DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of these characters, Tollin/Robbins productions and a bunch of other people do. I'm just borrowing them for some harmless fun.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Locker Room Confessions
I was late. I was never late, but I was late that day. Late and tired. I hardly ever get tired but I was tired then. Then again, I didn't spend most nights twisting and turning in a restless, tortured non-sleep. Actually, that's not true, I'd spent plenty of nights like that, but in the past few months had at least started to pass out around three so that I had a least a few hours rest. But not that night. Nope, couldn't have had that. It would've been too easy, I might have been able to think clearly and settle some things if I'd gotten some sleep. So of course sleep was destined to elude me.
I sighed running my hand through my hair, exhaling noisily as I turned to look at the door of the change room. I'd arrived late, but I was making myself so late by lounging around in there that I wouldn't even be able to pull off 'fashionably' anymore.
I'd kissed her. I kissed Allie. I'd tongue kissed Allie repeatedly on the mat of the dojo. I'd tongue kissed Allie repeatedly on the mat of the dojo while feeling her up. But more importantly I liked it. I liked it a whole lot. I liked it more than I liked kissing anyone ever before, and if I had to make a list of my favorite things, kissing Allie would've gone right under riding my bike. And I LOVE my bike.
That was the problem really. I had become far too fond of her lips in way too short a time. Hell, I'd plain become way too fond of her. I'd never even kissed her, or really thought of kissing her, when I had shown up to her dance audition and cheered like some jock's lovesick girlfriend. But being a really, really supportive friend was something I could've lived with. I would've enjoyed it just to prove to everyone that I hadn't been completely emotionally stunted by my father's death. Being someone's lovesick girlfriend however, I wasn't at all ready to concede too, because while not completely stunted I was still somewhat emotionally stunted. I just didn't need the complications of a real relationship in my life, and no matter how hard I tried to argue against it in my head, I knew that I was already attached enough to Allie, that if our make-out sessions continued we'd start going steady or something. I'd commit out of desperation to ensure that nobody else had a chance at kissing those lips but me because I don't play well with others. But I didn't want to commit to anything.
That's how things had gone so horribly wrong with Trip anyway the day before. He had gone and gotten all overprotective and clingy because we'd gone on one date. Dinner and a movie did not a girlfriend make. And even if it did, it didn't mean I had to answer to him. All I wanted was a fun fling with no complications. A distraction, something to break up the monotony. But instead I got Mr. Co-Dependant or really just Mr. Dependant. But I'd dealt with that situation after class, telling him that we should just be friends even if it wasn't what he wanted to hear. Because while I wasn't malicious or mean about it, I cared about my feelings more than I cared about his, and I wasn't going to play along just to spare his feelings.
But then the thing with Allie had to happen, and all of those things Trip wanted me to feel, wanted me to want and I didn't, happened with her. Cheesy ass shit like 'she looks like an angel' and 'I'm drowning in the endless blue pools of her eyes' and 'her lips taste like ambrosia' passed through my head, even if I had no idea what fucking ambrosia even was. I spent all night awake thinking about her, drowsing off and dreaming about her, and waking up and thinking about her some more. I'd covertly watched her all day at school, found myself wondering what she was thinking, if the kiss had meant anything to her, if I wanted it to mean anything to her. And I'd been so nervous at the thought of seeing her and talking to her again, that on the way over I'd had to pull my bike to the side of the road because I was shaking slightly and it was making me wobble.
I started to get up, realizing that I wouldn't be able to hide in the locker room forever when a thought struck me and pushed me back down. What if I was worrying about nothing? The kiss might've meant nothing to her. Lord knew she had some sort of puppy love thing going on for Brian. What if she'd just decided to go with the flow because kissing me back was better than having to talk to me or face me after I had literally pounced on her.
Then again, she'd started it. She was the one that had started talking about the exercise being like sex making my mind go all sorts of places it wouldn't have gone without her helpful little comments. She was the one that had put her hands on my ass, my ASS, and started massaging it or whatever, once again taking my mind places it wouldn't have gone without a little encouragement. My mind taking my body along for that particular ride, as a mind numbing burst of pleasure had rippled through my body at the motion. That still didn't mean anything though. Maybe she was just feeling sexy and wanted someone to be sexy with.
Having known that I was attracted to both men and women for a couple years, the thought of others feeling the same way was only natural, so the idea that Allie could have a crush on Brian and in a moment of weakness make-out with me wasn't especially hard to wrap my mind around.
Didn't mean it didn't bother me though. Which was strange, cause I didn't want a commitment anyway. I didn't wanna be tied down, or owe anyone anything. I liked my emotional attachments like I hated my warranties, limited. I didn't want her to be my girlfriend or whatever anyway, so it didn't matter if she still liked Brian. Still, I didn't want to be someone's appetizer either, keeping her warm before the big game or something.
I sighed and slumped down, my chin coming to rest in my hands as I braced my elbows on my thighs. After almost twenty-four hours of reflection it had become painfully clear to me that I was full of bullshit and what I told myself didn't really mean anything. The fact was I liked Allie. I liked her more than I wanted to like her, but it didn't stop me from liking her that much just because I didn't want to. So, the idea that she might still want to be with Brian made my heart seize, and made me kind of simmer with rage. I just didn't like the idea of that. Hell, I'd kissed her, and I wanted her to be my girlfriend, and the fact that Brian was an obstacle to that made me want to flutter kick him in the head. The fact that I could, making the thought even more appealing. But that would've been wrong.
It sucked. The whole situation fucking sucked. I'd worked really hard for the last little while to put an emotional distance between others and myself because I hated emotional situations and wanted to avoid them at all costs. And here I was in a situation that could only be described as emotional.
It sucked and
"Hey." My head snapped up at that. I knew who it was immediately. It was Allie. Her raspy, yet girlish voice already easily identifiable to me.
"Hey," I replied shifting on the bench uncomfortably offering her a small smile. My god, I could hear my heart beating. That wasn't healthy, I was sure of it, there was no way that could be healthy.
"I ah, saw your bike outside," Allie started jerking her finger behind her awkwardly in a vague motion that I assumed indicted outdoors. "But you weren't you know, like in class," she continued shifting a bit, now avoiding even looking in my general direction.
"Yeah, I was just changing," I responded seeing her tension and wanting to relieve it without knowing how to really.
"I've been here for twenty minutes," she said softly, her fingers playing with the material of her stretch pants as she stared at a locker somewhere to my left. I knew what that meant. If she'd seen my bike on the way in, it meant I had gotten there before her and had thus been 'changing' for over twenty-minutes. And since I was usually in and out of the change rooms in a matter of minutes, usually taking a Nascar-like pride in my quick change overs, the 'changing' response didn't sound particularly plausible.
"Yeah, I was just " I started.
"Trying to avoid me?" she asked, laughing softly her tone self-depreciating as her eyes skittered over to look at briefly before jumping away again.
"No," I said, the remaining slump of her shoulders telling me she didn't believe me. Considering the high pitched, almost panicked squeak that had come out of me I couldn't really blame her. "Really I wasn't avoiding you. I " I continued pausing, mentally debating with myself how much I wanted to reveal. "I was just thinking. I lost track of the time."
"Thinking about how to avoid me?" she then asked, though her eyes came over to look at me again, almost hopefully. Like she didn't believe me yet but would be willing to if I managed to say something that wasn't completely lame.
"Nah, I have like this natural animal instinct that allows me to avoid people without any thought whatsoever. It's like a sixth sense or maybe just a really heightened version of one of the five," I replied watching her watch me, her expression confused and amused. "So, if I was thinking it obviously couldn't have had anything to do with avoiding you," I went on while internally wondering what mental dysfunction I had just become afflicted with that was stopping me from saying anything that wasn't completely stupid.
"That was surprisingly detailed for an answer that didn't say anything," she commented a moment later, her eyes skittering away from me again.
"Offer me a penny," I said in response, my words bringing her eyes back over to mine like I hoped they would.
She turned her head until she was looking at me, and then starred at me for a long moment before smiling and shaking her head disbelievingly. "You're not serious," she stated, though it came out sounding more like a question.
"Yes, I am, give me a penny and I'll tell you what I was thinking about," I responded smiling back at her, soaking up the slight flush that came over her fair skin. Excellently, I wasn't completely screwing things up. I decided to keep on trying to do that. Not screwing things up was working very nicely.
"I don't have a penny on me," she replied a moment later. "I'll owe you," she continued looking over at me through her eyelashes. She had that naughty schoolgirl look going on again, her tone and posture contradicting each other, innocence clashing with a sensuous mischievousness. I liked that look on her.
"No, payment has to be upfront. I'm distrusting by nature, and can't have you running off with my penny AND my thoughts. We're just going to have to work out another arrangement," I told her nodding solemnly before cracking a small smile.
"How about a kiss?" she asked, catching my eye and holding it. Somehow I got the impression from her expression that she knew that's exactly what I was going to ask of her. "Would that equal the value of a penny?"
"I'd probably have to give you some change back actually," I responded, my voice softening a bit with anticipation and nervousness as she started to move across the small space that had been separating us.
"Keep the change," she whispered coming to a stop directly in front of me. Her knees pushing on mine slightly until they parted enough that she could move in between my legs. I looked up at her and blinked. I felt utterly helpless, like a fly caught in her web or a mere mortal staring up into the ethereal features of some ancient goddess, both small and blessed at the same time, humbled and awed by the beauty I was basking in. Warmth surged through my entire body, and when she placed her hand on my cheek I shivered slightly, every nerve ending tingling and tense. I started to think about how insane and ridiculous the reactions I was having to her were, but before I could give it much thought I felt a pair of soft lips brush against my own, and all thought was removed from my brain.
I found myself reaching out for her, my hands landing on her hips when she took her lips off of mine too soon after making contact and began to straighten up. I held her in place so she couldn't take a step back, and then looking up into her beautiful face, tugged her slightly. I wasn't through kissing her yet.
She smiled at that move. Not just a little smile either, but a huge, brilliant, million watt smile that took my breath away and immediately led me to grin back at her, probably in a very goofy, idiotic way. But when she leaned back down and brushed her lips against mine again, I could've cared less if the smile made me look like Queen of the Nimrods, because it brought those lips back and I loved those lips.
"I wasn't sure if you " she said softly trailing off, a faint nervous smile playing at her lips when we finally pulled apart.
"I wasn't sure if you either," I responded, dipping my head down to look at the floor, needing a moment to compose myself and get a hold of the strange, new and exciting feelings that were swirling around inside of my body like it was a whirlpool.
"I thought maybe you were mad at me," she confided her gaze drifting around the room.
"Sit down," I said softly, tugging on her hand, which had somehow found its way into my own. "Mad?" I asked once she settled herself on the bench beside me.
"Well, I kind of molested you yesterday," she said, her eyes skittering around the room and her cheeks reddening as we both remembered how exactly she had molested me.
"I like the way you molest me," I responded immediately, smiling rakishly to go along with my suggestive comment before I realized exactly what had come out of my mouth. "And I can't believe I just said that," I added softly a moment later, my tone full of chagrin as I looked around the room myself.
"The truth comes out, it's official Tory is a bad girl," Allie drawled a moment later drawing my attention back over to her. We held each other's eyes for a moment and then broke out laughing, the laughter effectively and thankfully breaking the tension that had begun to form.
"Not so much," I told her softly a few seconds later once our laughter had died down and a silence had descended over the room again. I knew that everyone at school, and a lot of people at the dojo, took my attitude to mean I was a wanna be badass, or a brooding malcontent, or problem child with emotional issues and an anger management problems. And while I could be a badass, I could brood and be malcontented, and while I did have emotional issues and some anger management problems, more than anything I was lonely and scared and had no idea what to do with myself or how I felt most of the time. I'd found that the attitude stopped people from asking me questions I didn't have the answer to, and decided to play along with it.
"I know," Allie replied, and somehow I knew she did know. It kind of made sense that she would, after all the first day we'd met, she'd seen me manhandle some guy in the hallway and break down into tears. "I like that," she continued a moment later. "I like you," she went on pausing momentarily. "A lot."
"What about Brian?" I asked not able to help myself.
To my surprise she laughed at that softly, shaking her head before saying, "What about Brian?" meeting my eyes once more. I must have frowned at that or something because she quickly reached out placing her hand on my thigh before speaking again in an earnest tone. "I'm not with Brian, and I don't want to be anymore. Honest. He isn't a consideration," she continued. "You know, if there's anything to consider," she added a bit sheepishly.
"There is," I told her immediately. "And for the record I like you a lot too," I continued watching as a smile spread across her features and loving knowing that I put it there. "We should like probably go out there," I went on a moment later starting to get self-conscious about how much I was looking at her and worrying about what emotion was showing through on my face. My nerves were kind of wrecked from the emotional intensity of not only the last fifteen minutes, but the past twenty-four hours as well.
"Yeah," she responded softly. I could see in her eyes that there was more she wanted to say, more she wanted to talk about it, but that she wouldn't bring it up then. I'm sure my tension was written all over my body, and even if it wasn't I had noticed that Allie was good at reading people anyway. She could tell I was spent and decided to respect that, and I was relieved and touched to see it. "Tory," she said a moment later as I braced my hands on the bench starting to stand up.
"Yeah," I replied my voice a bit hesitant. I wanted to get out into the dojo and work off some steam. My body seemed to be suffused with energy and it was making me jumpy and nervous.
In response she simply rose off the bench a little and brushed her lips against mine briefly, but not too briefly. It was just right and I felt more at ease the moment her lips touched mine, a large smile spreading across my face when she pulled back.
I reached out taking her hand in mine and pulled her up off the bench as she laughed, firmly grasping her hand in mine determined to keep hold of it until we reached the practice room.
I was a hands holder it seemed, and looking over at Allie I realized that I was alright with that.
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