He's Dumb; She's a Lesbian
Recap by Misty Flores
We open up with a montage from Curtis, who sits in the bullpen as he ruminates on the ideals of unrequited love.
CURTIS [VO]: In 1924 a doctor by the name of Francois Boisent listed one by one every physical and mental symptom that occurs when someone falls in love. At first, Boisent affirmed, "the person in love has numerous symptoms similar to a sickness. They're feverish, their pupils dilate, they have chills, sweat, high temperature and the loss of their mental facilities."
The worst of love comes those first few days like a cold, but an amazing one, until the patient becomes accustomed to the presence of the person they love. After that, the symptoms, instead of succeeding, multiply.
The person in love loses his appetite. He passes his nights in nervous tensión and isolation, and although the partient understands what's happening, there's no antibiotic he can take that will make it better.
We see glimpses of the episode to come – Mariano with his concubines, Aitor staring at sleeping Sara, and lastly, we see Curtis glance up to discover the new object of HIS affections, PEPA, descending the staircase.
CURTIS [VO]: Life without the person they love becomes a living hell. For the person affected, recuperation could take days or turn into a chronic illness – in an anxious state for the rest of his life.
Curtis watches, entranced as Pepa makes her way down the stairs, looking obliviously gorgeous as she winks hello to someone and moves by Curtis, unaware of his smitten stare.
Curtis is snapped out of it when Kike slams his hands on the desk.
KIKE: You look like a lost dog, salivating at his prey. … Have you talked to her yet?
CURTIS: No. No, No.
DL SCREAMS at them from the landing to go find Sara and Aitor and bring them to the precinct. They take off to do so.
Sara's Apartment
Aitor daydreams feverishly that Sara is seducing him, but snaps out of it when she reads his temperature as they recover from the car crash of the previous episode. Aitor has taken the worst of the injuries. She fusses over him.
Curtis knocks and tells them that DL wants them at the precinct in twenty minutes. He leaves, looking suspicious
Sara helps Aitor put his shirt on.
THE BRIEFING ROOM
Montoya sits up front while the crowd gathers for the morning briefing. While Aitor and Sara take a seat in the back, Curtis casts longing looks at Pepa, who engages in chitchat with Rita.
DL comes in.
DL: Hello, good morning.
MONTOYA: Good morning.
DL: Sit with the others, please.
Montoya does so, and Povedilla notices Rita making sure to clear the desk for Montoya.
DL starts in with a sarcastic recap of the last two episodes, explaining the hijinks with Mariano and Paco at the Palace, and also the car chase/sniper incident with Aitor and Sara.
DL: Would anyone like to tell me who gave the greenlight to conduct these investigations?
No one answers.
MEANWHILE
In Beirut, Paco and Mariano struggle with their camel, who sits down everytime they stop.
AT THE BRIEFING
Aitor says that he doesn't think they should have to explain every little thing to DL. DL TEARS into him. The reprimand is harsh, and Pepa and the others shift uneasily in their seats as DL makes a fool of Aitor and tells him to sit down.
DL wants to know why no one informed him of this mission. Montoya takes the fall for the team, telling him it was his error and he didn't inform DL. DL blasts him too. Pepa breaths out unsteadily as DL announces that the case will be handed over to the Anti-Terrorism unit.
Montoya protests but DL tells them that they have rules to keep everyone alive. The case is being handed over.
He dismisses them. As they go, Curtis once again stares at Pepa, who gives him a friendly smile before she heads out.
DL stops Sara and pleads with her to be careful. He tells her he's going to be sending her an officer to guard her, but she instead tells him not to worry because Aitor is staying at her place, recuperating. DL is not pleased. He calls Paco and wants to know what the hell Aitor is doing staying with Sara.
IN THE DESERT
Mariano explains to Paco that he couldn't afford a regular camel so he bought this one off a circus. In order to get him up, they need pretend like their announcing to the audience that Jezebel the camel will now dance for them, and then clap, and then the camel will get up.
Paco is annoyed but claps the camel into getting up.
IN THE LOCKER ROOM
Curtis walks in on Sara and Aitor trying to sneak out the file and personal effects of the men who hijacked their car. He reprimands them but they beg him to allow them to look and see if they can find anything before they have to hand it over to the anti-terrorism unit.
He sighs and agrees.
IN THE DESERT
Paco and Mariano argue about what to do when they find Lucas. They stop and the camel sits down.
IN THE LOCKER ROOM
Curtis is peeing. Pepa waltzes in, worked up over the verbal beating they all got in the meeting.
PEPA: FUCK.
Curtis blinks. His eyes widen when he sees Pepa.
PEPA: What a load of crock to be hearing from that old man! What's up, Curtis?
She takes off her gun and, involved in her rant, starts to strip off her shirt. Curtis gulps.
PEPA: Did you see the thrashing he gave Aitor? He really worked him over!
Half naked, she grabs another shirt.
PEPA: What does he think? That we need to tell him about every little step we take?
She looks at Curtis. He can barely keep his calm. Pepa doesn't notice as she pulls on another shirt.
PEPA: I'll tell you one thing, that's how you fuck the precinct.
He laughs too loudly. Pepa stares at him, but shrugs off the odd reaction, going back to her rant.
PEPA: He better not count on me for that.
Curtis' phone RINGS. Pepa immediately digs into his back pocket and pulls it out, sticking it on Curtis' shoulder so he can answer it as she goes back to pack up her things.
PEPA: Because… what the hell does he think we are now? His loyal subjects or what?
She starts tucking her shirt in while Curtis answers.
CURTIS: Yes?
KIKE [on phone]: Have you seen Pepa?
Curtis mumbles a yes.
KIKE: Have you talked to her?
Another rumble.
KIKE: What's happening? You're with her, aren't you?
He laughs.
KIKE: Go for it! Go for it! Go after that girl! Do it!
He hangs up. Pepa heads out.
Curtis is left besotted.
--
IN THE BULLPEN
Povedilla gets ready to go home when he picks up a call for DL. The caller refuses who say who he is. Dl takes it. Povedilla passes Rita, who is writing a letter to DL requesting a transfer because she has fallen for Montoya and is having trouble distinguishing the personal from the professional. She catches Povedilla eavesdropping, but Povedilla denies it.
Dl gets off the phone, stricken, and is in a daze when Rita hands him the note. He just puts it in his pocket. Povedilla slides down, determined to grab the letter.
MEANWHILE
Meanwhile, Kike is after Curtis to admit Pepa could be after him.
CURTIS: Why the hell are you putting these things in my head?
KIKE: Why would I be doing that, Curtis? Were you the one who kissed her? No. Were you the one who was touching you all over while you were peeing? No. She's after you, Curtis! She's after you!
CURTIS: Why would she be after me!? Fuck! She's a homosexual and she likes to scissor!
KIKE: But if you need a pair of scissors and you don't have them, what do you do, huh?
They head outside. At Sara's house, Kike's still trying to explain to Curtis his theory.
KIKE: It's like this: Pepa is down in the dumps because of what happened with Silvia. And she needs someone to give her body a jolt. A nail takes out another nail! And you're that nail!
CURTIS: You know? That's true! It was her that started it! She's the one that stuck her tongue down my throat!
KIKE: Of course she did, dammit!
CURTIS: With both my balls! With both my balls,Kike! You have every reason! If she wants a nail? Hey! I'm going to give her a nail! A hammer! A screw, and whatever the hell else she wants. And when I'm done with her she'll be satisfied, huh?
KIKE: Absolutely.
He starts happily up the stairs.
CURTIS: The first thing I'll do is take her out of the closet and turn it upside down! A little bit of Curtis is a lot of Curtis!
IN THE DESERT
Paco decides he wants to use the satellite phone to check on Sara. Mariano protests that it costs 36 Euros a minute. The camel sits down again.
AT SARA'S
Aitor has a fever. Curtis stops by with the medication for them. His phone rings, and he and Kike excitedly think it's Pepa. It's not. It's Paco.
Paco tries to use code to determine whether or not Aitor and Sara are up to no good. Curtis only confuses him further with his code colors.
Mariano tries to get Paco off the phone and help him with the camel, but they end up stopping when they see a bunch of nomads staring at them from horses.
OUTSIDE DL'S OFFICE
Povedilla stakes out DL, and watches as DL stops Montoya and tells him they're going on a top secret mission. He asks who Montoya trusts. He immediately says Rita. DL says to bring her.
Povedilla uses the opportunity of DL sneaking away to sneak into his office to grab the letter. DL comes back before he has the chance. Povedilla ducks under the desk.
DL picks up the file of a case that was closed due to lack of evidence. He goes through it and sees the very sordid things of the people they were trying to convict, culminating in the disappearances of more than a few young prostitute males. He sees the name of one 'Queco' and calls an agency to try to get more information to find him, posing as a man looking for the services of an escort. Povedilla gulps.
DL instructs a minion to put the case back and heads off.
IN THE DESERT
Povedilla and Mariano try to make sense of what the nomads are saying, only to realize that the nomads are warning them of a coming sand storm.
IN CACHIS
Pepa walks in as Curtis tries to psyche himself up. She settles down.
KIKE: Look, there you have her.
CURTIS: She's going to get it. She's going to get it! What's up, she wants a nail? Well here you've got the best fucking nail you've ever had. Let's go, dammit.
He grabs his beer and heads over.
CURTIS: Hi, precious lady!
PEPA: What's up, Curtis?
CURTIS: eh? I'll buy you a beer. Because you look like you'd enjoy it. Of if you want some wine.
He laughs too loud.
CURTIS: Wine! Wine! That's stuff is really gay.
Pepa stares at him. He freezes, realizing what he just said.
CURTIS: Not that I have anything against wine, okay? Not wine or gay people – be they men or women.
Pepa arches an eyebrow, unsure what the hell's gotten into him.
CURTIS: When I was younger I used to drink wine. Red wine, a lot of red wine, vermouth –
He's choking. Pepa is trying hard not to crack up. He's saved when the Cachi's owner comes by with tray full of sandwiches.
CACHI'S OWNER: Some snacks over here?
PEPA: It's like you read my mind. Oh when you have a chance, bring us a couple beers.
CACHI'S OWNER: Sure.
CURTIS: A round of drinks, yes. A round of drinks! Because this one's almost done-
He tries to drink from it and ends up spilling it all over himself. Pepa immediately grabs some napkins. Kike watches from afar.
CURTIS: I've spent all damn morning in the shooting gallery, and you know the kickback of the gun – it reverberates-
Pepa just wipes him off, smiling widely.
PEPA: That's a hell of a kick back.
Kike interrupts.
KIKE: Pardon. Curtis, we have to call our snitch for our case.
CURTIS: Ah. Important! But… I'll be with you in just a minute!
Pepa winks back and goes back to her sandwich.
KIKE: Can I ask what the hell you're doing? You're acting like the village idiot! What the hell is wrong with you?
CURTIS: I don't know, Kike, I don't know!
Povedilla comes in with a stricken face.
KIKE: What's up, Povedilla, what's with that face?
Povedilla tells them what he heard in DL's office.
--
SARA'S APARTMENT
Sara shows Aitor a chart she's made of text messages that Lucas has sent her. She distracts herself with trying to find something to bring down Aitor's temperature, but all they have is a rectal suppository. He refuses to let her 'help' him and swallows it instead.
THE MOBILE UNIT
In the van, Curtis mopes about Pepa.
KIKE: Coffee? Milk? Sugar? I'll give it to you with a straw so you won't spill it all over yourself.
CURTIS: Will you go to hell? Huh? Will you go to hell?
KIKE: Oh come on, it's not that big a deal.
CURTIS: Friend, in all my life I've never felt so ridiculous. She's a chick, man! She's a chick! My dick's sore from fucking so many chicks! And what? Has it bothered me? No. Have I choked? No. And why? You know why, because I'm a fucking tom cat.
KIKE: Well don't think about it anymore.
CURTIS: Yes I will, dammit. Yes I will. Because this is important.
KIKE: Why?
CURTIS: Because I don't want to be the nail that takes out the other nail for Pepa. I want to stay nailed in. I want to be the nail, and then I want to stay together, united with Pepa.
KIKE: What are you telling me, dammit? Look at me! Look at me, Curtis! Look at me, dammit! Are you in love with Pepa?
Curtis yanks his head away. Kike can't believe it. Povedilla comes in, traumatized because he put a video camera in DL's office.
They check into the feed to see DL soliciting young boys.
IN THE DESERT
Paco and Mariano try to relate to the nomads. Mariano achieves this by burping with them. Paco accidentally farts. The nomads fart too and laugh. Paco is annoyed. Mariano finds it all hilarious.
IN THE MOBILE UNIT
The men try to trap DL by making POvedilla chat with him as a young boy. Rita interrupts to ask where the shovels are. The guys ask her if the case she's working with Dl has anything to do with young boys. She remembers Montoya's instructions to keep it a secret and denies it.
The men are stricken and think DL has gone perverted because of his brain tumor.
IN THE DESERT
Mariano tries to ask the nomads where Lucas it, but they misinterpret and think that he's bartering them a digital device for two of their daughters. Mariano realizes what happened when he's now stuck with two wives.
IN THE FOREST
DL, Montoya and Rita pull up with a dog. Montoya wants to know what they're looking for.
Dl explains that he got a phone call from an anonymous source who told him that 'Queco' the witness who had disappeared, is back in town. And that there might be more evidence to be found. DL wants to see if he can find anything to reopen the case.
IN THE SHOOTING GALLERY
Kike and Curtis stake out Pepa, who is intensely shooting.
Curtis comes in.
CURTIS: Hello!
Pepa just smiles politely and goes about her business. Curtis grabs hold of some earmuffs and glasses, and gallantly gets ready to shoot for her benefit.
Curtis shoots. He's a HORRIBLE SHOT. Nothing hits near the center. Pepa blinks, frowning at this surprising display of inadequacy.
CURTIS: The barrel needs to be calibrated, dammit. The barrel's off!
PEPA: Let me see.
She takes it and squeezes off a perfect shot.
PEPA: The barrel's fine Curtis.
He flushes with embarrassment.
PEPA: Take it. You know what's happening? You're overcompensating and losing your center of gravity.
She comes up behind him to show him what she means.
PEPA: You have to let it dance. You have to let the barrel dance a little. See?
She grabs the gun, around him.
CURTIS: Uh-huh.
PEPA; Before you take a shot, hold the handle with a firm grip. And point to the center, and keep it firm down here.
He's entranced.
PEPA: Now shoot.
She lets go and heads back to her own station. Curtis takes his shots, and now they're a LOT closer.
Pepa smiles proudly.
CURTIS: You're good. You're good! But not just at shooting – at kissing.
Pepa laughs in embarrassment. Curtis joins her.
PEPA: Don't remind me, Curtis. Let's see… I… I wouldn't want you to think you were assaulted because of that kiss. What with my reputation of being an impulsive idiot – and I know I have it - that you would think that I was making a pass at you …. That I was sexually harassing you … or something worse.
Curtis' smile freezes.
PEPA: It was just a dumb kiss.
Curtis is crestfallen, but tries to save face.
CURTIS: But you really thought that I thought that you were making a pass at me?!
PEPA: No, right?
CURTIS: A dumb kiss. That's what it was. A dumb kiss!
PEPA: Well, good luck to you.
She smiles and leaves. Curtis has tears in his eyes.
CURTIS: A dumb kiss.
SARA'SAPARTMENT
Aitor sees Sara has fallen asleep, phone in hand. He sneaks out.
IN THE FOREST
DL explains to a doubting Montoya that the people they're trying to convict have enough power to get this case shut down, so they can't say a word yet. Rita agrees with DL, and then the dog starts barking. He found something.
IN THE HOLDING CELL
Aitor finds an Arab being held prisoner and asks him how to say 'I love you' in Arabic.
IN THE BULLPEN
Curtis mopes in his chair. Kike tries to cheer him up.
KIKE: What are you going to do with her? With Pepa?
CURTIS: Nothing. What the hell do you want me to do, huh? What the hell do you want me to do if she's not into me?
KIKE: Why wouldn't she be into you? The problem is you've embarrassed her! That chick made the first move with the kiss! And then three days she's been waiting for you to make your move! But since you've haven't done it, she's taken it back!
CURTIS: What the hell do you mean she's taken it back? Look she's made it very clear – she doesn't like me!
KIKE: Look, you don't have a strategy! With a strategy you can have anything! Come with me.
He picks him up and pushes him to the files.
KIKE: Pepa is a woman of action, and here in San Antonio, she's bored! But if you put her in Vietnam, with the bombs trashing the trees and the bullets whizzing by your ass? The story changes! What we need is a case so that you can be the big hero. That's what you need! A dangerous case! With some serious stakes!
He reaches for the 'closed cases' files and pulls out the CASE DL WAS LOOKING AT EARLIER.
KIKE: Look, here we have something. Look at this – assassins, kidnappings, pedophilia, prostitution…
He pulls out the file.
KIKE: Here you have it - fucking Vietnam.
CURTIS: But this is a closed case!
Kike grabs the top page and trashes it.
KIKE: Exactly. We'll make Pepa believe the case exists. You'll take her for a stake out. We'll orchestrate a fake shoot-out, make it look like you risked your ass to save hers, save her life, and her panties disappear in a second. But with love.
Curtis smiles.
IN THE DESERT
Mariano sneaks into Paco's tent to try to escape his wives, but they just follow him in. As they tend to him, he tells Paco he's been thinking that they are no one to judge if Sara wants two boyfriends or a boyfriend and a husband. The polygamy thing isn't so bad.
Paco wants to kill him.
SARA'SAPARTMENT
Aitor sneaks back in and sends Sara a text, posing as Lucas. She is delighted. He cries, but is happy she is happy.
IN THE FOREST
Montoya and DL are digging furiously. Montoya is annoyed, but DL is proven right when they uncover a body. Montoya wants to call the authorities but DL forbids it. They'll handle this themselves.
End EPISODE