DISCLAIMER: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and its characters are the property of NBC and Dick Wolf. No infringement intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks to Sofrost, my guide, my advisor, my guardian angel :) It's kinda angsy, and i don't think i'm going to apologise for that, it's actually based on real life. Obviously not the professions or the two women named, but it is based on two real life women.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Sitting on the chair by the open window I watch her sleep. I never thought in a million years that I would be lucky enough to have her in my life. I often wonder why the hell she's with a fuck up like me. I've never been 'lucky' in love; in fact I've never been in love. I've certainly never been loved. Who could, who would want to, love someone like me. I hurt everyone around me. It's like a talent, it comes effortlessly to me. Something as simple as a look can hurt someone. Apparently I wouldn't be any good at poker, I don't have a 'poker' face when I'm not working.
I'm waiting for the day that I hurt her and I'm scared. This time will hurt more. Each new day I fall more in love with her than the last, and she says she loves me back. The amazing thing is that she said it first. She told me she loved me. One day we were arguing over the outcome of a case in her office while she was getting ready to go out for lunch with me. As I held the door open for her, she just turned around, kissed me and said, 'I love you.' It was so unexpected; to say that I was shocked is an understatement. I hadn't ever been told that I was loved. Even my own mother never said it. I never knew if she loved me or not. I just assumed not, not with the way she treated me, like I was an inconvenience. Although I understood why she was so volatile towards me, she still left invisible scars that will never heal.
So when Alex said it that day before leaving work, she totally floored me. Lunch was postponed as I cried for an hour solid afterwards. Once I had calmed down we talked everything out. Although, Alex had admitted that she had only meant it as a platonic 'I love you' she told me that her feelings were anything but platonic. She had fallen in love with me. Thinking back to that time still brings tears to my eyes. For the first time in my life I was loved. Actually really loved.
Glancing out of the open window, I light another cigarette. It's one of the few that I'll smoke throughout the day and always beside an open window. I don't think I'll ever fully give them up and Alex doesn't seem to mind that I'll have the occasional cigarette throughout the day. Contemplating the health implications of my occasional 'treat,' I check the clock on the bedside table. It's still early, too early to justify waking her. I know I should be asleep with her. She'll sleep late today, one of the joys of the weekend for her. A long lie, she'll probably sleep until 10 o'clock. Stubbing out my cigarette, I close the window and crawl back into bed beside her. As though sensing my presence she curls into me immediately. Wrapping my arm around her protectively my heart silently weeps. I know this will end soon. I have to end it soon. I know she will never understand. All she knows is, I love her and she loves me. So why should I want to end something that's so beautiful and pure?
Try as I might sleep never comes. I watch the dawn break with her in my arms. Hues of purples, blues, oranges, yellows and reds burned brightly in the morning sky as the sun pushes its way gracefully over the eastern horizon. The birds that had kept me company with their songs have quietened, as though they had stopped to watch this beautiful daily sight. As soon as the sun had broken through the horizon they sent up a massive cacophony of noise and song. Letting the sleeping world know that a sunrise was not the only wondrous thing nature has to offer.
I remember our first sunset. We had spent the night talking about everything and nothing. All those little things I'm assured all couples talk about during pillow talk. Stupid things like, what band is more 'realistic' and what T.V. show was better Scrubs or Friends. We also talked about the future. Whether we wanted to get married and have children or not. Where the best place to live would be and what would be the safest family car. It was one of those nights that we had stayed up all night talking, neither one of us prepared to sleep and miss any time with each other.
The relationship was still new. Curled up in bed, beside the open window, there was a lull in the conversation; it was at that point the birds had stopped singing too. The number of times I'd saw the sun rise I knew what was coming. Taking her by her hand and gently pull her towards the chair by the window. Sitting on the chair I pulled her down to sit on my lap. I wrapped a quilt around us to ward off the slight chill coming into the warm room from the window. Understandably she wanted to know what I was doing. I just asked her to trust me and wait, it would be worthwhile. And she did. She trusted me enough to sit and wait for the sun to break over the horizon and paint the sky with its magnificent colours.
When it finally did, it was amazing. All the beauty of the world lay out before us. It was easy to imagine a time when the earth hadn't been battered and scarred by the human race. A time where the dawn chorus stopped to enjoy this re-occurring beauty and bask in its radiance as though it wouldn't happen ever again. I'd seen the sun rise so many times in the past that I had lost count, but each time it didn't matter it was just the start or end of another lousy day. The sunrise mattered now, all the beauty that was stretched out before us, and we shared that. I had shared that beauty with her. It was the first time I had ever shared that with someone. I've never felt the need to share with anyone before. This was something that was mine and mine alone to dwell in the darkness of humanity, but now it was ours and it was the light that mattered. Humanities darker side was something that we would combat together.
Now a sunset will be a painful reminder of everything that I'll leave behind when I leave her. Every sunset I see will be a constant reminder of what I have had to let go. Although, I know in the long run it'll be better for her. If I let her go now she won't feel the pain as badly if I let it go on for much longer. I wonder how she will feel about future sunsets. Will they stab at her heart as they will at mine? Would she look at another sunset with another woman?
My heart clenches at the thought of her with another woman. I know that she will date again in the future, she's far too beautiful to be alone, but to actively think of her in another woman's embrace, with another woman's lips upon hers, another woman whispering words of love to her; it all fills me with jealousy. Thinking of her letting another woman take her to the crazy heights of orgasm, clinging to another woman's body, anchoring herself to the present, makes me doubt myself. Could I live with the knowledge that someone else is loving her the way I used to do?
"Can you stop looking at me and go to sleep?" She says her voice laced with sleep.
"I can't help it, you look so beautiful. You're adorable when you sleep." I tell her, kissing the top of her head. It's true. She is beautiful, awake or asleep, just looking at her reminds me of how lucky I truly am. As she opens her eyes, I see how tired she still is. Laying my head on the pillow beside her I trace her face with my fingers. Her eyebrows, nose, cheek bones, and jaw and finally tracing her lips. She puckers her lip and lays a gentle kiss on the tip of my finger.
She startles me slightly by moving and resting her head on my shoulder and laying her arm across my stomach. Wrapping my arms around her I a feeling of calm washes over me.
"I love you." She whispers sleepily.
"I love you too." I reply as her breathing evens out, indicating that she's gone back to sleep. "I just hope you can forgive me someday."
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