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Fuck this. Fuck all of it, every goddam piece of it, why the hell am I even trying? Olivia stared down at her hands. They were still stained with blood Alex's blood Olivia though to herself. Alex's blood.
Why couldn't it have been me? Why didn't I see it coming, push her out of the way? How could I have been so unobservant? My stupidity may have cost Alex her life. Right now she's probably dieing slowly in the ER. Why did I leave her there to die? Why the hell did I leave her like that? Positive thoughts, Benson, Alex is not going to die. The nurse said that she would be out of surgery soon, that she would still be there in the morning. But what if she wasn't? What if.... Positive thoughts my ass! I should have stayed with her, now she'll die without me ever telling her....
Olivia put her head in her lap, and pulled her hair over her face with both hands. She was sitting on her couch, alone, in her apartment. The street outside was yellow-orange in the twilight, but it was silent and peaceful, unaware of the torture going on inside the apartment.
Without you ever telling her what? Olivia found herself asking. Telling her what? Telling her that... that I what? That I... that I.... Olivia said the next four words out loud in a strained whisper. "That I love her." Olivia buried her face in her hands and sobbed almost silently. The tears streamed out from between her fingers like Alex's blood.
"Alex...." Olivia moaned quietly. "Alex, what have I done to you?" Olivia pulled her legs onto her couch and hugged herself into a curled fetal position. "Oh Alex...." Sitting on her coffee table in front of her was Olivia's badge, gun, and a picture of Alex taken in front of the courthouse after their last success. It was the only picture of Alex Olivia had. Olivia stared at the picture, longing to see Alex one more time, to tell her what she desperately needed to tell her....
As she looked longingly at the picture, her cell rang. Olivia bit back tears as she picked up the phone, and she steadied herself for a moment before answering it. "Benson," she said thickly into the receiver.
"Liv? Liv, are you alright?" Elliot's calming voice echoed through the wires.
"As alright as I can be. How's Alex?"
"Actually, that's why I called you. She... she didn't make it. I'm so sorry, Olivia. I know how much she meant to you."
There was a short, tense silence. Then, "She didn't mean anything to me, Elliot." Olivia snapped her cellphone shut angrily and hurled it at the floor, where it landed with a thump. Why didn't I stay with her? Why didn't I ever tell her.... If you can here me now, where ever you are, Alex, I love you....
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