DISCLAIMER: This is a love story about two consenting female adults. Can't handle it, don't like it, don't read it. We're just borrowing Dick Wolf's characters for fun; we aren't making any money from it.
AUTHOR' NOTE: When two writing heads get together in a round robin...
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

It's Gotta Be Love
By Katherine Quinn & Adrienne Lee

1751 CHECK UP

"How was your day?" You ask, flopping into the couch.

"Fine?" I look up from my stack of papers, and push my glasses up the bridge of my nose. "You notice you don't wait for me to say 'come in' anymore?"

"Well, I still knock."

"When did that stop though?"

You shrug. "I don't know. But if you want me to, I can wait for you..."

"No, no, it's okay. I just never noticed until now."

"Okay…" you stretch your legs out and throw your arm over the back of the couch. "You ready soon?"

"Yeah, soon," I reply, skimming over the paperwork for one last time before signing them off. "There. Just let me pack up."

"Did you call?"

"They're putting the profiles together. We should get the packet within a week."

"That's good."

"I told them I wanted someone tall dark and handsome. With brown eyes. Dark brown."

You laugh.

"I'm serious."

"I'm sure you are, sweetie," you say with another laugh. "Hey, Alex?"

The sudden seriousness of your voice makes me look up from my briefcase. "Yes?"

"What about the doctor?"

"What about?"

"Did you call?"

"Not yet." I look down, and go back to packing. "I didn't get a chance."

"You want me to call for you tomorrow?"

"Look, Liv," I sigh, standing up, grabbing my bag and moving towards you. "I'm fine. You know I hate doctors."

"I know," you jump up from your seat to grab my jacket from the hanger. "Sweetie, but…"

"Hush," I press up against you and smile. "Take me home, and Dr. Benson can check me out."

1752 Second Opinion

"I'll be happy to give you a precursory exam, but this Dr Benson would prefer you get a second opinion." I smile at you, trying not to let my general annoyance with your refusal show.

"I know, but Liv..."

"But nothing, it's our baby, Alex."

"I know." You sigh, pulling files from your desk and slipping them into your briefcase, then moving them and rearranging them, so you can get slightly more to fit.

"And it's important you be healthy to carry our baby."

"I am."

"And you need to get vitamins if you're planning on carrying a baby."

"We still have what was prescribed to you," you remind me quietly.

"I know, but what if you have to take different stuff?"

"All prenatal vitamins are the same, I'm sure." You frown at me, pushing things into your briefcase.

"Alex?" I ask you.

"Liv, I just really don't like doctors. And we don't have a ton of time."

"And you're willing to risk that because you don't like doctors?"

"I really don't like doctors," you whine at me, but to no avail.

I can feel the stern look on my face. "What would you make me do?"

"I wouldn't make you go!" You say.

"You already did."

"I knew you were going to point that out."

"Of course I would point that out!" I laugh, nearly exasperated.

"Fine, fine, I'll call tomorrow, okay?"

"Why not now?"

"It's late, they're closed."

"Fine, tomorrow it is. But I'm going to make sure you call." I say as sternly as I can.

"Fine." You sigh, "Can we just go home now?"

"Yep," I smile, taking your hand and leading you away.

1753 PUSHY

"Did you call yet?" Comes the first sentence out of your mouth.

"What happened to 'hello' or 'I love you'?"

"Hello, Sweetie, I love you," you laugh. "So?"

I sigh into the receiver. "Not yet."

"What are you waiting for?"

"Time to catch my breath?"

"Crazy morning, huh?"

"Yep."

"So do you want me to call for you?"

"Don't you have perps to catch or something?" I jokingly ask.

"Yes, but this is important." You insist.

Even through the telephone, I can see the determination on your face. "Fine. I'm going to call them right now. As soon as I get off the phone with you."

"Promise?"

"Yes, I promise," I say, not bothering to hide my exasperation. "Can I go now?"

"You gonna call me back?"

"You want me to?" Obviously you do. Why do I bother asking?

"If it's not too much trouble..." You say.

"All right. I'll call you as soon as I get the appointment."

"I thought you're calling now."

"I am, I am."

"Okay, bye."

"Bye."

"Love you!" You add, cheerfully. Happy to have your way, I'm sure.

"Love you, too." I mumble, and stare at the phone in my hand...

1754 Distracted

I sit staring at the phone, watching, and waiting, willing it to ring to let me know you've finally made the call I've been bugging you about for so long.

It's getting more and more ridiculous as we continue, begging you to just finally make an appointment. I don't get what you problem is.

I mean, it's important. And you know that, you made me go to all my appointments.

"Are you expecting someone to call you?" Elliot asks looking at me over his file.

"Hmm, what?" I ask absently, honestly having forgotten he was even there.

"You keep staring at the phone."

"Oh, yeah, Alex was going to call me."

"Didn't you just?"

"Oh yeah, I did."

"Something going on?" He asks me, raising his eyebrow.

"No," I say too quickly.

"Really?" He asks.

"Yep."

The phone rings and I snap it up. "Benson," I ask, and am disappointed to hear it's the lab with results for us. I jot them down quickly, urgently wanting to get off the phone so you won't get a busy signal when you call.

"Liv?" Elliot asks me again.

"Yeah?" I ask.

"You're sure nothing's up?"

"Yeah, sure." I sigh, wishing the phone would ring. "We've got a hit," I say, looking at the results, knowing that this means I have to leave my desk.

"Great, we can roll." Elliot says, looking at me.

"Great," I frown. "Just great."

1755 REPORT

I keep staring at the phone. Suppose I should just make the call. It's really not so bad. Considering that's what I've told you time and time again.

You dealt with it like a trooper. Why shouldn't I do the same?

On the other hand, we're different. I'm younger, and I don't have your potential health unknowns. And, I mean, when's the last time I had sex with a man? Law school?

But you're right. I should get it done. If nothing else, to give you a peace of mind. It's only fair. It's not like I haven't had it done before...

I sigh at the phone which is still sitting in the cradle, on my desk. It's not going to call itself, Cabot.

Why didn't I just let you call?

Oh, right, just in case they ask you when the last time I had it done. Something tells me you wouldn't like the answer.

Suppose I'm avoiding it now because I don't want to hear what Dr. Nazi has to say either.

This must be how Catholics feel when they have to confess about lapse of time since their last confession. Wonder if any of them stop going just because of the guilt.

Why do I feel like I'm still twelve whenever I'm around doctors? Because they have power and control over me?

I glance at the clock. I've been sitting here for, what, 15 minutes now? Knowing you, your eyes are probably bugged out from staring at your phone.

I should just do it, especially before you decide to check up on me again.

Yeah.

With a deep breath, I pick up the phone and dial the number I have written on the post-it pad. "Hi, I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. Park.

"Just a check up.

"Alexandra Cabot.

"No, I'm not a new patient.

"Um. A couple of years ago? Maybe more?

"Okay, thanks." There. I have an appointment. You should be happy.

1756 Sensitive

My phone rings finally, well vibrates is more like it. Elliot looks over as I check the caller ID before flipping the phone open.

"Booty call?" He asks me with a smug smile.

"You really are a jerk, you know that?"

"Pride myself on it," he says, as he turns his head back to staring absently where he's driving.

I flip the phone open and without even saying hello, I ask you the most pertinent question. "Did you do it?"

"I don't want to know," Elliot laughs in my ear, and I ignore him by slipping my finger into my other ear.

"Yes, I did it." You say back. "Elliot being a jerk?"

"As usual," I answer, and he nods his head. "Thank you," I say with a smile, a smile that's way too big for my face at this point.

"You're welcome. Will you stop nagging me now?"

"When is it?"

"What?"

"When's the appointment?" I ask.

"Next Thursday? Why?"

"So I can go with you." I smile, sure you'll be as happy as I am.

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?"

"Why do you want to go?"

"Because?" I say, suddenly aware that Elliot's eyes are on me. "Because you know why."

"You really don't have to."

"I want to."

"You really don't."

"Can I just, can we talk about this later?"

"Sure," you say with a sigh. "I'm busy Liv, I've gotta go."

"Fine. Bye."

"Bye," you say, frustration in your voice.

"What's up?" Elliot asks before the phone slams closed.

"Nothing." I say, staring out the side window, refusing to answer him.

"Great." He says. "Fucking great."

"What's your problem?" I snap at him.

"The two of you. At least twice a month the two of you just go at each other and you fucking make everyone else's lives miserable."

"I really think you should shut your mouth."

"Why? It's time you grew up a little and realized your mood effects other people. You're not pregnant anymore, so we don't have to walk on fucking egg shells."

And then he sees my face. "Liv, I'm, I didn't mean."

"I'm sorry, I'll be more sensitive." I say cruelly, willing myself not to start to cry. To be reminded, reminded like that.

"Come on, Liv, I'm, I'm just..."

"No, El. You're right."

1757 CONCESSION

I know from your tone you're not happy with me.

Well, I'm not happy with you either.

Why do you have to be the way you are?

Why can't you just let me be...

I stop my ranting, and sigh. Do I really want you to quit your hovering? Not if that's your way of showing how much you care. I suppose I do the same to you, or at least I try...

Suppose that's also one of the reasons I fell in love with you - your caring and your protectiveness. I'm only having issues because I'm having issues about this appointment thing.

And you really are just trying to be sweet. I shouldn't take my issues with doctors out on you. And maybe, just maybe, with you there, Dr. Nazi wouldn't say too much.

Letting out another deep breath, I pick up the phone and punch in the speed dial number for you.

"Hey," you answer, your voice much more subdued than before.

"Something wrong, Liv?"

"No," you reply, a little too quickly.

"Want to talk about it?"

"No," you confirm.

Not around Elliot anyway, I decide, and move on, "Listen, I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For being an ungrateful bitch earlier."

"You weren't."

"Right. I'm just having issues with going to the doctor in general."

"I know, Alex. That's why I wanted to be there."

"I know, and I appreciate it." I sigh, and add a more cheery note to my voice, "So are you still coming with me?"

"I thought you didn't want me to."

Ouch. I twist the phone cord around my finger and concede, "I'd really appreciate it if you'd..."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, it'll help me feel better. You can hold my hand."

1758 Probed

At least this time, when my phone rings, Elliot and I have retreated to neutral corners. I refuse, absolutely, refuse to accept is apologies, his millions of them. I don't want to hear it. I'm tired of him being so damn negative. I understand, in a way he still is the same jealous son of a...

Instead, I flip the phone open and talk to you. I can't smile though, even though I want to. You offer to let me go with you, to hold your hand while you get examined, and even though it's a sweet offer, I can't get excited. I have, instead, the ruminations of Elliot's words running through my head. His accusation, which hurts more because of the implication. I should still be pregnant. I should.

"What's wrong?" You ask, carefully. I'm sure you can hear the thoughts in my tone, because sometimes, it seems you know me better than I know myself.

"Nothing." Is my only simple response. I'm not sure I could explain it even if I wanted to.

"You sound upset." You say quietly.

"I'm not, okay?" I answer, as defensively as I can.

"Is it because of me?" You ask, continuing to probe me until you get the answers you want.

"No."

"Elliot?"

"Yes," I say, staring over at him.

"Oh. Just his usual charming self?" You say, with sarcasm in your voice.

"Something like that. I just, I can't"

"I know," you say. "Whatever he did."

"It's fine." I say quietly.

"You're upset."

"A little."

"Okay, we can talk about it later," you say, quickly.

"Fine," I sigh into the phone.

"What are you doing for lunch?"

"Hmmmm."

"Meet me," you say. "We'll talk."

"Fine," I say, half smiling. "Sounds great."

1759 GENTLE

"Come in," I call in response to the knocking. "Thought it was you." I smile when you walk through the door, and lean your back against it. "Told you you didn't have to wait for permission." When you don't answer, I get up from my desk and move towards you. "What's wrong?"

You furrow your brows for a minute and press your lips together. Then without a word, you pull me into your arms, and into a hungry, needful kiss.

Before I know it, I'm biting down on the shoulder of your jacket to muffle my screams while your hands take and ravish my body. Quickly, I crash around you, surprised by your fierceness.

Then, gently, you hold me to you, smoothing my skirt down from my waist, and letting me catch my breath.

"Hi," I whisper against your neck.

"I love you," you say with a desperation in your voice.

"I love you, too." I smile, and press a gentle kiss to your skin. "How are you?"

"I'm fine."

"Don't lie."

"I'm not," you start to deny, then you sigh. "I'm sorry."

"For what? Attacking me? I'm not complaining."

Pulling back, you slide your fingers through my hair, and smile, "Not that."

"Then what?"

"Not being able to, making it necessary, making you." Your sentences come in fragments until you finally decided on what to say, and you rush, "That you have to go to the doctor next week. I know how much you hate doctors."

I look at you closely, noting that you're trying hard to not avert your gaze. Taking your face in my hands, I run my thumb across the middle of your brows. "What did that man say to you?"

"You mean El?"

"Yes, Liv."

"He didn't, he just, he reminded me that he doesn't have to tiptoe around me now, since I'm no longer, since I'm not..."

"I'm going to kill him."

"Don't." You sniff. "He's right."

"No. He has no right."

"I was being moody and difficult."

"That still doesn't make it okay..."

"I know, I know." Once more, you close the distance between us. "Can we just forget about it?"

1760 TIME

"No, we can't just forget about it. I hate that he upsets you like that."

"You don't have to be upset at him," I mumble. "It's not that big of a deal."

"Well, it's too late. And it is a big deal. That was incredibly insensitive."

"It's El, Alex. And, I wasn't being very nice," I try to explain again. "I don't want you to be mad." I sigh. I honestly don't want you to be upset. I wouldn't have even told you if I hadn't known that you wouldn't let it drop, and would ask me again and again for until I finally told you. I just want you to just listen... just listen and smile and tell me it was okay.

"It doesn't matter." You say indignantly.

"It does matter." I sigh. "It's just... let's just drop it."

"Liv... what's really wrong?" You ask, pushing my bangs out of my face and letting your head lean into me.

"Hmm?" I ask absently.

"What's really bugging you? I mean, Elliot says dick headed things to you all the time..."

"I just... I don't like..."

"Being reminded?"

"Well yeah, but no. I don't like knowing that our lives have to change now. I feel bad. I don't want you to have to go to the doctor."

"Well... I think it's about time that I go anyway," you sigh.

"Wait, why?" I ask.

"It's been awhile," you sigh.

"How long?"

"I don't know," you try to answer, but I can see in your eyes you're ignoring the question for another reason.

"How long, Alex?"

"A few years?" You say, looking at the floor.

"How many years, Alex?"

"Eleven?" You ask, "Maybe twelve?"

1761 GUILTY

"Alex!" You scold.

"What?" I answer with as much self-righteousness as I can muster.

"You've got to be kidding. Twelve years?"

"Give or take. Yeah? So?"

"I thought you went for a check up last year."

"I did. General. I'm as healthy as a person can be. In fact, I'm healthier than most."

"But I thought... I don't believe it. You of all people. And you made me go to all those exams."

"But it's different."

"How?"

"Well, to start, I haven't really used those parts of my body."

"What do you mean?"

"I haven't had sex..."

"And what have we been doing? What did we just do?" You interrupt indignantly.

"With a man for ages, I was going to say. And even when I was doing that, I mean, I used condoms. It's not like I had foreign matters introduced into my body."

"I can't believe I'm hearing this," you say, shaking your head.

"I don't know what the big deal is."

"The big deal? Let me tell you the big deal..."

"Look," I cut you off. "Women in other countries don't get it done routinely. They're not dying left and right of uterine cancer or whatever. Besides, I have an appointment next Thursday. So can we please just drop this."

"No, we can't just drop this."

"What do you want from me?" I demand, my guilt fueling my temper.

"What do I want?" You nearly yell. "I want you to get regular checkups like everybody else."

"It's my body. You have no right..."

1762 Negligent

"I have no right?" I almost choke on my words. "I have no right?"

"It's my body," you say again, crossing your arms in front of my chest.

"That's the most asinine, stupid, irritating, horrible thing I've ever heard you say." I stammer, seeing red flashing before my eyes. You're right in a way, it's your body, but you're my life. You're what makes me whole...

"It's true."

"It's not true. When you married me... when you told me you loved me, you started to share your body and I started to share mine with you. I love you Alex. I would die if anything happened to you."

You give me a glare with the ice heavy in your blue eyes. "I know what I'm doing, Liv. It's fine. I'm low risk, and I don't like going."

"So what if something happens to you?"

"Nothing's going to happen."

"So using your logic," I say, "This is my body and I can do what I want with it, right?"

"Yeah." You say, raising your eyebrow at me.

"So I can go back to smoking. Hell, I could go back to drinking."

"That's different." You say quickly.

"How's it different?" I press you.

"That's bad for you."

"Bingo!" I complain.

"It's not the same, Liv. It's not the same and you know it. You're increasing your risk."

"And you are too, if you don't get checked out. Baby, I love you too much for you to not take care of yourself."

"I am though, Liv." You insist.

"Baby," I shrug, feeling tears in my eyes.

"Don't cry, Liv," you say softening in front of me. You uncross your arms and come over to me. "I'm going to go, okay? I'm going to take care of it, I promise."

1763 THURSDAY

When you look over to the clock for the n-th time, I sigh against your shoulder, "I suppose we should get up."

You pretend you haven't been antsy since we woke up. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure, Liv. You don't have to baby me," I complain, still laying on you without moving.

"I'm not. It's not often we get the day off in the middle of the week."

"I wouldn't call it a day off," I blurt.

"I'm sorry you have to go to the doctor, Baby," you whisper, kissing me softly on my head.

"No, you're not," I reply, with a whine to my voice. I'm milking the situation, I know it, you know it, but somehow you don't seem to mind. Well, probably because you're just being a gracious winner.

"Just think," you say with a smile. "You'll feel so much better knowing."

"You will."

"Yes, I will."

"I'm fine, Liv."

"I'm sure you are, Sweetie."

"Now, you're being patronizing."

"I'm just agreeing with you," you reply sweetly.

"I'm not twelve."

"No," you laugh. "You're about eight when it comes to the doctor."

"Olivia Benson!" I swat your leg.

"Hey, no wife abuse."

"Whatever."

1764 Waiting Room

I watch as you cross and uncross your legs in the waiting room. "Nervous?" I whisper to you, and you look over at me from across the top of a beaten magazine.

"No, baby, I'm just enraptured with this article about the fall of the Berlin Wall. Look," you say, "It's been what, twenty years?"

"Alex." I sigh, reaching for you.

"No, Liv, I'm glad. I've wanted to catch up on my reading."

I roll my eyes at you. "Alex. It's not that bad."

"Sure." You whine.

I watch you as I wait, and try to imagine you pregnant. I bet you'll be beautiful. I wish you knew how sexy it would be to know that our baby is growing inside you.

The idea that our baby, our tiny perfect little girl or boy would have your features, your blazing blue eyes… getting the chance to watch as you give birth, as our child heaves his or her first little breath.

"Alex?" I whisper.

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

"Yeah, sure you do." You sigh, uncrossing your legs and turning them the other way.

"No, really. Alex."

"What?" You ask me again, looking up at me.

"I really love you."

You catch my eye and smile at me. "I know. Why the hell do you think I'm here?"

"Because I pestered you until you caved?"

"That and because I know you love me."

"I do." I whisper. "I really do."

"I know." You say, staring at me.

"I just, this means a lot to me," I manage before they call your name.

1765 NERVOUS

"Put this on," the nurse points to the paper gown sitting on the examination chair. "And the doctor will be with you shortly."

For a minute, I stare at our surroundings. Then my focus returns to the disposable gown.

"Come on, Baby," you say, moving towards me, your hands reaching for my buttons.

"I'll do it," I say, blocking your progress.

"Okay." You smile cautiously, spreading the gown open, and waiting for me to undress.

Suddenly I feel naked, naked and exposed. It's just you, I tell myself. Why am I even embarrassed in front of you?

Looking up, I see you smiling at me expectantly. With a sigh, I let my shirt slide off my shoulders. And I will myself to not turn around as I unclasp my bra.

What's wrong with me?

"Will you?" I ask, this time turning away from you.

You wait for me to put my arms through the holes. Then carefully, you tie the strings together. "It's not that bad, really," you comfort.

I simply sigh.

"It'll be over soon enough," you coax. "Then I'll take you somewhere nice for lunch."

I know you're just being sweet, and I try to smile back. But right now, it's not working…

"Sweetie?"

"Yeah?" I look up towards your voice.

"Your pants?"

"Oh. Right." I take a deep breath, and slip off my shoes and the remainder of my clothes. Soon, I find myself sitting on the edge of the examination chair.

After folding my clothes, you turn to me and take my hands in yours. "I love you," you say again with a shy smile.

"I know." I smile. This is worth it. I know it is.

The knock on the door breaks us apart. "You ready?"

"Yes," I reply.

"Little Alexandra," she says, waving her folder. "You're not so little anymore. How's your mom?"

"She's fine. I was grown the last time I saw you, Dr. Park," I remind my mother's OB-GYN…

1766 Fine

I pound on my desk with a pencil, absently reading over a file, biting down on my bottom lip. Our yearly file review is quickly approaching and all of us have been wallowed down with stacks of files every day, and it seems like no matter how much progress we make each day, more files come in, that need to be checked and double checked for order and evidence trails. All of them need to be signed, and checked, and I can't honestly say my mind or my spirit is much in the task.

Elliot's warned me twice already about the pencil, and before that it was nervously tapping my leg, which was apparently making his desk shake. This time, he doesn't say anything, but sits up, reaches over and snatches the pencil out of my hand.

"What?" I ask him.

"If you don't stop…" he threatens, but stops as he drops back into his seat. Just to spite him I pick up a pen and shove the cap between my teeth.

The phone rings and nearly dumps me out of my chair. I pick it up and say my name as a greeting.

"Hey, baby," your voice comes through the line.

"Hey," I smile.

"What are you guys doing?"

"Paperwork, why?"

"Just wondered." You say quietly, with a touch of sadness in your voice.

"What's wrong?" I ask, quickly.

"Nothing." You say fast.

"You sure?"

"I have to talk to you."

"About?" I ask, tapping my pen again.

"I talked to the doctor today?"

"What'd they say?" I ask.

"I need to go back in."

"Why?" I ask.

"They didn't say, just that I had to get some more tests. And Liv… that's… what if…"

"Shh," I mutter. "Don't think that way."

"But, Liv, it's not…"

"It'll be fine," I say with fierce determination, but inside I feel the anxiety starting to bubble.

1767 ANXIOUS

Again we sit in this sterile white room.

Again we wait.

"Liv?"

"You'll be fine," you say, shutting me out. Like you have for the last two days. Since we found out about this. Whatever this is that requires me to come back. Here.

"What if I'm not."

"You're are, Sweetie." You insist. "I'm sure they're just double checking. Maybe she wants to see you again now that she has you in her office."

"Maybe," I say, even though I don't believe you. I doubt you believe what you're saying either…

Leaning over, you smile, and squeeze my hand. "I love you," you say, just like you did a week an a half ago when we were sitting here.

Waiting…

You squeeze my hand again to catch my attention, and smile a sweet smile.

I have no choice but smile back. "I love you, too. Very much. Thanks for being here with me."

"That's what married people do," you say cheerfully. "We're married."

"I know." I sigh. "Liv…"

"You're going to be fine," you repeat, once again preempting whatever it is I have to say. You know what I have to say.

"We need to talk about this."

"Talk about what?"

"Why we're here. And what if…"

"No 'what if''s, Alex," you scold. "And we don't know why we're here."

Before I can argue, the nurse opens the door and sticks her head out. "Alex?"

"Yes?" We both jerk up.

"Dr. Park will see you now…"

1768 Denial

I watch as you stand up. "I'll stay here," I whisper.

"You're not going to…" You ask me, your eyebrow raising at me as you start to stand up.

"I… If you want me to…" I say, suddenly realizing how hard it is for me to follow you. I don't want to go in there, because if I go in there, then this is all real.

For all the times you've tried to talk to me about this, I've pushed you away. I refuse, absolutely can not fathom, that there's anything more to this than something entirely routine. It's because you haven't been in so many years, they bring you back in and check everything out further.

"Of course I want you to," you scold me reaching for my hand, breaking my train of thought.

"I just…"

"Fine, stay." You sigh, throwing your purse into my lap while you turn on your heel.

"Wait," I start after you.

"Don't put yourself out," you say, cruelly and I scold myself for my own insensitivity.

"No, I'll…" I stand up and follow you down the hallway. This time when you pull your clothes off, you're not shy, but irritated.

"You really don't have to be here," you say, turning to me again, but this time, your face is pale.

"What's wrong, Alex?"

"I'm, I'm," you stutter over your words. "I'm scared." You manage, while a tear rolls down your cheek.

"There's nothing to be scared about," I say, as I sink into the chair next to the examination table, while I watch you pull yourself up onto the table.

"There's lots to be scared of," you demand. "There could be something…"

I cut you off. "Nothing's wrong, Alex. Everything is going to be just fine."

"You can't… I can't, you can't do this to me."

"What?"

"You can't shut off like this. I need you now. I need you to deal with this, Baby, because I'm not sure I can do this alone."

1769 ALONE

I watch you sink into the chair.

I watch you shut me out. Shut out whatever's potentially wrong, and pretend that everything's okay.

Everything's not okay.

If it were, why wouldn't they tell me over the phone why they want me back in?

Why would they want me back on the examination table with my pants off?

What could possibly be wrong?

I'm low risk. I'm healthy. I don't, I haven't had sex with men in god knows how long. I don't smoke, at least I haven't since my last exam. I don't drink excessively. Hell, I haven't had a sip since you and I got together. There's no history of cancer in my family…

So why am I here?

Am I going to die?

Suddenly my mind is filled with all the questions that I wanted to ask, that I wanted to deal with before we got here, that I had hoped to share with you…

And I'm scared.

And even when I admit to you my fear, all you give me is your denial.

I feel so alone…

"I can't do this, I don't think I can do this by myself," I tell you. "Please Liv," I plead. "Baby, I need you."

"But I'm right here," you insist.

"Physically, you're in the room, but you're refusing to deal with this."

"But there's nothing… We don't know if there's anything…"

"Dr. Park is a very busy person. She wouldn't squeeze me into her schedule just to chitchat."

"But Baby…"

"There is something wrong, Liv. We just don't know what yet."

"Whatever it is, I'm sure…"

"For all we know, I might be dying."

"But you're healthy," you tell me. "You can't…"

"What?" I demand, angry with you. With myself.

"You can't be sick. You can't die! You're my life!"

1770 HERE

"You can't die," I blurt out, the words that I dreaded and avoided the most come flying out of my mouth.

"Jesus, Liv," you mumble. "You go from zero to.."

"No Alex, you don't understand. You have to be okay. You have to be okay because I can't do this. Not with you."

"Liv," you sigh, but I cross my arms and stand up, realizing the room is way too small to pace, I stand in front of you, arms crossed tightly in front of me. I can feel my brain shutting down; my body feeling suddenly heavy. I put my hand back against the wall. I look at you and see you staring back at me. I don't know why you look relieved, or at least some mixture of relieved and scared, but it's probably because I'm finally cracking around the edges.

"It's going to be okay," you say with a false smile, reaching your hand out. Unsteadily I reach forward and take yours, lacing our fingers.

"That's what I've been telling you." I say trying to smile at you.

"But you were saying it in denial, Liv. We have to deal with the possibility that…"

"Can't we just pretend it's nothing?" I interrupt you, not wanting to hear you say the words again.

"Not for much longer, I think we'll find out eventually, at least now that we're here." You say with a fake smile.

I sit back down hard, my legs buckling into the chair.

I stare at you, and you scoot yourself back on the table. "Are you really scared?" I ask.

"Yes." You whisper.

"I am too."

"I know." You tell me.

"I'm… I'm sorry."

"For what?" You ask.

"For the way I've been acting."

"It's okay." You say, lying back.

"It's not." I mumble.

"Just be here for me now," you whisper. "Just be here for me now."

1771 UNKNOWN

Our eyes tear away from each other's when there's a knock on the door. With a practiced smile, Dr. Park walks in with my record.

"Alexandra," she starts.

"Just tell me what's wrong with me," I cut her off, more gruffly than I intended to be.

"Well, I don't know yet. But the lab results came back abnormal," she tells me with a concerned shrug.

You suck in an audible breath while I grip the cream vinyl edge of the chair.

"Now, there's no need to jump to conclusion," she rushes to comfort us.

Dr. Nazi suddenly developed a kindler, gentler bedside manner. I must be dying.

"Baby," you whisper, grasping my hand as a faint spell hits my head.

"I'm fine." I say, steadying myself. "So what do we need to do?" I ask her.

"First, I need another sample from you," she says, and pats the back of the chair. "Just lie back, and put your legs up on the rests."

Staring up the ceiling, I wait for her to adjust the positions of various things. From the corner of my eye, I see you watching her put on her latex gloves and gather her equipments. And I feel numb.

"Okay," she coaxes, "Just relax. It's going to take a little longer this time."

I try not to feel, try not to wonder what's she's doing. First I concentrate on my own breathing. Then I turn to the sounds of yours.

Are you watching her?

"All right, I see it," she says.

"See what?" I gasp.

She doesn't answer. Instead, she pats my leg. "Now, try to relax. This might hurt a little."

I try not to think about the pain. Why do they always warn you about the pain?

Then I feel a scrape inside me.

A biopsy.

Abnormal tissue.

She'd found abnormal tissue.

Learned conclusions force their way into my thoughts as tears pushing against my eyes, and I squeeze them shut, and bite down on my lip…

1772 360

"Did you hear? " I ask you impatiently, calling you for nearly the tenth time in less than three hours.

"Not yet, no." You say, sighing. "I told you that I would call you when I found anything out.

"I thought you forgot."

"Liv, how could I forget?"

"I just want to…"

"I know," you say, "but it could still be nothing."

"She said she would call today." I remind you.

"It's only four, baby."

"I know but, jeez." I demand. "You'd think that they'd put some priority…"

"Maybe it's good news."

"Maybe." I say quietly, not believing it.

I've done a full 360, now, from refusing to believe that anything could possibly be wrong to believing that everything in the world could be. I can't help myself but to watch you a little more closely, looking for signs that you're dying.

You haven't changed. You still sleep the same with the tiny punctuated snores you've always had. You still eat the same way, still smile at me the same way, still dress each morning. You're still irritated with me when you find me under foot, but I keep wondering. Waiting for the doctor to tell me, to tell us, what our future will be.

I wish I could explain to you how scared I am, but instead I try to keep a brave face. I try to tell you without words, because I'm afraid the words will fail me like they have before. So instead I sit here impatient and wish I were watching you to prove to myself that you still look like you did this morning when I left you.

"I just wish that they would call." I sigh.

"I do too." You say. "Liv, I've got to get back to work."

"Okay," I say, taking a deep breath. "Call me if you hear?"

"I will." You say as you hang the phone back up, leaving me back in my thoughts.

1773 HELP

With you suddenly all concerned and hovering over me, I find myself switching gear. It's almost like I'm disassociating…

Besides, it's 4 o'clock. So if they haven't called me yet, I must be okay. Right?

I have to be okay.

Who's going to help you help me if I'm not okay?

Every time you call today, I detect subtle changes in your voice – you're fraying around the edges. Losing your handle of the situation.

When the phone rings again, I bark, "I'm not dying."

"Whoa, Sweetie!" You whine. Then you yelp, "So you heard?"

"No, Liv, I haven't."

"Maybe you should call."

"Maybe they've been trying to call me all day, but getting a busy signal," I whine back.

"I'm sorry…"

"Look, Sweetie," I sigh, relenting. "I know you're worried."

"I am!"

"You're not helping."

"But…"

"Liv, listen to me," I sigh, deeper this time.

"Yeah?"

"Let me get off the phone…"

You don't let me finish. "Allie!"

"Livvy!" I whine back again. "Let me get off the phone, and I'll call them."

"You will?" You ask, with childlike hope.

"Yes, Liv, I will."

"Promise?"

"Yes, and then I'll call you back. Right away," I say, holding my head…

1774 Scared

The phone rings and I snatch it off the cradle, as though my will for it to ring has finally won out.

"Benson," I say too fast.

"It's me." You say quietly.

"Well?" I ask impatiently.

"They need to do more tests." You sigh at me.

"What do they think?" I ask, quickly, wanting you to just supply me all the answers I want immediately.

"They didn't say." You say with a touch of helplessness in your voice.

"What do you mean they didn't say?"

"They just said that I have to have more tests. Maybe go into surgery or something to have a biopsy done. There are cells that aren't normal."

"So like cancer?"

"She didn't say that."

"So she said it wasn't cancer?"

"She didn't say that either." You say quietly.

"So what is it?"

"I don't know. They don't know, Liv. They have to wait, they have to do more tests."

"But you had more tests."

"They're inconclusive, Liv."

"How? It's science. You either have it or you don't."

"Apparently, there's more gray than that."

"I hate the gray." I sigh, putting my head into my hands, wanting to cry but knowing that there are too many eyes on me to let my emotions get to me like that.

Instead I sink my head down, and let you tell me again that everything will be okay.

1775 OKAY

"Come in," I respond automatically to the knock, and look up at the clock. Whoever it is, it'd better be good. When the door doesn't open as I expect it to, I assume I heard wrong.

As I look back down at my paperwork, I wonder where you are. You should be here by now to pick me up…

Then I hear the door handle slowly turning, and I raise my head, just in time to see you peek in. Somehow that tickled my memory. Déjà vu?

"Hey," I say, smiling at you and wondering what you're up to.

"Hi." You smile, a little meekly, holding a bunch of flowers in your hand.

Yep. Definitely déjà vu…

"For me?" I ask, getting up and coming around to join you on the other side of my desk.

"No, I brought them for Petrovski," you say, rolling your eyes. "Of course, they're for you."

"What's the occasion?" I smile into the flowers and pull you towards the couch.

You shrug. "I don't know."

"Come on, Liv."

"I can't just bring flowers for my wife?"

"Sure you can." I sit you down. "Hold on a sec," I tell you. And I feel your eyes watch me as I place the flowers in a vase, and pour the rest of my water into the container. Then I walk over to the door and lock it before returning to you.

"Allie?" You question while I climb into your lap. "Why d'you? Shouldn't we? Home?"

"Shh…" I hush you with a finger to your lips. Then I replace my finger with a kiss, taking your hand and placing it over my heart.

"Allie!" Immediately, you pull away.

I capture your lips again, and kiss you again, before letting you go. "I'm not dead, Liv."

"I know that! Don't even suggest that!"

"Then why are you acting like this?"

"Like what?"

"Like I'm diseased!"

"But we don't know…"

"Exactly, we don't know. And we won't know until I go in for another test three weeks from now. And even then, we won't know right away."

You sigh, and stare at me with your sad puppy eyes.

"I'm sure if Dr. Park thought it was serious, she would've suggested emergency surgery to the other doctor. It could be something as simple as fibroids, or maybe what's abnormal for other people is normal for me," I try to convince you, like I'm trying to convince myself.

"But…"

"Are you going to just keep avoiding me until we find out there's nothing wrong with me? I've missed you…" I whisper against your neck…

1776 Scared

I'm not doing in on purpose, pushing you away. I can feel it inside me, the way I press myself back from you, the way I've kept myself at arms length watching you for any signs, for any proof that you're even sick.

You don't seem sick. You seem like the same old Alex, but I'm not sure. I want to believe that nothing's changed, but more tests? More time?

Why doesn't anyone tell us what's going on?

I'm not sure why I'm doing it even, pushing you back, keeping you away. Is it simply to prepare myself? To get ready for whatever may happen? Even if it's not today, even if it's not now, you're going to die one day, one day you'll leave me back alone.

I watch you smile at me as I walk in the room; I watch you with caution. I swallow hard as I watch as you cross the room and lock the door.

I feel my panic increasing, knowing what you want from me. What you now expect from me.

I watch as you cross to me.

Watch as you press yourself against me.

"I'm not dead," you say, which brings up all the feelings in me.

The panic.

The nervousness.

My heart beats.

How do you know?

How do I know?

"Of course you're not," I try to smile, but inside I feel sick.

You lean into me and kiss me, and I close my eyes, trying not to think about it. Trying instead to focus on the way your body feels, the familiarity of your scent, your skin.

"Kiss me, Liv," you breathe, your eyes closing.

I try, I force myself. I force myself to touch you, force myself to respond to your body, but I don't let you touch me, knowing that you would only see, only find out how hard I'm forcing my body to respond.

1777 HARD

You're kissing me, touching me, the way I want, the way you know I expect. But not exactly. Your heart's not in it, we both know.

But I miss you; I've missed you.

Maybe I should let go, just enjoy the moment. It's at least a semblance of the intimacy we used to share… If this, this is all I can have.

And I let you kiss me, let you touch me. I let you pretend, I let myself believe, that we're, that we… Oh, what's the use?

"Liv," I sigh, and pull away from you, and hold the front of my shirt together. "Stop," I whisper, closing my eyes, and pressing my head against your shoulder.

"What's wrong?"

"This. Everything."

"Allie?"

"Why did you bring me flowers?"

"I don't know." You shrug. "I thought you might like them? Your office needs some colors? Do I have to have a reason?"

"This is my office, not a hospital room."

"Allie!"

I look up, and touch your face. "I know you're scared. So am I."

"But I thought… You thought… You're gonna be okay," you say, as if you're trying to extract a promise from me.

"But what if I'm not?"

"Don't say that!"

"I mean, I don't feel any differently than, say, last week, or last month," I reassure you quickly. "But maybe I won't. Maybe I'm one of the lucky ones, that I'll feel healthy up until the end…"

"Alex! Stop saying that!"

"Whatever happened to living one day at a time?" I remind you, clinging onto you despite myself. "What if this is it? This might be all the time we have left together…"

1778 Scared

"One day at a time's not the same Alex. Not when it comes to this." I sigh. My eyes scan down, watching the floor instead of taking the chance at meeting your eyes.

"Why not?"

"It's not fair. It's not the same." I say, pulling myself away from you and crossing your office, standing in the corner, my arms crossed protectively in front of me. I feel bad; guilty, for the way I feel.

"What do you mean?" You ask, crossing your own arms and bracing yourself against your desk.

"Well, that was all different. Drinking…drinking I could control." I stammer. "I mean, I was making a choice, and I could stop."

"You didn't think you could." You say. I know you don't mean it to sting the way it does. I know that you're not trying to hurt me, but instead, that I'm the one who's hurting you.

"But, Alex, it's different."

"How?" You demand.

"I… I don't," I stutter with frustration, "It just is." I say resolutely.

"That's not an answer."

"I ultimately controlled that." I decide. "But this, neither of us control."

"You can't control everything."

"I know. I mean, but Alex. I had something there, something I could hold on to. I was making a choice. No one made this choice for us. This is something that just happened….you could be really sick. You could die."

"And I could be fine."

"They don't make you go through all this if you're going to be fine. "

"We don't know anything." You insist.

"That's exactly the damn problem. We don't know anything. We're totally in the dark. We just know that something horrible could happen, and we can't do anything about it. I can't handle living like that, Alex. Wondering if any moment my world is going to end? I'm just not strong enough."

1779 ENOUGH

"Your world's going to end?" I laugh bitterly, I can't help it. "You're not the one scheduled for a surgical biopsy."

"You're gonna be okay; you have to be," again you insist.

"You can't control life, Liv."

"I know that!"

"Even if there's nothing wrong with me, what about my world?" I watch you back yourself into a corner, as if the walls and the bookshelves will protect you. "Am I suppose to just let my fear rule me?"

"What fear?"

"You're cop, Liv. You can get killed. Hell, someone can show up in court tomorrow with a gun and I'd be dead."

"Don't say that!" You yelp.

"Whatever happened to the vows we made each other? I stood by you through everything, at least as much as you let me."

"I thought I was keeping my vows," you retort angrily. "I try to take care of you. You won't let me."

"I don't need you to squeeze my toothpaste, Liv."

"What do you want from me? You yell at me for carrying your briefcase. I bring you flowers, and I get the third degree."

"You don't get it, do you?"

"Then tell me what you want from me!"

"What I want from you?" At this point, I'm too tired, too sad to show you attitude. "Let's just say, if the situations were reversed, I wouldn't be pushing you away. I'd try to be close to you, as close as you'd let me, for however long we have together. I'd lay my heart open, and show you however way you want, so you'd know, so you'd know how much I love you, even though it'd kill me later."

"I," you stutter, "Alex, we're different; you're…"

I'm what? Stronger? I don't let you finish. You, no, I have no idea how I'm holding myself together. "That's enough." I sigh, and return to my seat. "I'm too tired for this."

"Alex?" Suddenly, you're at my desk, all concerned. "Are you…"

"I'm fine, Liv," I tell you, without looking up. Opening a new file, I suggest, "Why don't you go on ahead."

"But Allie…"

With my voice still void of emotion, I continue, hiding my tears behind the reports, "I have work to do. Don't bother waiting up for me."

1780 Not Me

"Please don't be mad at me," I beg you, but you turn to me with a coldness in your eyes. You're somewhere beyond shooting fire at me, and instead you watch me with a silent stillness that I hate. It's the same way you look at perps, and it hurts me to know that right now, you're trying your best to push me out of your head and heart.

"I really do have a lot to do." You say, coldly staring back at the file you've spread in front of you.

"Alex, come on."

"What?" You ask.

"I'm trying. I'm scared."

"I'm scared too. Just go, okay? It's fine. I'll be late. Don't wait up."

"Alex," I beg you, suddenly not wanting to leave your presence for longer than a second. "Come on."

"No, Liv. I'm done. When you decide you can…"

"What? Alex? Handle this exactly like you would? I'm not like you."

"I realize that, but you're…"

"I'm trying to deal with the fact that you could be gone. I never thought about it, okay? I never let myself. I figured that I'd be the one to fuck up and die first, okay? I thought that if anything, you'd leave me and then I could wallow in self pity by myself."

"Is that what you want?"

"What?"

"You want me to just leave you? To make it easy on you?"

"Of course not," I mutter in exasperation.

"Well, I think you need to decide."

"Decide what?"

"What you want, Olivia. What you are going to do, because, this, this distance, this isn't working for me."

1781 TRYING

"Alex!" You whine.

"Please, Liv."

"Well, it's not working for me either. But I, I just, I don't know what to do!"

"I guess you can think about it, with me out of your hair tonight," I say, quietly congratulating myself for my ability to keep my emotions in check.

"But I don't," you say, reaching for my files, as if to take them out of my hands. At the last minute, you thought better. "Come on, let's go home."

"And what? So I can spend another night watching brainless TV while you stare at me? I really need to get this stuff done, especially if I'm going to…"

"Don't say that!" You jump in.

I look at you warily and sigh. "Please, Liv, just go." I need you out of here, before I can't control my feelings any longer. I don't want to blow up at you, that's not conducive to the situation. Nor do I want to cry in front of you, when you're just going to hide in a corner. It's just make me all the more aware of the distance between us; it'd just make me give up. Certainly, you haven't been giving me incentives to be hopeful…

"But…" You sink to your knees, so you can catch my eye from the other side of my desk. "Please, Allie, come home with me?"

"I can't. I have work to do, and I think you need time to think."

"Please don't? Don't make me leave?"

"Why?" I sigh, meeting your gaze. You're supposed to be fighting for me. And I suppose in a way you are. I'm sure sooner or later, you'll get over yourself and come around. You have to; you must. I've seen you fight for less important things. But I just wish… I wish, just for once, we don't have to go through with this push and pull…

"Allie…"

"Please, Liv," I plead my own case, resting my forehead in my hand. "I really need…" I start, staring at the papers and willing my tears to defy gravity.

You. You're what I really need…

1782 Sorry

"Alex, I'm sorry." I whine, trying to get you to look into my eyes.

"What are you sorry for?" You ask me, still coldly.

"I'm sorry that I'm not… I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to handle this the way you want me to." I stumble over words that refuse to come easily. I know I'm not saying it right, not saying what's in my heart, but my head isn't working as fast as my mouth.

"That's not an apology." You say, sticking your head back into your file.

"It's not what I mean," I stammer, trying to put the words together in a coherent way.

"What do you mean, then?" You ask, eyeing me over your folder.

"I'm, I'm sorry that I'm not doing such a great job of supporting you, right now. The way you need."

"I'm…" You start, but I interrupt you quickly, wanting to explain.

"I just… Alex. You're my life. I'm afraid of what will happen. I can't take it if something happens to you."

"I don't want anything to happen, Liv, but we have to be prepared," you say, but again I interrupt you.

"I'm scared I'm not strong enough. I'm scared that if something happens to you, that, well… that something would happen to me, too."

"Liv," you say, sliding your file back onto the desk.

"I'm afraid of what I was before you were in my life, and I'm afraid of what I'd be if you weren't anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm just not sure I could handle losing you. Before you, I never needed something, needed anyone, the way I need you now. You keep me… balanced, and stable. And I love you for it. I love that you're there for me, and I love being there for you. But if something happens to you Alex. I'm just not sure… not sure I'd be able to handle it."

"I don't want anything to happen to me Liv. I want to have a long healthy life for you. But we have to be ready for what might be."

"I know." I sigh. "I just… I don't want to lose you."

"I don't want to lose you either, baby. But we have to deal with this. Pretending that it's not happening, that's not going to change the fact that it is."

1783 FEAR

"But… You can't… I can't…" You continue to stumble over your own words. "But I'm…"

"Liv," I sigh, reaching out to cover your hand with mine. "Listen."

"I…"

"Just stop. Take a deep breath," I tell you, my gaze softening. You look as if you're about to protest and I lean forward to touch your face, and run my fingers in your hair. "Just take a deep breath, and try to calm down, okay? I'm not leaving you right this minute."

"But you're… You said I have to leave."

"Come on, Baby." I brush my thumb across your cheek to preempt your tears, and I appeal, "Just stop thinking, just for a second, and take a deep breath. Can you do that for me?"

"Okay," you hiccup and stare down at the desk.

And I wait until you raise your eyes again before I speak, "I don't want to leave you; I want us to be together until we're both old and grey. But if something were to happen, to me…"

"But…"

"Shh… Just listen, okay?"

Reluctantly, you nod.

"I'm sure you'll be fine," I say, drawing your attention to the rings on your finger. "See this?" I twist the plain band around until the word faces you. "I believe in you. You're strong, stronger than anyone I know, and you've come so far…"

"But I did it for you; I couldn't have done it without you."

"No, Liv, you did it for yourself, like you've told me time and again. Remember the first time you tried, and you were doing it for me? It didn't work. You changed in the end because you wanted to. So, whether you want to admit it or not, you're strong. That's just who you are."

"But I'm not sure… I don't think I can… I'm afraid…"

"You can. Trust me. I know you can. It's perfectly human to be afraid of uncertainties; I am." I release a long breath, and decide to continue, "I'm afraid of the hospital, the surgical procedure, whether I can handle being awake while it's happening since they're not going to knock me out. Most of all, I'm afraid of what they might tell me afterwards, and that my time with you is finite…"

1784 Scared

I get on my knees in front of you, and you wrap your arms around my head. "I'm sorry Alex," I manage before I can feel tears burning at my eyes. I keep mumbling that I'm sorry, that I didn't want to hurt you, and you pull me tight into you.

"Baby," you say, holding me tight into you.

"I'm sorry I'm not…" I whisper, trying to make it up to you with my words, which aren't enough.

"Liv. I know this is hard. It's hard for both of us, but we're going to make it. Just don't, don't pull away from me." You say, running your fingers through my hair softly. "I need you."

"I need you," I sniffle.

"I love you baby. It's okay," you say pressing me into you.

"I love you so much," I whisper against your chest while I try desperately to push the tears out of my eyes.

"I love you too, baby. I need you to be strong."

"I know," I say quietly.

"I need you to be there for me."

"I know," I whisper again. "I know."

"We're going to make it through this."

"I know."

"It's going to be okay."

"Yeah," I whimper, trying not to cry. Trying to listen to your words and take them to heart.

"It's going to be okay," you echo, sounding far away.

And then I know. I know the same fears that are running through my head are running through yours. Suddenly, I realize, realize how this isn't just happening to me. The realization is something that I've known in theory but not quite been able to put my finger on. That it's happening to us. That my fears and your fears, they're mingled, and that neither of us want our lives to cut short. A mixture of your pretending everything is fine and my death and destruction world view might be the way to go, a middle ground that can save us both. We're both the same, both scared, both of us not ready to lose the other.

1785 US

"I'm sorry," you whimper, pushing your face into my chest and the final tears out of your eyes. "I'm such a mess," you laugh nervously, scolding yourself.

"It's okay."

"No, I'm supposed to be comforting you. But, here I am, blubbering in your arms."

I smile; and kissing you on the head, I repeat, "It's okay." Finally, we're talking. And this is the closest we've been in what feels like ages...

"You're scared," you say, as if epiphany hits.

"Yeah," I sigh, I whisper, "Out of my mind."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"We're gonna get through this," you announce, as if you believe, "No matter what. We'll be okay. You'll be okay."

"Liv…"

"I know. I know we have to be prepared."

Finally. "Yeah."

"I'm sorry you had to deal with this alone."

"You're with me now…"

"Yeah," you breathe, you repeat, "Yeah, I am. Love you, Allie."

"Love you, too," I reply, slightly breathless, responding to the subtle changes in your touch. "Livvy?"

"Love you," you mumble, nuzzling my chest, your hands sliding down my sides. This time, I know you mean it; I know you want me...

"God," I whisper, closing my eyes. "I've missed you…"

1786 Seal

I look up at you and see you watching me, your eyes on me. I watch you, our eyes meeting.

We don't break contact this time, as you lean down and kiss me gently. I can feel the softness of your lips against mine, the same as it's always been, but still different. This kiss, feels full of a promise. Our seal that we won't let each other go without a fight. That together, we can stand strong against any demon that comes our way.

I look back at you again, suddenly seeing the life in your face.

You're right.

You're not dying today.

Neither of us is going anywhere right now. We still have lives to lead. We still have a future, no matter what it holds, and most importantly, we can still have this moment.

We can have lots of moments.

I reach up with my hand and lace it in your hair holding your neck still, angling it so that you're staring into my eyes.

We stare at each other, our eyes locking, speaking to each other without words. I push myself up on my knees and reach my lips back into yours.

Again they touch, a softness that reminds me of how we were and how we can still be.

"Livvy," you whisper my pet name, as your eyes flutter closed.

"I love you," I whisper back, as I pull you down into my kiss.

"I… I love you…" You moan against my lips as you fight with yourself to maintain the kiss and speak at the same time.

I slide my hands down your sides, watching your breasts harden, your body arch slightly as I rest my hands on top of your thighs, teasing you with my small caresses.

"You want to go home with me?" I ask, with a smile.

"Uh huh." You whisper, pulling me into another kiss.

"Now?"

"Uh huh," you say, not moving.

"Let's go, Allie," I smile, standing up and listening to your whimper as I pull you out of your seat.

1787 MOMENTS

Together, we race to the car, hand in hand and smiling at each other. I don't protest when you grab for my briefcase. The only push and pull we do is to hurry the other along when one of us turns a corner, or lingers a moment too long walking down the hall. In front of the elevator, we push at the buttons, even though we know it'll get here when it gets here.

It seems we've come to an understanding. That we still have our life ahead of us, hopefully a full and happy one, one that lasts for a long, long time. But that we should seize the moments we have together, just in case.

In the elevator, I push into you, hold your face in my hands, and kiss you like you're my air. And you kiss me back, a kiss full of promises – those of the past, and the ones to come. Only when the elevator stops do we pull apart.

The door dings open to my boss standing on the other side. "Counselor, Detective," she stares as us with questions on her face.

"Goodnight, Liz," I say, turning back and smiling as you quickly pull me pass her.

"'Night, Liz," you yell, your voice echoing through the emptying corridor.

"Liv, that was rude." I laugh.

You giggle, skipping ahead of me along the stairs. "I'm sure she'll understand."

"Yeah, I'm sure she will," I say, not pretending to be disgruntled with you. Why bother?

You just wag your brows suggestively, and open the car door.

I smile my thanks, and watch you hurry to slide into the driver's seat.

Keeping our gazes locked, you buckle your seatbelt. Then, with a wicked glint in your eyes, you start, "So…"

"Yeah?"

"You wanna stop anywhere before we head home?" You ask, your hand landing on my knee.

I swallow and shake my head when your caress drifts higher.

"You sure?"

"Yes, Liv." I bite my lip. "Take me home. Now."

1788 Here and Now

"Take me home, now." You demand, as I slide my hand slowly up your thigh.

"But I thought you might be hungry. Might want to go to dinner," I ask smiling at you, pretending to ignore the way you're biting your lip as my hand slides under the hem of your skirt.

"I'm not hungry." You say quickly.

"But you should eat," I say, with a grin on my face that I can't stop. I watch you start to open your mouth and I interrupt you. "I don't count."

"That's crude," you say, turning pink.

"You were going to say it."

"I was not," you deny, but I knew you were. You look down at my hand on your thigh and put your hand on top of it to stop it from snaking higher.

"What's wrong baby?" I lean over and breathe in your ear.

"Home," you whimper.

"When's the last time we've done something crazy?"

"What?" You ask, your eyes widening.

"Come on," I say pulling your hand.

"What the hell are you doing?" You ask, as you watch me unbuckle my seat belt.

"We're getting in the back seat."

"Oh no, we're not," you say, crossing your arms in front of your chest.

"Come on Allie, don't be such a prude."

"I am not a prude," you shout at me as you turn to watch me climb into the back seat. When I have your eyes, I kiss you full on the lips. I hear your whimper, and you don't complain when I reach for your seatbelt.

"Come on Allie." I whimper.

"I can't believe I'm doing this."

"That's my girl," I say, as you slide yourself between the bucket seats in the front and climb into my arms.

1789 CRAZY

"I can't believe you're talking me into this," I grumble as I we adjust ourselves in the back seat of the car. "Is this even going to work?" I ask while you slide until your back is against the window.

"You tell me. Haven't you…?" You raise your brow and split into a Cheshire cat grin.

"NO!" I yelp. Then, in between your kisses, in a softer voice, I add, "Well, yes, but… I don't know, it's different when we, in our own garage, and, up there?" I tip my head towards the front.

"What about the prom queen?"

"That was a limo, an entirely different situation. And we were skinnier." And younger, and crazier, and we didn't have an apartment of our own, my mind screams, while my body still tingles from your kisses. "Please, Liv…" I moan.

"I want you."

"What if Liz…"

"Just c'mere," you whisper, pulling me towards you, pushing my skirt up until I can comfortably straddle your thighs.

"We're so going to get caught," I gasp, my heart racing.

"We're not, Allie." You smile, your hands caressing my legs, your eyes sparkling into mine. "I promise."

For some reason, against all logic, I actually believe you.

"Love you, Allie," you mumble, your lips touching my cheek.

"You, too," I sigh, my eyes closing, ready to surrender to your whim. With my fingers in your hair, I reach for your kiss. God, I've missed you. Missed our intimacy, spontaneity, this, our passion…

You're right. When's the last time we've done something like this?

This is dangerous. Yet, it feels so good. So good to have your tongue, your hands on me, all over me… In public, my caution reminds.

Then you pull back, just enough to brush kissing along my throat. And I try to catch my breath.

"Allie?"

"Mmm?"

"Stop thinking."

"How'd you…" I start to ask, then I feel your fingers unlooping my buttons. "Oh," I gasp, my thoughts slipping away as you free my breasts from their confinements and take my flesh between your lips.

"Love you, Baby," I hear.

"You, t… Oh, God."

1790 Want

Your skirt is tight around your waist, your legs spread over mine. I watch, feeling myself get more turned on as I watch your thighs sliding over mine. You're so damn sexy. I love the way your weight feels on top of me. I love the way your body arches into me, hitting my knees.

You moan as I slide my hands up your body. I watch as you nervously eye the window. I smile. You're biting your lip, hard. I put my hand up to your face and move your chin so you're looking in my eyes. "Allie," I moan, as I can't help but chuckle.

"Hmm?" You say absently trying to turn your head and your eyes away from me.

My hands roam up your sides, and your eyes flutter closed. I want you to pay attention to me. Pay attention to this moment. "Alex?" I ask.

"Hmmm?"

"Stop it."

"Hmm?" You ask again, as though I had said nothing."

"Stop worrying."

"Oh." You say, biting harder. "But what if?"

"Allie," I mumble, opening your jacket and carefully slipping the buttons open on your blouse. I pull your bra over your breasts and take one of your nipples into my mouth. I pull on it gently.

Your eyes flutter closed again. "Baby," you whisper.

I kiss you, feeling your fingers snake up the back of my neck and run through my hair. Our tongues fight each other, pressing into each other while we steal each others air. I breathe your scent, and kiss your neck. Your hair tickles my face, as you arch your back.

You take my hand in yours and slip it between your legs.

You want me. I can tell. I smile at you.

"I thought you were worried about…" I whisper against your neck.

"Shut up and fuck me," You mumble, kissing my face.

I can feel the smirk cross my face before you see it though, I hide it. "Whatever you want, baby" I whisper, while I slide my fingers deep inside you.

1791 LETTING GO

Your tongue fills my mouth as your hands roam all over my body; you're determined to seduce me, and distract me…

And you're succeeding.

And you're so damn proud of yourself, I can tell.

I can feel your smile pulling at my nipple as you press me closer towards you. Until I'm up against the window. The window! We're… in public! Garage at work!

"Liv?" I breathe, my protest sounding more like a moan.

"I want you," you mumble, your teeth gently grazing my skin before you resume the firm circling of your tongue.

But the window, my boss…

Then I feel your hands sliding up the back of my underwear, covering and squeezing my flesh, wickedly applying pressure between my legs.

Oh, hell. I close my eyes, and pull your arm forward.

"Baby?"

"Just, fuck me," I demand hoarsely.

"You sure, sweetie?"

I can hear the smirk in your voice, and I don't care. "Just do it."

"Like this?" You ask, tracing the edges of my sex.

"Liv!" I groan, grabbing your shoulders for leverage until your fingers fill me, push into me the way I want, the way I need. "God…" I whimper, biting down on my lip.

"Love you, baby," I hear whispered against my ear.

I reply by squeezing my knees against your thighs, and arch into you, forcing you deeper into me…

1792 Press

"What do you want baby?" I moan in your ear.

You take my hand, the one that's not inside you and slide it up your body cupping your breast. I take the chance to roll your nipple between my fingers, watching you staring down our bodies at my fingers.

"Love you," you whisper. "Love you." You echo again.

"Love you too baby." I smile. "But that's not an answer."

"Hmm?" You ask me.

I love it when you're like this, when you let your body take over your brain. You're so into me, into this moment that you forget everything but the way I feel touching you.

I kiss you, watching you creating a rhythm against my fingers, against my hand which is soaked with your wetness, my fingers pressing inside you, filling you. "What do you want?" I ask you again as you rock yourself into me.

"Just…" You whisper, your thought turning into a moan. "Please," you moan.

I smile at you, and pull my hand away. "What Allie?" I ask you.

"Please," you moan again, finally letting your body control your mind as you slide yourself against me. I kiss your neck, but you catch my mouth and kiss me hard.

"What baby, you want me to stop?" I ask you, knowing full well that's exactly what you don't want me to do.

"No, no," you breathe heavily.

"What baby?"

"No, don't… stop..." you gasp, as I slide my thumb over you clit, pulling you closer to the edge.

Your moans are getting louder as you press into me harder, more frantically. To the point where I start to wonder exactly how loud you are from the outside. I kiss you.

"Allie…" I whisper.

"Don't stop," is your only response.

"I won't baby, but you've got to," you interrupt me with another moan. "Shhhh," I whisper, kissing you.

"Just… don't stop…" You moan.

"I won't baby," I whisper my promise. "I won't."

1793 SENSELESS

"Shhh…" I hear you whisper before taking my lips again.

God. Have I been screaming? I hope nobody… "God, Liv," I gasp, my thoughts interrupted, while you press in deeper, your thumb pushing, rubbing slow tight circles against me.

And I kiss you, filling my lungs with your breath, caring only about how my body feels with my nipple, my breast caught in your hand.

I arch against you, closer, deeper, rocking to the rhythm you're finally willing to set for me.

I know you're finally going to let me…

"Come on, Baby," you gasp, your breath ragged. Your fingers curl within me, fucking me, drawing another moan, another scream from me.

This time, I scream into your mouth, into our kiss.

I'm pretty sure I did, as my body tightens, and I hang on to you.

"Oh, god. Yes!" I love this feeling.

Love how you fill me, take me.

How you're tender and demanding at the same time.

"Liv, Liv…" I moan. "Love y…" I tell you, vaguely aware of my nails raking across your back as you push me further, push into me higher…

Pushing me up, up…

"Come on, Baby," you huff this time. "Come for me," you order.

"Oh, god… Liv…"

I collapse around you, on you, wanting nothing more than to keep it going, keep this feeling… "Love you, Liv."

You smile against my neck, and quickly send me to another level of high.

This time, I muffle my release against your shoulder…

1794 Caught Up

Your forehead is beaded with sweat by the time you slide into my neck, still pushing against my fingers. I smile and kiss your neck, feeling your body accepting my fingers and pressing into them.

"Love you, Liv," you gasp into me.

"Love you too, Allie." I smile.

You turn your head and push yourself up onto your forearms, giving me a gentle kiss on the lips. I slide my fingers out of you, while you moan your quiet protest.

"What baby?" I ask you with a kiss.

"Feels good," you sigh, as you catch stray hairs hanging next to your face and push them back behind your ear.

"It's supposed to feel good," I laugh.

You put your head on my shoulder. "I love you."

"Love you too," I smile at the top of your head. "Want to go home?"

You look at me for a second. "What do you mean?"

"Well, we were going to…"

"So what? What was all this?"

"I wanted you."

"Well, I want you."

"No, no way," I laugh. "Not in the backseat of the car."

"What?"

"I'm, no, Alex."

"That's… so you'll… so you'd let me do it but not you?"

"Exactly."

"Oh I don't think so," you say with a devious smile, taking my hands and pushing them together.

"Oh, I do Alex." I say, pulling my hands apart. "I'm stronger and I say no."

"I'm smarter, and I say yes." You smile as I hear the click of my handcuffs and feel the cold metal tightening around my wrists.

1795 CAUGHT

"Allie!" You whine, pulling at your restraints. Suddenly, you don't look so smug anymore.

I slide down against you, pressing my still very aroused body tightly against you, and I hear you echo my moan. And I kiss you warmly on your lips.

You're still pulling at your handcuffs when we part for air, but your struggle seems more in reflex than protest. "Allie…" You whimper. "Let me…"

"Do you really want me to let you go?" I purr next to your ear, my hands reaching to cup your breasts, to cradle and caress your flesh. "Mmm?"

"That's not…"

"Fair?" I finish for you, leaning into you. "Oh, it's very fair."

"Alex… What if we," you gasp, closing your eyes. "What if we get caught."

"We're not."

"How can you…?"

"You know, the longer we talk, the more likely we will get caught." I smile, and reach for your belt. My smile widens when you don't complain. "That's my girl," I mimic, and kiss you again on your mouth.

This time, you kiss me back hungrily. I know you can't refuse me.

And when I pull away this time, you let out a whiney protest. I smile and hold your eyes, while in a neat quick motion, I pull up your shirt and push down your bra. Sliding off your legs, I sit on the edge of the seat.

"Sweetie…" You whimper when I take you into my mouth.

"Mmm…" I moan with you, my hand slipping between your legs, pressing against the front of your jeans, pushing along your fly.

Flexing your muscles, you try to push against me. You try to force your body towards my hand. "Please… Baby…"

"You want me to stop?" I ask you the same question you asked me just a few minutes ago, and you groan, shaking your head wildly.

I love having you like this, caught under my spell. "My big bad detective," I tease. "Turning into a puddle?"

1796 Harder

You taunt me, calling me your detective, telling me that I'm melting for you. I can feel my anger starting to rise, your taunts irritating my ego, because both of us know the truth.

"I'm not," I deny, but we both know I am. We both know that I'm your puppy dog and I'd follow you anywhere, especially when you're hovering above me so I can see down your shirt and you're trying to touch me, making me moan.

"Really?" You laugh. "You could've fooled…"

"Baby," I plead with my eyes while you try to slide your hand into my pants. You pull my hips forward, to the edge of the seat, and pull at the waist of my pants. For my part, I arch my hips helping you slide the pants down my thighs.

You straddle my thighs again, and smile, leaning back against my knees and just looking at me.

You're going to drive me insane and I'm starting to think that's exactly what you want.

"Let me go?" I ask you, putting the cuffs between us.

"No." you whisper, letting me rest the small chain that holds my hands together on your finger.

"But Alex." I whine at you.

"No," you say again. "You're mine."

"But Alex," I try to complain again; only this time, you let my hands drop and slide your hand across my abdomen. "I," I try to speak.

"What baby?" You laugh at me, the same way I was laughing at you.

God damn it.

You lean in and kiss me, at the same time you slide your hand into my pants and a finger, then two slip inside me.

"God baby," I moan.

"Shhh," you whisper with that damn smile on your face.

I bite my lip while you press yourself against me, into me.

My head falls back against the back of the seat. My eyes close as you press into me harder

1797 TAKEN

"I love you," I whisper as my fingers find your wetness.

Sighing, your brows knitted in concentration, you push forward, welcoming and pulling me into you.

I love it when you're like this. When you surrender your control to me, like this, it's always some big ego thing you have to let go.

Is it really so hard? I wonder. "Love you," I whisper again before taking your breast into my mouth, hugging you with my lips, my tongue.

And you try to reach up, to wind your fingers in my hair. That's one draw back about handcuffing you, I suppose…

But this is so much more fun, I decide, as I tease you in slow circles and thrusts, drawing out your arousal.

"Please, baby," you plead, your voice breathy and high.

I let go of your breast with a soft pop, and kiss up your neck. And a sudden wave of clinginess overcomes me… Instead of taunting you, like I'm sure you expect, I say your name, "Liv?"

"Mmm?"

When I don't reply, you open your eyes and raise your head. "What's wrong, baby?" You ask.

I can see your brain desperately trying to focus, warring between concern for me and your body's release. Somehow, that makes me smile. "Nothing," I whisper, kissing you. "But tell me…"

"Yeah?"

"Are you mine?"

"Yeah?" You whimper. "Allie?"

"Forever?" Even if and when I die?

"Yes, baby?"

I know it's not fair of me to do that; I certainly wouldn't be able to hold you to your promise if I die. But right now, that's good enough. I'm not sure I can handle the thought of someone else touching you like this, or you loving someone else the same way you love me…

"Promise?" I ask, my lips grazing your skin, my fingers pushing in deeper, my thumb massaging your clit.

"Mmhmm…" You moan, your eyes fluttering closed again.

"Good," I smile and capture your mouth once more…

1798 Ready

I give the promise without hesitation. In a moment of passion, I would promise you the moon if I thought it was what you wanted.

It's not until I come down from the high, till you rest yourself against me, and let me wrap my arms around you that I realize what you made me promise.

"Allie?" I ask quietly.

"Hmm," You whisper, your head on my shoulder, still giving me gentle kisses on my neck.

"What are you thinking?" I ask, leaning my head against yours.

"Nothing," You smile and breathe against my neck. I know you're lying, but I squeeze you tight for a second and then speak.

"You're always thinking something," I smile, nudging your head off my shoulder forcing you to look into my eyes.

"I'm not," You deny, but don't look me in the eyes.

"What?" I ask you.

"I'm thinking something sad."

"What?" I ask you again, this time softer, putting my finger under your chin and making you look into my eyes.

"I'm thinking about what happens…how many more moments like this we'll have?"

"What, fucking in the back of the car? We can do this every morning if you want." I offer trying to get you to smile, which you do briefly.

"That's not what I mean." You say, turning serious again.

"I thought we agreed to not worry about the future."

"We, we're not. I'm just…"

"Scared." I finish for you.

"Yeah."

"Me too," I whisper. "But I'm going to be here for you. Wait and see."

1799 NEEDY

After I undo your cuffs, you press another kiss to my head, before releasing me from your embrace. Instantly, I feel the distance between us, but I don't protest. As if reading my mind, you smile and explain, pulling on your pants in the process, "Think we should make ourselves presentable."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." I smile back, and begin to button my blouse. Despite myself, a small sigh escaped.

"Sweetie?" You ask, tipping my chin so once more so I have to meet your eyes.

"I'm… It's really nothing," I try to tell you. "We should get out of here."

"Not until I find out what's wrong."

"You know what's wrong."

"I'll be there, I promise. Every step of the way. Trust me."

"I do."

"I'm not gonna let you go without a fight."

"I know."

"Then let's not worry… not until we have to."

"It's not that, not exactly," I finally admit.

"Then what exactly?"

"I just can't… I don't, I don't want to lose you."

You take my hand and press it to your heart, and pull me back into your arms. "You're not going to lose me," you say, kissing my head again.

"But if…" I sniff, and push myself tighter into your embrace. The clingy needy feeling from before coming back as if it's never left.

"You made me promise."

"I wasn't being fair…"

"No, you weren't."

I pull back, not quite expecting you to agree with me so readily…

1800 There

"But," you say, "I wasn't being fair." You're shy, staring down between us instead of into my eyes where I want you to look.

"No you weren't," I agree, but without missing a beat, I smile at you and push your chin back up making you look into my eyes. "And I agreed."

"Yeah," you smile shyly.

"Exactly," I smile.

"Yeah, but I could never hold you to it. I mean, if I get sick and, and you want to go."

"I want to be held." I say, not letting you finish.

"But Liv, it's not fair. And you're still young, and vital."

"It may not be fair, but it's a commitment I want to make. I'm yours. I'll always be yours."

"And if I'm gone."'

"I'm not going to entertain that yet, because you're right here with me. And this might all be something that's not even relevant. You could be fine."

"Fine. Even if this all ends up okay? One day things might change. One day I might not be."

"And like you pointed out, I might not be too. Do you want to dwell on that?"

"No," you pout, and cross your arms.

"Well then. Baby, I love you." I kiss your nose, and start rebuttoning your shirt. You watch my fingers, and smile at me.

"I love you too. I'm sorry I'm being…"

"I think you're being normal. I'm the one who's sorry. I'm sorry it took me so long… took me so long to be able to be there for you." I say, trying not to avoid your eyes.

"It's… I'm glad you're back."

To Be Continued

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