again. And I would leave things for you in your locker to find when you came home from missions – a single rose, a funny postcard, a small bottle of bubble bath or perfume. Just something to show you that someone cared for you.

There's a letter on the desktop that I dug out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to from our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever of the warm air through the screen
You come regular like seasons shadowing my dreams

You hung on to life for so long. I can't imagine how bad the pain must have been. It was not a pleasant death, your body, your very cells rebelling against your will, breaking down. I gave you as much pain relief as I dared, more than you probably wanted. You wanted to talk, to say something, but I had clouded your mind. I could not let you suffer. I could not. When Jacob came to try and heal you I wanted so badly for him to succeed. When he said he could not, when Jack told him to stop, to let you go, I couldn't say anything. It was as if I had left my body as well, but there was no light for me, just darkness.

The Mississippi's mighty, but it starts in Minnesota
At a place where you can walk across with five steps down
And that's just how you started like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me and I start to drown

I can't cry, not yet. Your body is here, but we all saw the ball of light that rose from your corpse. It came close to me, a tendril of light brushing across my skin and for a moment I knew such peace, such love. And then you were gone and the real world came crashing in again.

There's not enough room in this world for my pain
Signals crossed and love gets lost and time passed makes it plain
Of all my demon spirits I need you the most
I'm in love with your ghost
I'm in love with your ghost

What can I tell Cassie? She loved – loves you so much, Sam. I will not talk about you in the past tense. I will not. Your physical body is dead, destroyed by the naquadria radiation. But something of you survives. I know it. And I know that Jack knows it too. Why else would he have told Jacob to stop trying to heal you. And I don't want to let you go. I don't want to lose the way that I feel for you, how you made me feel, just by looking at me.

Dark and dangerous like a secret it gets whispered in a hush (don't tell a soul)
And when I wake the things I dreamt about you last night make me blush (don't tell a soul)
When you kiss me like a lover and you sting me like a viper
I go follow to the river play your memory like the piper

I go to our favourite place, our secret place further up the mountain where we spent stolen minutes together on lunch breaks or when things were quiet on the base. Looking out over the valley as the sun sets as the stars you love so much come out one by one I close your eyes and try to summon your spirit.

And I feel it like a sickness how this love is killing me
But I would walk into the fingers of your fire willingly
Dance the edge of sanity I've never been this close
In love with your ghost

A warm breeze wafts my hair and suddenly I can smell you all around me. I am crying now, deep, shuddering sobs that will tear me apart before they stop. Then someone takes me in their arms, holds me close. It is Daniel.

"Hey Doc," he whispered. "We were a little worried about you. Come back inside now. You need to get some sleep. And then we'll all come with you, to tell Cassie what's happened." Someone else holds me now. It is Teal'c. I curl into his chest as O'Neill tucks his jacket around me.

"Let's get her inside."

Unknowing captor you'll never know how much you
Pierce my spirit but I can't touch you
Can you hear it a cry to be free
Oh I'm forever under lock and key
As you pass through me

It's been a week. I've not been alone since. Even when no one else has been in the room I know you, my beloved Sam, have been here, watching over me. I want to touch you so much, see your beautiful smile bask in the steady gaze of your blue eyes that held so much trust, so much love. I want you to touch me to make me feel how much I miss you I want you. The calligraphy of your fingers across my skin, your lips on my breast, suckling, kissing, biting, the small sounds that you made as I brought you pleasure, the smell of your warm musk in my nostrils, the taste of you on my tongue.

Now I see your face before me I would launch a thousand ships
To bring your heart back to my island as the sand beneath me slips
I burn up in your presence and I know now how it feels
To be weakened like Achilles with you always at my heels

I am going back to work tomorrow. Everyone from General Hammond downwards has told me that it's too soon. But I need to know whether I can live without you. I need you to move on as well. I can't see you, but I know you are here. Jack knows it as well. He finally told me that you had spoken to him before Oma Desala took you, when you made the decision to leave this world behind and join the Ascended. That you asked him to take care of Cassie and me, to let me know how much I meant to you and how precious the time we spent together had been. But I know all of this. And I still want you back. And that can never happen so I have to get over it and move on. And you, my beloved, must move on as well.

This bitter pill to swallow is the silence that I keep
It poisons me I can't swim free the river is too deep
Though I'm baptized by your touch I am no worse at most
In love with your ghost

I woke alone for the first time this morning. I knew the moment I opened my eyes that you had left me, ascended, moved on. I think you came to me in my dream. I remember the touch of your lips on my skin, the blue of your eyes as you smiled down at me and told me that I would be all right, and that if I ever needed you, you would be with me. You looked like an angel, but then you looked like an angel every time I woke up to find you beside me in our bed, moonlight playing across your skin.

Goodbye Sam, my angel, my beloved. I will never forget.

The End

Sequel Ghost 2

Return to Stargate Fiction

Return to Main Page