DISCLAIMER: Characters are property of Brian K.Vaughan, Pia Guerra and Vertigo/DC Comics.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
SPOILERS: Girl on Girl and Kimono Dragons arcs.

That Lonesome Road
By amluv


It's been three weeks since I left Yorick. Used to be a time when three weeks seemed like a relatively short period of time. Those days are gone now. I've completed my mission, Yorick is safe...happy. Beth seems like a nice girl...woman. God I sound like his mother or something. Damn that boy.

All those years of running around with him and Allison, saving his ass, changed me. It gave me a purpose. I never thought I'd...I never thought I would ever know what it would be like to have a family again. A real family, not the one that the Culper Ring made you think you had within its ranks. The former Agent 355 was proof of that. But that's what we became nonetheless, a real family.

I try not to think too hard about the past. It makes me long for things that shouldn't. But despite all my training and the discipline that came with it, I can't help it. I try hard not to think about how much I miss her. I wish I had the courage to tell her how I felt. In my mind, there wasn't any point in doing so, I had a mission to complete and there was no guarantee that I would even survive it. I wanted so much to tell her why I became distant after that night we spent together. It was easier for her to think I was uneasy about it. And I did nothing to disabuse her of that notion. Nor did I dissuade her from thinking I was in love with Yorick either. At the time it seemed far less cruel to let Allison think those things than tell her that even though I loved her, my heart nor my life were mine to give.

I want to go back to Japan, but it's too late. She's happy with Rose now. Who am I to compromise that for her? Rose loves Allison. She could give her everything I couldn't. Part of me is thankful for that and part of me hates her for it. I hate the fact that I will never know that touch, that scent, or taste again. Allison haunts me like a sin from the past. She's become a relentless phantom of my deepest desires and for the first time in my life, I don't know what to do.

The night we made love unleashed something inside of me that I'd forgotten was there. I got sloppy after that. I had to regain control of my emotions in order to carry out my duty. It was one thing if I died, but I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if anything happened to my family. I had already lost one, I sure as hell wasn't going to lose another. But in the end, I lost them anyway, not to a bullet or a blade, but to change. I want to go back to Japan, but it's too late. Allison's happy with Rose...Yorick's happy with Beth...and I... The road I travel now is a lonesome one, but I have faith that eventually it will lead me back to the ones I love.

The End

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