DISCLAIMER: Criminal Minds and its characters are the property of CBS. No infringement intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: When I read the news of AJ's non-renewal and Paget's 'downsized' role in Criminal Minds, I was shocked. As my shock turned to anger, I did what I always do in these types of situations: I wrote a spoof to express my displeasure. This spoof was written in June 2010, well before JJ's last episode.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
FEEDBACK: To darandkerry[at]yahoo.com
Network of Injustice
"No, no, no, no, no " Garcia said, teetering on the edge of frantic and shaking her head in disbelief as she hit the refresh button on the newly published article that pronounced that the Boy's Club was very much alive and well at CBS. She stared wide-eyed at the screen as the words took shape once again, but they stubbornly remained unchanged, just as they had the previous ten times she'd made the attempt to erase the horrible injustice.
"It's okay, Garcia," JJ lied through her straight white teeth. How could they do this to her? First, dangling hotness, a.k.a. Emily Prentiss, in front of her on a daily basis, only to strap her with the wimpiest man they could possibly find in Detective William LaMontagne, Jr. and now this, getting rid of her altogether. And just when she was starting to share more screen time and, of course, eye shags with Emily.
"It's not okay," Emily objected vehemently. "We're a team, all of us. How many times has the network made that crystal clear when one of the guys has been in trouble? Now, all of a sudden, we're not?" she huffed angrily. "That's bullshit!" How could they do this to her? They finally allowed her to unleash 'teh gay' in her character and prove her worth to the team and now this, shipping her off to God knows where. And just when she'd managed to get JJ back into her bed, too.
Garcia twirled around in her chair and faced her friends, her expression fearful, hysterical even. "You can't leave me here all alone!" She twisted the feathered tip of her pen so hard it snapped off in her hand. "Take me with you!"
"Hell, Garcia, we don't even know where we're going," Emily said as she pushed her irritating bangs off of her forehead. "I guess they'll have me professing some hidden wish to follow my mother's footsteps." She plopped down in a nearby chair and blew out a resigned breath, fluffing up the fringe that had resettled itself just above her brow. "A diplomat how exciting." Sarcasm dripped from her tone.
"Well, at least you won't have to wake up to Will's face every morning for the rest of your life," JJ said dejectedly as she took a seat next to Emily. "I wonder what epiphany will suddenly befall me. A secret desire to be the best housewife ever? Motherhood?" She allowed her thoughts to broaden. "Oh my God! They're going to make me pregnant again; I just know it!"
"But you haven't been sleeping with Will," Garcia replied, temporarily caught up in JJ's unlikely pregnancy scenario. She tilted her head in confusion and glanced over at Emily.
"Whoa, don't look at me! I didn't do it," Emily protested, holding both hands up in mock surrender. She was damn good, but miraculous, she wasn't.
"Okay, so maybe they won't make me pregnant," JJ said in relief, her focus narrowing once again. "Maybe they'll let me stay in the area, somewhere close." She could always hope for a cameo and, of course, there was also the possibility that she'd run into Emily for a quickie every now and then. Yeah, she thought, staying in the area sounded like the best possible write-off for her.
Garcia gently unfurled her pen's crushed feather. "I can't believe they're taking you away from me. I don't want to be the token female." She knew she could hold her own against the guys, but what was she supposed to do for female companionship? Strauss? Garcia almost choked on the thought.
"Hey, you okay?" JJ stood quickly and crossed over to her friend. She gently patted Garcia on the back. "It'll be okay, Penelope," she repeated her earlier lie. It tasted just as bitter.
"You know what?" Emily said, standing and moving closer to the other women. "Screw the network; let's come up with our own off-camera lives and make a pact to see it through no matter what they try to do to us."
JJ really loved that idea, especially if she and Emily got to continue sleeping together. "Okay, like what?"
"Well, we should probably stick to a line of work that allows us to carry a gun," Emily said, having already decided that they'd have to pry her gun from her cold, dead hands. "Maybe something that would utilize our profiling skills, too," she added.
"What about a detective agency? Kind of like that old TV show, Charlie's Angels," Garcia said with a grin. "And since I have to continue my stint here, I could be Charlie."
"Oh, good one, Garcia. You could be our techno-goddess, too," JJ said excitedly. She'd get to work with Emily one-on-one, up close and personal. JJ licked her lips and wiped her feverish brow.
"I like it, too," Emily agreed. "In fact," she paused dramatically, her mind already churning out a brilliant idea. "I think I know the first thing we should look into." It wouldn't be a paying job, but it would definitely earn huge dividends for both Emily and JJ.
"What?" JJ asked interestedly. Emily made the gig sound great.
"The effects of the oil spill in the swamplands of Louisiana," Emily said with a wink and a huge grin. JJ, however, missed the connection.
"Um, why would we want to do that?"
Garcia caught a clue and elaborated briefly on the unspoken part of the plan. "Great idea, Emily, and Will should go, too," she said with a return wink. "I'll keep Henry for the weekend."
JJ frowned. "Will?" Why would she want to bring Will along? She had Emily.
"Yeah, Will," Emily said with a gleam in her eye. "We'll need someone to show us around the swamps. The area is so big and so isolated, and there are all those alligators, too."
"But " JJ started but stopped abruptly. She smiled in understanding. "Yeah, there are a lot of them." She pushed Garcia's chair and Garcia back toward the keyboard. "Find us a flight, Penelope, and I'll call Will."
Emily sat quietly and watched as her two friends mapped out their plans, her own mind trying to work out a few extra details. If she could just figure out a way to bring the Criminal Minds and CBS executives along for the ride...
There were plenty of alligators to go around for everyone.
Return to Criminal Minds Fiction
Return to Main Page