DISCLAIMER: Dick Wolf and NBC own the rights to Law and Order: SVU. No money is being made, and no harm is intended.
SPOILERS: None, but this fic assumes an established relationship between Alex and Olivia.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
I'm pacing up and down the emergency room. A nurse walks by and gives me a sympathetic look. She smiles slightly, perhaps in an attempt to calm me down. I want to slap that smile right off her face.
I glance over at Elliot, who seems unusually interested in his shoes. He looks up at me and I see the panic in his face.
"Alex," he mumbles, "She'll be...she's gonna make...Liv's strong...she's got to..."
His words trail off and he goes back to contemplating his shoes. A phone at the nurse's desk rings and I nearly jump out of my skin. The phone call I received earlier replays in my head like a bad movie...
"Alex, this is Cragen."
"I had a messenger take the warrant over a few hours ago, Captain. If you haven't received..."
"No Alex," he cut me off mid-sentence. "We got the warrant. Elliot asked me to call you. There was a problem..."
"Alex, Olivia's been hurt, the perp had a gun and they thought..."
I barely caught the rest. The next thing I knew the cab driver was stopping at St. Vincent's. Apparently my mind had gone on autopilot
Now I'm here, in this room, at the breaking point. My heart is racing in my chest and my head is overloading with thoughts. She's everything to me. Does she even know? Did I remember to kiss her goodbye this morning? I know I always do, but for some reason I can't recall this morning. Could I have possibly forgotten? Does she have any idea how much I love her? How I see her face every time I close my eyes? How intoxicated I get from her smell, her touch, her taste. And now I can't even remember if I kissed her goodbye.
I can feel myself beginning to crumble. Be strong, Alex, breathe. Elliot glances up. His jaw is set in a hard line but his eyes are shiny and wet. I keep breathing, slow deliberate breaths. My panic gradually subsides and numbness sets in.
I'm not sure how much time has passed. At some point Cragen and Munch have come to sit with us. I vaguely remember Fin being there but I don't see him now. Everyone is talking softly, as though Olivia's condition depends entirely on the din of their conversation. I want to scream.
The doctor appears at the threshold of the waiting room. Everyone immediately jumps to their feet. I stay in my seat, feet rooted to the floor. Even from here I can see how grey his face is. Ashen.
The next few seconds go in slow motion.
"D-doctor?" Elliot stammers. "My partner, Olivia Benson? Is s-she okay?"
Giving him the quick once over the doctor asks softly, "Is there a next of kin present?"
The room begins to spin. I close my eyes and can't remember if I'm sitting or standing. Cragen is explaining to the doctor who we are. Someone's arm is around me. I can't stop shaking. I hear the doctor speaking, but for some reason he is barely audible.
"...lost a lot of blood. Even if we had gotten to her sooner, I doubt it would have a made a difference. She fought very hard, but there is only so much the body can take. I'm so sorry for your loss."
I am frozen. The words resound in my head. She's gone. My Olivia...my world, gone. I don't remember kissing her goodbye.
Someone is screaming at the doctor, hammering Elliot with her fists and sobbing uncontrollably. It's only when she sinks to the ground I realize it's me.
Again there is an arm around me. This time when I moan her name I swear I hear her voice.
Someone is shaking me.
Rich chocolate eyes are hovering over mine. I can almost feel her there with me, but she's not. She's gone. Forever.
I forget doctor, the hospital, the SVU squad. I can't stop myself. I'm screaming or crying, it's hard to tell.
"Olivia, Olivia, I'm so sorry! I love you so much. Please, please..."
Someone is shaking me again.
"Alex, stop. It's not real. Alex!"
The hospital disappears as I open my eyes. I am in our bed and she is here next to me.
"Alex, I've been trying to wake you for the better part of fifteen minutes. It's okay sweetheart, I'm right here."
"I...I was so scared, Liv." I moan quietly. "I couldn't remember if I kissed you goodbye...you got shot...I can't lose you Liv."
Her lips on mine stop my whimpering. She pulls me close and holds me until I stop shaking. When I can breathe again she whispers quietly.
"You won't lose me Alex. I'm yours forever."
I rest my head on her chest and listen to her heart beating. When she falls back asleep I watch the olive skin of her stomach rise and fall in an easy rhythm. I study her face intensely, commiting every detail to my memory. She's so peaceful when she's sleeping.
"I love you Olivia."
Wrapped safely in her arms I slowly drift into sleep.
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