DISCLAIMER: The story, and characters and anything and everything else concerning SG: SG1 belong to MGM, Gekko, Secret Productions etc, they are so not mine and no money is being made from this and no copyright infringement is intended.
SPOILERS: Brief mention of "1969"
NOTE: Lyrics are from "Fear" by Sarah McLachan from the album "Fumbling towards Ecstacy".
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

Ghost 6
Interlude 2: Fear
By Celievamp

Morning smiles
like the face of a newborn child,
innocent, unknowing.

I still have the nightmare sometimes. That Lord Solon is holding the ribbon device to my head, that my brain is slowly frying that this life I have now is just an illusion made up by my dying consciousness. That Sam is forever lost to me and Sophia Catherine was never born.

Winter's end
promises of a long lost friend.
Speaks to me of comfort

And then she is holding me close, cradling my shuddering body to hers, kissing away my tears, hushing me in case I wake our sleeping daughter. And my fear changes, no longer the fear of loss, of death, of loneliness, but into the fear that now I have everything I could ever want, my lover, my daughter, that it will all somehow be taken away from me. I am too fortunate.

But I fear
I have nothing to give.
I have so much to loose here in this lonely place.
Tangled up in your embrace
There's nothing I'd like better than to fall.
But I fear I have nothing to give.

I have not talked to you about this. I cannot begin to understand what you gave up to come back to me, to save my life and give me the miracle of a child. One day I fear that we will not be enough to keep you. I have watched you when you think I am asleep, looking out at the stars, and I watch the moonlight playing across your beautiful face transforming you into something otherworldly. An angel. My fallen angel. I know you seem happy staying at home with me and the baby, acting as part-time consultant at the SGC when some new piece of technology comes through the Gate that they need your innate inexplicable skills to figure out. You tell me every day how much you love me and our Sophi-girl. You dote on her, I can tell. But sometimes when you think I am not watching you…

Wind in time
Rapes the flower trembling on the vine
And nothing yields to shelter it from above.
The say temptation will destroy our love.
The never ending hunger

You miss it. I know you too well to think that this could forever be enough for you. You were never one for white picket fences and a dog. I don't want to make you feel guilty, my love, but I don't want you to stay with me for the wrong reasons. We've both been changed by the experience. I survived without you - I really did not think I would. And you – you were always a glorious creature, bright, beautiful, loving, giving. But now… I don't think you realise how much you have changed. There is a serenity, an unseen purpose behind everything that you do. I know that you would never ever knowingly hurt me. I know that you would go through hell to keep me and Sophia safe. I know this and yet I am still afraid.

But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There's nothing I'd like better than to fall
But I fear I have nothing to give.
I have so much to lose.
I have nothing to give.
We have so much to lose...

I fear that I am not enough for you anymore. That in creating this family, this cosy domesticity you have fulfilled an ancient need in yourself and yet denied yourself so much.

You come back to bed before sunrise. I pretend to be asleep. I can feel you watching me. You kiss me on the brow and I cannot help myself. I snuggle into you, fitting myself against you as I did the first night we slept together, the night we knew instinctively that we were made to hold each other like this.

"Janet?" you whisper, and I feel you brush something from my cheek. Dammit, I didn't mean to cry, I didn't mean to let you know. "Jan, is everything okay? Did you have the dream again?"

I try to explain. My voice grows tight and hoarse with the tears I am holding inside. You hold me so gently yet so securely. Once you shared your life force with me, kept me alive when all else failed. Now you share your heart, your love. And my fears shrink away from its light. You cannot promise forever. No one ever can. But you will not leave me. Not willingly.

The sun is rising, and every morning I watch it rise with you by my side feels like a gift. A gift of light and warmth, of hope and another day. At the end that's all we can promise each other. Another day. And Another. An endless chain of days.

The End

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