DISCLAIMER: D.E.B.S. and all characters are the property of Angela Robinson and Screen Gems.
SPOILERS: Film Spoilers are included. Also you really need to have seen the film if you don't want to be confused as this story starts about halfway through it.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

Hell Hath No Fury
By Ruby


"Ow!" Lucy stopped what she was doing and looked down.

"Sorry!" Amy replied mortified.

"Did you just snap my bra?" Lucy asked incredulously.


"Yeah, you did! That hasn't happened to me since sixth grade."

"I was trying to be smooth."

"Oh yeah?" Lucy reached over, a grin appeared on her face as she saw Amy's eyes go wide. Reaching round the blond she found her bra strap and snapped it.

"Ow! you are so dead!" Amy flipped the brunette over her and a wrestling match ensued. The D.E.B., realizing that Lucy was actually stronger than her and likely to win, scrabbled with her hands for some leverage and inadvertently hit a button hidden in the headboard.

"Say Mercy!" Lucy said finally sitting on top of the blond.

"No" Amy laughed

"Say Mercy!"

"No... what's that?"


"Behind you."

"You don't really think I'm gonna fall for that?" Lucy laughed.

"I'm being serious... it looks like a holographic display screen."

"What..." Lucy looked over her shoulder and saw that she was telling the truth, "didn't I tell you in the car not to push buttons!"

"I didn't! can I help it if nothing around here is just normal!" Lucy reached over her and felt around under the pillow to switch it off. "Wait, where's that feed coming from I can see Bobby and the D.E.B.S."

The brunette turned quickly, "They're heading this way... Dammit how did they get through the security system?" Lucy found the button and quickly turned the display screen off.

"Where are those handcuffs I bought you?"

"Amy, this is no time to get kinky!"

The blond looked momentarily in shock before saying, "They'll be here any second and I'd better have a damned good reason for not being able to go home! Now cuff me to something!"

"Oh... right..." exactly 7 seconds later Amy found herself quite convincingly manacled to the bed.

"I didn't mean... where did you... no I really don't want to know" Amy finally decided, "You'd better go they'll..." she broke off as the door opened and Lucy dove under the bed.

"Are you ok?" Max asked glancing around the room before rushing to the bed.

"I will be when you've got these off."

"Damn, where's the... Bobby you'd better get these locks"

Lucy, realizing she still had the key in her hand threw it towards what she thought were Janet's feet. The D.E.B., slightly startled, bent down to pick it up and noticed an arm retreating back under the bed. "Here's the key" she said brightly.

"Great!" Max said as Janet handed it to her. Undoing the final manacle around her left ankle the ex-squad leader helped Amy to her feet. "You sure you're ok, she didn't..." the girl looked at the bed pointedly.

"No" Amy reassured her, "for a supervillain she was... a perfect gentleman."

"For a perfect gentleman she's not very tidy... couldn't she have made the bed before she tied you to it?" Janet inquired as Amy scowled at her.

"It does look rather... rumpled" Dominique added putting down her weapon and lighting a cigarette.

"Let's go" Amy said praying she hadn't gone red.

"Wait a minute" Max looked puzzled, "we've already taken out Lucy Diamond's guards, this is the perfect time to capture her."

"She's not here" Amy said quickly, "She said she... had a meet... with someone who would get me to talk... I really think..." Amy had been walking towards Bobby and now she fainted at his feet correctly predicting that he would be gentleman enough to catch her.

"We need to get her out of here" he said, "Lucy Diamond can wait."

"SCUD!" Lucy strode towards the loading bay when she was sure she was alone. "SCUD! How in the hell did..." she surveyed her men still out cold on the floor, Scud was not among them. Getting up close to the nearest she realized she could smell something... chloroform? not a usual D.E.B.S. tactic, and where was her right-hand man? Spying a wooden box on the floor she walked over, it didn't appear to be locked which immediately aroused her suspicions. Making a loop in some thread she carefully hooked it over the catch and walked away holding the other end. Lifting the thread as high as she could, she pulled, expecting an explosion as the lid opened. Instead she heard the tinny high-pitched sound of 'swan lake' played badly. Frowning she walked back to the box and discovered a ballerina merrily twirling to the tune and a cell phone. Flipping open the cell she saw that someone had thoughtfully left her a picture of her unconscious henchman,"Ninotchka!... I'll get you for this!" she vowed.

Amy was beginning to wish she had fainted, her head was aching badly and she really thought unconsciousness looked attractive at the moment. Mrs. Peatree had been at the house when they got back and was gloating that one of her agents had faced Lucy Diamond not once but twice, and even been kidnapped and tortured by her and was still alive to tell the tale. "Amber..."

"Amy" Madeline corrected.

"Amy, I was right you do have a special bond with Lucy Diamond..." Janet snorted and the blond scowled at her. Fortunately Mrs. Peatree didn't hear her and continued, "You must tell us everything that happened, everything she said, every move she made down to the smallest detail."

"Umm... well... you see, I was unconscious most of the time... when she realized she wasn't going to get anything out of me she drugged me and tied me up. Today she was going to meet someone who she said would make me talk... Mrs. Peatree, I'm sorry but I really can't tell you anything."

"Hmm... well nevermind... it appears for the moment that we have the advantage... for some reason Lucy Diamond can't or won't kill you, which is too bad for her... she'll turn up again, and when she does Ali..."

"Amy" Madeline reminded.

"Amy... you'll be there to take her out."

"You do realize..." Janet said sitting on Amy's bed, "when Mrs. Peatree said you were to take Lucy out... she didn't mean on a date."

"Funny..." Amy frowned "how did you find us anyway?"

"I don't know, Max said we had a lead and apparently it was a good one... you know you REALLY should check your messages! I've been calling you for days... if they EVER find out they had the entire secret service out looking for an agent playing hooky with her girlfriend, a girlfriend who happens to be at the top of all the most wanted lists, you are so dead!"

Amy groaned and covered her head with her pillow, "shdbfugshfihsif..." Janet grabbed the pillow and pulled ."..and she understands me."

"Are you sure she's not playing you?"

"Yes... I think... she wouldn't do that... would she?"

"Well Scud doesn't seem to think so" Janet admitted, "but..."

"Wait... you're having a go at me when you're still talking to Scud?"

"Hello, slightly further down the wanted lists I think you'll find, even though he's the one with the brains and Lucy just strides around attempting to look butch despite the long hair!"

"She does not!"

"She does too!"

"She does not!"

"Does too!"

"Does not!"

"Does what?" a voice asked from the window.

Janet shrieked and Amy quickly clamped a hand over her mouth. "Are you nuts!" the blond asked watching Lucy as she climbed all the way in.

"Probably" Lucy said grinning, "but I need your help, Scud's in danger."

Janet pulled Amy's hand away and looked at Lucy's clothes "I think my case has been made... What do you mean Scud's in danger?"

"Remember the date you crashed... Ninotchka the psycho assassin?" Amy nodded, "Well apart from blaming Scud for setting it up in the first place, I think she's kidnapped him to trap me."

"Why is it always about you?" Janet asked annoyed, "She might have kidnapped Scud for himself."

"She might have, but believe me she's not into boys, if she was just angry she'd have shot him on the spot and if she wanted to torture him, why let me know she had him?"

"Okaay... point taken, where's she holding him?"

"I don't know yet, I wanted to make sure that you knew what was going on," she looked pointedly at Janet, "You wouldn't want me taken out of the picture before I could get to him..."

"You don't need to threaten me, I could have told Max you were under the bed when we interrupted your... bonding session" Janet said petulantly.

"Have you forgotten who you're talking to?" Lucy scowled and moved menacingly towards her.

"No... Scud told me all about the bunny rabbit slippers!"

Lucy looked thunderstruck, "I'll... I'll..."

Amy tried not to laugh, "Okay, this is not solving anything and you really have to leave..." she said looking at Lucy longingly, "we'll try to find out where he's being held, but as you're still our number one case, if you find him first we won't be far behind." Lucy opened her mouth to say something, then scowled at Janet again, turned and left.

Getting back to the lair Lucy grabbed a bottle and heaved it to her lips just as the cell phone in the music box rang. Running over she grabbed it, unsurprised to hear Ninotchka's voice on the other end.

"What have you done with Scud?" Lucy demanded.

"He is fine, we have good time together."

"I want him back... alive... in one piece... now," she said through gritted teeth.

"Sure... no problem... well actually, one problem... I don't deliver... you want him, come get him... I send you map." The line went dead and shortly after the cell beeped as a photo came through. Downloading it to her computer Lucy enhanced the image and discovered that Scud was being held in an abandoned theater on the other side of town. Debating whether to tell Amy, she remembered what the blond had said and prayed that she was right. She checked her gun, thought for a moment and then strapped another to her ankle. Ninotchka was an assassin, the fact that she was still alive meant that she was good, she was also psychotic and extremely pissed, Lucy wasn't taking any chances.

"What's up?" a sleepy Amy asked after being woken by Max.

"Lucy Diamond is on the move, she's been spotted near the old abandoned theater and so has that Russian, time to go."

Quickly getting dressed, the D.E.B.S. headed out, pulling up Amy saw Lucy's car and prayed she was still alive, "Ok, formation kappa kappa gamma."

"Because it worked SO well last time!" Max said.

"I am still you senior officer" Amy replied, "and..."

"Listen, I'm all for taking orders, but she has been ahead of us every step of the way and we don't know what's in there. In the last five days I've had about three hours sleep, and today is NOT a good day to die!"

Amy looked at her, "you and Dominique take the front, Janet and I will take the back... just wait until my signal!"

Lucy in the meantime had located Scud. He was tied to a seat in the middle of the front row, there was a projector set up in one of the rows behind him that was projecting onto the back wall of the stage. He appeared to be watching Ninotchka dancing on an endless roll of film. Lucy had seen a few seconds while she had been getting to her current position, she had to admit, as a form of torture it was both cruel and unusual. Scanning the auditorium she could not see the Russian, but she could feel eyes on her, she was here and she was watching. Suddenly she could hear music, loud music, that seemed to come from everywhere at once, momentarily disoriented she caught movement to her left and fired... the rat fell dead silently as Lucy dove between the rows. Clearly Ninotchka wanted to play games... well that was fine with her.

When they reached the back of the theater Amy stopped and turned to Janet, "We've got to stop Max and Dominique from hurting Lucy."

"Well you're the senior officer, what do you suggest... you know if I do anything to jeopardize this Max will never give me my stripes!"

"Scud's in there too remember..."

"I know" Janet looked worried, .".. but what can we do?"

"I don't know, but I am getting Lucy and Scud out of there alive, are you with me or not?"

Janet pursed her lips and looked pained, "Yes" she said finally, "but we are so busted if anything goes wrong!"

Breaking through the doors they found themselves in a loading bay that currently housed scenery odds and ends, reaching another door and peering cautiously out they found steps leading up and a corridor leading to the right. Hearing gunfire echo above them Amy made a decision, "Go that way" she said pointing to the corridor, "try and get to the front of the theater and block the doors on your way back, it will slow Max down a bit, no communication understand... I'm going to the auditorium."

Janet nodded and moved cautiously down the corridor, Amy watched until she turned the corner and then took a deep breath and started climbing. Reaching the top she discovered she had two choices, the dressing rooms and back of the stage or the fire exit to the auditorium. Another shot went off and she decided to try the back of the stage first.

Lucy was getting irritated, she was used to setting traps not avoiding them, she had wasted a lot of time and bullets getting this far and she wasn't anywhere near Scud yet. Poking her head up above the seats she saw the top of the seat next to her now had a bullet hole in it, this didn't make sense, surely the Russian was a good enough shot to hit her, and if she was missing on purpose, why? Standing up she made it three more rows forward before a bullet ricocheted off the seat in front of her and forced her to the floor. Getting to her feet yet again she gritted her teeth and ran forward.

"Lucy look out" Amy yelled from the side of the stage, pointing above the brunette's head. She ran forward quickly and jumped off the stage, hit the floor and stayed down as a burst of gunfire echoed from above. Lucy glanced up and dove out of the way as a chandelier crashed to the floor mere inches behind her. Standing, Amy tried to see if Lucy was hurt and catching movement above fired repeatedly into the dress circle. Seeing her love get to her knees, she went to check on Scud and quickly had him untied.

"Oh, my God! She is going to kill me!" he said removing the gag.

"Well, maybe just a little bit" Lucy said appearing by his side and giving him a hug.

"Thanks" he said to Amy.

She smiled "Janet would have never forgiven me."

"Car's out front" Lucy handed him the keys, "watch out for more D.E.B.S., and don't leave without me."

"You're staying?"

"I've got a psychotic dancer to stop" she replied. The two girls watched him leave, "Hi" Lucy said turning and kissing the blond.

"Hi... so I guess this is where I read you your rights."

Lucy grinned, "You can cuff me all you want, later... we still have a rogue assassin to deal with."

Amy sighed and pointed to the nearest exit, "You go this way," she pointed across the auditorium to the other side of the stage, "I'll go that way, and you watch out for the other D.E.B.S. too!" Watching Lucy disappear through the door, the blond sighed again and started across the room.

"Very touching" Ninotchka said from the back of the auditorium. The Russian moved forward and Amy could see that she was holding a gun to Janet's head. "Drop your weapon."

The D.E.B. complied, "what is your problem?"

"You think because I am assassin I have problem?"

"No I was thinking more of kidnapping and holding guns to people's heads, but now that you mention it..."

"You know what it is like to be dumped?... no of course not, you are the one to do the dumping."

"Ninotchka you weren't dumped... you went out to dinner, you didn't even make it through the starter..."

"And who's fault was that, dropping bracelets from the sky!"

"It was mine, so let Janet go!"

Ninotchka regarded the D.E.B. she was holding on to dispassionately, "very well" she said bringing the butt of her gun down on the back of Janet's head and ducking while Amy grabbed her gun and fired until it hit empty before running for the door.

"Stop" Ninotchka said pointing her gun at Amy's back and walking towards her. The blond, knowing that she wouldn't make it, again complied.

Lucy, watching from the wings and seeing that her love was out of ammo and options, found that her legs had propelled her onto the stage before her brain could argue against the wisdom of such a choice. "NINOTCHKA!"

The Russian turned, giving the blond enough time to slip through the door at the side of the stage.

"So, you really are in love with a D.E.B.!"

"Yes, I really am!" Lucy replied firing and hearing her gun click.

"Oh dear, you appear to be out."

"Why are you doing this?"

"You think it's easy... meeting people in my line of work?"

"It's not easy for any of us." Lucy replied dropping her weapon.

"And then who do I meet... you... and you lie... badly... and you blow me off... and why?"

"It wasn't you... I just... I wasn't ready..."

"You were ready for the perfect score."

"It was chemistry... I had no control over it."

"Here's something else you have no control over" the Russian said raising her gun.

Flinging both hands in the air Lucy jumped to her left, tucking herself up to grab the gun at her ankle she fired as she rolled to the other side of the stage, stood and fired the final bullet at the place she had last seen Ninotchka.

Hearing clapping she looked to her right, "Nice try, but you would never make a cossack... this is I think, game over," Lucy closed her eyes.

Suddenly the ground gave way beneath her and she felt herself falling, bracing herself for the landing she was surprised that it was soft, coughing at all the dust she had stirred up, she found herself in a basket full of old costumes. Looking up she saw that the hole she had fallen through was perfectly square, which wasn't possible unless... hearing a noise she raised her empty gun, "good job you got to this side of the stage" Amy said smiling, "if I'd had to use that one you'd have ended up a shish kebab" she continued, pointing at the large collection of stage swords and pikes underneath the other trap door.

Lucy laughed as she climbed out of the basket, "I really thought that was it... we'd better move, she's still up there."

Never was Amy so glad to hear the sound of heavy weaponry, Dominique and Max had finally reached the auditorium and clearly the Russian, if she was still alive, now had other things to worry about. "Let's get you out of here, Scud should be at the car by now."

They reached the stage door all too quickly. "Come with me?"

"I can't... you know I can't... I've got to make sure Janet's ok."

"She's fine, you probably saved her life" Lucy said raising her gun, "besides what makes you think you have a choice?"

"That's empty" the blond pointed out.

Lucy grinned, "please... I promise I'll let you escape tomorrow" she whispered as she reached over and brought Amy's lips to her own, "and next time Scud can kidnap Janet."

The three remaining D.E.B.S. having scoured the building walked to the front of the theater.

"Her car's gone..." Max said resignedly.

"And so is Amy" Dominique said pointing at a school tie left in the mud.

"Not again!" Janet sighed, holding her head.

The End

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