DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to the fabulous Ilene Chaiken & showtime.
SPOILERS: Spoilers include all of season 1, leaning heavily on the season finale.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Written in Tina & Bette's pov, enjoy!
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

How Tina Must Have Felt
By Naomi

Chapter Twenty-One

I've never actually considered the consequences of taking Bette back, but after witnessing what happened between Alice and Dana last night, I know that there just aren't going to be any. Sure we may experience our ups and downs, but now I know that no matter what we both have to fight for this. I decided a long time ago that what Bette did is in the past, it's going to stay in the past, and I am not going to bring it up again. No matter how tempted I'll be the next time we have an argument, I have sworn to myself that I am not going to throw that back in her face. Maybe she's getting off lightly, who knows. Personally I just don't see why I should be miserable for the rest of my life out of spite. This holiday has given me alot of insight. Bette is an amazing, loving, romantic person I just needed to remind her of that. Maybe it sounds strange but a part of me is glad about the affair. I don't appreciate the pain, and it still kills me to think of Bette with that woman, but I'm so awake right now. If Bette and I had just continued the way we were our relationship would never have lasted.

"What are you thinking about baby?" Bette whispers. I turn my head to meet her gaze as we lay on the sun deck, Bette holding me from behind.



"Is it going to be like this when we go home?" I ask.

"I'm going to try my best to make it like this. Granted there's no sun deck but we can improvise" Her voice tickles the back of my neck, and I shiver delightfully in her arms.

"I still can't get over Alice and Dana" And I can't. I kind of saw the connection but I never thought that they'd act on it. I mean it's Dana, and Alice! Marina and Jenny were going to get together eventually because you can spot the sexual tension between them a mile of. But perky Alice and fumbling Dana?

"I know. I wonder what they're going to do. I mean is it going to be like Marina and Jenny holding hands and sneaking off for illicit sex, or are they going to pretend that nothing's happening between them"

"I just cannot imagine Dana and Alice having sex" I chuckle

"I think Alice could really love her"

"I think she already does. The way they were together last night"

"Speaking of which we'd better grab breakfast we're visiting that monkey sanctuary later on" Bette tells me in a voice that says she is not happy about Jenny's idea.

"Why did you agree to it?" I ask.

"I think I owe it to Jenny. She made me realise that I could save this" She hugs me tighter.

"I'm glad she did. We'd better get going I want to see what Alice and Dana look like" We walk down to the pool and into the kitchen. Shane is leaning back on two legs of the chair she's sat on eating a piece of toast. Marina and Jenny are sat on one chair sharing a piece of watermelon.

"Morning" Shane greets us.

I kiss Shane on the cheek. "Morning. Alice and Dana not down yet?"

Shane shakes her head finishing her mouthful of toast. "Alice didn't sleep in my room last night either" I pretend not to know anything. For all my teasing it's really Dana and Alice's decision if and when they tell the group.

"So Jenny we're going to that monkey sanctuary later today. Looking forward to it?" Bette asks smiling gently as she pours two mugs of coffee.

"Yeah. I can't wait. You can feed them you know, and sometime...sometimes they'll climb on your shoulders" Marina strokes her hair as she talks with excitement.

"Cool" Shane remarks.

"I might just go and get the camera baby. I'll be down in a second" I know that I could get the camera later on but then I'd miss out on snooping and I've since realised that I really enjoy snooping.

"Sure" Bette chuckles. I kiss the top of her head before I leave the room.

When I reach the hallway I practically creep along the wooden floor. I reach Alice, and Dana's door and think about what I'm going to do if this opens right now. I can always just pretend that I was about to knock. I lower my ear to the door.

"So we should go right?" Dana asks uncertain.

"In a minute" I can hardly hear Alice talking. I hear the covers shuffling. "Dana" Alice begins shyly.


"I..." She laughs "...I really like you Dana"

"I really like you too"

"So we should go"

"Yeah" I can hear the sound of their lips meeting. Then them climbing off of the bed. I start to walk away quickly. I almost reach my door and I hear theirs open.

"I know you were listening Mrs Kennard" I turn around slowly, blushing with guilt. "Why don't you go down and I'll be there in a minute" Alice talks to her differently. She has this softness in her voice. I like it. Dana nods biting her lip.

"Ok" She whispers. She moves away reluctantly glancing back at Alice when she reaches the stairs. The looks they're giving each other hold so much more passion than Marina and Jenny's stolen kisses.

"So you and Dana?"

"Don't pretend to be surprised" She stands infront of me folding her arms.

"You're in love with her already" She falters, the front she's putting on cracking.


"Dana, you love her"

"No" She snorts "Maybe a little. We'd have to work on that"

"I'm happy for you" I tell her honestly. She smiles and we hug. "How was the sex?" She laughs in my ear.

"It was...it was pretty awesome actually"

Chapter Twenty-Two

"Get it off!...Get it off of me" Dana squeals going limp as the monkeys tail strokes her shoulders. "What do these things eat anyway?" She asks horrified.

Shane shrugs. "Anything I guess"

"Anything!" She stares up and panics even more when she can't see the monkey. "What's it doing. Please Al get it off of me"

A tall man with sunglasses and a toothpaste smile goes up to Dana, holding one arm out, his free hand clutching a banana, the monkey climbs from Dana's shoulders onto the man's arm grabbing the banana and unpeeling it greedily. "He likes you" The man says his accent undetectable.

"The feelings not mutual" Dana tells him staring warily at the monkey. The man chuckles gently placing the monkey onto the ground, staring fondly at it as it makes a run for the trees.

"My name's Brett" He informs her holding out his hand. She shakes it, and frowns when he holds onto her hand even when she tries to pull it away.

"Dana" Dana answers reluctantly.

"I just moved here right from Sydney" He explains grinning, concentrating solely on Dana.


"Do you like monkeys?" He asks but continues without Dana's answer. "You may find it interesting to know that this wildlife sanctuary is home to about a thousand green monkeys. Now originally they came from Gambia, but about 350 years ago they emigrated to Barbados" He goes on stepping closer to Dana as he speaks.

"That is..."

"Not interesting" Alice buts in. "And a little advice Brett, if you're going to chat somebody up a) don't start up a conversion about monkeys, and b) don't chat up a lesbian" Alice informs him curtly. Brett's brow creases in confusion as he looks at Alice. Alice leans in a little. "Especially not a lesbian who's already taken" She adds her voice dropping an octave. Brett's gaze wanders from Alice to Dana a complete look of confusion on his face. "Christ do I have to spell it out for you?" She grabs Dana by the face kissing her passionately. Dana's arms go limp by her sides and it seems like if Alice released her hold on her then she'd fall like a dead weight to the ground.

Brett gulps glancing around him. He spots an old aged couple and walks over to them quickly. "Sir, Madam. You may find it interesting to know..."

Alice laughs, an arm clutching Dana's waist. "Do you think he knows she's taken aswell?"

"You could always go and tell him" Shane teases, surprisingly not paying much attention to Alice and Dana's obvious embrace. "Well I'm going to take a look in the gift shop. Did you see the blonde at the cash register?" She wolf whistles walking backwards and grinning at us. "Later guys"

"I don't like it here, when do we get to go?" Dana moans.

We all look to the left where Marina and Jenny are hugging and giggling as they take pictures of a baby monkey. "Oh it's so cute. Isn't it cute?" Jenny gushes. Marina nods kissing Jenny on the cheek.

"It's beautiful" She whispers looking at Jenny with adoration.

Tina sighs. "We can't go yet" She sits down on a bench slipping her feet out of her sandals and rubbing them. I sit down next to her, my arm instinctively draping around the back of her.

"Just give them a little longer" I agree, massaging the back of T's neck. She groans with pleasure, and I smile. "You're a little tense. Remind me to work those kinks out later on" Tina giggles.

"I'm going to go get an ice cream. You want one Dane?"


"I'll come with you. You want something baby?" Tina asks.

"Whatever you're having" Tina stands up squeezing my knee and then walking off with Alice. I'm watching her retreating figure, and it feels corny but I'm thinking about how much I hate to see her go, but I really do love to watch her leave. It's all about the ass, and in that small cotton skirt even the monkeys are leering at her.

The holiday's end is creeping uncomfortably close. I don't want it to end. I really don't want it to end. But I know that when it does, Tina and I are going to be just fine. I sneak a peek at Dana, who's transfixed by Alice's ever fading shadow. I wonder if she's worrying about what happens between Alice and her when we go home. "So" Dana begins nervously, hunching her shoulders together. "Monkeys huh? I never knew they'd be so...close you know?" I nod. "And uh...do you think I'm good enough for Alice?" She spits it out like it hurts her to keep it to herself any longer.

"I don't have one single doubt that you are"

"It's just...I'm worried that maybe one day she'll realise what a geek I am and then I won't even get to have her as a friend"

"Dana I think she really likes you. And I think that you two were made for each other. If Alice didn't really want you then she would never have told you anything. It wouldn't have been worth it"

"I guess so" She glances down at her hands. "It just all seems so weird. Jenny and Marina, Al and me"

"Love definitely seems to be in the air" Dana blushes.

"You and Tina seem to be happy"

"We are" I confirm.

"You're so good at all that romantic crap. The holiday, and the boat, and the flowers. I wouldn't have a clue what to do for Alice"

"You don't have to do anything. Dana you need to realise Alice just isn't something you can fail at. Once you see how much she cares for you that's when you'll know what to do for Alice"

"Do what now?" Alice asks, seating herself beside Dana. Two dripping ice cream cones in her hands. She licks the melting ice cream from off of the cone and hands it to Dana.

"I brought you chocolate" Tina says sitting down on my lap. "I thought you might like something sweet"

I take a lick of the ice cream T is holding. "Oh you're plenty sweet enough for me"

Alice eats her ice cream oblivious to Dana's meek gaze. Slowly, without looking at Alice, she places her hand ontop of Alice's, gulping as she waits for her reaction. A part of me is as nervous as Dana, although looking at her pained expression I might be exaggerating. "It's ok Dana" Alice whispers, stroking Dana's hand comfortingly. "You can touch me" Dana breathes a sigh of relief.

"I...I know"

Chapter Twenty-Three

We're all sat around the kitchen table. We're supposed to be making the most of it, saying goodbye to Barbados in style as Alice keeps telling me. And yet here we all are shrouded in candlelight and sadness. I guess neither one of us really wants to go home. Our gang has transformed into couples, and even Shane has invited the woman she met at the monkey sanctuary. I guess it's been a while for poor Shane because they've been locked in her bedroom ever since she got here.

Bette and I made a pact last night that we wouldn't make love tonight. We have an early flight tomorrow and we just know we're going to wake up exhausted. To be honest, I had my fingers crossed when I agreed to it. There is no way that I am going to spend the last night in that bed sleeping. I'm going to wait until she really thinks that we're just going to sleep. I'll put on my most restrictive pyjamas, and underneath I'll have on the sexiest lingerie Bette has ever seen.

"Do you think we should go out tonight?" I ask Bette, who shrugs.

"It's up to you baby"

"I think we'll just stay in tonight" I decide. "Call me boring but I just want to relax"

"Me too" Bette agrees kissing my cheek and refilling my empty glass of wine.

"You're not boring Tina, Marina and me we wanted to spend the night by the pool" She holds onto Marina. "It's going to be difficult to say goodbye to"

"Well you're not the only ones with plans we're going to say goodbye to the bedroom right Dane?" Alice purrs, winking at Dana who despite her blushes nods in agreement. Alice can't keep the smile off of her face, and I'm still taken by how incredibly adorable those two are.

"Actually T and I don't have plans. We're just going to sleep, Tina needs her rest right sweetie" Bette coos gently rubbing my stomach with a hand. I nod slyly winking at Alice.

"That's right baby. I'm gonna run you a bath and then we are going to have some much needed sleep" I run my fingers through her unruly curls. I look around the room. Marina holding Jenny like she's some kind of precious stone, like if her gaze wanders for even one second then that beauty is just going to go to waste. Alice whispering into Dana's ear, stroking her bright red cheeks while she thinks nobody notices. Silence falls over the dining room and not one person seems to notice, except for me of course. And I've just realised something, everybody in this room, in some way or other, are the same. You could separate this entire room into Bette and Tina's or Marina and Jenny's or Alice and Dana's. "Hmm let's take a bottle of wine upstairs, and I'll start your bath" I whisper to Bette. Bette takes my hand in her own, kissing my knuckles one by one.

"See you tomorrow"

"Remember we need to be up by eight"

"Kennard you've got it written on the fridge. We will be up by eight" Alice promises.

"Ok well have fun" I wave goodbye to them and Bette and I walk slowly towards the stairs.

"We should come back here" Bette comments, walking behind me up the stairs.

"Definitely" We walk hand in hand down the hallway. "Now go get undressed and I'll run your bath"

"Yes ma'am" We eskimo kiss and I practically run into the bathroom when Bette is out of sight. I turn both taps on, pulling on my lingerie and then struggling into my pyjamas. The lingerie in question is not designed to cover your assets. With its red silk and black fringe it has a sharp contrast to my slightly tanned skin. It feels so soft and delicate against my skin, and I know that it's going to feel the same to Bette. The pyjamas however are that thick claustrophobic cotton, covered entirely in daisies, I've done the buttons up right to my neck.

Bette opens the door laughing at my pyjamas. "Isn't it a little hot to be wearing them?"

"No I'm a little cold actually" I test the water before turning the taps off. "Why don't you see if the water's warm enough?" She pulls the sleeve of her white silken bathrobe up dipping her elbow into the water. I start to undress while her back is turned. My fingers slowly working at the buttons of my pyjamas.

"It's perfect"

"Could you just add the bath salts and the bubble bath?" I ask before she can turn around.

"Sure baby" She starts to pour the peach bubble bath into the warm bath water. Mixing it around with her hand. "This stuff smells great" My pyjama top falls to the ground and I pull down my pyjama bottoms. "Did we..." She turns around, her sentence trailing off as she stands open mouthed.

"Did we what baby?" I ask innocently.

"There's something different about you, I should keep looking until I figure out what it is"

"You like what you see?"

She nods taking a step towards me. "I don't think I could like it more" I grab her hand and bring it to my breast. "Maybe I could like it a little more" I grin moving her hand over the gentle silk.

"Does it feel nice?" I ask, my words catching in my throat as I feel her touch and the silk against my nipples.

"Not as nice as you but it could be the next best thing" I smile, releasing my hands from hers and bringing them, instead, to Bette's shoulders. Bette's hands remain on my breasts, teasing my nipples with her fingertips. Her white bathrobe looks perfect against the colour of her skin. I start to move my hands across her shoulders and am fascinated by how easily the bathrobe slips off of her. As it falls slowly to the ground it exposes her naked body and I feel something deep inside of me become hungry for more. "I thought you didn't want to do anything tonight?" Bette asks breathlessly.

"You didn't really believe that did you" I skim her spine with my hand, following the outline of her body until I reach her ass.

"Well..." I kiss each of her shoulders. "...not at first but...that feels amazing..." Her head falls back and I travel the length of her elegant neck with my tongue. "...but when I saw you in those pyjamas" She unclasps my bra, taking a step backwards and taking my bra with her. "So this bath it's for both of us right?"

"It's so big, I didn't want you to be lonely in it" I reply as seriously as I can when Bette is stood infront of me naked.

"I see your point" She agrees playing along. She climbs into the bath, sighing as the hot water embraces her. The bubbles immediately cling to her damp skin and I find myself subconsciously licking my lips. I slide in ontop of her, my legs at either side of her waist. You just cannot understand how good this feels right now. Sitting ontop of Bette like this, surrounded by warm water, our bodies naked and impossibly close. I kiss her and already her skin is flushed and damp. Her hand rests on my stomach, and I watch the emotions change from need to want, to love, as two of her fingers dance their way to my breasts. She strokes my breasts, never cupping, never possessing. She finally meets my gaze and I can literally feel the air disappear from my lungs. "Move back baby" She whispers moving me against the slope of the tub. Her body moves ontop of mine as she pays close attention to my lips. She kisses me lovingly, with passion that's somehow different to the kind of passion that has made me rip Bette's clothes off lately. Every time she looks at me, or touches me, I can feel her love, and that is so much more addictive when it outweighs the lust. I shudder with pleasure as those hands slide down my stomach because I know where there are headed. She enters me and my entire body seems to contract. Her body moves ontop of mine again, covering my damp body with her silk like skin, her hand still in-between my thighs. As we kiss my thigh meets her sex and I feel her still for a second. I can feel her pulse, feel her throbbing against me. She moves against my thigh with the exact rhythm of her moving fingers. I love the idea of Bette feeling exactly what I'm feeling. I love the idea of us climaxing together. And I love the idea that Bette knows how I feel. Pleasure creeps up on me without warning and suddenly I'm begging Bette to touch me harder, and she's moving against my thigh gasping into my ear. The water starts to splash around us as our bodies move. I can hear the sounds echoing around the room. Our bodies moving backwards and forwards, the splash of the water, our gasps and our moans and eventually our cries. When all the feelings, that craved releases, slowly subsides Bette is lying against my chest, and I'm holding her like I did when we made love for that first time since we were apart. It's weird but I feel like now I know how Bette must be feeling. Our shared I love yous fade into silence and I know that we'll stay here until the water turns cold.

Chapter Twenty-Four

We're waiting at the airport, and it feels like we were just here yesterday. I'm already nostalgic for the villa. I want its balcony and its bed and its pool and its bathroom.

But we can go back. And when we do Tina and I are going to be just as happy. I can feel it in my bones this is one story that is going to have a happy ending. Call me presumptuous, but if Tina and I weren't meant to be together then she would never have forgiven me.

Candace has been a lesson that I will never forget for as long as I live, because for that moment in time I forgot how important Tina is to me. And though I doubt that Tina and me will ever talk about my mistake again I will always remember what I did to her. So don't think for one second that I'm getting off lightly. Because that's what I was afraid of when I brought T here. I thought maybe she'd think that this was my guilt present, that I would be stupid enough to think a holiday could wipe away what an idiot I was. I guess for a while there I was afraid that I was that idiot. But I know my intentions were purer than that. I wanted Tina to have the break she's deserved for a long time. I wanted us to start a fresh, and what better way to start a fresh than paradise?

And apparently we're not the only ones who thought of Barbados as their paradise. It's impossible to believe that when we arrived here there was one couple, and now that we're returning there are three.

And I can't help but wonder what happens when we get back, not between Tina and me, between everyone I guess. It's going to be interesting having our morning coffees in the planet. Marina probably drooling all over Jenny as she tries to feed her, T and me cuddling up to each other, and Alice and Dana whispering into each others ears as they try their best to make each other blush, Shane chasing the next thing that catches her eyes, and who knows maybe actually catching it. But all I really need to know is that we'll all be together. I smile because I know that we will.

The plane is flying smoothly and Bette has finally convinced me to sit by the window seat. I'm glad she did. I'm glad for everything she does these days.

I've been staring out of this window for hours now. The first hour Bette was sat patiently by my side, holding me by the waist as if it would help ease my fears more, it did, but I became so enthralled in the way every cloud I pass looks that Bette has fallen asleep. The sky has turned a soft pink that radiates through the window swimming across Bette's flawless complexion. This feels like the perfect end to the perfect holiday.

Although it still hurts, I've started to make myself remember what Bette did. Throughout the holiday I was petrified that thinking about Bette's affair would hurt so bad that I'd have to leave her or never admit she'd had the affair in the first place. But I know better than that, I'm stronger than that. Bette adores me, I can see it in her eyes, I can feel it in her touch, her gestures. And I adore Bette, god I adore her. Being with her was always amazing but now it's mind blowing. I don't care what people think, and I don't care what people say, I am going to be with Bette forever.

I turn away from the window and rest my face barely inches away from Bette's. Her lips are parted slightly, her chest rising and falling comfortingly. I place a hand on her chest. I am going to be with this woman forever. We're going to have babies and watch them grow as we grow.

I take a moment to look at my friends. Jenny and Marina infront of us kissing tenderly, hugging each other through their seat belts. Shane winking at a young dark haired girl who gushes under her attention. Alice and Dana behind us their heads tilted against one another, their faces almost touching, their hands clasped as they sleep.

And I'm going to watch them grow, and they're going to grow with us. I sigh completely content. I rest my face under Bette's chin and fall asleep.

The End

Return to The L Word Fiction

Return to Main Page