DISCLAIMER: The story, and characters and anything and everything else concerning SG: SG1 belong to MGM, Gekko, Secret Productions etc, they are so not mine and no money is being made from this and no copyright infringement is intended.
MUSIC: "An Olive Grove facing the Sea" by Snow Patrol. Thanks to RowanD for introducing me to the song.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
SPOILERS: Set after Hathor, Season 1
Let Me Go Out There
By Celievamp
Sam Carter knew the nicknames usually leveled at her – Ice Queen, Captain Frosty, that stone cold bitch. She was a classic case of nurture over nature, her daddy's little soldier. Only her eyes ever betrayed her true emotions.
Janet Fraiser wasn't the first woman Sam Carter been interested in. She probably would not be the last. Not that Sam ever did anything about it – not after that first time.
Abigail. Abby McKendrew. Sam found out that Abby used to go down to the lake that bordered her uncle Irving's property every afternoon to swim. Sam hid in a nearby tree and watched her. Sam was thirteen, still undeveloped though already tall for her age. Her father was away on a mission which was why she was spending the summer with uncle Irving and his current wife. She was nice enough but she had planned lots of `girly' things to do with Sam only to find that Sam couldn't disappear fast enough. She was more interested in tooling around the back roads and across the fields on her dirt bike.
All the feelings she had had back then. Buzzing around inside her head, bursting through her body. The first sight of Abby's naked body as she stood on the bank and dived into the water had made Sam's senses overload. She thought she was going to faint and pressed herself to the tree trunk, the bark rough against her cheek. The afternoon sun glinted on the water burning the sight of long pale limbs onto her retina into her brain. The heat and the silence beat into her body. She gasped as Abby stood up, the water coming to her waist. Her small breasts glistened with water as Abby reached out and wrung out her long dark blonde hair, smoothing it back from her face. Sam had a sudden intense fantasy of going into the water herself, standing behind the smaller girl and kissing her way along her bare shoulder her hands reaching round to cup her breasts. She knew exactly how they would feel, the light chill of her wet skin against Sam's warmer flesh. And then she would…
There were no words yet for that, no actions. She was only thirteen and outside of her textbooks had led a pretty sheltered life. All she had were feelings and they were almost as big a mystery to her. But these feelings were the most overwhelming she had had since the day her mother died. Those had only brought cold numbing misery. Now, now she had never felt more alive.
A tingling spread through the deepest part of her body, a strange disquieting heat. She must have made a sound because Abby looked up sharply, seeming to stare right at her. Sam closed her eyes tightly struck with the sudden irrational notion that if she couldn't see Abby then Abby could not see her.
When she next dared to open her eyes the girl had gone. It was several days before Sam plucked up the courage to go back to the lake but she never saw Abby there again. But the memory of that beautiful body stayed with long after.
Janet Fraiser turned to see Sam Carter staring at her from the entrance to the showers. "You okay?"
Sam knew she was probably blushing. "Yeah, just…"
"I know how you feel. It's been a hell of a day." Janet turned back, her usual showering routine somewhat hampered by the dressing on her arm. She had wrapped it in plastic to protect it from the water but wasn't having a great deal of luck trying to wash her hair.
Hardly believing what she was doing Sam asked. "Can I give you a hand?" she winced. "Sorry, couldn't think of a better way to phrase that."
"If you don't mind," Janet handed her the shampoo. "Thanks, Sam."
The day had seemed never ending. From trying to cope with their Hathor-besotted male colleagues, to dealing with the wannabe goddess herself and her need to spawn. Seeing her boss become a Jaffa had been something of a highlight and then trying not to be killed by the rest of the SGC.
And now this. Sam slipped out of the towel and came to stand behind Janet under the warm water. She poured some of the shampoo into the palm of her hand and hesitated. The smell assailed her. Honeysuckle and Jasmine. A scent she had come to think of in the short time she had known the CMO as being essentially Janet.
She realized that she was just standing there. "Sam?" Janet glanced back over her shoulder.
"Sorry," Sam lied. "Zoned out for a moment. Must be more tired than I thought." She began to work the shampoo into the smaller woman's hair.
"Mmmmm. That feels good," Janet murmured. "Thanks for doing this for me. I was afraid you might be too… "
"Uptight?"
"I was going to say self conscious," Janet said. "But that works. You do have an… aura about you sometimes."
Sam didn't know how to reply to this. She knew she was blushing.
"And now I've made you even more uncomfortable," Janet murmured. "I'm sorry, Sam." She turned, the movement catching Sam by surprise as she let out a very girly squeak as her soapy hands suddenly made contact with Janet's breasts. And suddenly it was as if she was in two places at once, back at that childhood lake fantasizing about Abby McKendrew and here, in the showers at the SGC with Janet Fraiser.
Her hands were still on Janet's breasts she noted. Her fingers splaying, cupping the globes of pale perfect flesh. It felt like coming home. It felt… right. She did not pull away. Neither did Janet. Then Sam made herself step back. This was not right. This could not happen. This could not be.
"I'm sorry," she said softly. "Are… are you okay to rinse your hair yourself."
Janet's dark eyes searched her face. "I should be able to manage, thanks," she said. Sam did not imagine the note of regret in her voice.
Sam was older now, knew that closing her eyes to it would not make it go away. This was no passing fancy. This was very real, dangerously real. She hurried through her own shower careful not to look in Janet Fraiser's direction again and with a muttered goodbye, escaped.
Unable to rest in her quarters as she had planned Sam headed up to the surface, suddenly needing to breathe fresh air. She wandered to the edge of the SGC compound where there was a flat topped boulder overlooking the city of Colorado Springs below them. She sat, staring out over the city lights and trying not to think of anything at all.
"Sam?" It was Janet. She hadn't heard the smaller woman approach. "Sam, we have to talk about what happened."
She was right. The two of them had to sort this out now. They worked together, saw each other regularly, depended on each other. Something of this magnitude could not go unresolved between them.
"I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable," Sam said softly. "I should have backed off."
"Probably, but you didn't," Janet said. "And I don't know if you noticed, but I didn't back off either, Sam. And that's what we have to talk about. I think… I hope you have feelings for me, Sam, because I certainly have feelings for you."
"We can't…" Sam said automatically.
"I know. I realize that it's the blind leading the blind here. I've never… but I wanted you to know Sam that I would like to try."
"I can't," Sam whispered. "It's a part of me I can't let out. There's no place for it here. You're military. You know that."
"You're scared," Janet said, the tone of her voice revealing how much of a revelation this was for her. "I didn't think anything scared you."
"This does," Sam said. "It always has. It hurts to say no to you, believe me, Janet. It's for the best, I truly believe that." It was hard to get the words out, her heart ached so much. But it had to be done.
Some things were just not meant to be.
SNOW PATROL
An Olive Grove Facing The Sea
Sworn to secrecy I might go after school
She was an angel I saw her swimming there
I am in such a mess I can't cope without this
She just teases me pretends she can't see me here
So let me go out there
I can breathe fresh air
Stay with you all night
Just let me love you
Just for a while want to
Be with you all night
Be with you all night
Until I fall asleep
Just let me be here
I won't tell anyone
Don't want to wake up
The blind lead the blind so why can't I find my way
This could be heaven but I don't know where I am
I am too scared to come out from behind here
My body is aching it feels like it's wearing me
The End