DISCLAIMER: The story, and characters and anything and everything else concerning SG: SG1 belong to MGM, Gekko, Secret Productions etc, they are so not mine and no money is being made from this and no copyright infringement is intended.
SOUNDTRACK: Gollum's Song (LOTR: Two Towers soundtrack). This song has haunted me since I first heard it and Jolinar seemed the perfect character to express its qualities.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
For my love who is my home.

Never Go Home
By Celievamp


I've been hiding here for almost seven months now, subsumed so deep in this man's consciousness that even he does not know I am here. The Nasyans, they are nice people, good people, simple. They love their children, are kind to their neighbours. They live in peace with their land. My host, Altar, is absolutely ordinary, stolid, dependable. He loves his wife Talia very much. He loves this land.

I am afraid that by coming here that I have brought that peace to an end. The Ashrak is coming for me. My subterfuge on Akkenos will not fool him forever. He will find Rosha's body and the body of the mercenary Kav. He will trace Kav's ship to Mele and then to Teba - and then here to Nyasa.

In the mean time I work Altar's fields, I look after his family. I watch. I wait.

Altar found my host on the point of death. I asked him to help me. He agreed. I made myself believe that he understood, that he was willing to become my new host. I made the transition as quick, as painless as I could. And then I blanked his mind of the experience. We resumed his life.

The outworlders came seven days ago. I kept out of their way, especially when I saw the Jaffa. Apophis sect if I was not mistaken. Talia was excited about the newcomers, especially about the woman that travelled with them. Nyasan women have a lot of freedom compared to some societies I have seen but this woman was a marvel to her.

The first deathglider screams over head. Fire blossoms in the trees. The watermill is reduced to matchwood. People screaming all around us, running. Too many lie dead and injured. This is my fault, my fault!

The outworlders help us. They have activated the Chappa'ai to their homeworld, are directing as many as they can through it to safety. I am running with the rest. Altar is desperate to find Talia to ensure that she is safe. I am alert to the fact that the Ashrak may already be here, waiting for me to reveal myself.

The ground shakes violently. The horses are screaming, the stables are on fire. The stench of burning is thick in the air. Altar sees Talia. Despite being close to the open Chappa'ai she runs back towards him away from safety. We know her. She would rather die here than be safe without him. Altar screams at her to run. I give him all the power and stamina that I can. Then we are flying. The heat is terrible, my back burning. Something bright and sharp and hot spears my side and in that moment Altar vanishes and I am all alone in his husk of a body. Talia bends over me, screaming at me to get up to be all right, to come with her to safety. I cannot hear her. I cannot move. So close. So close to the Chappa'ai. I try to regain control of Altar's body if only to tell Talia to run, to leave me and get herself to safety. There is so much more that I could tell her. I lived in the shadows of Altar's love for her for seven months. And he loved her. Having loved and been loved myself with something approaching that intensity I wish to give her the closure that I could not give my own love my sweet Martouf/Lantash. So long together... never to see him again. But how could I face him again, those grave sweet eyes with the things I have done, the lies I have told, the compromises I have made. All for the sake of survival. All for the sake of the cause. But sometimes the cause is not enough.

I grieve and do not know whether it is for myself or for Altar. Then Talia is lifted away from me by one of the outworlders and the other, the woman kneels beside me. "This one is still alive!" she shouts. She leans over me, looks into my eyes. She is beautiful. The others told me that this one had eyes like the summersky and hair the colour of milk and honey but they did not tell me (how could they) that she could be sister to my sweet Rosha.

She pulls at Altar's body, tilts his head back. What is she doing? Does she know? Is she offering herself as my new host? A few minutes more and I will be too weak to make the transition, I will die with Altar (and perhaps it is what I deserve). The woman opens my mouth, places her mouth over mine. She must be offering herself - what else could she hope to accomplish. Again I blind myself to other possibilities. I must survive. If worst comes to worst I can do what I did with Altar and blank this from her mind. Hide. Bide my time. Feeling a new hope I disengage from Altar's body, make one last effort. And.

She falls away from Altar's body. Her body is tense, shaking violently as she tries to reject me. Altar did not know, did not understand what I was. But she does. And she hates me. It takes all my strength to subdue her long enough for me to complete the transition. Our bodies are one even if our minds never meld.

Samantha Carter. Daughter of Jacob and Rebecca. Sister of Mark. Lover of Janet. Mother/not mother to Cassie. Friend and colleague of Jack, Daniel, Teal'c. Scientist. Soldier. So many thoughts, memories. So many fears. Such intensity of emotion. She thinks I am Goa'uld. she does not know, she does not understand. She has no knowledge of the Tok'ra. Blessed Egeria she burns so brightly! If I can convince her that I mean her no harm that we can work together what a partnership this could be.

Instead of soothing her, my attempt at contact has the opposite effect. She attacks me with all the ferocity of a wild animal. The blending has all but exhausted me. I cannot reason with her, her mind is inarticulate with rage, feral with panic. There is no time for finesse. It takes all my concentration to dominate her. I try to shut her down, isolate her from all physical control of her body, but she is strong and desperate. The one called Jack is looking at us. I wipe the blood from my chin, make up a convincing lie and stumble to my feet. We are the only living things here, it seems as we lurch through the chaos and debris towards the Chappa'ai. Nyasa is gone. I cannot grieve, not yet.

We run, she fights me all the way and I realise that she would rather die here than allow me safe passage to her world. The images she throws at me the things she fights to protect. Images of a woman, dark eyes, slender, beautiful. For this one she would give her life. She surges again, rails at me, screams defiance, hatred. At any other time I would admire her strength and tenacity but right now it is just an inconvenience to me. I have to fight to keep her pulling from the man's grasp. We take the Chappa'ai at a flat out run.

And then I am on another world.

"Carter?" The man. Jack. O'Neill. the Colonel (why do these Tauri have so many designations?) looks at me with concern. My behaviour is odd to his eyes. I must take control. "You okay?"

A shield comes down over their Gate. Ingenious. There are many soldiers here. A safe haven or a trap. I cannot decide. "Yeah," I say, imitating Samantha's voice. Inside she keens realising that she is losing. I try to tell her that it is not forever, that as soon as I can make it home I will release her. I want to tell her that I am sorry. But that would be a lie. All I feel at the moment is relief.

"I'm fine. Thanks."

Gollum's Song - LOTR Soundtrack "The Two Towers" performed by Emiliana Torrini

Where once was light
Now darkness falls
Where once was love
Love is no more
Don't say goodbye
Don't say I didn't try

These tears we cry
Are falling rain
For all the lies you told us
The hurt, the blame!
And we will weep to be so alone
We are lost
We can never go home

So in the end
I'll be what I will be
No loyal friend
Was ever there for me

Now we say goodbye
We say you didn't try

These tears you cry
Have come too late
Take back the lies
The hurt, the blame!

And you will weep
When you face the end alone
You are lost
You can never go home
You are lost
You can never go home

The End

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