DISCLAIMER: The story, and characters and anything and everything else concerning SG: SG1 belong to MGM, Gekko, Secret Productions etc, they are so not mine and no money is being made from this and no copyright infringement is intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Slightly revised version of a story originally written for the FemSlash Advent Calendar :: Dead of Winter 2011.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
FEEDBACK: To jo.raine[at]ntlworld.com
SPOILERS: Set post Season 8.
In the Light
Arwen was a good hostess, I'll give her that. She put me straight into the sarcophagus after every time she'd done torturing me to death. The last time the eighth by my admittedly fractured reckoning was particularly nasty. She had one of her Jaffa string me up, my bare toes barely brushing the floor and with one of her favourite stilettos stabbed me in the lower lobes of my lungs before watching me slowly suffocate to death on my own blood. It took a while. I can still see the smile on her kitten-cute face as she sat curled up on her throne, nibbling on sweetmeats and drinking wine whilst I slowly died for her entertainment.
I can still see her smile.
I was only minutes out of the sarcophagus when the rest of SG1, SG3 and SG9 and a contingent of free Jaffa stormed the place. Daniel handed me a zat and I picked up a staff weapon from a fallen Jaffa and we fought our way out. Arwen escaped, unfortunately. Teal'c gave the usual spiel to the remaining Jaffa: freedom or death. Most unsurprisingly chose freedom. SG3 set copious amounts of C4 around the place on a timer and we bugged out back to the SGC.
And now I'm stuck in the infirmary.
I'm fine. Really. But no one will believe me.
"By your own account, Colonel, you can't remember exactly how many times you were put in the sarcophagus. You know that has consequences. We've seen it with Daniel and with General O'Neill. At some time in the next twelve to twenty four hours you are going to start experiencing withdrawal. Headaches, nausea, muscle cramps, irritability, mood swings "
"I know all of this," I said, sharply interrupting her. Doctor Lam stared impassively at me. I winced, realizing I may have just proved her point. "I know," I repeated, moderating my tone. She nodded brusquely and went away to arrange for more tests.
"Look, I'm just going to give you a free pass for anything you might say for the next few days," Janet said softly. "I know it's the side effects talking and not you. Okay?"
I nodded silently, blinking back tears. I didn't deserve her, I really didn't. "I'm scared, Janet."
"Of course you're scared, sweetie," Janet said, knowing how much that admission must have cost me. "So am I. But we'll get through it together, like we always do. Do you believe me, Sam?"
I believed her. Of course I believed her. She was my Janet.
"All your vitals are stable for now," Janet said. "But as Dr Lam said you can expect to experience agitation, paranoia, sweats, chills, nausea and hallucinatory episodes, probably very vivid ones. Some of them might even be flashbacks. Your exposure to the sarcophagus was very concentrated, Sam. I won't lie to you; this isn't going to be pleasant. I'll be with you every step of the way, I promise. You just have to do what I and the other doctors say."
I remembered something. "When I was in the sarcophagus, it was like a waking dream. You were with me I had such a strong sense of you your love, your concern for me."
Janet's smile was almost luminous as she leaned in and kissed me. In that moment I wanted to devour her, to bed her there and then, take her make her mine all over again. It seemed forever since I had touched her like this. I kissed her sweet lips, traced my fingers over her skin. She was perfect, almost perfect, there were flaws of course; small scars, imperfections that made her human. Her skin seemed to flare brightly under my fingertips. I could feel the connection between us so strongly. Our hearts were beating as one, our breaths synchronized. I wasn't just touching her body, I was touching her soul, I could feel her energy swirling around me, into me It was a little heady, a little overwhelming so wonderful to be so loved, so known
I pulled away, shaking.
"You have to stay away from me, Janet. I can't trust myself. I don't want to hurt you I don't want to hurt anyone. You have to lock me up or knock me out like you did when you thought I was zatarc, or at least put me in restraints. Promise me, promise me you'll keep yourself safe." Dr Lam came back over, alerted by my outburst. "Lock me up, please. I don't trust myself, I don't want to hurt anyone."
"Relax, Colonel. We have everything under control. We'll take good care of you, you won't hurt anyone, I promise," Dr Lam tried to reassure me.
"Sam!" Janet's voice was loving but firm. "Relax, I need you to relax, Sam. You didn't hurt me, I know you'd never hurt me. You aren't capable of that."
I shuddered, nodded, the anxiety attack receding leaving me exhausted and a little nauseated. "I'm sorry." Dr Lam patted my shoulder, made a notation on my chart and went to check on another patient.
"They all understand, sweetie," Janet took note of my vitals. "Just let us take care of you. Your blood pressure's a little high right now, you need to calm down. Do you think you could sleep for a while?"
"Can you stay with me a little while longer?" I asked. "Just until I fall asleep." She nodded. Reassured, I lay back against the pillows and shut my eyes, smiling as I felt her fingers card through my unruly bangs. Soothed by her touch I did manage to fall asleep.
I slept for a little over two hours, and woke restless with a manic energy that would not allow me to settle. After a toe-to-toe argument with Dr Lam she allowed me to go to the gym with an SF escort and Teal'c in attendance so that I could burn off some of this weird energy. I sparred with Teal'c for a while and then hit the treadmill keeping up a steady pace trying not to think about all the crap that had happened in the last few weeks months years. Dr Lam came to check on me after about four hours and I let her take her readings and another set of bloods, confining myself to grumbling that there was probably more of my blood in test tubes in various medical and science labs than there was in my veins about now. After she left I tried to get back into the headspace again but the spell was broken. And exercise wasn't what I needed right now.
As if she could read my mind Janet appeared in the doorway, beckoning me, what I could only describe as a 'come hither' look on her face. I was soaked in sweat and knew I probably stank to high heaven. I really needed a shower. My on-base quarters were closer than the infirmary showers and a hell of lot more private for what I had in mind.
"Teal'c I'm heading to my quarters to have a shower. I promise I'll check in with the infirmary afterwards," I said, pulling my sodden t-shirt away from my skin to highlight the problem. Well, at least the problem he could see. Since the moment I saw Janet I wanted her in the worst possible way possible given my current location and circumstances. My libido was running white hot but I didn't think that sarcophagus psychosis would be sufficient to prevent Janet and I being court-martialed if I just took her in the middle of the infirmary.
I followed her to my quarters, set the shower running whilst she undressed me, kissing along my collar bone, chasing the beads of sweat that had gathered between my breasts. She led me under the water and I just stood there for a while my forehead against the cool tiles of the wall, letting the spray pound between my shoulder blades. Then I felt her soapy hands smoothing over my skin, down my spine and over my buttocks. I felt her breasts against my back as she moved her hands over my abdomen, soaping over my breasts, paying attention to my nipples before her hand cupped my centre. I gasped as one, then two then a third finger slowly pumped in and out of me. The water was cooler now. I raised my face to the spray, just letting myself feel all the good things she was doing to me. I felt her thumb rub against my clit and then her lips touched against the dimple at the base of my spine, her other hand running over my buttocks again and between my legs, encouraging me to widen my stance a little, changing the angle of her thrusts inside me so the pad of her fingers rubbed against that sweet sweet spot every time. I saw stars and everything whited out for a moment.
"Hurry," Janet whispered. She stepped back out of the shower and I got myself together enough to quickly rinse myself off and turned off the water. As I pushed back the curtain I saw ghostly footprints on the floor, Janet's slender feet, the prints quickly evaporating off the tile. I dried myself off and then wrapped a towel around my torso, following the footprints out into the bedroom.
And then we were on the bed and I couldn't tell didn't care where I ended and she began. I couldn't get enough of her, her taste, her smell, the softness of her skin, the noises she made as she came for me, the different but no less pleasurable noises as I came for her. I was tireless and she matched me for moves, for stamina, for the outpouring of love. I needed her, needed her so badly. I burned for her and she was the sweet waters I needed to soothe me. I fell asleep in her arms, my head on her breast, her heartbeat my lullaby.
On Janet's insistence I returned to the infirmary just before Lam set the SFs on me to drag me back, made the flimsy excuse that I had fallen asleep in my quarters. Janet was busy with something across the room, winked at me when Lam's back was turned.
The manic energizer-Bunny phase lasted for three days and nights and then on the fourth day I woke feeling lethargic and groggy. It was too much trouble to move. Janet made sure that her staff kept a careful check on my vitals, which were getting more out of normal range. I had a headache and my vision was very photosensitive. Even I had the sense to admit that something was wrong with me. Dr Michaels took more blood samples. Janet took a damp washcloth and laid it across my eyes. I felt worse than after Jolinar, worse than the Light. Michaels came back and gave me an injection that eased the worst of the headache and put me back to sleep for another couple of hours.
When I woke, Janet was lying beside me, her cool fingers brushing over my temple and cheek. She was crooning what sounded like a lullaby under her breath, obviously lost in her own thoughts. I was content to just lie there next to her comforting presence, everything ached so much, my stomach had a strange fluttery feeling and I didn't want to open my eyes. I knew that any light would hurt.
"Your serotonin levels are very low, Sam," Janet said, her tone of voice very gentle. "That's one of the reasons that you're not feeling so good right now. We're going to keep you sedated to get you over the worst of the symptoms, but you should probably get up, just for a little while, maybe have something to eat."
"Nuh-oh," I moaned. The thought of food set that fluttery feeling into more of a fullscale cramp. Not so much birds fluttering in the hollow inside of me as something inside chewing its way out.
Something inside chewing its way out.
Had they checked for a Goa'uld symbiote? Thoughts of Teal'c abdominal pouch brought bile burning into my throat and mouth. I scrabbled away from Janet's comforting touch, falling out of bed onto the floor, my shaking hands ripping at the scrub top I wore to check my abdomen. Arwen could have made me a Jaffa. I remembered what Hathor had done to Colonel O'Neill. Two orderlies made a grab for me and hauled me back onto the bed. Dr Michaels was hovering over me, her hand on my shoulder helping to keep me on the bed.
"Colonel Carter, you're okay. I think you just had a flashback maybe another hallucination. You're safe in the infirmary. We've checked you over several times, there's no sign of any symbiote. You're going to be okay."
It sounded like we might have had this conversation before but I didn't remember. The panic was receding. Now I was just embarrassed. Damn withdrawal. I was shaking like a leaf and the cramps had become full blown nausea. Michaels told one of her nurses to prepare an injection of anti-nausea medication. As the nurse passed her the loaded hypo I saw her eyes flash golden. I lashed out at Michaels, knocked the hypo out of her hand.
"No . you're a Goa'uld, you're trying to poison me! I want Doctor Fraiser Janet Janet!!" I was screaming and thrashing. Three of the orderlies were holding me down now. Michaels gave up trying to reason with me and loaded me with sedatives again. The last thing I saw was Janet, standing at Michaels' side, looking so sad. I felt the touch of her fingers threading through my hair and then the sedatives shut me down.
When I next woke I was in protective restraints and was wracked with shivers, and then a few hours later I was burning up. I felt Janet's presence near me even if I did not see her. Michaels did her best to reassure me that I was safe as did Dr Lam when she came on duty. They didn't undo the restraints and I didn't ask them to.
The curtains were drawn around my bed. I could hear voices in the room beyond, see shadows moving on the fabric. And suddenly I was terrified. SHE was there. I could hear her giggle, the sound of her bare feet on the floor the muted jingle of the many anklets and bracelets. Arwen had come to claim me again. I had to escape, I had to get away. I fought against the restraints. The curtains parted, but it was Janet who came through. The paranoid fear ebbed away leaving me shaken and spent as she caressed my cheek, murmuring reassurance to me.
"It's okay, Sam. You're safe, you're safe. You're not alone. You're never alone. I'll keep you safe. I'll be with you always." One of her hands moved to my waist, finding the gap between the scrub shirt and pants I was wearing, gently stroking my bare skin. My head was on her breast, I felt her nipple harden against my cheek and turned my head slightly to nuzzle at it through her scrubs shirt. I felt all my fears and insecurities ebb away from me and fell into the first peaceful unmedicated sleep I had had for what seemed like weeks.
And when I woke I was alone, and I remembered. And it was okay.
Janet was dead. She died on P3X-666 over a year ago. I missed her, missed her so much. I will always miss her. But I knew that she loved me and she still watched over me.
"You look like you're feeling better," Dr Lam stepped round the curtain, clipboard in hand. "Your serotonin levels are back to normal and your bloods are okay." She put down the clipboard and started to undo the restraints on my wrists.
"I am feeling a lot better," I said, easing myself into a sitting position wary of the dizzy spells and my stomach rebelling as it had done so frequently over the past few days but I was fine.
I was fine.
Return to Stargate Fiction
Return to Main Page