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Lost Without You
'Where you used to be, there is a whole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling into at night. I miss you like hell'
(Edna St.Vincent Millay)
Alex needed to get out of their apartment and away from the city. She got on the road and just drove, not towards anything, but away from everything.
Three weeks, 9 hours and 28 minutes. That's how long it had been since the love of her life had been cruelly taken away from her. At first she was in denial, she refused to believe that the detective was truly gone from her life. It wasn't until she stood at her lover's graveside after the funeral that it finally hit her full force. Elliot had remained by her side and when he laid a hand on her shoulder that was all it took for the usually strong, composed ADA to break down. She collapsed into his arms and cried until there were no more tears, but still her body continued with tearless sobs afterwards.
Since then she had spent her days at home grieving, trying to choke back the tears and come to terms with her loss but in the end she had been unsuccessful. The pain she felt from the loss of Olivia was just too unbearable and she could feel the darkness ever slowly consume her. However that did not matter to her, not if it meant she could be with the woman she loved again.
Alex finally pulled her car to a stop; she didn't know how long she had been driving but came to the conclusion that she was probably somewhere in New Jersey guessing from the look of the area and all the woodland around her. She got out and started walking in the direction ahead of her, continuing until she came across a mountain ridge. She looked out across the landscape and admired the view, Olivia would have loved this, she thought to herself. It was a beautiful day, the skies had been clear and sun was now beginning it decent below the horizon bathing the area in a warm glow of reds and oranges
The tears in the blond's eyes were already threatening to fall once more, she tried to hold them at bay but it was hopeless. She fell to her knees and lowered her head into hands. She just couldn't handle knowing she would never see the beautiful face of the detective again. So many thoughts and feelings were rushing through her that she didn't realise she had begun talking into the wildness around her, when she did though she continued, thinking it may just help to ease the crushing feeling in her chest.
'It's as if you're still here, I can feel you Liv and I don't wanna let you go.' The tears were still flowing down her face but resting herself more comfortably on the ground she continued to speak. 'I'm lost Liv, somewhere along the way I've lost my path, lost a part of me and without you I have no idea how to find my way back. I don't even know if I want to'. It was then that Alex pulled out Olivia's spare service weapon that she had been concealing in her pocket ever since she had come home from the funeral. She cradled the gun in her hand while using the other to wipe away the tears which streaked her face
'I can't stop thinking about you. You meant everything to me. I miss having you holding me and feeling you're arms wrapped around me. I miss kissing you and I miss being woken up with your soft lips caressing the back of neck. I miss everything about you . You're were my safe haven, my home Olivia and now that's gone from me'
The tightening in her chest was unbearable and Alex's body was soon racked with sobs again as she acknowledged her profound loss. She looked up to the heavens above as grief overcame her, her words spoken with a soft whisper, 'I can't do it, not anymore. I just can't live without you.' Closing her eyes she lifted the hand which held her beloved's gun and held it against her temple.
'Alex what do you think ya doing?'
The ADA's eyes soon shot open upon hearing the familiar calm voice of her lover. 'Liv is that you?'
'It sure is sweetheart'
Alex then felt a hand slide across her own, lowering the gun to her side while another came to wrap itself protectively around her waist. 'This isn't the answer Alex'
She had closed her eyes again not wanting to believe it, instead beginning to think that she was hallucinating. 'You died. It can't be. It's impossible.'
'Please open your eyes for me sweetheart. Yes I died but this, this is real. Don't ask me how, something's just can't be explained with words.'
Opening her eyes the blond was soon staring into familiar deep brown orbs she never thought she would see again. 'Oh my god .it's ...it's really you. What are doing here?' Olivia placed a gentle kiss upon the Alex's forehead and then moved her hand to gently cup the blonde's face.
'You saved me Alex in a thousand different ways on a thousand different occasions, starting with the day that I met you and now .now I'm here to save you. And plus I'm not quite ready to let you go yet either'
Alex moved to wrap her arms around the brunette's and then nestled her face into the crook of Olivia's neck. She breathed in the familiar scent of leather mixed with that distinct perfume she knew the detective always wore. 'It was never meant to be like this Liv, we were supposed to grow old together.'
Olivia could feel all the pain and anguish that Alex felt and knowing that she was the once causing it tormented her. That's why she had to come back; she couldn't let Alex succumb to the darkness despite how much she wanted to be with her. She guided Alex to the floor and wrapped her arms around her in a secure embrace, trying to give her lover as much comfort as possible. She then began to softly speak, all the while continuing to hold Alex in her arms.
'Sweetheart I don't have much time but I've been given a second chance and there are some things I need you to know before I go. My heart never knew love till the day I saw you. My days have been filled with so much love and happiness because of you and I am so thankful you came into my life Alex. No amount of words could ever sum up all of the moments that we've shared. The moments that made us the couple we were and the moments that made me fall deeper in love with you every day.'
Alex had moved from her position in Olivia arms in order to look at her directly, looking into her eyes she could see the rush of emotions running through the detective. She hugged her close as she continued to speak.
'Remember all of the good times we shared and think of the love that we shared. I want you to mourn me, and remember me. Then I want you to keep on living for the both of us and to keep doing what you do best; putting the bad guys where they belong.'
Alex let out a small laugh and Olivia couldn't help but smile. There was no sweeter sound as far as she was concerned.
'I'm so sorry that I have to leave you Alex, I could never willingly leave behind the most precious thing in my life. Know that everyday I will be watching over you. I will be there whenever you need me sweetheart, I promise you. I'll be there without fail always.
The pull in Olivia was growing strong and she knew they didn't have long. Alex sensing this stood both of them up and entwined their hands together before resting her forehead against Olivia's
'This is so hard; I can't imagine a life without you Liv. We had so many plans .'
'Right now It's difficult I know but it's gonna get easier as each day passes, I promise you sweetheart. Trust me you're gonna be ok'
Alex let out a sigh as tears once again escaped from the corners of her eyes. 'I love you so much Olivia Benson. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being my friend, my lover, my partner and above all else thank you for being my wife.'
Olivia leaned in and placed a kiss upon the blonde's temple before capturing her lips for one final kiss
'It's not your time Alex. We'll be together again someday, I promise you.'
Looking into the crystal blue eyes of the love of her life one last time, Olivia knew that she was going to be ok. The pain was still there but she could once again see the light glisten in her eyes. Letting go of the ADA's hand, Olivia then turned and headed back into the words not before whispering her final words.
'I love you Alexandra Cabot, always have always will'
The last of the suns rays were streaming through the trees. Alex could feel their warmth upon her skin, as the darkness which had plagued her thoughts at last began to depart. For the first time in days she finally had some hope that maybe, just maybe she would be able to make it on own with the comfort of knowing that Olivia was still there to keep watch over her.
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