DISCLAIMER: CSI and its characters are the property of Jerry Bruckheimer and CBS. No infringement intended.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author
Letter of Abandoned Lovers
I'm not used to putting my feelings down on paper, so you'll have to forgive me if I make a total mess of this. To tell you the truth, I'm not exactly used to expressing my feelings full stop, so I'm bound to screw up and make a fool of myself but, for once, I don't give a shit. I need to say this and writing it down is a lot less scary than saying it to your face.
Last night Grissom told me he loved me. It was probably one of the high point of my entire life and, for just that moment, it was as if all the crap that's been raining down on me my entire life didn't mean squat. I was loved and everything was finally exactly how it should be.
Then the moment ended, as I guess they always do, and I was left with this strange feeling of emptiness in my gut. As he brushed his fingers through my hair and talked about a trip he wanted us to take, I realised that the moment we'd just shared was the pinnacle of our relationship. No matter what happened afterwards, I would never feel that sense of utter completeness ever again. That from here on out, it was all downhill.
I know that doesn't make sense. I'm not sure I can even explain it to myself properly, but lying there, in his arms, knowing he's probably the kindest man I'll ever meet, I knew I had to end it. I will always love Grissom but I no longer yearn for him to love me back.
I'm like one of those annoying brats who screams and screams for their shiny new toy and then the second they hold it in their arms, it's forgotten and they're screaming for something else. I don't like the comparison and some part of me hopes to hell that it's not true, but right at this moment I couldn't feel like a bigger bitch if I tried.
I left him, you see, and the future he thought I wanted. I left him to be alone and lonely and stupid and a whole lot of other things that don't make sense. Maybe if I could turn around and say I left him for you, I wouldn't feel so bad, but whatever I might convince myself of later, that's not the case. I left him for me and no one else. I left him because I'd gotten what I wanted and I was too selfish to stick around for the rest.
I forced him to love me and then I abandoned him. If you give me a chance, I might very well do the same thing to you. I don't know. Yesterday I thought I knew myself, but obviously I don't know jack-shit about anything. I want to believe that I could love you without screwing things up but I don't think I have it in me to truly love anyone.
But I'm selfish, so I'll try. If you know what's good for you, you'll tell me to go screw myself and never look back. If you're really smart, you won't even open the door. Because as much as I always wanted Grissom, right now I want you a whole hell of a lot more.
This is the only warning I'll give. Don't let me ruin your life, too.
Return to C.S.I. Fiction
Return to Main Page