DISCLAIMER: None of the SGA characters belong to me. If they did, Elizabeth would’ve come out long ago. Instead, they belong to Brad Wright, Robert. C. Cooper and co.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thank-you Dawn for being my wonderful beta.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

By teh_gandu


All that matters is right now. How true those words were, how true her own words were.

Elizabeth wasn't sure how to feel.

Of all the things she had hoped to see in the Pegasus Galaxy, witnessing her own death wasn't one of them.

Over the past few days, this balcony had become her sanctuary, and people, people continue to invade her space.

What she could do with is solitude and being left alone.

How can they not see that she needs time? Time to process it all, time to understand it all, time to heal, and time to grieve. Why is it so hard for them to understand? Why is it so hard for her to understand? That being said, if she can't understand, then how can she possibly expect others to understand?

She needs time to understand her own death, to understand the meaning behind her own death; was she meant to witness her own death and if so, why?

Yes, there was a reason why the alternate version of her remained frozen for ten thousand years - to prevent the same mistake from happening, to prevent history from repeating itself, and it worked. The alternate Elizabeth and Janus were the reasons why the city rose, why the failsafe was created and why hundreds of lives were saved.

"I cannot possibly imagine what you are going through."

Elizabeth says nothing.

"But it does help to talk…"

Yes, because talking solves everything, doesn't it?

"Sometimes, it helps to talk," Teyla corrects herself, gazing at the diplomat's back. "And I thought I would let you know that I am here, if you ever want to talk. You do not have to put up this front or be on your guard twenty-four-seven. Allow yourself to open up, allow yourself to be true to yourself and others by being honest."

How could she possibly be expected to pour her heart and soul out? She couldn't do that. Opening up, whether it's to Teyla, Sheppard, or anyone else for that matter, was out of the question.

She couldn't possibly open up and reveal her pain and anguish. If she did, then it would make her less of a person and make her weak, and without a doubt, that couldn't be done. After all, she was Doctor Elizabeth Weir: strong, strong-minded, strong-willed, and anything but weak, and for her to open up, for her to pour out her heart and soul….

"Whoever you open to will not see you as less of a person," Teyla says, as if she were reading the older woman's thoughts.

Elizabeth turns around partially. "I'm fine. Honestly, I am." She lies, gazing at the younger woman.

Teyla, however, doesn't buy this lie. "You witnessed your own mortality; I doubt you are 'fine', in spite of what others believe."

Elizabeth smiles wryly, allowing a few moments of silence to pass, before replying, "Thank you for your concern, but again, I'm fine."

Again Teyla gazes at the woman searchingly. "I am always here, if you ever want to talk."

She turns to leave, only for the diplomat to grab her hand. Teyla looks at her in concern, as the older woman's grip tightens.

Elizabeth's eyes search the younger woman's as if she was waiting for some answer, some kind of hope, some salvation. "You won't see me less of a person?"

"No." Teyla replies, her hand still in the other woman's as she stands next to her.

Elizabeth sighs deeply, before opting for honesty. "I don't know how to feel."

Teyla gazes at the older woman, empathically.

"But I guess that's to be expected. I-I mean I have all these emotions and I haven't a clue as to what to do with them." The diplomat leans forward, the soft, cool breeze wrapping around her. "I-it's absurd … (her gaze drops to the view below, watching the waves crash against the pier), to not know how to feel. I mean, I should know how to feel, and yet I don't." She refocuses onto the younger woman. "A part of me still thinks it's a dream and waits to wake up. Then there's the other part of me, the realistic part that's uncertain; uncertain of how to feel, uncertain of what to do, uncertain of what my future holds...I'm scared," she laughs weakly. "I'm scared and uncertain and that's what frightens me and I don't know if me talking to you helps matters or makes them worse."

"It takes time to understand your own feelings. Your feelings will be mixed, one minute you may feel happy, and the next, you feel anger and hatred. When it comes to loss we all experience different pain. Grief takes time; some may not grieve for days, others for months, possibly years."

Elizabeth smiles, faintly. "I bet none of them have come across themselves."

Teyla holds the older woman's faint smile. "No, you are the first."

"Lucky me," she mutters, lowering her head. "Just when I thought things couldn't get any weirder…I find an alternate version of myself." Again she inhales deeply, briefly closing her eyes. "Whilst I was in the infirmary and she was looking at me, it was as if she was sensing my every thought and I was sensing hers, which makes sense, seeing as how we are…were the same person, and yet, at the time, it was very unsettling and it's still unsettling. As far as I was concerned the whole 'Your destiny's already planned out' was a cliché and now … now I find out that it's anything but." She runs a hand through her hair. "If I have a future, does that mean my present has already been planned out? How do I know that my actions won't change the outcome?"

Teyla opens her mouth to speak, but the older woman continues. "Nothing makes sense anymore! My life isn't my life. My life, my world, is falling around me and I'm powerless to stop it. My emotions are out of sync. I'm out of sync. I'm not even sure if I should grieve. She told me to enjoy the moment, enjoy what's here, right now, and all that matters is right now. But how am I supposed to enjoy this (she points towards the ocean) or the right here, right now, when nothing makes sense?" Elizabeth smiles, again wryly.

"I wish I could do more for you." Teyla says softly. "All I can say is: if you want to grieve, then you should, nobody should tell you any different."

"But would it be right? Would grieving for myself be right? It wouldn't even be normal, so how would it be right?"

Teyla holds the older woman's anguished gaze. "I cannot say. Again, do what you feel is right, if you want to grieve then that is your right, who are we to judge? None of us, be it myself, Major Sheppard, Doctor McKay, Aiden…. we have no right to judge you on your every action, and whether or not you grieve, that is entirely up to you. I, for one, will not think any less of you, nor will I judge you." She smiles warmly, taking the older woman's hands into her own. "The alternate version of you had stayed behind for a reason: the failsafe, the stasis, the city rising, hundreds of lives being saved, all of this happened because of her…because of you. She had lived and died for a purpose, and she served that purpose remarkably. Elizabeth, for you, your future starts now."

Elizabeth smiles faintly at the Athosian's informality of calling her by her given name.

"Your life and future has only just begun, you are doing things that she had never imagined doing - you are exploring new galaxies, meeting new civilizations, learning new information every day. You have years ahead of you. Trust yourself, Elizabeth. All that matters is right now." Teyla says, obliviously reiterating the alternate Elizabeth's words.

"I'm not even sure where to begin." Elizabeth admits.

"Start wherever you believe is right."

"I'm not sure how to grieve."

"Do any of us?"

Elizabeth sighs, her voice cracking as she speaks. "This isn't how it's supposed to be."

Teyla leans up, pulling the older woman into her embrace. "I wish I could take away your pain."

Elizabeth's eyes close, as she sinks into the shorter woman's embrace. "Me too," she utters, "me too."

The End

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