DISCLAIMER: Rookie Blue and its characters are the property of Morwyn Brebner, Tassie Cameron, Ellen Vanstone and Global. No infringement is intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Season 5 Ep 7 was so depressing I had to write something- Just a ficlet that might grow if it is popular enough.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
FEEDBACK: To devildog4070[at]gmail.com
SPOILERS: Season 5 episode 3-7
Honesty Will Get You Everywhere
Gail hesitated in front of the doorway. She fidgeted for a moment before finally raising her hand to rap on the door. Taking a deep breath she strained to hear signs that the occupant was home. She briefly closed her eyes offering a silent prayer to a higher power that she wasn't even sure she believed in "please let Holly be home and alone".
As Gail opened her eyes to focus on the door she felt her disappointment growing. Holly wasn't home. She turned to leave and nearly collided with Holly. She stepped back in surprise. Holly eyed her uncertainly.
"Don't worry, this isn't turning into a stalker thing. I promise," Gail said raising her hands with a smile. The smile faltered and her hands slowly lowered as Holly seemed less than impressed with her joke.
"Gail, what are you doing here?"
"Holly, please." Gail faltered for a minute unable to hold Holly's stare. "I know I screwed up. I know I should have talked to you when you called after that night in the bar. I should have come over here. I should have done something, anything " Gail's voice trailed off as she searched Holly's face for some sign that her words were making a dent.
"I know we are over." She paused as Holly flinched at her words. "I know we are over," she said more gently. "But, I miss you as my friend. Please talk to me. Tell me what I have to do for us to be friends again?"
Holly stared at Gail for a moment before shaking her head sadly and moving around the blonde woman. Gail felt her heart squeezing painfully in her chest as tears welled up unexpectedly. She was about to bolt when she heard Holly's voice from behind her, "Come in."
Gail felt an overwhelming relief so powerful she nearly stumbled as she turned to follow Holly into the house. She turned her back on Holly after entering, using the brief moment of privacy closing the front door allowed to stealthily wipe away the few tears that had fallen. She fought down the immediate stab of anger she felt as she realized how vulnerable she was around Holly. She took a breath settling down before turning back into the house. Holly had disappeared into the interior.
Gail walked past the kitchen and into the living room. There was still no sign of Holly. Gail looked up the stairs but hesitated. Gail paced back into the living room taking laps around the furniture as her fingers absently trailed across the leather backs. The nerves were beginning to set in and she jumped slightly as Holly's voice broke the silence.
"I needed to change," she stated as she waived to her t-shirt and sweats.
Gail stopped pacing as she acknowledged Holly's words with a nod. The two women stood staring at each other uncertainly. Holly finally broke the silence. "I am going to make myself a drink, would you like one?"
Gail nodded. She followed Holly into the kitchen. As she watched Holly move about Gail realized just this simple moment made her happier than she had been in weeks. The realization caused a wave of overwhelming sadness to suddenly descend on Gail. She reached out to the counter leaning on it slightly to steady herself. Holly placed a drink on the counter in front of Gail. As Holly's eyes locked onto Gail her neutral expression changed to one of concern.
"What?" Holly questioned gently as her hand settled over Gail's resting on the counter. Gail's gaze locked onto their hands as she felt the familiar warmth on her skin. Her heart squeezed painfully again. She quickly withdrew her hand from Holly's as her other one reached out to snag the drink from the counter. Gail turned back toward the living room as she gripped the glass with both hands taking a big gulp of the amber liquid to settle her nerves. She tightened her grasp on the glass as she noticed it shaking slightly in her trembling hands. She spun dropping heavily onto the couch as she placed the glass on the coffee table. She wiped her hands on her jeans before lacing her fingers together and leaning forward resting her elbows on her thighs. She stared at the carpet watching Holly's feet walk around the chair facing her before turning as Holly sat.
Gail steeled herself before raising her eyes to meet Holly's. "I'm sorry." Gail shook her head slightly looking down at her hands briefly before returning her attention to Holly. "I created an emergency situation to get out of the tree," Gail said cringing at the cryptic justification as she looked away. She was relieved when Holly seemed to understand her cryptic statement.
"What I don't understand is what you felt the need to escape from," Holly replied quietly.
Gail returned her gaze to Holly. "When I heard your friend reciting every reason why I wasn't good enough for you I realized she was saying the same thing I had been thinking. You are " Gail stumbled correcting herself "were out of my league. You are this wonderful, funny, amazing person. I'm..I'm." Gail stopped. "It was like I was waiting for you to see you had made a mistake."
"I don't understand. You made an assumption without bothering to talk to me, an assumption about me! I can't even figure out why you would think so little of yourself or believe that I would." Holly stopped caught off guard by the flash of anger.
Gail was startled by the slight edge to Holly's voice betraying her upset. Gail could not recall the doctor uttering an angry word in the time she had known her. She struggled to answer Holly's question. Emotional honesty had never been one of Gail's strengths. It had always been a liability in her family and her relationships. Well if she was honest her relationships never really seemed to get past the surface, something that she had not realized until she met Holly.
"Holly," Gail paused as she searched for the right words. "I have never had a lot of success at relationships. I've always considered it my fault. Not warm enough, not funny enough, not caring enough." Gail stopped with a shrug.
"I know I am loyal. I don't betray my friends, my lovers, my family. I realized I have never really expected much except for that loyalty to be returned. But in every relationship I was betrayed. They either walked away without an explanation or cheated on me, sometimes without even bothering to break up first as if I was just a place holder until someone else better came along." Gail leaned back resting her head on the couch and closing her eyes unwilling to watch Holly's reaction to her words.
"Why wouldn't I believe it could happen again?" Gail stopped.
"You really thought I would use you like that?" Holly questioned sadly.
Gail didn't think it was possible to feel worse but Holly's sorrowful question proved her wrong. Gail stood surprising them both as she took a seat on the table in front of Holly removing the glass from the brunette's hands before taking both of them in her own.
"No, not really. In the bar, when I heard that conversation, there was a part of me waiting for you to defend me, just shut your friend down. My version of loyalty," Gail explained with a sad smile. "When I didn't hear it I just felt.." a moment passed. "It scared me. How much you meant to me scared me. The power you had to hurt me, scared me. I panicked. Classic Gail, if it gets to real, get out."
"That's not who I am Gail. I don't do a lot of drama. I thought you knew how much I cared about you and really that was all that mattered," Holly started.
"I know," Gail interrupted. "that's one of the things I like about you. No drama, no BS. I've never had that, not really." Gail looked down at their entwined hands. Should she take it as a positive sign that Holly hadn't pulled away or was the Doctor just being kind? Gail hung her head as another wave of overwhelming sadness hit her.
"Holly," Gail stopped. She couldn't think of a single thing to say. Her mind just went blank. Gail fought down the panic as the silence settled over them. Tears welled up unbidden once again.
"Gail?" her name was spoken softly and Gail felt herself lean in involuntarily as Holly's fingers brushed along her cheek before settling beneath her chin forcing her to raise her head. Holly wiped away the tears as she gently tugged Gail closer until Holly had her enfolded in a comforting hug. Gail felt the last shred of self control dissolve with the tears falling quickly. It took a moment before she realized Holly was crying as well, Gail tightened her hold running a comforting hand along Holly's back.
"I'm sorry Holly. I didn't come over to upset you." Gail pulled back wiping her tears away. Holly did the same.
Holly left the chair to grab a box of tissues from an end table. After pulling a few out she handed the box to Gail. Holly wiped her tears away before speaking. "Friends, is that what you want Gail?"
Gail gave Holly a long look as an internal debate raged. "I have never cared for anyone as much as I care for you. I want you in my life Holly. In whatever way you're willing to be part of it," she answered honestly.
Holly moved closer reaching out to brush Gail's hair from her face before letting her fingers trail across Gail's cheek. "I really care about you. I know you have your past issues but I don't want someone in my life who can't be honest, who will trust me, who won't bail out when things get scary."
Gail fought every instinct that screamed for a snarky comment and quick exit. She held Holly's gaze waiting for her to finish. Hoping there was a finish. She didn't realize she had stopped breathing until Holly continued.
"It really hurt me that you wouldn't talk to me that you completely cut me off. If you want to be in my life Gail you have to be honest and you have to communicate or it won't be possible."
Gail realized she was nodding along in agreement with Holly's words as a wave of relief passed through her. "I want to." Gail was surprised to realize for the first time that she was with someone she trusted enough to take that risk of opening up.
Holly reached out to hug her tightly. Gail returned the embrace. They separated after a few moments and an awkwardness settled over them.
"I offered to cover for Diaz and the shift starts in an hour. I should go," Gail stated.
Holly nodded in acknowledgement. They walked to the door. Gail gripped the door knob pausing for a moment. "Are we okay?"
Holly smiled nodding. "When's your next day off?"
"Come over, I'll cook dinner," Holly offered.
Gail smiled as she nodded her agreement. "I will."
Gail slipped out the door feeling better than she had in weeks. She forced herself to refrain from looking back. She felt good and she had plans for Thursday. It was a good place to be. She would figure out where this was going as it came.
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