DISCLAIMER: Don't own anything. Bioware owns it all. Well, most of it. "Howl" is a magnificent song by Florence + the Machine. Awesome, awesome work of art.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Counterpart to "She's always a woman to me". Can be read as a single ficlet, though. Song can be found in this playlist (second one): 8tracks.com/jay357/she-s-always-a-woman-to-me
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
FEEDBACK: To JayTheGreenling[at]yahoo.com
Howl
By jay357
Miranda was standing in the corner furthest from the bed she had just slipped out of. Her blue opposite was still lying there, sleeping peacefully. She had no reason to be here still. But something kept her from leaving. And instead of doing the logical thing, she was watching the lithe form on the bed intensively. Every time she snuck onto the Normandy, she promised herself it would be the last time. But that had not worked so far, and she was starting to feel like a fool. A fool who had no control over herself.
If you could only see the beast you've made of me
Which was true. In a way. When she had started this filthy affair with the Asari, she had known she would be losing control sooner rather than later. The sensitive biotic just had a way of reaching her that she had no remedy for. So she had set up rules for herself. Rules that would keep her from losing control. She had created a simple set of algorithms that would determine whether she would allow herself to see the Asari. Easy as that. It had worked wonderfully in the beginning. Mind-blowing sex had been interrupted by days, weeks, sometimes months of fantasizing, and Miranda had used her alone time wisely, had buried herself in work. But then something had changed. She couldn't remember when, exactly, but she knew why. It had been after the two of them hadn't seen each other for a few months already, when Miranda had visited the other woman on the Shadow Broker Base. That was the first time she had made the mistake: She had stayed in bed, just watching the Asari, tenderly stroking the blue back that was presented to her. And something inside of her had opened up. And she had been lost.
I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free
From then on it had been hard to keep her composure. To keep their charade going. The bigger her need to see the Asari had been, the more determined she had become not to visit her. It had worked astonishingly well. Sometimes Miranda hadn't shown up at all. And she had even refused to give an explanation. Her feelings might have gotten carried away, but she was still very much in charge of her actions. That she had proven over and over. A part of her was aware of the fact that she was hurting the Asari with her behaviour, but she forced herself not to care. Her well-being still had top priority, after all. No blue alien would ever change that... But it had changed. It had all changed so drastically. Where she had once reveled in the quiet of her own quarters, she would now lie in bed, hugging the covers; crying.
Screaming in the dark, I howl when we're apart
She had started to care. Masking her feelings every time she had sex with the young biotic had been so easy at first. To her, sex had been a task, a perfect means of releasing tension, that was all. As time went on, it had been increasingly difficult for her to keep her true emotions locked away. Sometimes they would emerge and her body would do things she had had no intention of doing. Like caressing a soft cheek while pushing her fingers into the wetness that seemed to promise so much more than a roll in the sack. But when she caught herself thinking along those lines, she would usually have no trouble to get a grip on herself and fight the unnecessary emotions that were clouding her judgement. Most of the time it would become rough after that. Sometimes she had been sorry for the claw marks that were covering the other body, but just as often, she wouldn't care. It was the Asari's own fault, after all. If she didn't want to be taken that way, she would just have to protest. But she never did. Even though Miranda had tried to provoke a reaction several times. Pinching sensitive nipples, scratching over soft buttocks skin, biting tender mounds of flesh, thrusting her fingers deeply into the warmth of clamping muscles...
Drag my teeth across your chest to taste your beating heart
My fingers claw your skin, try to tear my way in
Yes, no doubt, she enjoyed it. Sex with the Asari was a remarkable thing. The meld alone was far more than she could ever fathom, but lately it had become increasingly difficult to keep the facade up. Not being in control simply did not do for Miranda Lawson. What she did on her own time might be excusable, but not being able to keep her hands to herself, to keep the look in her eyes in check, that was not acceptable. Crying and screaming and sobbing in her quarters, in the safety of her room, that was one thing. Letting the Asari see that something was going on, that was an entirely different matter! She had yet to find a different solution for her emotional phases, taking the lithe biotic from behind or marking her whole body as belonging to Miranda wasn't enough anymore.
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to howl
My fingers claw your skin, try to tear my way in
But the more she felt she hurt the alien, the more she felt regret, and the more likely it became that those feelings would leak to the outside. It was a circle she just could not break out of. Every single time she reminded herself of that she would cry. And cry and cry and cry.
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to
Howl
Today she had finally decided that something had to change. She wanted to be in control again. Her emotional outbursts were a weakness she would not endure for much longer. The Asari would have to learn that Miranda wouldn't give in. That, even though she had made many mistakes in her life, and even though their fling was one of those, she would not back down. She had come here to make this situation her own again. No matter the cost.
Now there's no holding back, I'm making to attack
My blood is singing with your voice, I want to pour it out
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloody feet across the hallowed ground
She had planned it all out. Considered the arguments the Asari would probably make, and prepared herself for the possibility of a long and dreadful discussion. But it had been to no avail. The beautiful, wonderful woman splayed over the covers had soon erased all coherent thought from her mind, and all she had been able to do was take her. And take her again, harder.
Like some child possessed, the beast howls in my veins
I want to find you, tear out all your tenderness
She hadn't been herself when she had ripped off her own clothes today. She had been a mindless fucking machine, glorious in her own right.
Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers
Starts so soft and sweet and turns them to hunters
Afterwards the Asari had fallen asleep quick as a tired child. Miranda's fingers had developed a mind of their own and traced the scars and scratches on the blue body. Explored the intriguing structure of alien skin, and at one point she had even kissed the neck that had rested so delicately on a cushion. She had wrapped her arm around the sleeping form and pulled her close. And the most wonderful feeling had filled her up. Her heart had started to flutter and her consciousness had started to fade.
The fabric of your flesh, pure as a wedding dress
Until I wrap myself inside your arms I cannot rest
But there had been no way that she would allow this weakness. So she had gotten out of bed, hiding in the darkness of the furthermost corner, watching the Asari as if she had some contagious disease. She would never admit it to anyone, but she was afraid. Strong, cold Miranda Lawson was scared. Scared of her own shadow, it seemed. What was there to be afraid of? The alien was as good as anything that had ever happened to her... One might even say the biotic was the best thing that had ever happened to her. Miranda sighed. Losing control was a terrifying thing, to be sure. But on the other hand it was a wonderful thing to lose control with the Asari. To let go of everything that had mattered before. Concentrating on intelligent blue eyes had a more calming effect than every other relaxation technique she knew, and the loving whispers of the other woman were something Miranda missed when she was sleeping in her own home, alone.
A woman who's pure of heart and says her prayers by night
May still become a wolf when the autumn moon is bright
Miranda was staring at her fingers, remembering the feeling the warm skin had evoked inside of her. Tenderness. She had felt the need to be gentle, affectionate, loving, even. Why did she feel this way? She had tried so hard to squash these emotions, to crush them with all her might. But they had come back. And the thought of leaving the Asari alone right now... felt wrong somehow. It went against everything she believed in, and yet... Yet it would probably feel good to slip back into bed and spoon the blue body that was so easily offered to her. Maybe she should stay. Just this one night. And give in to the temptation that was the blue biotic. It was weirdly out of character, but what was she supposed to do? The Asari had changed something inside of her, and even although she had tried for months, she hadn't been able to reverse it.
If you could only see the beast you've made of me
Miranda had gone crazy. Crazy in love with the blue stirring form on the bed.
I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free
When blue eyes locked with her's, Miranda couldn't help but smile.
"Liara." It felt good to say her name.
The End