DISCLAIMER: Rizzoli & Isles and its characters are the property of Tess Gerritsen, Janet Tamaro and TNT television network. Lyrical content from Florence + The Machine's 'Blinding'; 'Girl With One Eye'; and 'Hardest of Hearts'.
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Kiss With A Fist
No More Dreaming Like A Girl
"What are you doing here?" Jane hissed, sliding up behind Maura at the bar.
"Does this mean you're talking to me?" Maura asked, eager optimism in her voice. She'd missed Jane this last week. She'd missed beer and wine and yoga and running and dinner. She even missed the brunette's crankiness. If Jane was talking to her again, it meant things could go back to before.
"No - I'm just asking what you're doing here. I didn't ask you to come."
"Oh." Isles worked to keep the wounded tone from her voice. "I was unaware I needed your invitation to share a drink with colleagues. I'll keep that in mind."
"You're not here with colleagues -" Jane pointed out.
"Actually, Jane, I am." The bartender handed over two pints of dark beer. "Korsak invited me. Thank you." She flashed a smile to the bartender and placed some bills down, careful not to get them wet from the spilled beer that seemed to cover most of the surface.
"Yeah, probably so you'd buy his beer." Jane snorted as she leaned on the bar and motioned for another two of whatever Maura and Korsak were drinking. "Besides, you don't drink stouts." She nodded towards the Guinnesses in her friend's hands.
"Are you sure you're not talking to me Jane, because it sounds like you are."
"Trust me, I'm not."
"I wish there was a way I could know when you're talking to me and when you're not. Like the Berkeley Building Beacon."
"It's called the Old John Hancock, and there's no need. It would always be stuck at - not talking. Ever."
"It's called the Berkeley Building. John Hancock moved out in 1977." Maura turned around and and made her way to the back of the bar where Korsak was stilling with a bunch of other guys from the squad.
"Hey, they scored the back table," Frost pointed out, coming up beside her.
"No. Really?" Jane snarked, shoving a glass towards him before she stalked over the table.
"Thanks for grabbing my beer?"
She told me not to step on the cracks
I told her not to fuss and relax
"So, are you ever going to talk to me?" The voice of Maura Isles followed behind her as she made her way to the bar's single stall ladies room.
"Not if I can help it." Jane responded, as she pushed open the door "And this is a one person job, Maura, I think I got it from here."
Never one to leave matters as is, Isles followed behind her, and leaned against the door, "You're never going to talk to me? Ever?" She asked again, her lips curving into a slight smile, her light eyes zeroing in on Jane's dark ones. She was trying another tactic. If banter and beer wouldn't return her friend to her, then perhaps something else would.
"No." Jane said. as she rinsed off her hands then dried them on her thighs. "Now move."
"Maura, come on."
"You want me to move so badly? Make me." She challenged, her voice dropping, her chin rising.
"Don't be a child, come on."
"I'm not being a child."
"Yes, you are. Now move out of my way." Jane reached out a hand towards the door but found herself too close to Maura's hip for comfort and snatched back her hand.
"It's ok to touch me, Jane." Maura whispered, taking her friend's hand and placing it on her hip. She watched as the brunette closed her eyes when their skin touched. She smelled Maura's hand lotion before she felt it run through her long hair and end up lightly on her back. It was the astringent smell of rosemary and lemon. Maura had mentioned once how it was one the only things that would get rid of the chalky scent of latex gloves. On anyone else it would've been too sharp, too severe, but on Maura Isles, with her curves and curls, it was just...right. Jane felt her resolve waver with the waft of Maura's hand cream. She opened her eyes, and what little strength she had crumbled when she found herself locking into Maura's hazel-flecked eyes. It was the first time she'd looked at her, really looked at her, since that night she had come over. Her hair, her make up, her clothes were all in place, yet there was a weariness that was new - a sense of abandonment that matched the one Jane knew was in her own eyes as well.
Without thinking Jane Rizzoli leaned forward and buried her face in the crook of Maura Isles' neck and took a deep breath. She could only see hair, but she felt the stress of the last few weeks start to drop away, muscle by muscle. "I missed you." She mumbled into her friend's ear, feeling Isles' laughter more than she could hear it. It was warm in Maura's arms. And soft. And safe. In a way, she felt protected during moments like this - Jane would shelter and soften the blows to the other woman when they were with others - but when they were alone, that always seemed to change, and with a smile, or glance Maura would take over the role of protector from Jane, and would take responsibility for keeping the Hoyts and snakes at bay. "I missed you." Maura repeated, stroking Rizzoli's hair. Jane pulled back to look at Isles, expecting to find her best friend standing in front of her - instead however she faced with Maura Isles - a woman. A woman who at this moment was the most beautiful woman she'd seen. From the back of Jane's mind a familiar fog began to roll over and cloud her senses.
Maura felt something shift between them. Jane's eyes went from dark brown to black - she'd seen this before - that night they first - well - for lack of a better word, fucked. It wasn't love - it was too soon, too remorseful, too aggressive and hesitant for it to have been called 'making love'. And they didn't have sex - sex as a word was impersonal. Non-descript. Lacked an emotional resonance. Maura was excellent at sex because of that - it was a series of physical acts to be performed. There was definitely an emotional component to that night otherwise it wouldn't have hurt so badly to have been cut off from her friend. And if she acknowledged this, then that's what she'd be continuing to do - remove any chance of reuniting with her friend. And if that meant walking away now, to save the friendship - so be it. Maura turned around to face the door, but felt Jane's grasp tighten on her hip. "I should go." Maura spoke softly, stepping back to open the door and straight into Jane's body. She felt her body begin to tingle - knowing what was coming.
"Yeah," Jane answered, her free hand brushing Maura's hair off to one side, exposing her shoulder and her neck. "Your uh, trapezius ok?" She asked, staring down at the expanse of shoulder and neck she'd cleared. It was defined, strong, but delicate. How Maura did that was always amazing to her - even holding a deadly weapon, or tumbling on the mats during a sparring match - she looked...disarmingly delicate. "It's fine." Was Isles' short response. Both women remained silent. Jane was aware (very aware) just how close she was to tumbling down that rabbit hole that was Maura Isles. She was also a little scared by how easily it'd be to let go and fall through - just let go of everything and every thought and everyone except for Maura. It was like standing on the edge of the diving board, staring down at the water - but needing that final push. "If you're gonna leave, you should leave now." Jane stated. The choice was in Maura's hands - it was better that way, she was smarter about stuff like this, wasn't she? She counted to five.
Maura didn't move a muscle. Jane reached out her free hand and slid the lock of the bathroom shut.
I slipped my hand under her skirt
I said don't worry, it's not gonna hurt
To say that Jane hadn't thought about that night would be a lie. A major one. She had regrets, and if she was honest with herself, it was regrets about what she didn't have the courage to do, to try, to discover. With her left hand still on Maura's hip, she drew the lighter haired woman closer, until their bodies were touching at every available point - she lowered her head and with a light touch took Maura's earlobe in her teeth and tugged - hard. She remembered this about Maura and her body - she needed something a little more - a little pain, or a little roughness to get through to her. Maura gasped rolled her head back, resting it on Jane's shoulder as Jane released her earlobe and moved her lips to her neck, working their way up and down the tense muscles. Jane could feel Maura's hips moving, slowly, side to side as if she was unable to contain the nervous energy in her body. "You know," Jane began, whispering in her ear, "There's a lot I'd like to do to you right now..."
"Oh really?" Maura responded, turning around in the other woman's arms, facing her now "Like what?" Maura was unable to think clearly. The proximity of Jane's mouth to hers, that cocky grin, the fact that her body felt cooler now that it wasn't pressed up to her friend's was all distracting. Hydrogen. Also distracting her was the anticipation for Jane's hands that was spreading out over her skin. And the fact that she was probably ruining another pair of panties for the sake of Jane Rizzoli. Hydrogen. Helium. "Do you want me to tell you," Jane began, pushing her against the door of the women's room, "Or did you want me to show you?" Jane began to tug at the silky fabric of Maura's silk shirt and then slid her hand up, taking one of Maura's breasts in her hand. Maura took a sharp breath. Helium. Lithium. She needed to focus. Lithium. She needed to focus. Her mind went back to the one familiar place she knew. Beryllium. She began to mentally recite the periodic table of elements. Boron. She felt Jane squeeze hard enough to cause Maura to flinch - arching her back and take another sharp breath. Jane's other hand slid down to her backside and began to run up and down, the curves - Carbon - "No response Maura?" Jane teased, "This might be the first time you don't answer a question..."
Jane's hand began to grab handfuls of Maura's woolen skirt and pulled upwards, gathering the fabric in bunches at her waist. Her fingers began to trace the softness of her thigh and hips, teasing the hem of the lacy panties that barely covered Maura.
One thing Jane regretted was leaving Maura's panties on her their first night - it felt safer, at the time, as if that little piece of black lace made it alright. Her finger caught the hem of the panties this time slipped under them, she followed the edge across Maura's muscular thigh and towards her center. Careful to have only the barest contact with Maura's sensitive skin beneath the fabric, Jane hooked her finger through the bottom of the fabric and with a grin towards Isles, tugged. Hard. The thin garment ripped with small pop of the seams. The act of marking something of Maura's as hers thrilled her and gave her the courage needed to let go and tumble down that rabbit hole.
Maura didn't think she could speak. She was having a hard enough time forming coherent thoughts, let alone having the muscle control to move her mouth, her vocal cords. She didn't know what was going on with her. Sex was never this...disorienting. Even with Jane the last time, she was able to keep her wits about her, every move she'd made was deliberate and exact, acted up to bring about and heighten the sense of pleasure for Jane. But now - she saw the gleam in Rizzoli's eyes as she snapped the seams... Wait... She watched helplessly as Jane pushed her back against the door and got down upon her knees. She nudged Maura's legs apart with her nose and -
Maura Isles needed oxygen. She felt Jane's tongue slip gently between her outer lips and suddenly she couldn't breath. Her right hand flew against the door; her left found it's way through Jane's hair, digging into her scalp, holding her near. She felt Jane's strokes getting deeper, wider - exploring the tight, wet folds of her body. Without stopping, Jane eased Maura's leg off the ground and let it rest upon her shoulder. Whatever access which was previously denied was granted and Jane found Maura's clit. Maura's eyes closes and her head rolled back against the wall.
Jane's biggest regret from the previous night was not the panties, or that she kicked Maura out, or that she hadn't put on a clean bra or any of the half-a-dozen mindless morning after concerns, but that she hadn't tasted Maura. She wanted to - but the thought seemed too drastic, too intimate. A couple of fingers, some friction was one thing - but using her mouth on her friend was so far beyond crossing the line to Jane that she didn't even try. But she could smell Maura on her fingers the next morning and couldn't help but think what it'd have been like and what she'd taste like. Would she be spicy and familiar like her scent, or sweet and crisp? Or some entirely new flavor that Jane couldn't even fathom? Jane, though swearing she'd never let herself be put in a place to find out swore that if she was ever in a place to find out, would find out. Which explains why she was now on her knees on the bathroom of the bar around the block from the police station with her head in between Dr. Maura Isles' legs. Maura's hips kept moving in rhythm to Jane's mouth, desperately trying to allow Jane more access. Jane smiled - she may not be able to do a lot for Isles, but she could definitely get her off. Jane slowed her tongue's strokes down and focused on Maura's clit instead, taking the swollen bud into her mouth and holding it in place with the tips of her teeth while her tongue flicked across it. From the rapid movements of her hips, Jane knew Maura was close - and she was glad - as good as she thought she was becoming at this, it was hard work. Enjoyable. Fucking sexy as hell. But hard work. She felt Maura's grip on her hair contract and release in the same rhythm of Jane's mouth. Her hand let go of Isles' hip and snaked its way between the spread out legs - without warning, Jane slid two fingers into Maura's eager body. Instantly her entire body clenched around her fingers - "More." Maura whispered. "Please." Jane obliged, forcing a third into Maura. There was that element of discomfort. Jane curled her fingers, hoping to hit that soft spot of Maura's that - Isles' breath became labored. There it was.
Maura's entire body froze as she came. She was silent and still as every nerve in her body and every sense she possessed blacked out.
The first thing she became aware of was the feeling of the rolls of her skirt digging uncomfortably into her back and of Jane wiping her mouth across her thigh. She felt Jane ease her leg down off her shoulder. Eventually Maura was able to open her eyes. She could see Jane back up on her feet, brushing off her knees. Soon she could hear the running water hit the sink as Jane washed her hands and then her mouth. "Jane," Maura tried to choke out, her voice catching in her dry throat. She made her way to the sink on unsteady legs.
Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs
Jane backed away as she watched Maura take a sip from a cool handful of water. She didn't know what she thought would happen when the fog rolled back from her mind, returning her to sanity here in the small, shabby washroom where she just fucked her best friend. Was she even her best friend anymore? Would she ever be? She now knew what that woman looked like, sounded like, felt like, tasted like. Would she ever be able to look at her without the urge to duplicate those sounds and sights? She watched as Maura stepped back from the sink and Jane returned. She needed something to snap out of this. Put some sense back into her.
"Jane," Maura whispered - her reflection watching as she splashed some cold water on her face.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Can you just -"
"I said I don't want to talk about it." Jane dried her face on the hem of her t-shirt and walked over to the door and unlocked it. "I'm going out first," She spoke to the door, unable to look at Maura, with her skirt still semi-hiked and the confusion in her eyes. "Just wait a couple of minutes before you come out." Jane walked out of the room, the door closing softly behind her.
"Hold me." Maura finished.
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world
Maura quickly pulled down her skirt and tucked her shirt back into place. She took a deep breath and practiced smiling in the mirror. She would go out, gather her things, and demand Jane walk her to her car - giving them a chance to speak about what just happened. She shook her hair back into place and smiled once more, smoothing her shirt as she walked out back into the bar.
Maura worked to keep the smile on her face as she returned to the table. "Did I miss anything?" She asked as she sat down.
"Not much," DuMott, another officer from the squad answered, "Korsak and Frost are playing darts to see who's stuck with the next round."
"And it looks like Rizzoli's gonna get lucky tonight." Mickey Montoya chuckled, looking at Maura's direction.
"What do you mean?" She stammered, fighting the blush from her body from reaching her cheeks. They couldn't have known. They weren't gone that long, plenty of women went to the bathroom together and... She noticed the guys gaze landing just past her and she twisted in her chair to see what they were looking at. She really wished she hadn't looked over her shoulder. She really wished she hadn't come to the bar, or followed Jane to the bathroom, or that she hadn't accepted the position at Boston PD when there were so many other offers to choose from. But mainly she really wished she hadn't looked over her shoulder.
Well, her pretty little face stopped me in my tracks
But now she sleeps with one eye open
That's the price she paid
Jane could feel everyone's eyes on her. Well, she could definitely feel Maura's. She did everything to not look at their general direction and instead focused on Tom Brannon's blue eyes. Tom was cute. He was a contractor. He offered to buy her a drink. He didn't have a wedding ring (or any marks from a quickly removed ring either). He seemed nice, and Jane was pretty sure she could take him out if things got out of hand. "You know Tom," She leaned over, putting a hand on his hard thigh. "It's really loud in here."
"It is?" He asked,
"Yeah. Why don't we go over to your place?"
"Oh. Ok. If you're sure it's what you want."
"Trust me," She said, flashing him what she hoped was a charming smile, "It is."
Tom tossed a couple of bills onto the bar and grabbed his jacket and wrapped his arm around Jane's waist. "Let's go!"
They made their way out of the bar, Jane pretending not to hear the squad's catcalls and cheers behind her. She was going to get shit from the guys for this for a long, long time. If it worked, it would be worth it. Tom dropped her off at her car and gave her quick instructions how to get to his place, she'd follow him - but just in case she got lost. Jane got in her car and swung it around in the parking lot. As she waited for Tom to pull out, she couldn't help herself, she gave the bar a final look. She could see Maura at the table. She couldn't see the look on her face, but knew she was hurt and confused. She didn't have to see Maura's eyes to see it - it was evident in the way she bent her head to one side, as if she physically changed her perspective, it would all make sense. She felt guilty all over again for doing that to Maura. She put that spin on Maura's world that made her have to turn everything on it's side to examine it and make it all fit together. She knew she could remove the hurt, at least relieve most of it - except that she couldn't. She wasn't strong enough. She was tired and she didn't want to have to protect Maura tonight, to take care of her, explain to her that she didn't know what the hell she was doing half the time and that that she was -
Tom honked his car horn to get her attention, pulling her out of her thoughts... There she went down the rabbit hole again. As she followed his lead down the street, Jane Rizzoli decided it was time to climb out of it for once and for all.
And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back
Cos all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken
Maura had made it through the periodic table twice (omitting oxygen both times as that particular element was entirely too complicated to think about) by the time she got home. She made her way to her bathroom and flipped on the lights and turned on the shower. She didn't like to shower at night. It was disruptive and it made her hair lumpy. But given the events of tonight, she wanted to wash every trace of Jane Rizzoli off of her body. She shed her shirt, skirt and the remains of her panties straight into the garbage. It was a shame as she really liked that blouse, it had a Katharine Hepburn in the late 40's look to it that she adored. Korsak said it looked 'naughty librarian' whatever that meant. She hung her bra up and made a mental note to buy another set of panties to complete the set. She liked these thoughts. They proved that she was back in a state where she was functional and in charge of her own actions. She would get through this. She would. She did when all the kids decided not to talk to her for the entirety of Grade 10; she did when she discovered her college roommate was stealing her homework; and she did when her parents forgot her 16th birthday. Maura Isles was nothing if not resilient.
Maura stepped into the shower and turned the dial to near scalding temperatures. She could see the symbolism behind it, attempting to sterilize her body from Jane's touches. It didn't prevent her from scrubbing every last inch of her flesh until she was red (except her face; she had a strict exfoliating schedule and it wouldn't do any of them any good if her face got all red and puffy). She dried herself off and promptly went to bed, willing herself not to think about Jane Rizzoli, or who she went off with, or what they were doing, or what happened minutes before in the washroom or - Maura paused and amended her previous edict. She would will herself not to think. About anything. About the ache in her chest, or the - Lawrencium. She began, backwards this time. Nobelium. With the Actinide Series (otherwise known as the B-Team of elements). Mendelevium. Hoping that she'd be able to pretend she didn't feel the build of tears. Fermium. She supposed this feeling was what others called emptiness, but Maura didn't understand why. Einsteinium. She didn't feel empty. She felt overwhelmed and brimming with questions and confusion and all sorts of other emotions. But not empty.
Maybe empty wouldn't have been so bad?
There is love in your body but you can't get it out
It gets stuck in your head, won't come out of your mouth
Jane was nowhere near the neighborhood, but still - that's where she ended up. Across the street at Maura's house. The lights were out as they should be. It was 4.28 in the morning after all. The time when all the good and decent people were asleep. And Maura was good, except for when she wasn't, and those times had been fun too. Jane thought as she turned the key and slowly drove off.
She didn't want to go home just yet. She supposed she could've stayed at Tom's but it would've been too awkward. Too needy. She was Jane Rizzoli, she laughed, resident badass and crankypants. She didn't need anyone. Ever. She needed coffee, beer and bad guys. And baseball. She added. She needed baseball. She didn't need anyone though. She steered her car to the one place that she knew she could go to. Work. Sure, she thought, sometimes a hug from her mom was nice, and it always made her happy when her dad called her his little girl, not that she'd ever, ever admit that. But she didn't necessarily need that. She made her way through the near empty hallways. It was almost five, the night shift was fighting to stay away for that last hour, and it was too early for even the early birds to be up and awake. She was lucky - the bunk room on the third floor was empty. She didn't bother to turn on the lights. She just went to the cots and curled up, hoping for at least a few hours of sleep. The room smelt of sweat and cheap aftershave. The blankets that no one really used were ancient and rough. The joke was that they were the only thing older thank Korsak. The room smelt nothing like Maura's hair when she was curled up under her. The bed wasn't as soft as the one in Maura's guest room, with the fluffy pillows and blankets. Jane turned on her other side. She wasn't going down this path - if she started, she'd get no sleep. She'd even take the floor again if it meant that she'd get her life back. She knew she fucked things up. Royally. She did. In fact, it was what she always did. Nothin' if not consistent, she smirked. But what she didn't know was how things would be set right. At this point, she didn't even know what 'set right' would look like.
Perhaps it was time to call in the big guns - after all, didn't her mother always mutter something about St. Jude in times like this?
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