DISCLAIMER: Grey's Anatomy and its characters are the property of Shonda Rhimes and ABC. No infringement intended.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
SPOILERS: Seasons 1-3.
The Good No-longer Shepherd
Addison closed her eyes again and tried to push the images of Izzie out of her head.
"She's probably a wildcat."
"I told you not to talk about her."
Addison bit her lower lip guiltily as she touched a smooth place on Mark's hips and pretended it was Izzie under fingers. He wasn't as soft, but her heart still started to beat faster.
"Mmm, I bet it's really good. Does she do something to you that I don't?"
"Damn it, Mark..."
She could feel her treacherous heart race as Mark moved his hands over her and kept on talking about Izzie.
"What does she like? I bet you're really good at making love to another woman."
"I shouldn't think about... talk about it, it's private."
She managed not to, for a few seconds.
"I like it when she kisses me here..."
She moved Marks head. He didn't do it quite right, but it felt good.
"She has wonderful lips, really sensitive; I can feel where she's kissed me for hours after."
"Oh, good. Very hot."
Mark trailed butterfly kisses, following Addison's directions.
"She likes it when I do this..."
She kept her eyes closed as her head swirled with the conflicting images of Izzie, naked, soft and warm, holding her tight, and the feeling of Mark's firm, masculine body and the hint of sandal wood in her nostrils.
She knew it was a form of betrayal, but she couldn't resist.
"Would she do this?"
"Not like that... She's really good at that, there's a thing she does..."
She took his hand and directed it.
"I see. Maybe she'd use her other hand to..."
She gave in and focused on the image of Izzie, doing the things he talked about, touching him with eyes still closed: He had soft skin for a man and gradually, the images merged with the sensations on her skin to just one...
"Mark, stop it."
"What? I thought this worked for you... It certainly does for me."
He grinned at her.
"We can't talk about her, it's not right. She didn't invite you into her bed, I did. I mean it, you can't."
But Addison couldn't make it stop. When he touched her, the image of Izzie's eyes, dark in the subtle lighting, the rounded curve of her breast as she arched into her touch, her encouraging hand in the small of her back, her incredulously soft lips... It haunted her and refused to surrender, even to the very real flesh of the handsome man underneath her.
Mark was a great lover. Fantastic, even. It wasn't his fault that the medicine had stopped working, it happened sometimes. This time, the drug had side effects.
When Izzie saw Addison and Mark Sloan the following morning, she was embarrassed by the strength of her reaction. Jealousy reared its emerald head and breathed fire as McSteamy smiled at Addison and moved really close... There was something about that smile that made Izzie want to walk up that beautiful man and slap him. She snuck closer, knowing she shouldn't, but she couldn't help herself.
"I've missed you, Addison. I'm glad our friendship has benefits again."
He spoke quietly, but not quietly enough. It was like something broke inside of Izzie.
Addison said nothing, but Mark didn't seem to notice.
"I still have feelings for you, but you know that."
"Mark... I have surgery; we'll have to talk about that later."
"And what about the delectable Dr. Stevens? Can we convince her to join us live too, perhaps?"
Izzie felt like throwing up. Addie had slept with Mark Sloan. And now they were talking about her, cracking jokes. Or maybe that bastard was serious, you never could tell with him.
"Don't talk about her that way, I told you. What happens between her and me is private."
"So you'll go on seeing her?"
"That's none of your business, Mark. I haven't really thought about it."
Izzie took a deep breath and desperately tried to stop the tears from spilling over. Before she had a chance to regret it, she stepped around the corner.
"Maybe I can answer that. Dr. Montgomery and I will not be seeing each other any more. I really don't feel like sharing sex partners with you, Dr. Sloan. I wish I could say that it's because I don't know we're you've been, but unfortunately, I do know where you've been, and I have no desire to catch syphilis."
Furiously, she noticed how her voice trembled a little, so she was careful not to look at Addison.
"Stevens... You wound me."
His voice was indifferent, like it meant nothing.
"If you'll excuse me, I have a trauma coming in."
She did. The trauma was her and she desperately needed to go and treat it by doing some serious crying in the supply closet.
Addison reached out for her hand, but she backed away and walked briskly down the hall, praying that her tears wouldn't flow over until she was out of Addison's sight.
Addison's voice was raw and desperate as she came after her. But Izzie didn't pause. The intern ducked into a patient's room, where the attending couldn't cause a scene in front of the visiting family members.
At that moment, Addison's pager went off. She swore loudly.
"Dr. Stevens? Are you alright, dear? You look like you have seen a ghost?"
"I have, Mrs. Mercer..."
She realised she must look awful when even Mr Mercer, the man with the brain tumour the size of an apple, looked worried. She spent a good portion of the afternoon in a linen closet crying, breaking the rules by repeatedly ignoring Addison's pages.
Addison spent the rest of the day looking for her, but to no avail. They had never promised each other fidelity, hell, they weren't even a couple. So why did it feel like it did when she cheated on Derek?
Meredith and Cristina were hanging around the nurse's station when a nervous and fidgety Addison turned up.
"Have you seen Dr. Stevens? She won't answer my pages, so could you tell her I'm looking for her?"
For a moment, she thought that Yang looked at her strangely, but surely that was in her head. Izzie wouldn't tell Yang, right? Unless Grey had smelt the coconut latte and told her...
Meredith waited until Addison had disappeared before turning to Cristina.
"Something really weird happened today. We were looking at a patient's x-rays and we consulted with Addison, since she was pregnant and Izzie came by and started talking about how she was sorry she had shouted at her earlier. Why would Izzie shout at Montgomery? They don't work together anymore. And she asked if she wanted to go for coffee, and she said something about coconut latte, like that meant something special."
"Coconut latte? That's just wrong."
"Totally. But anyway, Izzie said that they needed "to talk". And here's the weirdest thing of all, Izzie called Addison 'Addie'. Who does that? I've only heard Derek say that. You don't even call Burke by his first name, so what's up with calling Montgomery 'Addie' like they're best friends or something? Isn't that weird?"
"Oh, come on Cristina! I know you say you don't care, but that was weird, right? And I don't think she realised that me and Bailey were there, because she looked really freaked when she saw us. Do you think she's still Montgomery's Golden Girl and she doesn't want anyone to know she's getting differential treatment?
Cristina made good use of her poker face and just shrugged.
"Oh, you're no fun."
Meredith got up.
"Were are you going?"
"To find Izzie, she was just down the hall a minute ago. Bailey will be furious if she finds out that she's been dodging Montgomery all day."
"Mere', leave her."
"I don't think Bailey will mind her ignoring Montgomery."
"What do you mean?"
"Just leave it, ok?"
"Cristina! You know something that I don't. Spill!"
"Can't we please just forget we had this conversation?"
"Seriously? You drop a lot of weird hints and then ask me to forget about it? Now you really have to tell me!"
"Read my lips: no. You don't want to know, trust me, I wish I didn't."
"I'll do your post-op notes for a week."
Cristina sighed. She would never hear the end of this... She had known this would happen from the beginning, but why did it have to happen to her?
"Just don't kill the messenger, OK?"
"Dr. M? It's Addison."
"Which Dr. M? What are you talking about?"
The moment when it dawned on Meredith would have been funny, if Cristina didn't know that the look of sheer terror meant several hours of therapy time with Dr. Wyatt. Meredith was so not ready for the mental image of her friend in the throes of passion with her boyfriend's ex-wife... Cristina saw what was going on in Meredith's brain as clearly as if she had been thinking it herself.
Meredith got up again.
"Where are you going?"
"To talk to Izzie."
"Are you sure that's a good idea?"
Meredith's face was unusually grim as she turned and walked away.
Izzie looked up in surprise and panic as someone opened the door to the supply closet. She had expected Addison, but instead she saw Meredith as she blinked away the tears. She smiled at her.
"Hi Mere. I thought you were someone else..."
"Addison. You thought I was Addison."
She just looked at her for a moment.
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
Izzie stared at her. She had expected Meredith to be freaked, but she hadn't expected angry.
"I don't know you. I- I don't think we can live together anymore."
She slammed the door, leaving Izzie to feel her world starting to cave in.
Izzie spent the night in her bed, crying. Where the hell would she go? And the question of how she could have been so wrong about Addison demanded to be asked over and over again, like torture. She called George, but he didn't answer. She hoped that he was stuck with a patient and didn't just hate her now too... She buried her head in the pillow and wished she could disappear, when she heard a soft knock on the door and Meredith walked in.
For a while, she said nothing.
"I don't have anywhere to go, Meredith. I'll move out if you want me to, but you have to give me some time."
"You deserve this. After the way you reacted to me and Derek, I get to be angry at you now."
Meredith sat down on the edge of the bed.
"Why her? Why Addison of all people, Iz? After what she did to you, to me, to Derek?"
"She made the pain stop. I don't know why, but she was the only one who could."
"Do you have any idea how much therapy I'll need after the involuntary mental image of you and Addison doing the McNasty?"
Izzie managed to stop crying for a moment and smile at Meredith.
"So, Iet me guess, you fell for her and she broke your heart?"
"Something like that, yeah."
Meredith lay down next to her.
"I know. Seriously..."
"You want to go bake something?"
"Don't feel like it."
That's when Meredith became really worried.
Addison met Izzie again the following morning, after spending a sleepless night trying to convince her self that it was all a big misunderstanding and Izzie would be all sunshine and light and want to have hot make-up sex in the supply closet the next day.
She had failed and had the defeated posture to show it. When she spotted Izzie waiting for the elevator, she took a deep breath and tried to straighten up and project confidence as she approached her. Izzie seemed to be deep in thought. Her forehead was creased and she was chewing on her lower lip. Addison gently touched her shoulder to call her attention. Izzie flinched like a frightened animal and moved a few inches away from her.
"Isobel... We need to talk. Meet me in the on-call room?"
"No. There's nothing to talk about."
Izzie used to love how Addison made her feel. Now she hated it. She felt like crying, screaming, kissing her... She wasn't sure. She did know that Addison had managed to turn her back into a mess in just a few days and that she had to force herself to stay away from her to maintain a modicum of sanity. So why did Addison have to smell so good? Why did even her light touch on her shoulder feel like comfort, when it was the opposite? And why did she have to focus so hard to not just throw herself into her arms?
Addison stepped closer to avoid eavesdroppers.
"Please, you're making way to big a deal out of this. Mark and me, it was just sex, it didn't mean anything. You and I are friends. Do you really want to throw that away? I like spending time with you, I thought you liked it too?"
Izzie looked up at her.
"Whatever we were, it was certainly not friends. We have never been friends, Addison, and we never will be. We had hot sex, that's all, and then you choose to have sex with someone else, and I don't want to share fuck-buddies with the manwhore. No big deal, you have fun with Dr. Sloan, Dr. Montgomery."
"Dr. Montgomery? Come on Isobel, of course we're friends, I care about you!"
"No, you don't, not really. But that's ok. I'm a pretty girl, I know that. What most people want from me is a little fun, to see me in my underwear, get to feel me up. Why should you be different? You said you liked my hands and that I looked great naked, nothing more, so at least you were honest about what you wanted. You don't hit on a pretty girl for her personality."
Her words cut like knives through Addison, but she had no idea what to say. She hadn't seen this coming. She had slept with Mark as a reaction to her own panic attack, trying to find her way back to old Addison, who didn't run around after blond interns like a puppy dog, who didn't wait by the phone, in case a centrefold twelve years her junior might call her. She hadn't even thought the consequences through. She had no idea how to react to these accusations.
"Izzie... Please... It's not like that at all."
"Come on, Addison, don't insult me by pretending you care!"
Izzie's eyes were alight with barely contained rage in the harsh light. Her fists were raised in white-knuckled anger and her voice sounded choked. She knew very well that she was mostly angry with herself for having such a self destructive heart, but she couldn't stop the pain from shining through. The worst part wasn't even the sense of betrayal; it was the realisation of just how desperately she had fallen in love with Addison...
Addison felt the anger rise in her chest again. Izzie made her sound like... Mark. And she was nothing like Mark. Right...? This had been a two way street...
"Izzie... You came on to me, remember? I didn't mean to hurt you, but I really don't understand your reaction. We never said that this was more than harmless fun..."
"I came on to you!? That's how you see it? I thought it was mutual, but I guess I was wrong again. So that makes me the whore then and not Dr. Sloan."
"You know, this is getting a little too melodramatic for my taste, Dr. Stevens."
"Melodramatic!? Go to hell, Addie!"
"Isobel! You have no right to talk to me like that!"
"Oh, sorry, Please, with all due respect, go to hell, DR MONTGOMERY! Never let the girl-toy forget who's boss! Don't ask for me again, please."
"Oh, don't worry, Dr. Stevens, I won't. You haven't quite lived up to my expectations of your proclivity for my field, I'm afraid."
Addison regretted it the minute she had said it. It was mean, spiteful and worst of all, totally untrue. But Izzie had hurt her so much, that she just wanted to lash out and hurt her back.
Izzie's face lost all colour, as she looked incredulously at Addison, before turning and walking away. Addison couldn't actually be blamed for not loving her, Izzie knew that. But saying she was anything less than good at her job was unforgiveable... She promised herself then and there to avoid her at all costs.
Addison almost ran after her and begged for forgiveness, but just about managed to resist. She wiped her cheek with the back of her hand. It wasn't a tear; she had just gotten something in her eye... Just saltwater...
Izzie was proud. Izzie took pride in her baking. Izzie took pride in her work. It occurred to her that she had wounded that pride in the worst possible way by sleeping with Mark. Izzie had taken pride in them, taken pride in being a good lover. Addison had spoiled it, making Izzie feel like someone you just called because you had an itch to scratch. She knew in her heart that she had favoured Izzie at work, even though she had maintained the opposite. Yes, Izzie showed great promise in her field, but she had also favoured her because they were sleeping together. Izzie must have felt that too. Sex for surgery. In a strange way, she had made Izzie into a whore, and she wasn't sure she could never forgive herself for that. She understood now what it had been like for Derek and Burke, even though she wished she didn't.
When Meredith came home that evening, it felt like the rerun of a movie she had really hated and was forced to watch again, as she found Izzie lying silent and red eyed on the bathroom floor.
"I'm just resting, Meredith, please go away."
She dialled the number for George and pizza delivery and sat down on the floor next to Izzie.
Izzie nodded listlessly.
Meredith prepared for a long night on the hard tiles.
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