DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters, no infringement intended.
SERIES: Part of the 'Femslash Advocacy Group' series of spoofs.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
SPOILERS: Season two finale of Once Upon a time.
FEEDBACK: To ralst31[at]yahoo.co.uk

From the Jolly Roger to the F.A.G.
By ralst


The meeting had been on the verge of descending into chaos, on schedule, when the threats of bodily harm and fight for the gavel at the front of the room were interrupted by the sound of two women bickering.

"We sailed off together on a ship, Regina, you can't get more canon than that," spat the blonde.

The sultry looking brunette rolled her eyes. "Your parents," she said, with all the warm of an iceberg, "were the ones cuddling together on the ship, Ms Swan, not us."

"Oh, God, not that again." Emma Swan, oblivious to the stares of irritation their late arrival had caused, sat down in the first vacant seat. "What did you expect me to do? I couldn't exactly jump you with my parents and that creep Gold less than ten feet away."

Regina scowled at the femslash characters she past daring them to comment on her less than dry appearance; after all, they hadn't been the ones forced to jump ship in order to make the damn meeting. "Why not?" She took the seat next to Emma. "Are you ashamed of me?" A collective 'Ohhh' went around the room as the spectacle of attorney-on-bard violence lost some of its appeal in comparison to the latest would-be-scandal developing.

"No!" There was a short pause. "Well, you did try and kill them, and there was that whole curse thing..." Emma registered the looks of 'you idiot' aimed in her direction by the people in the next row, who had all turned in their seats for a better view, and appeared to be taking bets on the likelihood of her making it to the end of the meeting with her love life intact. "Not that I blame you for that... Well, I mean, it was your fault, but I recognise that there were extenuating circumstances, and my mom really needs to learn to keep her big mouth shut, and all, but really, a curse? Couldn't you have just cut off her cable or something?"

The comment forced even Alex and Gabrielle to disengage from their mutual stranglehold and shake their heads in despair.

"Oh, why didn't I think of that?" Regina looked ready to kill; not that unusual, for the so-called Evil Queen, but still somewhat unnerving for those members of the group whose fandom didn't include a horror component. "So, what you're saying, in essence, is that I over reacted and, subsequently, you're ashamed to be seen with me. Am I correct?"

Every single woman seated in the row in front of Emma started shaking her head in the negative and, for once, Emma took the clue she was being hit over the head with. "Of course not." She risked putting a hand on Regina's thigh. "I'm proud to be with you, you know that." The women in the row in front nodded encouragingly. "It's just that... Well... It's kinda hard to get my groove on while my father is having to restrain my mother from strangling you with her bare hands."

A few muttered 'mothers-in-law' circulated around the room and brought with them a new sense of understanding and sympathy for the couple.

"She's only tried to do that once... Possibly four times," Regina countered, with an odd touch of respect for Snow White's restraint. "I don't see that as any reason for you to ignore me for the entire voyage and then pretend that simply being on a 'ship' together makes us canon."

The canon pairings in the room nodded in agreement while the subtext ones scowled and wondered if they could persuade someone in the script department to have their entire next episode filmed on the Queen Mary.

"Regina, we have a son together, have crazy eye-sex together, and are now on a frigging ship together, how much more canon can we get?" The former Mayor of Storybrooke raised a brow that spoke volumes. "Okay, sure, we could do that, but do you really think it would get past the sensors? Especially with the way you like to -"

"A kiss, Ms Swan, a simple kiss would suffice," Regina interrupted, much to the chagrin of their audience. "Or even a declaration of affection."

It was all any of the women of the FAG wanted, really, but so few ever saw that need realised on the screen. Theirs was a world of stolen glances and hidden meanings, where they were forced to grin and bear it as the love of their life was compelled to share the intimacies they craved with another. It was the reason they needed these stupid group meetings and why, after countless brawls and arguments, they came back week after week.

Emma's shoulders slumped. "I want to, Regina, you know I do, but... I can't." It wasn't her parents or creepy Mr. Gold or even the pirate with the mascara fetish, it was the damn producers, in their ivory towers, messing with their lives and refusing to give them the happy endings they really craved. "I'm sorry."

The dejected apology forced the women in the row in front to redirect their gaze and the former Evil Queen soon found herself being given unsubtle and somewhat confusing signals. "What!" she snapped, at the wildly gesturing woman directly in front of her.

"Give her a cuddle," said Scribbs.

Regina ignore the stupid woman, but put her arms around Emma all the same. "I know you do," she said, depositing a chaste kiss to the blonde's cheek. "Perhaps, together, we could work some magic on the fools in charge and force them to give us what we want?"

"Really?" A smile blossomed on Emma's face, before being eclipsed by suspicion. "My mom keeps her head though, right? Right?"

Regina shrugged, the smirk on her face her only answer, as she settled back in her chair and prepared for the normal business of the FAG to begin.

The End

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