DISCLAIMER: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit is the property of NBC and Dick Wolf, and being used without permission or intention of profit.
SERIES: Sixth part of the Desktop Confessionals series following A Plain Morning, The Choice I have Come to Fear the Most, The Passenger, The District Sleeps Alone Tonight and Drifting.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
SPOILER: Loss.
Newfound Masses
By JB
From across the lot our eyes meet and lock as the agents pat down you and Elliot. Elliot seems annoyed and even I can see him roll his eyes from where I'm standing. You don't even seem to notice the female agent searching your jacket. Your eyes never leave mine. I can't even describe the feelings that are coursing through me. I can see the same emotions running through you. I can sense the excitement in your eyes, the curiosity in your face. I see the apprehension as well. When the agent hands you back your weapon I can see that you're hands are shaking as badly as mine are.
I start to walk more quickly, closing the space between us. Our eyes are still locked. I don't even notice Evans until he is physically blocking my way from getting to you. I slam into his stocky frame and nearly knock the wind out of both of us.
"What?" The exasperation is clearly evident in my voice but I soften my tone when I see the glistening in his eyes.
"What's wrong?" He shakes his head and pulls me into a large hug. I realize that this is probably pretty emotional for him as well. It's not everyday that one of his cases gets to come home. He places a small kiss on my cheek and I pat his back before we break apart. He gives me a closed-lip smile and says nothing as he jerks his hand into the air. On cue the other agents disperse into their vehicles and before I know it they've peeled out leaving me alone with you and Elliot.
As soon as they're gone Elliot sprints for me. Before I know it I'm lifted on the ground as he spins me in his arms. I laugh nervously. I never have been very close to him before, but obviously things are different now. Things change quickly when you share someone's secrets. I pull my arms around him and inhale his cologne. He always smells so nice. Clean. Comforting in a way that only "dads" do. He puts me back on the ground and we just stare at each other for a moment.
"Hey Elliot...how's it going?" I joke as if it's just been a day or so since I've seen him. He chuckles slightly and taps my shoulder with his fist in response. I'm doing a pretty good job of quelling my nerves for now. It's impossibly hard to hold down my excitement to see you, but as I look around I realize you're no where to be seen. Panic starts to set in in the way it does in my dreams. For a moment I fear I'm going to wake up and you'll be gone again. Elliot follows my searching eyes and places an arm on mine, guiding me closer to him.
"She just needs a minute....you understand...right?" I nod even though I don't understand. What do you need a minute for? Why aren't you out here yet? More than a few minutes pass by before I finally cannot take the waiting any longer. I break free from Elliot's stare and approach the car slowly.
Even from my few steps away I can hear your hushed sobs. As I turn to face the passenger side of the car I see you holding your arms to stop the shaking. I step up hesitantly and crouch down next to you. A few minutes pass and you still haven't turned to me. My fears are building up again, but I don't let them take over. I'm too concerned with you.
"Liv...." My words are barely audible as I push a strand of hair out of your eyes. You start to shake even more and before I know it I've grabbed you into my arms. The racking sobs you let out nearly knock me into the snow covered gravel, and I grab the door to steady myself. Your arms pull me into you closer and tighter than anyone has ever held me and I feel myself grabbing onto you as if my life depends on it. You bury your face into my neck and I hear you take in a large deep breath. You pull me even closer to you once you have. I place my own head in the crook of your neck and immediately your perfume fills my senses. I never realized how much I missed the scent of you. That perfect mixture of light lotion and almost too strong CK One you wear. I don't know how long we hold each other like that, but when I finally try to stand my knees are numb and my legs are asleep. Judging by the snow gathered on Elliots jacket I can tell we've been like this awhile.
From our now standing position you break out of my arms and pull away from me. Your lips are quivering in that way that they do when you're trying to process too many emotions at once. Without checking, I know I'm doing the same. Our eyes haven't broken away from each other and I don't know how long it'll be before we will let them. We search each other's faces in the same way we did the last time we were here. So much is said with no words between us. After a few moments I see you swallow hard, trying to sum up the courage to say what you need to.
"How long?" You ask shakily in the same way you did three years ago. This time I don't look away from you when I go to answer.
"For as long as you want me." I whisper and you pull me back into your arms. You run your hands through my hair and I pull your face into mine. Our lips hesitate just for a moment before meeting. My body nearly collapses at the soft touch of your lips. The contrast between the strong embrace and soft kiss is nearly breaking me and I wish there was some way for it just to be us out here. We break away from each other and you turn to face Elliot. He's got his hands in his pockets, jumping up and down trying to stay warm. You turn to me and smile gently.
"Do you have somewhere you need to be?" you ask me and I shake my head no. I don't want to seem desperate so I don't tell you that anywhere you are is where I am needed. You pull me towards your lips and I'm shocked when your lips don't meet mine. Instead you turn my head towards your mouth and whisper in my ear that you really need to spend some time with me. We need to talk, you say. You even ask me if that's okay. I don't say anything and just nod my head. I think a huge part of me is still scared I'll either wake up from this dream or you'll run away for some reason. I think the truth is we're both just very simply in shock.
You call Elliot back to the car and he jumps in immediately. You bend down and tell him you're going to be sitting in the back. He nods in understanding and you slip into the backseat. You take the seat behind the driver and I slide in next to you. As I go to pull my seatbelt on you place your hand over mine and pull me across the back and into your body. I smile gently and pull the middle belt across my lap. You prop yourself against the door in much the same way I had earlier and I snuggle into you as if time has stood still for us. You place your arm around my shoulders and press your lips to the top of my head as Elliot pulls out in the morning traffic and immediately slams on his breaks to avoid an accident.
"Welcome home." You whisper to me with a chuckle. I look to your eyes before glancing out the window to a sun that has finally managed to make it's way out. I smile widely and snuggle into your arms. The beating of my heart has tapered and my hands shake from excitement and not fear. You place another kiss on my head as I feel sleep trying to take me over again.
"It's good to be home." I hear myself mumble as the haziness starts to fill me. I know I thought this was the hardest part I'd face, but I have a feeling there's still so much more to come. As I finally drift off to sleep I realize that in this moment, in your arms, all I need to think about is the fact that when I wake up you'll still be here. And that's more than I ever thought I'd have again.
The End
Sequel Such Great Heights