DISCLAIMER: Criminal Minds and its characters are the property of CBS. No infringement intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Huge thanks for my beta, audiopineapple. Feedbacks and comments are appreciated!
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
SPOILERS: Up to Season 4.
How we lose, how we win
By frenhu
Part 4
The dinner is so enjoyable with everyone around here that I forget for a few minutes about my absurd situation. Everyone is so comforting, understanding, loving. I don't know how I deserved this but I will never ever let it go again. They are truly my family.
A few hours later, when we are about to leave and start to move outside, Emily excuses herself to the restroom.
As I put on my coat, I hear some woman from the other side of the place says loudly "Hey, Sweet Cherry, don't you try to take one more step!" and I wouldn't even pay attention to this but I see Prentiss suddenly stop and grin at the mysterious, tall blonde. Hmm, Sweet Cherry?? That's interesting…
"Oh my God, Zsófia!!! Is that you? I can't believe it! How long has it been? 12 years? You look fantastic! How are things back in Europe?" – they hug tightly.
"Emily, wow! I just arrived yesterday from the old continent…never thought I would run into an old….friend… I still can't believe this! Look at you, you are glowing! Well, well, I think you found your happiness here, so tell me, who makes you so happy?" I can see a wink on the blonde's face and I know in that instant that I don't like this woman.
I can't hear the rest of their conversation because they move a bit further away but their body language indicates that they are close…very close. I don't recall seeing Emily with anyone that close…hey, what was that? Why did the blonde raise her hand to brush Emily's hair behind her shoulder? Why did she touch her arm? Why…., oh, I realize just now: they were lovers.
The talking continues and I see them hugging again, this time a little longer than it would be necessary, they part and Emily's new friend hands over her business card. The brunette agent takes it elegantly and is on her way to the toilet again but when she is almost at the door, she looks back to the younger woman. And the blonde hasn't even taken her eyes off of Emily.
I must be seeing things. No, it can't be. I thought…I have to get out fast, I need to breath, need some fresh air. So I stumble through my way to the front of the restaurant where the team has already gathered up, puzzled looks stare into my face and all of a sudden I can't meet their gazes so I rest my eyes on the pavement. It is safe.
"JJ, you okay? You look flushed a bit." – a concerned Garcia asks…not so safe after all but I answer.
"Yeah, sure, I'm just completely full and tired. I should get home."
I answer with a rapid, uneasy jabber and I know she sees right through me but I'm grateful that she lets it go this time "Do you want me to take you home?"
"No, no, I will just wait for Emily, um, you go home." – a forced smile here, an agonizing look there…Who am I trying to kid anyway?
"Oookaay…you take care, right? Now, you Guys on the other hand…let's go because this girl needs a little loving tonight, so please decide which one of you will be my partner in billiard…I'm gonna kick ass! And the loser is paying…" – she smiles wickedly, leading the boys to the car.
We said our goodbyes and after a few minutes they drove away, I felt someone standing behind me.
"Ow, where are the others?" – I turn around and try to hold my anger inside. Right now I just want to swallow Emily in half.
"I told them I'm a bit tired so we should call it a night. Shall we go?"
"Hmm…sure…where to?"
"To my apartment, if it's not a problem."
"Not at all." – we head for the car and the tension is so thick between us that I can almost touch it.
She doesn't know that I saw them.
I'm not even supposed to feel this way but I just can't stop myself. I feel like I've been betrayed and I know it's silly and not fair…I can't stop thinking about the other woman, jealousy rising heavily in my chest and I'm fuming inside, almost revealing my inner turmoil, although I know I must stay calm. Yeah, right, easier said than done with all these damn hormones…
During the drive we don't say a word and she must sense my 'don't-you-dare-talk-to-me-mood' because she doesn't even try to start a conversation. Pregnant woman with raging hormones? You better not mess with it…
When we arrive at my condo, I get out from the car silently, go to the door, unlock it and invite her in. In that moment, I see that the answering machine has a new message for me, so I start to listen to it in order to cool myself down but the voice just shakes me up even more because it's Will. The minute I hear his tone I slam the phone down and Emily snaps her head up, questioning me with her look.
I can't control myself anymore so the words come out of my mouth like gun-fire: "You couldn't have been more obvious at the restaurant. God, and I thought that we…oh God, I was so naïve."
"Jennifer, what - what do you mean?" – she asks blankly but it doesn't stop me to let out the steam.
"What do I mean? Are you serious? You were the one who was all flirty with that blonde over there and I so stupidly thought that the other night….it meant something. Obviously it didn't and I was mistaken" – I'm pacing up and down as my nervousness and unfortunately, my pain gets the worst out of me – "I shouldn't have thought that maybe you felt that as well, that everything that happened last year and…"
"No, no, no, you can't do this. You just fucking can't do this!! You can't accuse me of anything because you were the one who hooked up with the convenient, handy guy, the good man. You were the one who got pregnant and married in the first place and then moved to New Orleans with, assumingly, the love of her life. You were the one. And you don't have the right to say anything at all because you left. You left and I fucking stayed. You found your man, settled down, got your ideal life with a husband.
You were the one who wasn't here when my mother had a heart attack or when I needed someone the most. Because you chose otherwise. You. So don't you ever tell me what I should or should not do because it's not your goddamn business!"
"I….I…"
"Yeah, that's what I thought…well, I think we cleared that up just fine…pull yourself together JJ and leave my private life alone."
She says the last word with so much force that I flinch. She is totally right and I know that. She knows that…I can't argue with her: I wasn't here, I simply ran away. I was afraid to face what was right in front of me, so I gave everything up, my life, my job, my team for….what exactly? For an idyllic life? For an illusion? I was so engrossed in my selfish little life I didn't even notice….but I do now. We are right here, in front of each other, in my apartment, just a few steps between us…I'm just as ready as I ever will be. I'm jobless, I'm pregnant, I abandoned a husband and a father. And have feelings for my colleague. The perfect moment.
So I step closer to her, our mouths are inches apart but she doesn't back away. Eyes on eyes, daring me, waiting for the first move…I don't care anymore: I lean in and I kiss her. It's just a short, light movement but I know I want more. When we part I hear her asking:
"What was that??"
"I don't know."
"What does this mean?"
"I don't know."
"D-d-do you want me to leave?"
"No…" – my heart pounds, my blood rushes through my body as she captures my mouth, claiming it like she has every right. We crush together again so hard I'm afraid we will shatter, break down into pieces. However, we don't fall, we don't tear apart despite the fact that my legs shake and my hands tremble…we explore each other... her delicate tongue dances with mine… I still don't know what this is but I don't want her to stop. She makes it so easy, I just want to be lost in that feeling…so with all the power I have left, I give in...