DISCLAIMER: The characters in this story belong to me or them or no-one, I'm not sure, but as long as they get to have a little fun I'm sure they won't sue.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I was unfortunately enough to watch the film with this title recently - biggest pile of misogynistic and homophobic crap it has been my displeasure to watch in a long time - and thought how much better it would have been if the emphasis had been placed on the first word, instead of the last.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Lesbian Vampire Killers
Petra and Nadia von Klink were vampire killers. Lesbian vampire killers. They had travelled the world, killing unholy creatures of the night, and seducing any woman with both a pulse and pneumatic cleavage. It was a tough job, but somebody had to do it.
Their current assignment saw them in the Devonshire countryside, working alongside a black-eyed priest, and nubile young milkmaid, both of whom were novices in the art of vampire killing, but imbued with tremendous zeal. Father Gregory quoted scripture at the drop of a hat, which made him a bit of a twat, but he knew how to wield a crossbow, and that made him useful. Grace, the milkmaid, tended to wear low cut T-shirts and shorts that hugged her arse, so neither Petra nor Nadia cared whether or not she was useful with an instrument of death, but as it happens she was a dab hand with a mace.
"How many vampires do you have to kill to become a bona fide vampire killer?" Grace asked, her mace swinging perilously between her fingers, and coming close to imbedding itself in her knee.
Petra and Nadia shared a look. "Twenty-three," they said in unison.
Grace sighed. "How many women do I have to sleep with to become a lesbian vampire killer?"
The sisters smiled. "Two."
A frown settled on the priest's brow. "What about me?"
The three women turned, as one, and looked him up and down, before ignoring him completely and going back to sharpening their weapons and checking their lipstick in the reflection off their swords.
"I smell vampire," said Nadia.
Grace and Gregory sniffed but neither could detect anything beyond the tang of cow manure.
Petra nodded. "Three of them."
The priest began to pray, his rosary beads clanking dully in the evening air, and setting Grace's nerves on edge. She shot him a dirty look but he was far too busy communing with his God to take notice of a mere mortal. "The first one is mine," she warned him.
"The first is mine," Petra contradicted. "I show you how it is done."
Grace sighed. "Fine." She would have to settle for killing two, rather than three, of the vile creatures. "But I get first pick of the nubile young maidens."
Petra and Nadia shared a bemused look. "You nubile young maiden," said Petra.
"We seduce you," added Nadia.
The priest crossed himself three times and rearranged his trouser area.
"But I'm a vampire killer," pouted Grace. "I should get to seduce the maidens."
Gregory nodded, before he realised what he was doing and forcefully clamped down on his response. "Can we talk about this later?" He motioned towards the three lumbering figures closing in on their location. "The spawn of Beelzebub are descending to eat our souls."
A glint of dying sunlight flashed through the air as Petra's sword imbedded itself in the first vampire. The creature fell to its knees, its insides bursting into flames and melting its skin into a burning ball of charred flesh. The vampire killers whooped with joy, and Grace charged at the second vampire, taking its head off with a timely swing of her mace. "Yes!" she crowed.
Nadia somersaulted over the top of Gregory's head just in time to impale the final vampire on the point of her sword and kick the resulting flaming ball of skin into the woods. "Vampires dead," she said. "Now we have sex."
Gregory looked up in hope.
"Not you," stated Petra, her tone guaranteed to wilt any man's ardour. She turned to look at Grace. "You."
Nadia moved to stand beside her sister. "We flip coin," she said. "To see who you sleep with first."
"First?" Grace swallowed, her eyes bulging as she took in the athletic and sultry twins, their blonde good looks sending shivers down her body, and making her wish she'd taken her vitamins that morning. "Okay."
The coin flipped through the air. "Mine," said Petra, grabbing hold of Grace's hand and pulling her towards the nearest building.
Nadia settled down to wait. "Next time we kill vampires," she told Gregory, "we pick up enough nubile young maidens for everybody." His smile grew. "Not you."
As the priest's smile waned the sound of riotous sex filled the air, and with it, the world came one step closer to possessing another fully fledged lesbian vampire killer.
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