8x09: The One With the Top 5 Fantasies
Recap by Misty Flores
Previously on LHDP: Pepa received DL's blessing to marry Silvia, but the good times stalled when thanks to Paco, Mariano and Aitor's dealings with the Italian mob, the hombres' names were put on a hit list. Paco, determined to save his family, accepted a deal with the second-in-command to kill their jailed mafia boss in exchange for eradicating the list, but was unable to do it at the last second. Salgado is back in town and is trying to help the situation, but the danger still looms.
*NOTE - I'm having the HARDEST time trying to find a quality copy of this episode. If anyone knows where I can get a hold of a good quality AVI, can you send me a note? thanks!
OFFICE
Salgado, with Paco's help, tries to come up with a composite of what Bravante looks like. DL comes in with pictures for Paco to look at, but none of them are Bravante.
DL tries to keep it together, but loses it as Silvia comes in.
DL: Paco, what the hell were you thinking taking a suspect to a field to kill him in cold blood? What were you going to do next? Run for the hills? Answer me, dammit. I'm talking to you! We're up shit creek because of you! We're falsifying reports to keep you out of jail!
SILVIA: We have the autopsy reports of Inspector Vidal. He died at 19:50 by way of a shot from a firearm. With an entry wound in the left parietal region and exit wound in the posterior right area. It's a 7.62 caliber projectile shot from some 1200m approximately with a long range rifle. The bullet had the same mark as the one Bravante gave you, Paco.
This news devastates Paco.
SALGADO: I think we're all very tired – it's past midnight. Let's continue with this tomorrow.
PACO: No, we're not going to continue with this tomorrow. Tomorrow we could all be dead. I've seen Bravante. His image is burned into my brain. There has to be something here.
DL: Paco.
SALGDAO: Paco, calm down. Bravante aimed right at you and he didn't fire. He chose to kill J. What you gave him was a lot more than he expected. Listen to me. It's not a security policy but, we feel the danger might be over.
PACO: It's over? Well go and tell that to the people sitting downstairs.
We see the different hombres in different stages of paranoia – Mariano checking a package, Pepa, bored, reading a magazine, the others eating.
PACO: That you think the danger's passed doesn't matter to them. They don't want to go out, even to eat. They don't want to patrol – they won't even go home in case they round a corner and someone shoots them in the head.
Rita hears something outside her home. She looks out the window and sees a man with a gun. It's Povedilla, protecting her and Sabina. She invites him in.
PACO: Go downstairs. Go downstairs and tell them to stop being afraid, like you're telling them their total at a supermarket. But you haven't seen murderer playing cards with the lives of your family. I have. So you tell me, Commander, exactly what is over?
Salgado doesn't know what to say. DL closes the book on Paco.
DL: Enough, enough. Paco, that's enough. Commander Salgado will stay here in charge. Go down to your office and destroy any proof that could mess up our story or could prove to be evidence against you, chances are officers will be in your office. Okay? I don't want to see you here for at least a week.
Paco gets up, furious. He drops his badge and leaves.
DL: Silvia, we have to take measures. We can't permit that this psychosis to escalate. Get everyone together for a meeting.
SILVIA: It's after midnight.
DL: I don't care. Call them on the telephone. You've heard Paco – no one's sleeping! Bring them here! Tied up if you have to!
SARA'S APARTMENT
Aitor thinks about his last moments with Sara as Sara wakes up. He sends her off to bed but she convinces that him that since they're 'married', they should sleep in the same bed (AUGH!). They go to bed awkwardly.
CREDITS
THE APARTMENTS
Silvia and Montoya knock on Sara and Rita's doors, respectively. Povedilla and Aitor answer the doors. Neither Silvia nor Monty is terribly excited to see these men in these apartments in the middle of the night. Monty asks where Rita is. Povedilla answers that she's sleeping. Montoya tells him there's a meeting in five minutes.
SILVIA: There's a meeting in five minutes at the precinct.
AITOR: We were sleeping, we'll be right there, okay, Silvia?
He tries to close the door. Silvia stops him.
SILVIA: What's going on, you're living here now?
AITOR: Yes.
She considers that. He shuts the door.
PACO'S OFFICE
Paco starts to gather together his files instead of destroying them.
BULLPEN
The group gathers.
DL: Kids, listen up. A moment, please.
Pepa puts her magazine down. The group gathers close. Mariano fusses with his package from Lucas.
DL: I know we're having a particularly hard time right now, what with the mafia's hit list. I've been informed by CNI and Interpol that the critical moment of danger has passed. The family has calmed down a bit. Mariano.
Mariano glances up.
DL: Enough.
PACO'S OFFICE
Salgado comes in and asks her to trust him in – she'll finish this.
BULLPEN
DL: In the meantime you'll wear your vests, and there will be personalized instructions for each of you to make sure you're safe, and there will be class…
He trails off because Mariano won't stop fussing with his package.
DL: Moreno. Moreno, do you want to stop fucking around with that package or would you prefer for me to come down and tell you where to stuff it?
MARIANO: Sorry.
He rips it open.
DL: Okay, men. There's a personal defense class to be taught by Inspector Montoya, who is 5th Dan in karate. Well, that's it. Hopefully with these things we'll all feel a little bit safer, okay?
PACO'S OFFICE
Paco tells her he will but he'll also sleep with one eye on the door and a gun under his pillow. She moves to comfort him, but she gets her skirt caught in the shredder and rips it off to her ass.
BULLPEN
Paco tries to move Salgado through the precinct while Mariano sends Sara on an errand. He takes the opportunity to grab everyone's attention.
MARIANO: I know it's not exactly the right moment, but … this is awesome. Paco, you stay too!
PACO: Not right now! I have to sign some papers.
MARIANO: Paco, it's important – it's about Lucas! Wait a minute!
Paco and Salgado have no choice but to wait. Mariano happily holds up a layout.
MARIANO: 250 square meters built on a 600 square meter plot. It has a heated pool, a community pool, tennis courts, paddle tennis, garage for 2 cars, a wine cellar… In other words it's a palace!
SILVIA: And? Who's going to live there, Mariano?
MARIANO: Well, here the Fernandez' will live! Lucas bought it for Sarita with the money he earned. For your daughter, Paco! What do you think?!
Everyone stays quiet, unsure what to say in the wake of Aitor and Sara's very public affair.
AITOR: Wow, Lucas really out did himself! Let's clap for him!
Everyone awkwardly claps.
MARIANO: I told you this because I was thinking, since we didn't get them a wedding present – except for the cuckoo clock that Paco gave them, maybe we could all chip in and furnish the house for them!
Everyone blinks.
MARIANO: Well, maybe not the whole house, but what about the bedroom? We put in 200 Euros each and decorate the bedroom for them!
AITOR: I think that's great. I'll put up the first 200 Euros.
He slaps them on the stair banister and walks away. Everyone follows suit awkwardly as Sara returns.
SARA: What's going on? What's the pool for?
MARIANO: the pool?
POVEDILLA: It's mine to buy tickets for the upcoming Red Cross lottery. You put in 5 Euros and you can come out with 125kg of gold!
RITA: And Sara it's not just about the gold, it's to help the Red Cross. You can go ahead and get me two, one for Sabinica and one for me.
THE NEXT MORNING
Mariano is excited about buying a bed for Lucas, but Paco is only interested in the case.
LIZARRAN
Silvia, Pepa and Sara are sitting at the bar.
SILVIA: It's just I don't know if I understand it, Sara! All your life you were obsessed with Lucas, you couldn't live without him!
Pepa motions for her to take it easy on Sara.
SILVIA: And just yesterday you were crying to me about that! And now, not only CAN you live without him, but you can also live with Aitor! And you keep getting in deeper!
Sara mopes guiltily. Pepa again motions to Silvia to take it down a notch. Silvia ignores her.
SILVIA: Lucas bought you a house, Sara.
Sara lifts her head up, stunned. Pepa glares at Silvia.
SILVIA: Yes, she has to know, Pepa. With all the money he earned in the CIA, he bought you a chalet.
PEPA: You really can't keep your mouth shut, can you Redhead? You have absolutely no tact.
She turns to Sara, comforting her.
PEPA: It's not a big deal, sweetheart. It was a surprise. Just a surprise.
SARA: A surprise? It's the mother of all surprises! No one's ever done something like that for me! And Lucas is… wherever he is, looking for a chalet and screwing up his career to come and live with me, and I'm sleeping with Aitor! Because I married him! It was fake or real, I don't even know anymore! In the living room! In your wedding dress!
Both aunts double take.
SARA: I swore to him I loved him because I love him. I love him. And I love Lucas. It's true.
LEO: Some snacks over here…
Sara bursts into sobs.
LEO: Oh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Silvia pats Leo, as Sara buries herself in Pepa's arms and cries.
PACO'S
Paco and Mariano try to remember any info they can. Paco convinces Mariano to help him, but Mariano insists they do everything legally. Aitor comes by, and Mariano takes them all shopping.
LIZARRAN
Pepa pulls back from Sara and wipes her tears.
PEPA: Okay, okay. Look. That's enough crying. Now cheer up, we're going shooting.
SILVIA: No, no. Let's go shopping okay? Yes, you and I are getting married for real and we don't have anything – not a quilt or a bed or anything. Okay? Let's go, I'm inviting.
Since Silvia wears the real pants in the family, Pepa goes with it. She turns to Sara.
PEPA: Let's go. Hey, you really take infidelity seriously, don't you? Getting married twice, in my bride's dress!
Sara starts laughing.
PEPA: Silly girl. Let's go.
She shoves her out.
THE SHOOTING GALLERY
Montoya begins teaching Nelson, Curtis and Kike self defense. He asks Nelson to hit him, but is distracted by Povedilla and gets kneed in the groin. As Nelson tries to help him, the others greet Povedilla, who announces happily that he spent the night with Rita and he thinks reconciliation is inevitable. In pain, Montoya does NOT want to hear that. Curtis gets a call from Paco and leaves with Curtis and Nelson. Rita comes in, and asks Montoya what's wrong.
THE BED STORE
Mariano hops on a bed, trying to find just the right one for Lucas and Sara. Aitor and Paco do not want to be there.
OUTSIDE – Silvia, Pepa and Sara enter the store.
Mariano makes Paco and Aitor test out a bed to see if it's true that it conforms to each side.
SILVIA: But I don't get anything out of this, Sara! I have the most absurd love life in the world! Lucas left me and I burned his bed! I was in therapy and in ten days I'm going to marry your dyke of an aunt!
Lagging behind, Pepa shrugs.
SILVIA: I'm only telling you for your mental health!
SARA: Are you going to give me therapy buying beds, tita? I can't do anything! I'm in love with him! With both of them!
SILVIA: Well that can't be, Sara. You have to pick, dammit! If you're married, then divorce him. And if you want to change your mind, then change your mind, but you have to leave him again! Because you can't want everything, because if you do you become a spoiled brat who plays with everyone else's feelings.
PEPA: Maybe what's happened is that she's found an irresistible guy and it makes it too hard to choose. Right, sweetheart?
Mariano makes Paco and Aitor bounce up and down on the bed. A salesman comes and tells them to stop jumping on the bed. Mariano asks if he's homophobic. Paco wants to know what that has to do with a circus.
PEPA: It's just Aitor is one of those guys that ooze pheromones!
Silvia glares at her, not amused.
PEPA: And when he puts his hand on your ass… you can't say no.
She smirks challengingly at Silvia.
PEPA: Right?
Silvia plays along.
SILVIA: Well…with Lucas… One night with him and you wake up with anemia. Right?
Pepa guffaws. Sara blinks, and realizes this had gone from counseling to some weird foreplay between her aunts.
SARA: That's enough! You're not going to make me feel better by telling me how you both slept with my husbands!
She gets up and leaves them – to run straight into Aitor, Mariano and Paco. She runs away as they see her.
THE SHOOTING GALLERY
Montoya puts his arms around Rita, trying to teach her self defense moves, but is continually cock blocked by Povedilla, who kicks him and insists that he will always be there to protect Rita. Montoya gets irate, and Rita, realizing what's going on, has had enough and tells them to take their pissing contest outside.
She leaves.
PACO'S
Paco is dismayed to realize Curtis and Kike have stolen a computer from the place he sent them to investigate. So much for doing everything legal. But at least they also stole snacks.
CANTINA MARIACHI
Pepa and Silvia have lunch.
SILVIA: Hey are you going to try on the morning suit?
PEPA: Excuse me?
SILVIA: the morning suit!
PEPA: I'm going to tell you one thing, Redhead. Like hell, am I going to wear a morning suit!
SILVIA: No?
PEPA: No! I'm going to go all in white and virginal! [To the waiter] Excuse me, can you give us a refill when you can? Thanks.
She dives into the chips.
PEPA: Why don't you wear the morning suit?
Silvia rolls her eyes.
PEPA: I mean, they've already used your dress!
She laughs.
SILVIA: Why do you defend Sara so much?
PEPA: What do you mean, why? Because I'm her aunt! And I empathize with her. Silvia, in life there are errors and fantasies, and some commit them, and some don't.
SILVIA: I see. And if I were to fool around with someone else? What would you think? Come on tell me, I want to know. We're going to get married! Tell me!
PEPA: I think everyone should be with whoever they want. And everyone can decide. That's why I'm marrying you.
She kisses Silvia.
PEPA: But I'm warning you, if one day Angelina Jolie calls me, I hope you'll turn a blind eye.
SILVIA: Angelina Jolie? That's your fantasy? She looks like an alien!
PEPA: An alien?! I'll go to Mars looking for THAT alien!
SILVIA: Okay, we're doing this – wait - make me a list of your top five fantasies!
She gives Pepa a pen.
SILVIA: Then I can see what I'm up against.
PEPA: Then I want one from you.
SILVIA: Okay.
They get to work. And exchange. Silvia is not impressed with Pepa's list. It should be noted that Silvia's list is clearly just Marian fucking with Laura – because it's nothing like what Pepa says – Jiminy Cricket is on there!
PEPA: Okay, this sucks. Casillas? Benicio Del Toro? Hugh Jackman? You've made me a list of your top five fantasies with all guys? What am I? The fucking exception of your life?
SILVIA: Wait, wait – I want to change it.
PEPA: Silvia, no.
SILVIA: Yes, yes!
PEPA: If you've got nothing but fantasies with men, I can't do anything. Do you understand? Do you get it? If you suddenly decide that's what you want, I can't even compete!
Silvia wrinkles the napkin against her nose. Pepa takes it and looks at it.
PEPA: Leo? And who the fuck is Leo?
SILVIA: Leo! The manager of the tavern!
PEPA: And what the fuck is so hot about Leo?
SILVIA: Umm…Oh! I don't know, one day I saw her. She was bent over and I saw her skin? I don't know, it's so pale and looks so smooth…
PEPA: Smooth?
SILVIA: Smooth.
She continues to eat her chips happily, oblivious to Pepa's jealousy.
PEPA: SMOOTH?!
SILVIA: Smooth.
PEPA: You're telling me that her ass is smooth?!
SILVIA: [blinking] … Yes.
PEPA: What kinda shit is this, Silvia?
Pepa storms out. Silvia scrambles after her, but is hampered by her bags.
SILVIA: Pepa! [To the waiter] Can I get the check?
PACO'S
The men find an address.
THE SHOOTING GALLERY
Povedilla and Montoya spar, but it turns into a genuine fight as they talk about Rita. Montoya tells Pove he's never going to get Rita back. Povedilla accuses Montoya of ruining Rita's life. Montoya loses it and tries to choke Povedilla, insisting he screwed up with the Marga situation. Povedilla realizes that Montoya does love Rita and calls him on it, and tells him to go for it, because Rita loves him too.
AWAY
Paco and his hombres get to the house they were scouting and crash into it Rambo style, only to realize they've actually crashed a kids birthday party. When the little girl they met while they were buried up to their necks waves at them, they begin to haltingly sing Happy Birthday to the kids, and offer a lame cheer.
LIZARRAN
Pepa enters the bar and sees Leo. Immediately she takes out her gun and removes the magazine before striding forward and grabbing hold of Leo, shoving her towards the kitchen. Leo shrieks.
PEPA: Let's go. Let's get out of here. [To the people watching] Don't worry. I'm a police officer.
Silvia, weighted down with bags, scrambles into the bar, and sees Pepa shoving Leo into the back with her gun.
SILVIA: Pepa?! What are you doing?!
She runs after them, trying to navigate.
THE KITCHEN- Pepa shoves Leo in and points the gun at her. Leo is terrified as Pepa grabs her and pushes her against the table.
PEPA: Tell me where the drugs are. Tell me where the drugs are, because to try and flirt with my girlfriend, you'd have to be drugged!
Silvia runs in.
SILVIA: Let her go! Let her go! LET HER GO!
LEO: Pepi, I swear on my life-
PEPA: And don't ever let me catch you wearing little short shorts or I'll kill you. Do you understand?
Silvia pauses, and realizes with a smile that Pepa, in her over dramatics, is not actually serious. She sighs in relief and drops the bags. Pepa grins and looks at her.
PEPA: Because okay, I may be crazy, but as of right now, that's all over. The fantasies with Angelina Jolie, and living the fast life - it's done.
She removes her gun and places her index finger on the back of Leo's head in substitution, keeping her in place.
PEPA: From now on, in my top fantasies, the only star will be my redhead: my fiancé, the one who's going to be my wife, because that's what I've decided.
Leo, realizing what is going on, shakes her head in fury.
PEPA: And if I have to give up whatever I have to, I'll do it.
Silvia opens her arms. Pepa gladly steps into them, kissing Silvia happily.
The danger over, Leo gets up and sees them making out. She's pissed.
LEO: Blow it out your ass, Pepi! BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS! You're crazy! You're not right in the head! Pepi, you're not well!
They ignore her.
LEO: And neither are you!
She smacks Silvia hard on the ass. Silvia cries out, and breaks up laughing.
LEO: You two need group therapy! Why the hell can't I hang out with normal people!?
She walks out in a huff. They start laughing, and kiss each again.
PEPA: Crazy.
SILVIA: You're the crazy one.
They hang on to each other blissfully.
The Precinct
(I'm going to go fast in this one. Silvia has little to no lines, and to do this scene by scene would take FOREVER. Forgive my laziness).
Salgado and DL are astonished when Paco and company lead the group of kids into the precinct. Paco explains that that was Bravante's house, and that the woman is Bravante's wife. DL is pissed that he did all this without authorization but Salgado points out that Paco did more for them than J did in six years.
Mariano herds the kids into a classroom, and he and Povedilla try to keep them entertained. The kids all have to go to the bathroom. When a little boy tells Giovanita that her daddy was killed by the police, and is not on vacation like she was told, she starts crying. Mariano cheers her up and tells the kid to shut up.
DL authorizes a mission – he calls Montoya and tells him to set it up, while Paco, DL and Salgado question the wife of Bravante. Paco thanks Salgado for the help, she gets twitter pated when he kisses her cheek. They try to interrogate Bravante's wife, but she only wants her lawyer. Salgado and Dl go to get him, but Paco stays behind to talk to the wife frankly. But she won't say a word.
AT THE HOUSE – Montoya fills in Curtis, Rita, and Sara that they're calling a lawyer but Bravante probably won't show up. When Sara hears that Aitor is in the house, she goes in to see him. Curtis and Silvia head out and work with the special forces team to set up the perimeter.
Sara goes to see Aitor and decides to be the SuperBrat she is and ask him why he was buying her a bed. He tells her he has to make sure there's enough room to hide underneath it. Montoya tries to check in with everyone but Sara doesn't answer. Instead she's too busy freaking out when Aitor tells her that when Lucas comes back he's going to fight him for her. Rita tells Montoya to leave them alone – they're having an affair.
Sara tells Aitor he can't do it and runs away, he runs after her and tells her that he'll do whatever she wants, and they will just enjoy their last ten days together. So they decide to HAVE SEX IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OPERATION IN THE HOUSE OF THE BAD GUY.
AUGH.
Meanwhile, Montoya shyly asks Rita to go with him to Silvia and Pepa's wedding. She happily agrees, and they start making out.
Salgado comes in and sees Paco harassing the wife and tells him that she's just protecting her family, just like he is. She tells the wife the lawyer is coming, but she tells them instead that she'll help them but she wants protection for her and her kids. She tells them that Bravante never left and is hiding in a bunker under the house.
Meanwhile, Mariano and Povedilla try to entertain the kids with songs. DL comes in posing as the clown of San Antonio, and starts to play a 'game' with the kids – he holds up pictures of unidentified mobsters and the kids identify them for candy. It works like a charm, and they start filling up the holes on the chart like a Who's Who.
Bravante comes out from his bunker and sees Sara and Aitor making out. He takes their guns and tries to attack them, but Aitor sees him in a reflection and they scamper out just in time. Aitor throws knives at him while Montoya sounds the order for everyone to go in.
Aitor and Sara manage to get the upper hand by surprising him with fire extinguishers, and the group stumbles in to see the agents half naked and obviously interrupted in the middle of sex.
They walk out with Bravante awkwardly. Sara and Aitor stand around, fully realizing they look like idiots.
End EPISODE
NEXT: Episode 8x10: A madman holds a hostage and threatens to kill him on live television, blaming the police for letting his wife die. Everyone rallies to find him, except Aitor and Sara who are caught boning by Paco and thus blacklisted. Meanwhile, Silvia begins to have doubts when she realizes every marriage in their precinct has failed.