DISCLAIMER: I only own the story, I just wish I owned CSI, the characters. I don't own the song at the end, the lyrics aren't the original, the song just contained the basic that I needed for the poem that I wanted to create for in the story.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
WARNING: Mention of suicide and character death.
THANKS: just my awesome beta, MBInc.

Letting Down
By Missy Holland


It seems that I can't do anything without thinking of you, so I'll just sit here in the dark, my back against the cold steel of the lockers. When I allow my mind a free walk, it runs to you. There's no way of stopping the wave of feelings that rushes over me. It takes me at least ten minutes before I realize that I cry. The tears are flowing over my cheeks, and sobs wrack through my numb body.

I shake in pain, everything feels sore from all the fucking crying. But I can't stop it. Every time I give up and let things take their turn, I see you, and I can't stop crying. I just have to wait for my body to give up. I'm dying inside, and the worst is that everyone sees it. They see it, but they never dare to say something. That's only because they think they know what happened that night. That it was my fault, and that I didn't try enough.

Hell, I tried, I did anything I could to stop the one thing that had to happen. And ever since I can't sleep, no matter how I try, I just lie awake and tears roll down my face. Every time I have to get up I have to change the sheets because they're all wet from the tears. Every night I see it all happen again, the hollow hours that are given for nightmares. And every time it's getting worse. It's not the relatively calm scene that it was in the real world. It's shouting, screaming, noise and hell everywhere. And I'm in the middle of it and I see it coming.

Every time I see what is going to happen. But I can't do anything, just like it was before. I have to stand there and see the looks on faces. And only when it's over I can do something. I can only rush over and scream desperately for you. And when I wake up screaming, I dial your number, but before you can pick up I hang up.

I know that I wasn't on call that night, but that didn't stop me from going to the scene, I couldn't sit around with the knowledge that your daughter went missing.

I processed the scene without emotion, asked you questions, and allowed you to be a part of the investigation. I wish I never did that, I wish that I hadn't taken you to the deserted streets where the suspect lived. We knocked and the door opened, he came out to the streets, we were the only ones who were there. I'll never forget the moment that he walked out with your only child. She was so scared. She kept calling for you –for us. She stopped the moment the gun was placed against her head. And the screams were replaced with sobs. Your heart was ripped out and torn into pieces that moment, I saw it in you eyes. I was the only one with a gun. The only one of us who was able to end it. And I did. I fired several shots, and they all hit target. But the moment I let my arms down to watch him die, he moaned and pulled the trigger. The last second of that bastard's life, and he fired the gun that was still at her head.

The moment the blood came, I heard you scream. My gun fell and I could only pull you in my arms as we saw your daughter die. You clung to me for dear life, and that moment I started wishing. Wishing that I was dead. You broke, crying on the ground, swaying back and forth with the tiny dead body in your arms. I stood there and cried for the first of many nights, knowing that I wouldn't stop. I could only stop when I lay in my coffin. Kneeling next to you, stroking your hair and comforting your body so you wouldn't hurt yourself, that was all I could do. The saddest thing the whole world will ever see. A mother crying for her child…

Remembering all this, I kick my open locker with such force that it bangs against the wall. Several items fall out, but I only see two things: A picture of us together, smiling. And my gun. I can't make my hand stop. It moves to the weapon, and endless possibilities flash in front of my eyes when my fingertips touch the butt of the gun. I pick it up and stare at it for what seems like ages. Carefully I turn it round and round in my hands. I never realized it was this heavy, its weight is comforting. I don't have to check for bullets, I know it's loaded. I move the gun to my mouth, but as it comes closer I can't open my lips yet. I only open them when it touches me, as in a morbid kiss. I part them and the cold steel slides in between them. It tastes like iron and gunpowder. Not that I expected anything different. Tears keep streaming across my cheeks as I lay my finger gently around the trigger. I think of all the scenes I processed, scenes with the same bodies, people who felt like I feel now. Back then I had to clean up their mess, but I won't be like that. Everyone knows that I don't need cleaning from others, I did it myself. The gun slides out of my trembling hands, and with a loud bang it lands on the cold floor. Waking me up from my pondering. I know that I have to decide, but I know it won't end with a gun in my mouth. So I place it at my temple. The least I can do is to end it like it ended for her. Gun against your head, feeling the bullet even before there's been a shot.

Suddenly my confidence is back. I stand up, swaying slightly in the middle of the deserted room. I almost smile when I pull the trigger….. Almost.

I love you.

I guess this time I'm really leaving
And as my broken heart lies bleeding
You say you've cried a thousand rivers
I left you drowning in your tears
And you won't take it anymore

I won't bother you anymore
These five words I swear to you

I will leave you alone

I'd live and I'd die for you
And today I did both for you

Words can't say what the loss of a child can do

I won't be there for you

Now she has her own hiding place
I promised to take care

But I can't buy back yesterday
And Baby you know my hands are dirty
But I wanted to be her knight

I'd be the water when you'd get thirsty, baby
When you got drunk, I'd be the wine

I was there when you were happy
But now I leave you when you're sad

I didn't mean to miss your funeral

I wish I'd seen you blow out those candles

The End

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