DISCLAIMER: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and its characters are the property of NBC and Dick Wolf.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ahoy, Mateys! Talk Like a Pirate Day is September 19. As always, I'd love to hear your feedback.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
FEEDBACK: To sunsetwriter[at]mindspring.com
SERIES: Part of the Holiday Shorts series.
Holiday Short Talk Like a Pirate Day
"Hey, Alex," Olivia greeted the ADA as the call connected. "Any luck on our search warrant?"
"Oh, hi, Olivia," Alex responded, slightly out of breath. "I should have the warrant in my hands by late afternoon." Olivia could hear traffic and crowd noise in the background.
"Good. Thanks. Did I catch you at a bad time?"
"No, I just had to run out for an errand and I'm having a harder time than I thought finding what I need. I have a thing to attend tonight, so I may need you to come by my office to pick up the warrant," Alex responded, and Olivia had now surmised that she was walking down a busy sidewalk.
"No problem." Olivia hesitated a moment. "You sound a little frazzled. Anything I can help you with?"
"Not unless you know where to find fishnets and thigh-high leather boots that cost less than eight-hundred dollars."
Olivia dropped her pen. "Uh "
Alex chuckled. "I got coerced into going to a charity function tonight."
Olivia recovered her voice as she picked up her pen, but she couldn't help the skeptical tone of her question. "What kind of charity requires thigh-high boots?"
Another chuckle. "It's to raise money and awareness for the Hudson River Dredging Project taking place upstate to remove PCBs from the river."
Olivia nodded. Oh. "So you're really looking for hip-waders and actual fish nets?"
Alex laughed. "No, I'm really looking for fishnet stockings and thigh-high leather boots to go with a pirate-wench costume."
"Pirates, as in 'Aaarr, Matey'?" Olivia said in her best pirate imitation.
Another laugh from Alex. "So, I see you've heard of 'Talk Like a Pirate Day'. That's the theme of the benefit. But the costume I hurriedly ordered online last week didn't include the stockings or the boots that were shown in the picture," Alex said with a huff. "I guess that will teach me to always read the fine print."
Olivia tried to ignore the vision taking shape in her mind of Alex dressed as a pirate-wench. She gave her head a brief shake to clear her mind, thankful that Alex couldn't see her. "So, if you're the wench, who's lucky the pirate?" she asked, hoping she sounded merely curious rather than just plain nosy.
"An old friend from law school. And he'll only be lucky if I don't kill him for getting me into this." Olivia heard a change in the background noise as Alex obviously entered a store. "OK, I'm in store number five, wish me luck."
"Done. But, if they're too expensive, you could always pillage and plunder," Olivia said.
"Very funny. Maybe you should go to this thing instead of me."
Olivia smiled. "I think I'd rather walk the plank. But, how about if I stop by your office around five to pick up the warrant?"
"See you then," Alex said with another chuckle as she disconnected the call.
At five minutes after five, Olivia knocked on the office door of ADA Cabot. She heard a muffled, "Come in," and cracked the door open.
"Yo, ho, ho," the detective said as she poked her head in and peered around to see no sign of Alex.
As she pushed the door fully open and stepped inside, she heard Alex's voice coming from the small bathroom in the back corner of the office. "That had better mean you brought a bottle of rum."
"I-" Olivia's voice caught in her throat as the ADA emerged from the bathroom and basically struck a pose, one hand on her hip. She was apparently expecting Olivia to render an opinion of her costume. As the detective's chin literally dropped and she stood gaping, a smirk began to form on Alex's face.
Olivia finally remembered to breathe again while saying quietly, "Shiver me timbers "
Alex laughed. "Thank you. I think."
Olivia nodded. Since it seemed to be expected, she openly appraised Alex in all her costumed glory. She started at her head, which was covered in a black headscarf with a skull and crossbones emblazoned on the front. Her eyes continued their journey down to a red, off-the-shoulders, low-cut, mini-dress with a short, ruffled skirt, and cut-out, lace-up sleeves. The dress was topped with a black, lace-up waist corset. Her eyes then traveled to legs that were indeed covered in fishnet stockings, and finally to her feet which were clad in high-heeled, black leather boots. To finish off the pirate look, she held a small plastic sword in one hand.
"I see you found some boots," was all Olivia could manage to say, as her mouth seemed impossibly dry.
Alex continued to smirk. "They're not thigh-highs, but I thought they'd do in a pinch."
Dragging her eyes back up to Alex's face, and noticing the obvious smirk, Olivia cleared her throat. "I'd say so."
Trying not to show her amusement at the detective's reaction, Alex walked over to her desk and traded the sword for a folded, blue document. She handed it to Olivia. "Here's your warrant."
"Thanks." The detective took the warrant, but couldn't seem to pull her eyes away from Alex's costume.
Alex then picked up the sword again, along with a small, black, drawstring bag with 'Pirate Booty $' stamped on the front and walked over to her coat rack. Plucking a trench coat from the rack, she handed her pirate accessories to Olivia. "Do you mind?"
Olivia held the toy sword and bag for Alex as she slipped the coat on and tied the belt around her waist. She slid the scarf from her head and tucked it in a pocket. All that remained visible of the costume was the boots. She grinned at Olivia. "After seeing your reaction, I don't think I want to walk down the halls here, dressed like this."
Olivia nodded and smiled. "Probably wise." With the costume covered, Olivia seemed to regain her ability to speak. "Well, thanks for the warrant."
"You're welcome," Alex said as she moved to open the door.
"Don't forget these," Olivia said, handing the accessories back to Alex. Her equilibrium restored, she couldn't help but tease her a little as she eyed the little black bag. "Your pirate may want your booty later."
Alex rolled her eyes. "Jonathan's gay. The only booty he'll be interested in will most likely be attached to someone bearing a resemblance to Captain Jack Sparrow."
Olivia's chin dropped for the second time that day. "You're dating a gay pirate?"
"I'm not dating him. He's an old friend and he needed a 'beard' for the evening." Seeing the smile forming on Olivia's face, she quickly added, "And if you crack a Blackbeard joke, I'll poke you with my sword." She brandished the plastic sword to accentuate her words.
Olivia stifled her smile. "So, if it's a costume party, why not just take Captain Jack with him in the first place?"
"His boss bought his whole office staff tickets for this thing and he was expected to bring a date. Since he's still deeply in the closet, he begged me to be his wench for the evening." Alex shrugged and added, "And since he attended the department Christmas party with me last year, I owed him the favor."
Olivia gave her a curious look as she processed that bit of information. "So " Alex smiled as she saw the light dawn and Olivia's eyes widen slightly. "Well, that's just too bad."
"What is?" Alex asked, her own curiosity piqued at Olivia's reaction.
"You went to all that trouble to come up with that amazing costume, and no booty call for you either."
Alex's smile turned into a grin. "Well you have my number," she said with a wink. "But this time, bring the rum." Then she turned and left the detective standing in the door to her office.
As Olivia's brain finally caught up with what just happened, she smiled and followed Alex's path down the hall, whistling as she walked. She laughed out loud when she realized the tune she was whistling - It's a Pirate's Life for Me.
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