DISCLAIMER: Star trek Voyager and all its characters
belongs completely and utterly to Paramount. Just
having a bit of fun with the characters.
RATING: don't think it really needs one but as always feel free to correct me
NOTE: I got the idea for this little thing during a bit of a boring meeting at work thinking about Quew4 'Janeway's problem'. All of a sudden I got an image of Vulcan jive bunnies in my head. Don't ask me how I made the connection between those two things. I have not got a clue.
I think I used bits and pieces other people have already used I apologise for that and hope you will like.
Unbetaed so you will have to read at your own risk;) but dedicated to a couple of great beta's.
Deck three prior to alpha shift
After getting out of bed Chakotay took a uniform out of his closet. Slowly waking up from a good night's sleep he tried to put on his trousers. Surprisingly they did not fit. The sleep now leaving his system rapidly he started tugging on his pants harder. Using all his strength he managed to pull the trousers over his ass but this resulted in him barely being able to breathe. Looking down at his feet, as well as he could, he saw the pants ends were hanging well above his feet.
`What the? Had something gone wrong when he recycled his uniform? Had Neelix's latest Delta Quadrant culinary delight caused him to gain weight over night?' Sighing he started to remove his pants. Not easy either. Putting on the uniform jacket while grabbing another set of trousers he found out that the jacket did not fit either.
The next pair of trousers were too small as well. Finally he had to conclude that all his clothes were suddenly too small for him to wear.
Doubtfully he looked himself over in the mirror. People would not think it of him but he had a bit of a vain streak. No, to the best of his knowledge he had not gained any weight.
Walking to the replicator he ordered it to replicate a uniform in his size. Within seconds a fresh, clean uniform materialised. After putting it on he felt like Tom Thumb in the overlarge clothes.
Stifling a curse he tried again, this time they were to small again. A further attempt turned out too large again. After nine attempts he was fast running out of replicator rations. What was worse the replicator would not accept the replicated clothes for recycling anymore.
Finally sending a priority message to Torres to check out his replicator he donned one of the oversized uniforms and went to his neighbour Captain Janeway. Hoping to replicate a uniform with her replicator.
After Janeway gave him permission to enter Chakotay saw the mood his superior was in. `Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.' He thought, as he realised his own mood was not much better. But that was because. With some consternation he saw all the coffee cups at Janeway's table. There were at least ten cups there. Directing a questioning look at his friend, she directed him towards her replicator with her gaze.
On the floor in front of where the replicator was supposed to be the device lay disassembled on the floor.
"What happened to your uniform, Chakotay, don't you realise you look ridicules." Janeway asked, unable to keep a smirk from her face.
He explained what had happened and smartly coming to the conclusion he would not be able to replicate a fitting uniform here either.
"It seems we have a replicator problem then. I did not have any problems replicating a uniform this morning but the damn thing just wouldn't give me a cup of coffee. I got three cups of strawberry tea. Six cups of warm milk," at this she scrunched her face, "and would you believe it two cups of mud! I guess I will have to get my coffee in the mess hall. Hopefully the replicators there are working correctly."
She almost whined as she said: "I need my coffee!"
Engineering, beginning of alpha shift.
This morning B'Elanna entered engineering still surprised by the visit she had gotten from Seven the evening before. The Borg woman had apologised for her behaviour that week and had promised she would, barring an emergency, as of that moment adhere completely to Starfleet regulations. Starting with politely requesting whether she could use engineering's diagnostic equipment to run a detailed diagnostic of the Astrometric's sensors. Flabbergasted B'Elanna had approved the request without second thought.
By now she was becoming certain that it had to be a fluke, pretty soon the ice-queen would be up to her old tricks again.
Checking her console she saw a priority message from both Chakotay and Janeway both demanding she check out the replicators on board the ship, herself and right now! Chakotay needed a uniform? O, god the Captain was out of coffee which was definitely more urgent then the Commander's uniform.
Holodeck, three hours into alpha shift
Tom Paris was running his favourite programme, Captain Proton and the weird woman. He had almost rescued Constance Goodheart, who was chained to a wall, guarded by a bad smelling monster, four the fourth time when something went wrong with his programme.
All of a sudden he had switched not only places with the holo character but clothes as well. Constance was now dressed in Proton's cool outfit - Tom's opinion- and Tom Proton was now wearing a white flimsy dress.
Constance took one look at the monster, screamed her famous scream and promptly fainted. Leaving Tom chained to the wall.
"Computer end programme." Nothing happened.
"Computer freeze programme." Nothing.
Starting to get a bit nerves the Lieutenant tried something else. "Computer open a channel to engineering."
Was this B'Elanna's revenge for sleeping with another woman? How had she found out?
Frantically Tom's tried everything he could think off but he was not freed until the Doctor came into the holodeck two hours later for his weekly golf game. Unfortunately for Tom he had his holo camera with him.
Engineering, six hours into alpha shift.
After finishing her diagnostics of the Astrometrics sensors Seven had volunteered to help in Engineering. Carefully following B'Elanna's orders to the letter.
B'Elanna thought she had somehow ended up in an alternate universe. Whenever she thought she would get an argument from the Borg she got complete co-operation. The Borg even cracked a joke or two, which had startled involuntary laughs out of B'Elanna.
Had the universe gone mad today?
`Surely this is a temporary thing.' B'Elanna thought as she watched Seven's attractive behind as the woman walked away to fetch a tool she needed. `Attractive behind? Where had that thought come from? The universe was mad.'
The Mess hall two hours into beta shift.
Neelix looked in consternation at the eggs he had planned to cook for the Captain. He had kept them in the cupboard of his galley, but instead of eggs he now looked at three little chicks, or at least the delta quadrant version of chicks. Three little purple chicks.
No eggs for the Captain today.
Torres's quarters two hours into beta shift.
There was absolutely nothing wrong with the replicators. No system's malfunction, no computer glitch. No trace of sabotage. Staring at her PADD B'Elanna was ready to yank her hair out. The Captain had been unbearable today, as she had gotten no coffee for the entire day. Questioning her every ten minutes if she had found the problem.
Chakotay though had looked positively cosmic in his way too large uniform when she got to his quarters to check out his replicator. A few hours later she had seen him again in a better fitting outfit that he had borrowed from a crewmember of similar built. It was still a bit too large for him but not the gigantors clothes he had worn that morning.
The door chime sounded. It was Seven, stifling an automatic response of irritation B'Elanna decided that after all the work Seven had done that day she deserved civil treatment from the engineer.
"I have come to offer my assistance with the replicator malfunctions. Do you require such?"
The answer was out of her mouth before she could stop herself. "Sure Seven, I would appreciate it." The truth was she would. "Here take a look at this PADD, I cannot find anything wrong."
Seven took the PADD from B'Elanna and sat down on the couch next to the engineer. Sitting so close to her that their arms touched, invading the Lieutenant's personal space.
Seven briefly glanced at B'Elanna and gave her a friendly smile, then directed her attention at the PADD.
`Why was it suddenly so warm in her quarters?' Something was really weird about this situation and the Lieutenant did not know where to look anymore. Nor did she remove herself from Seven.
Holo deck four hours into beta shift.
Tuvok was running a programme in holo deck two. It was a simple programme of a Vulcan monastery he sometimes used to meditate. He needed it, after today even his Vulcan's patience was running thin. A coffee less Janeway, an embarrassed first officer, a frantic Neelix and a humiliated Paris. The only bright spot he could see in this day was that Seven and Lt. Torres had worked together in harmony.
There were three more monks meditating in front of him and Tuvok slowly started to feel more Vulcan again. Suddenly the monks jumped up and started to jump up and down, turning all around as if bitten by sand fleas. This was followed by loud music that suddenly sounded all around him.
"Come on lets Twist again like we did last summer, Ooh lets.."
The Vulcan robes flying up and down as the priests twisted.
It was several moments before Tuvok moved. Mr. Kim and Mr. Paris were going to get a reprimand from him at tomorrow morning's briefing.
Cargo bay two four hours into beta shift.
With a bit off regret Seven had excused herself from B'Elanna as she was already late for her singing lesson with the Doctor.
The Doctor was once again trying to get her to sing opera, which she loathed.
"Just listen Seven, this composer's magnificent composition you just have to hear."
And before Seven could stop him the Doctor started to give a passionate rendering of Figaro. "Figaro, FiIIIIIIII and Bingo was his namo."
The Doctor looked in horror at Seven. He tried again. "Fig. B.I.N.G.O and Bingo was his namo."
Now horrified and close to chocks he tried something else ". mobile, - row, row, row your boat gently down the stream."
Deck three, prior to alpha shift.
The first officer stared in disbelieve at his borrowed uniform. It was too small.
The Captain desperately wondered how she was going to get through another day without coffee. B'Elanna better find an answer to the problem TODAY or she was going to hurt someone.
Paris's quarters, same time.
Tom groaned as he watched `Morning with Neelix' at the ships entertainment channel. A picture of him dressed in the white dress was enlarged and put in full display.
And what were those purple things on Neelix's lap?
Senior staff meeting, one hour into alpha shift.
As B'Elanna approached the conference room she still had no idea what the problem was. She entered the room apprehensively and was grateful that the Captain was not yet there. She had no answers for the woman.
The always-punctual Seven was already there.
As the rest of the senior staff walked into the room Seven asked the engineer who sat in front of her. "Did you have good dreams Lt?"
Now B'Elanna did not know how to respond anymore and her jaw dropped open. This was not Seven! She only managed "eh yeah, thanks."
This morning Harry Kim was the last to arrive. He stopped in his tracks as he took in the rest of his fellow officers.
Neelix had three purple creatures on the conference table in a basket in front of him. Chakotay wore a uniform fit for Godzilla. The Captain was staring wishfully at the room's replicator. Four mugs in front of her. B'Elanna was eyeing Seven as if the woman had sprouted horns. Tom and the Doctor just stared into empty space and Tuvok cast a disapproving glance in his direction.
`What was going on?'
Uncertainly he made his way to his seat. When he sat down a loud PRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT came from under him.
"Harry!" an easily irritated Captain scolded. "Do you think you can do that in your bathroom next time?"
"But, but." stammered the red faced Ensign, "I. I."
"Safe it. I am not in the mood." The Captain shut up the innocent Ensign.
Tuvok looked at everyone in the room, taking note of every ones behaviour. He quickly revised his earlier conclusions and no longer considered the embarrassed Lieutenant and Ensign as suspects for tampering with his holo programme.
"Seven, would you care to enlighten us all?" he asked the former drone.
Having been found out by her teacher Seven could no longer keep from laughing out loud. She was rolling around laughing Seven style, after ten minutes she could finally explain a few things.
"Just before Mezoti left she stated that although I was an acceptable parent I did not know how to have fun like Mr. Kim. She said that I had to make fun of you in a none harming way. I thought this was a waste of time but before she left she asked me one last favour, I had to honour that request. I played pranks on you all."
Seven started laughing again. When she calmed a bit.
"It was indeed fun. I played jokes on all of you." More guffaws. "I transported the commanders uniforms out of his room and altered their size. And programmed the replicators so that they would not give him correct sized uniforms. I also removed the recipe for coffee from the database. I regret doing so now as I should not have put the rest of the ship in the Captains way."
"It was also easy to reprogram Tuvok's holo programme."
"Mr. Neelix I reactivated the latent DNA in the eggs, therefore you now have three pets. I will take them of your hands if they are to trouble some."
"That is okay Seven I am starting to like the little critters." Neelix stared fondly at Its, Pits and Dids as he had named the three chicks.
Seven continued her explanation "Mr. Kim I embedded a music player in your seat. It was programmed to `fart' as you sat down."
Harry laughed weakly. It seemed he had gotten off easy.
"Doctor I reprogrammed you musical subroutines. I will rectify this today and I promise not to do so again." The Doctor stared, he could not believe his best friend had done this to him.
Tom jumped up angrily. "You had to humiliate me in front of the entire crew!!" he shouted.
Now the mirth left Seven of Nine completely. "Since I have no interest in you I would have left you alone. However since I caught you sleeping with lt. Delany, I thought you deserved a lesson. I do not understand how you can cheat on lt. Torres this way. You are obviously unworthy of a person of her standard."
B'Elanna jumped up; "You P.Taq, You slime ball, you what!!!!!!!!!"
Both Seven and Tuvok were necessary to control the angry Engineer.
Janeway took charge: "Tom you had better leave."
The helmsman left as quickly as he could. He valued his life.
"Seven after you have corrected all your `jokes', starting with the coffee recipes, you will be confined to cargo bay two for two days. Everyone else, dismissed."
Cargo bay two three hours into beta shift.
Voyager's chief engineer hesitated before entering the Cargo Bay. Yesterday she would have just walked in there without second thought. Somehow that seemed inappropriate now. However the room lacked a door chime. Hitting her comm. badge B'Elanna hailed Seven. "Seven may I come in?"
"Of course lieutenant."
Upon entering and finding the Borg turned to her B'Elanna got straight to the point. "I wanted to thank you for keeping my ass out of the brig."
Seven nodded "You are welcome lt."
"I mean it Seven. If you had not done this and I had found out otherwise I would have seriously hurt the bastard. Now, I can't think of a better way to pay him back."
Curious B'Elanna asked a question that had been on her mind the entire day.
"Tom's behaviour? Is that why you did not play a prank on me? Giving our history together I would think I would have been your first victim."
Seven started laughing again; "You are wrong Lieutenant. I did play a joke on you."
Frowning the engineer tried to think of what that could have been and came up with nothing. On the contrary if anything the Borg had gone out of her way to be nice to her.
"Did you not find my co-operation disconcerting?" Seven asked a smirk very visible on her beautiful face. "I believe you were continually `thrown of base'. Were you not? I deduced this was the best way for me to play a prank on you."
That was true enough, B'Elanna recalled every time she had felled like the universe had gone crazy every time Seven had acted in her uncharacteristic way. Seven had indeed played her well.
Instead of being angry she felt relieved. "I am glad to hear it. I was already starting to miss our little fights."
Again Seven smirked: "As was I."
"Can I invite you for diner tonight, Seven. I would like to properly thank you for getting Pig Paris out of my life. And then we can argue some more."
"Acceptable, but I have been confined to the cargo bay for two days."
"Oh, I am certain now the replicators are working correctly again something decent will come out of it. No coffee though, I don't want to think about that stuff for the next three days. You could not have played something different on the Captain? The whole ship had to suffer thanks to you."