DISCLAIMER: Madam Vastra, Jenny Flint and Strax all belong to whomever owns the rights to Doctor Who, of course. Not sure who that might be right now, but BBC for sure at least. Thank you Moffat and co for creating the sword-slinging Silurian Detective and her lovely wife, now please give them their own little mini-series... pretty please? :P
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Had a little bout of inspiration (heavily encouraged by Callie who really wants more Vastra/Jenny fics to read XP), and managed to produce a few snippets. Don't know if anyone on this list like Doctor Who, but still... here's a little splooorp about that brilliant Silurian Detective and her funny, not at all dirty, mammal wife.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
FEEDBACK: To rosmari.karlssonfaltin[at]telia.com
Of Love and Weaponry
By Carola "Ryûchan" Eriksson
"What, pray tell, are you doing with that?" She asked somewhat warily, watching the petite woman hefting the rather large weapon.
"Preparin'." Was the terse answer, just barely gritted out from bared teeth as tiny knobs were pulled, switches switched, and various indicators blinked and beeped upon the shiny metal casing.
Jenny Flint was in quite a mood.
"The Doctor gave us that for emergencies only, dear." Vastra tried again, torn between caution – Jenny's temper was not to be trifled with, for all her deceptive size, Vastra knew – and amusement and not quite certain what had brought this on. There was a small element of arousal as well, of course, seeing her beloved handling weaponry tended to have that effect on her.
"T'is an emergency." Jenny growled darkly, dangerously, and not noticing the small smile she brought to green lips. "If that... man," Vastra admired the venom and utter contempt Jenny managed to pack into that one small word. "thinks 'e can come 'ere with 'is filthy words an' greasy 'ands... there will be an emergency." She hefted her much too large weapon threateningly. "A big one."
A quiet sigh of relief escaped Vastra as she realized that at least it was not she that had unwittingly brought her beloved's ire upon herself, this time.
"While I agree with your assessment of Lord Collins, dear, and will quite happily have him mysteriously disappear if you wish it," She flashed a winning smile at the frowning woman, whose expression rather despite herself softened slightly at the sight. "this..." Vastra put a careful hand on one of the barrels. "will take most of our lovely house along with him, as well as a fair chunk of the neighbourhood." She paused and smirked a little at Jenny. "I hardly feel that this vermin of a male warrants that large a sacrifice from us." A slight pause. "Do you, my dear?"
A reluctant grunt is her reply, before Jenny has released the weapon and allowed Vastra to deftly pluck it away. She crosses her arms moodily over her chest as Vastra quickly runs her fingers over switches and settings until the weapon is idle.
One weapon neutralized, Vastra thinks as she places it just out of sight in a nearby doorway, leaving it there for Strax to retrieve, and one more to go. And her beloved requires a bit more effort to disarm, and, Vastra proudly admits to herself, is probably nearly as dangerous if detonated.
"Try to endure his presence for now." She says soothingly to the huffy figure that is currently glaring at their front entrance as if the doors themselves had committed the gravest of offence. "The Inspector has to bring him because of this case, but I doubt they will linger more than they need to. The case is all but solved, and after we are unlikely to cross paths with Lord Collins again."
"You didn't 'ear what 'e said." Jenny growled again, causing Vastra to smile at her fondly. "You didn't 'ear what 'e said about you."
"That he boasted that he would, how did he put it? Free me from the sad solitude of a widow's life, and add my fortune and London fame to his own? I believe he said something to that effect." Vastra's lips twisted a bit in disgust, but she was still more faintly amused by his ignorance than she was offended by his arrogance. She placed little importance to people of his sort anyway. "I overheard him speaking to one of his companions last time we met."
"You didn't 'ear the rest of it then?" Jenny's dark eyes bored into Vastra's pale blue ones intently. "You didn't 'ear what 'e said 'bout you, what 'e said 'ed... do to you."
Vastra blinked slowly. No, indeed she had not heard anything along the lines of what Jenny's anger and expression suggested, although she could imagine the gist of it, and she wouldn't have thought Lord Collins to be quite that bold. It wouldn't really have mattered to her unless he tried something with her in person, at which point Vastra would put him in his place of course, but this... that impudent little man had upset Vastra's mate, and for that she might just have to make good on her earlier words of a sudden disappearance.
Gently she pulled Jenny to her feet and wrapped her arms around her. Jenny shuddered a little and returned the embrace.
"Be brave, little one." Vastra murmured into a nearby pink ear. "Today's meeting will be as short as I can make it, after which he shan't have reason to come near us again. And if he returns for any other purpose..." She smirked, knowing that Jenny would hear it even if she could not see it. "Well, you shan't have to cook for me that day."
Jenny chuckled quietly, as Vastra knew she would, and they drew apart slightly to look at one another.
"They will be here any moment now." Vastra sighed regretfully, she would much rather have spent the day attending her beloved and her upset feelings, but these little charades with Scotland Yard and the like were, unfortunately, a necessity of the profession they had chosen. Or that had chosen them, Vastra was unsure of which claim would be more true, honestly. "We had best prepare."
"Alright. I'll bring the tea to the study." Jenny acquiesced, but spared one last dark, serious look at Vastra. "If 'e so much as touches you though..."
Her reply was a tinkling little laugh and a loving kiss placed on the top of her head, before Jenny relented and made her way towards the kitchen.
She didn't see Vastra nimbly pick up the hidden weapon and on quick and silent feet secure it under coded lock on the other side of the building.
It very nearly could have been over and done with without too much of an incident, well, without outright threat of violence at least, but alas it was not to be. Lord Collins, whether emboldened by the presence of the companion he had brought despite the Inspector's protests, or the generous glass of fine whisky that he served himself from Vastra's decanter display, decided to act quite... foolishly.
He had, almost from the moment he stepped inside the door, hovered just shy of outright rudeness with his suggestive remarks veiled as flattery. Vastra had ignored him for most part, feigned not to hear or notice his behaviour, or even openly ignored him to instead discuss the case with Inspector Abberline.
The Inspector, while not a bright man by any stretch, had eventually caught on enough to become embarrassed and tried to steer the conversation in a way that blocked any untoward comments. Once he realized that Lord Collins was availing himself to Vastra's decanters quite unbidden he stumbled through an apology to the ladies present and then attempted to march the other men with him out of the house. It was a good attempt, but unfortunately it failed.
Lord Collins' companion smoothly managed to derail the Inspector, luring him out ahead of them and allowing Lord Collins to remain behind with Vastra. Jenny was by convention rather forced to see the two men to the door, leaving Vastra alone with the smirking fellow who did not appear to have the slightest clue whom he was dealing with.
To be fair, it did not take long. Whatever was said or done in the study, it did not take long at all until Vastra, her bearing as commanding as it could get and her demeanour forbidding, threw open the door that had mysteriously closed once Jenny and the others had stepped away from it. Lord Collins staggered through it, his eyes wide and his face pale, while clutching at one wrist as if it was broken. Perhaps it was.
His momentum was brought to a halt by the sight of Jenny, lounging in a large settee in the hallway with one leg thrown over the other, wearing the tight pants, vest and boots outfit that might make other people of her era think that she was preparing to go riding.
She was also calmly polishing her katana.
Vastra's annoyance faded and a small but delighted smile emerged, as the sight of her wife in tight pants and wielding a blade always tended to lift her spirit. It also made her wish she could just toss the annoying ape present through the nearest window, so that she could ravish this lovely woman of hers as was good and proper.
The blade twisted and twirled as Jenny peered down its length, ostensibly looking at its shiny edge. The end of it weaved lazily in the air quite close to Lord Collins, at first directed at his face but lowering with the twirls and twists until, with a few absent-minded jabs, it threatened the front of his pants.
Beaming with love and pride at her wife, Vastra didn't care if she sounded unbearably smug. "As I said, Lord Collins... I am a quite happily married woman."
Jenny glanced up at her and smirked, the two of them momentarily locked in that gaze while their visitor, beyond pale by now and with both hands protecting the front of his pants, tried very hard not to relieve himself.
Into this tableau Strax walked, his arms packed to overflowing with knives and blades of all kinds and sizes. "I brought them, as you requested." He piled all the weapons onto the decorative table, picked up a few that spilled over, and turned to Jenny with an undeniably excited expression.
"Are we declaring war upon someone?" He asked eagerly, glancing from the weapons, to Jenny, to Vastra. "Is it the Moonites? Shall I fetch the grenades and acid fish?"
Then he noticed the man cowering next to them. "A-HA! It must be you, boy!" He quickly glanced at Vastra and Jenny to check if he had gotten the gender right this time. They both smiled at him, and Strax straightened himself a little bit, even happier now. "Are we to declare war upon this disgusting human?"
"Maybe." Jenny smirked as Vastra gave her a brief mock reproachful look.
Strax' grin was so wide it threatened to split his face, and he bounced slightly in place. "Really? I mean-" He cleared his throat, then spun to point a threatening finger at Lord Collins while thundering with a surprisingly cheerful voice. "We declare war upon your House, filthy human scum!"
Vastra and Jenny had explained to him, repeatedly, that Earth was their planet too, so there would be no declaring war upon the home planet of anyone actually living on Earth. On some days Strax even remembered that, and had tried to adjust the traditional declaration accordingly.
Clasping Lord Collins' shoulder with one large hand, Strax began waddling him down the hallway while loudly and happily extolling the skills and feats of them as Sontaran warriors – forgetting for a moment that neither Jenny nor Vastra were Sontaran – and informing the whimpering man alternately to dread and to look forward to their charge.
"Look at 'im." Jenny marvelled as she sheathed her sword. "'E's so happy." She looked at Vastra. "Couldn't we let 'im blow up 'is privy at least?"
"Mmm. I suppose so." Vastra paid not one ounce of attention to Strax or their visitor, she was quite busy staring increasingly hungrily at her incredibly delightful wife. "As long as no-one gets hurt." She murmured absently, her eyes glued to her wife's pretty pink lips.
Smiling to herself as she noticed Vastra's preoccupation, Jenny put the sword aside and began pulling at Vastra's long black gloves. "What did 'e do?"
"He spouted some trite nonsense." Vastra hummed in approval as Jenny removed one of the gloves and started in on the other. "Offered to take pity on my poor ostracized self and rescue me from widowhood." The other glove came off. "And he grabbed at my posterior."
The smile vanished from Jenny's lips. "WHAT?!"
"Well he tried." Vastra quickly tried to placate. "I believe I may have broken his arm in punishment."
"Strax!" Jenny shouted, and the Sontaran froze in the doorway, one hand still holding Lord Collins in place outside while the other man desperately tried to flee. "You 'eard about the privy?"
"Yes!" Strax called back happily. "I will blow it up magnificently!"
"Make sure Collins is close enough to be introduced to the contents, yeah?" Jenny requested evilly while trying to pretend that she hadn't been reaching back for her sword.
Strax whooped in delight, let Lord Collins go while he howled after him. "LOOK FORWARD TO MY ACT OF WAR, FILTHY HUMAN!"
Then the door slammed, and Jenny and Vastra heard Strax cackling with glee as he ran on heavy feet towards his room to spend hours planning out his attack.
Once Strax was suitably far away and the two of them were alone, Vastra pulled Jenny to her feet and tightly into Vastra's arms. Jenny wrapped her arms around Vastra's neck, and then proved the superiority of pants by wrapping her legs around her wife as well.
They shared a smirk and a long, smouldering look before Vastra leaned in and inhaled, deeply, and murmured into Jenny's ear. "Bed?"
Jenny growled back, playfully. "Bed."
The End