DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of MGM, Showtime, Gekko etc. No infringement intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ok, so a friend of mine and I were talking about the hilarious (and awkward) moments in every relationship where you have to deal with those slightly embarrassing but inevitable moments where the realities of being a human being assert themselves. These moments are far from romantic or graceful, but how they are dealt with are usually a good sign of how the relationship (whether romantic or a friendship) is going to progress from there on out. It is something that I have seen a decided lack of in fanfic…because let's face it. We've all done it, will do it again, and that's just real life. So enjoy and hope you get a chuckle out of this.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
FEEDBACK: To xfiredancerx[at]gmail.com

Human Reality
By Firedancer


Team Bonding

Sam Carter had been called a prude more than once throughout her life. Thing was, she was far from being a prude. A prude did not cut loose every now and then, a prude did not bend the rules when the fancy stuck her, and a prude would certainly never ride to work on a motorcycle as many days as she could. No, Samantha Carter was not a prude. She was just…shy.

Until one got to know her.

Then all bets were off.

Oh she still showed respect to her superiors, played the good little soldier and scientist, and kept up the appearance of being the level-headed 2IC to one Jack O'Neill. But SG-1 knew better. They knew Samantha Carter like no one else in the SGC. And it all started with an extended expedition early on in their first year together.

"Come and get it campers!"

Sam rolled her eyes as Daniel and Teal'c practically raced each other over to the small camp stove to claim the MRE that had been heating in their pouches in the boiling water. Daniel reached it first since Teal'c was trying to remain dignified looking, but it seemed there was no winners for tonight's pick of the food. Daniel's shoulders slumped in defeat.

"Chicken and beans again?" he whined.

O'Neill actually looked sympathetic for the first time. This was the third night in a row they were being subjected to the same meal. MRE's were not something to write home about, but at least they came in a fairly endless variety. Just apparently not on this trip. "Yeah remind me to shoot whoever packed our survival gear. Lazy bastards just probably grabbed it all out of the same supply box," the Colonel grumbled.

Sam groaned inwardly. She was already having…issues and she didn't know if she would survive another night of the leathery chicken and the beans that went along with it. Maybe she'd just skip the beans tonight. She already felt like she was going to explode and O'Neill had been riding her ass all day for hanging back so far from the group.

"Hey Carter! I know it's not gourmet, but I spent hours slaving over a hot camp stove for this," O'Neill prompted.

"Yes sir," she sighed and then pushed herself to her feet.

And froze in complete embarrassment as her body trumpeted it's gastronomical displeasure clearly for all to hear.

The men all turned to stare at their now crimson faced Captain as she tried to think of a suitable apology, Daniel actually dropping his MRE back into the pot in complete shock. Silence reigned in the clearing for several long seconds before a slow grin spread across O'Neill's face. "You got a permit for that loaded weapon there Captain? Because I don't remember it being mission approved."

Daniel lost it, then shut up as soon as Sam glared at him, and then began snickering like a little boy three seconds later. "Don't get to close to the fire there Sam…Don't want to blow us all up."

"Indeed." Teal'c added with a quirk of his eyebrow.

That seemed to finally get Sam speaking again. "Seriously? You Teal'c? From them I would expect it but you?"

Daniel and O'Neill began sputtering in protest, but Teal'c just cocked his head to the side. "I believed an invisible barrier of team bonding had just been broken. I was merely attempting to join in."

"Oh and invisible barrier was broken alright," O'Neill mumbled, causing Daniel to start giggling again.

"Oh come ON!" Sam huffed. "You guys….pass gas all the time. Why does it have to be such a big deal when I finally do it?"

"Carter, how many missions have we been on and not once have you let one fly in front of us? That's why," he stated before she could respond. Then he turned to Daniel. "By the way Danny…you owe me five dollars."

"Wait what?! You bet on me…farting in front of you?"

"Ye-up. Danny said it would be at least six months. I said less than two months. I was closer."

Sam narrowed her eyes at Teal'c who held out his hands. "I was not aware of such a wager."

Daniel turned to Jack. "You didn't stack the odds in your favor with the meals on this trip did you?"

"What?! No!" O'Neill says irritated. "Not over a five dollar bet at least," he added after a minute.

Sam rolled her eyes, her embarrassment forgotten in the face of the such juvenile humor and shoved her disgruntled way past the men to grab her own meal. "Whoa whoa whoa…clear the back blast area fellahs!" O'Neill called out and Daniel dissolved into hysterics with the Colonel quickly following him.

"Go ahead guys….laugh it up. Just remember that we all share the same tent," she shot back at them finally and then smirked and walked away as they thought about that and felt silent.

"Damn. She's probably the SBD fart and fluff type too," O'Neill said somberly, though his eyes sparkled in amusement that he'd finally cracked Carter's shell.

"SBD fart and fluff? I am unfamiliar with that term."

"Silent But Deadly, Teal'c."

"Fart and fluff refers to someone who passes gas under the sheets, holds it in to let the stench…ferment a bit and then fluffs it out when their partner is least expecting it. Usually used as a retaliation," Daniel explained further.

"Ah. I see. As I require less sleep I will be more than happy to take watch for the entire night."

"Ohhhhh no buddy. No way you are getting out of this one. Team bonding and all…."


Two Years Later….

Being Human…..

Sam slid her glance sideways and smiled at the sight of Janet curled up on the other side of the sofa and Cassie snuggled contentedly between them. Things had been hectic the last few weeks and she off world more often than she'd actually been on Earth. She had to chuckle a bit at that mental complaint. Janet and Cassie both looked at her oddly.

"Sorry I was just thinking about how much I've missed you guys and that I've been off world more than I've been on Earth. Who knew the day would come when Sam Carter would be complaining about spending too much time exploring other planets?"

Cassie giggled and Janet laughed in amusement as well. "It does sound funny when you put it that way," she agreed. "But you have a whole weekend of downtime to just relax, unwind, and enjoy the little things."

"Thanks to my awesome physician who put her foot down with the General. I don't think I've ever seen the Colonel as ready to worship at your feet as he was this morning," Sam grinned.

"He owes me big time for this. I thought the General was going to have an aneurism when I pulled medical rank on him today. I know we are in the middle of a war with the Goa'uld but you guys have not had one mission in the past week where someone hasn't come back injured somehow. Jack's knee needs a break, your shoulder is still tender, Daniel's wrist has gone from sprained to fractured, and the burn on Teal'c arm from where that staff shot grazed him is taking too long to heal. It was only a matter of time before someone got killed," Janet said, her tone going from amused to serious and concerned.

"Shhh I know it Jan. The Colonel tried to get time off for us last week, but then that intel came in….But thank you for going to bat for us."

"Are you going to spend the whole weekend with us Sam?" Cassie asked hopefully.

Sam grinned at the excited look in the teen's eyes and looked up to find Janet looking equally as hopeful without giving it away too much. "Well if it's okay with your mom, I think I could swing that kiddo."

"We'd love to have you spend the weekend with us Sam," Janet told her warmly as she reached across the back of the couch and squeezed Sam's shoulder and then let her hand linger there as they continued to hold each other's gaze for a few moment's longer.

Sam gave them both her Carter smile, dimples and all, and Cassie whooped in excitement. "Awesome! We should go to the mall tomorrow! There's this new store that I want to show you Sam…it's got all these cool neat gizmos that do all sorts of crazy things. They even let you play with display models on everything! Oh! And Becky Zacconi is having a girls movie night and slumber party next weekend and I want to go look for a new outfit to wear over."

Sam laughed and ruffled Cassie hair. "Whatever you want kiddo. How about we go hit our favorite ice cream shop afterwards and then go feed the ducks at the park across the street?"

"That sounds great Sam!" She started to say something else, but a massive yawn overtook the girl.

Janet chuckled and poked her daughter in the ribs. "I saw that young lady. Let's finish this episode of Xena and then it's off to bed."

"Awww mom. It's the weekend."

"And it's already past your bedtime and we have a big day tomorrow. So be happy I am letting you stay up to finish the show. Besides, we'll do French toast breakfast tomorrow morning before we head out. How does that sound."

Sam and Cassie looked at each other and both pumped a fist into the air. "Yes!" they exclaimed in joy and Janet chuckled as they both turned back to the last bit of the show as the commercials ended.

When the show ended, Cassie hugged Sam and then hopped to her feet and hugged her mom. "Go brush your teeth and get ready. I'll be up in a few minutes to tuck you in."

"OK. Night Sam!"

"Night sweetie."

When the whirlwind had gone upstairs Janet looked at Sam and smiled softly. "Thank you for staying the whole weekend. This really means a lot to her….to both of us."

"Thanks for letting me be so much a part of her life Jan…both your lives," Sam said, her hand twining with Janet's as they held each other's gaze for a few long moments. "I really have missed you guys. Thank you again for buying us this weekend….even if it did get you in hot water with the General."

Janet chuckled and squeezed Sam's hand. "George will get over it. He loves you guys, and he was more worried than I was every time you guys went out these last two weeks. Besides, part of my job is to make sure the General stays healthy…and stressing over whether you guys are going to get yourselves killed on the next mission isn't good for his continued health. He needed a break as much as you guys did."

"Two birds with one stone eh?"

"Something like that." Janet moved to get up and noticed that Sam shifted on the couch a suddenly uncomfortable expression crossing her face briefly. "You okay Sam?"

"Huh? Oh…um yeah. Leaned against the shoulder funny is all." Sam hoped Janet wouldn't press further because she really didn't want o have to admit that the MRE's were suddenly catching up to her and not in a good way.

"Want some Tylenol or ice?"

"Nah I'll be fine. Go ahead. Take care of Cassie."

"I'll be right back."

Sam smiled tightly and then as soon as Janet was upstairs, Sam bolted off the couch and quietly slipped outside. In the cooling night air, she relaxed and let nature take it's course and sighed as the pressure was relieved a bit. And then a few seconds later her nose wrinkled at the odor. "Great…no sneaking one of those by Janet. Shit. Why now?" she groaned in dismay.

She'd been enjoying the evening immensely and was more than a little put out that her body was rebelling now of all times. Sam had been aware of her growing attraction for her best friend for over a year now. She thought the attraction was mutual, but they'd both been dancing around it for months. And now tonight, when Janet was finally giving her some rather clear signals, her body decides to let her know that it has been unhappy with its steady diet of MRE's or Goa'uld prison slop. Great. Just great.

Sam decided to jog to the end of the block and back in hopes that she could speed up the process or at least buy herself a little more time before she would have to excuse herself. It helped…a little. Back in the driveway she walked over to her bike and pulled off the overnight bag she always carried with her, and went back into the house.

"There you are! I was wondering where you had gotten off to."

Sam lifted her bag. "Figured I'd get my stuff and I was admiring how good it felt outside."

"It it a beautiful evening. And you know what? We never get to enjoy it enough. How about we grab a couple of glasses, a bottle of wine, and go sit out on the lounge chairs for awhile?"

"That sounds like an incredible idea."

A half hour later and they were both comfortably curled up next to each other on their respective lounge chairs, sipping their way through the last of the bottle, fully relaxed and swapping stories. "…and that's why we were out of Jell-O that day and why Siler has been avoiding you ever since. He was sure you were going to kill him."

"Oh my god I can't believe I missed hearing that story! Oh please tell me someone got a picture?"

Janet grinned wickedly. "Better yet I talked Spitz in Security into giving me a copy of the security footage."

Fully relaxed and forgetting her predicament, Sam guffawed in delight….and promptly cut loose loud enough to startle them both into silence. They stared at each other in shock for several seconds, Sam thankful that the darkness was hiding her massive blush, and then Sam giggle nervously.

"Um…sorry? MRE's and I don't quite get along on a long term basis," she said sheepishly.

Janet broke from her surprise and then curled up in her chair and laughed until she cried. "Oh god Sam, I'm sorry. It's just the look on your face and…whoa soldier! You weren't kidding that they don't agree with you," she exclaimed.

Sam sighed and buried her face in her hands, mortified. Janet chuckled much more quietly and pulled Sam's hands away. "It's okay Sam. We're friends...best friends. And if you can't be human in front of your best friend then who can you be human with? I was just teasing is all, but nothing to be embarrassed about. But if the MRE's get to you so badly you should have said something to me. I've got some pills you can take to help with that. You aren't the only one who's complained about the MRE's giving you gastrointestinal problems."


"Yeah. In fact I probably have some in my spare med kit upstairs. Let me go get it for you."

"Thanks Jan. It is a little embarrassing…well not with the guys anymore," she laughed. "But um…that's the real reason I went outside earlier. I didn't want to offend you or anything."

"Jesus Sam…I'm a doctor. And you should hear what I have to hear all day from unconscious patients!" she laughed as she handed her glass to Sam to watch over while she ran upstairs. "But let me tell you Major, if we could bottle that up and toss it at the Goa'uld? They would flee the galaxy," she teased with a wink before she danced away laughing into the house.

"God….you too?" Sam whined.

As she sulked in her lounge chair and sipped from both hers and Janet's glasses, a thought popped into her head. It wasn't unusual for her to share Janet's bed when she spent the night since Cassie now had the spare room and the couch was a little short for Sam. If Janet wanted to tease, she'd better be prepared to take what Sam would dish out later.

With that comforting thought of revenge in mind, Sam settled back in her chair, relaxed once more and waited for Janet to return with the pills. She hoped they wouldn't work too quickly.

The End

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