DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and the characters within are the property of MGM, Showtime, Gekko etc.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This fic was inspired by one line in the Indigo Girl's: Hope Alone... <We were just an empty dream too big for hope alone to fill>
DEDICATION: In the UK, Sunday March 30th is Mother's Day, so this is for all the Mums, Moms, and daughters out there (sorry guys... it is for you too!)
Sam: 10.43am
Major Samantha Carter was supposedly hard at work in her lab. Her thoughts were troubled and, as was often the case at times like this, she turned to the most important person in her life.
Hey Mom,
Today has been one of MY off days you know. It's been the sort of day where I can't seem to put my head where it needs to be. I can't concentrate on any of the reports that have been littering my desk. Lucky I'm not off world. As distracted as I am now, I would be just a burden to the team.
I don't know Mom. I feel so down some days but I feel so high some days too. Okay, I know, "Tell me Sammie". Oh God Mom, I wish you were here to tell me what I should do.
All right I will tell you. It might just help me get my head around things. I met someone. No! That's not true. I met this person 4 years ago... but I guess I only found this person recently. Does that make sense Mom? No, that's all right. It doesn't make sense to me either.
Okay... it was 4 years ago. The first time I met…. What? Does this person have a name? Sure... umm... oh God Mom! Her name is Janet, Dr. Janet Fraiser. Yes. She's with the SGC too.
You're okay with this? You understand, now I know why I love you so much. Oh God... Mom... I never want to disappoint you. I know, I know. You will always be proud of me. Thank you.
Huh? Is she beautiful? She's gorgeous Mom. Simply gorgeous. I have never seen someone as beautiful as her. Inside out Mom. What? Huh? Have there been other women before her? No.... It seems that I have always fallen for the wrong men. Yeah. I wish you'd been here too... during my Jonas episode. That was a very tough time Mom. And now, there's the Colonel. It would be so easy to slip into a relationship with him, but I don't want the easy life, I want the right life. I want everything I have ever wanted, and I want it now.
Okay... okay... sorry I got distracted. What do you want to know about her? Everything? Let's see. You already know I think she's the most beautiful woman… gorgeous I said. She's also very kind Mom. We found a girl on a planet I visited and we kind of have to bring her home to earth. Yes... that is the short version. Yes... there is a long version. I will tell you about it some other time okay?
And Janet... she just opened her heart to adopt this girl even though I know everything was so hard on her the first couple of weeks. But she didn't let it get to her Mom. She just took this little girl under her wing, and now she loves Cassie like her own. Huh? Yeah.. Cassie, Cassandra is the girl we brought to earth from her home planet. The girl Janet loves with all her heart.
Sometimes I feel jealous of Cassie... of a little girl. But, her and Janet have such a close relationship, I want in. Oh Mom, when I spend time with Janet I am happy. When I am apart from her, I feel so very lonely. When we spend time as a family, the three of us, it is just perfect. I want it all.
Sorry Mom, I am rambling, I know. So, where was I? Ok… back to my story. Janet is just so brave too. I hate to admit this, but I kind of left her and Cassie alone in the beginning you know. I guess I was scared because I was getting this weird feeling when I was with her. The sort of feeling you never want to stop. A warm, fuzzy, "this is me", sort of feeling. And I was afraid what spending so much time with her would do to my peace of mind. But Janet just adapted to life with a little one, and she brought me back into the fold. She made me show my love for Cassie. She gives me strength Mom.
What? Ok Mom, you are right! I found her from the Moment I laid my eyes on her. I guess I just didn't realize it back then. But now I look back at three, four years ago... and I see it all there. My steadily increasing attraction and deep feeling for her. Now Mom... I just want her.
Huh? Mom... It's not like that. Well... it's not! I... I guess... I don't want only that. I want her friendship, her comfort, her time, and her love. S**t, I don't know what I want Mom. I don't know if this is love, but it sure as anything feels like what I have been searching for. Sometimes, I just need her.
And it's not that easy Mom. I don't even know if she likes women... in... that way.. you know. She was married once. What does that tells you. Huh? Oh, okay, yeah! I got myself engaged before... but, but that was different. Wasn't it?
What? Just tell her? Oh no.... I can't Mom! I... I'm scared. What if... Huh? What ifs don't count? Of course they count Mom. It's too risky. We have this damn "Don't ask, Don't tell" policy and I don't want to lose her Mom. I need her in my life. I need Cassie in my life. I don't want to scare her away, and I certainly don't want her to lose Cassie. Things are just too complicated.
I am content having her as my best friend. But I'm not Mom, am I? I want her to know how I feel. I want her to share my feelings. Hell! I want her to return my feelings. Gee, I am so mixed up… I guess I really do want it all.
Oh Mom, I'm a mess… what if this is just all an empty dream.
Janet: 10.43am
Doctor Janet Fraiser was supposedly hard at work in her office at home. She was trying to catch up with some much needed paperwork but, her thoughts were troubled and, as was often the case at times like this, she turned to the most important person in her life.
Hey Mom…
It's me Janet. What do you mean, of course I don't need an excuse to ring my Mom. Ok, ok, you are right, it's been one hell of a week and I just needed to hear your voice.
What's up? Oh nothing really, it's just me. I can't seem to concentrate on anything. You know, too many worries tumbling about this head of mine. I know they always do, but this time Doctor Janet cannot fix it.
Cassie? Nope she's fine Mom, promise you. She's doing well at school, going to be a rocket scientist I think. Yeah, not my doing Mom, that would be Sam's influence. Major Carter, you know, you met her when you came over the last time. The tall beautiful blond that is the reason we can both enjoy Cassie.
Why did I call her the beautiful blond, because she is: beautiful, blond, clever, kind, strong, loving… oh Mom, therein lies some of my problem. Hey, just hear me out here, I need to say this out loud, I need you to understand something, just listen, ok?
I know you will Mom, and I love you too. Here goes. I've met someone. That's not the whole truth, I've known them ages, but only now do I realize just what they mean to me. It's only recently I have seen under all the layers, seen something I really want.
Guess what Mom? For once in my life I am hooked. We spend time together I am happy. We spend time apart I am scared and lonely. We spend time with Cassie and it feels like the perfect family. Yet, I want more, it's not enough Mom, I want so much more than I have.
Oh Mom, I can't just approach them. You know about "Don't ask, Don't tell", well I just can't risk my career, can I? No matter what I am feeling now, if I were to lose Cassie things would be a whole lot worse. If I say anything, I might just lose my daughter. Oh Mom, what can I do?
I know I'm rambling, and yes, ok, you can interrupt. It's just I don't know what the hell to do next. What?? Why is Sam part of this problem? Oh Mom, haven't you realized, she is the problem. You may not have expected this, but I have fallen for her, hook, line and sinker. She is the missing piece in my life. Is that wrong, Mom?
It's not!! You understand. Oh Mom, now I know why I love you so much. I married Tom because I thought that was what I wanted. What you and Dad wanted, for me to be happy and produce lots of grandchildren. I'm joking Mom, I know, really! Anyway, I wasn't happy and you knew that. It was you that gave me the strength to leave Tom to follow my dream of being a doctor. Then when I realized I could be a doctor in the air force, I knew I could please Dad too. He was so proud of his air force life, and suddenly I could share that with him. And I was happy Mom, very much so. I am happy, but I have always wanted that little bit more. I want what you and Dad have Mom. I want my own significant other to share my soul.
Don't cry Mom. It is the truth; you and Dad have so much. I want it too. And do you know? I feel it with Sam. From the moment I first met her life has been so much better. The missing piece has been here. I don't think I ever admitted that to myself before, but for the last 4 years I have felt whole. Since the moment she gave me Cassie, my jigsaw has been almost complete. The last piece would be to know Sam was mine.
I don't even know whether she feels anything for me. Don't even know whether she could love a woman. She's been engaged Mom, she has a handsome Colonel hanging on her every breath, her every action, how could she ever feel anything for me? What could she want with me?
I know, I know, I am better than that. That is what you have always taught me, I am as good as the next man. But you know me, I think? So, tell me Mom, how did you know? How did you know Dad felt something for you? His eyes? You want to know what Sam's eyes are like? They are crystal clear, the sort that you can drown in. Blue pools of liquid diamond, No Mom, I can't read them. What if they say something I don't want to read? I know I must Mom, I need to say something, or else how will I know, but…
Oh Mom, I am so scared… what if all I have is this hope for more?
The End
Sequel Hope Alone 3