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No Room in the Sea for Water
You have no idea how to do this.
You are frightened and lost in this feeling of uncertainty and lack of purpose and you don't know your way out. You always said that you admired Natalia for her faith; you envied her ability to just believe in something. You always thought that you didn't have that. You did. You always believed in yourself. You believed that you knew what you were doing, where you wanted to go and that you knew how to get there.
Standing over her, watching her body move ever so slightly with each breath as she sleeps, you have no idea what to do.
It took the longest time to figure out what you actually wanted and now that you do, you no longer know what you're doing. You've been standing in the open door of your room, unable to move, for over five minutes. You'd called her on her cell, but she hadn't answered, so you'd made your way to your room to check the calendar for anything you might have forgot. Instead of finding out where she could have gone, you simply found her. Crouched into the corner of your bed in a way that clearly indicates that she hadn't planned to fall asleep. The papers on her lap and on the floor confirm your suspicions. You wish you could wake her with a soft kiss. You wish you could let her sleep and just join her. You wish she weren't there so you wouldn't have to face what you are feeling. You wish you could watch her sleep all the time. You wish...
You finally take another step. Just enough to softly close the door behind you before you let yourself fall against it. Your body unable to fulfil the task of keeping you upright without assistance. She doesn't stir. You wish you could move. You wish you could walk those few steps and just gently take those papers away from her and help her into a more comfortable position.
You take another step. You feel wobbly on your feet and you carefully lower the bag you were still clutching to the floor. You wish it would relieve any of the weight you feel on your shoulders. You wish you could let go of your baggage as easily.
Your next step is inevitable. As is the next. You wish you knew where you were going. You wish you knew where this was going.
Carefully, you walk around the bed until you stand on the other side of it, the space of warm blankets and soft cushions now separating you. You wish she would let you give her the comforts of warmth and softness. You wish you could ask for the same.
Your jacket lands on the floor when you shrug it off your shoulders. You sit on the edge of your bed as if it didn't belong to you. You're ready to jump off it at any second. You wish you weren't. You wish there were a space here that was clearly marked 'yours' but only because the rest was marked 'hers'.
Slower than anything you can imagine, you move away from the edge. You wish it didn't feel as if you're falling over it. You wish tumbling hadn't become so familiar that your body reacts to it like a caress.
You end up sitting next to her, your fingers itching with the need to touch her. Another familiar feeling. You wish that you could believe in yourself. You wish you believed that you knew what you were doing, where you wanted to go and that you knew how to get there.
You put your head on her shoulder and she finally stirs. She makes a sound as she licks her lips that you wish you couldn't identify like the back of your own hand.
"Olivia?" She says your name and you wish it didn't mean everything. You wish you could say her name like that. You wish you could answer.
She carefully stretches until she is no longer crouched uncomfortably. You only move in order to stay with her. You end up next to each other, touching only where your head still rests on her shoulder. You wish this were easy. You wish you could do something that would just end this constant uncertainty and simply let you be.
You feel her lips against your hair. She doesn't speak or touch you again. She just stays where she is and you wish you could do the same.
You know that you have to move. You have to move forward even if it moves you apart, because the uncertainty is not something you can take anymore. You can't be the person who doesn't know what she is doing, where she wants to go or how she could get there. You have to move.
She interrupts you before you can finish. Her arms close around you. Half-hugging, half restraining you. It takes a while before she moves again, this time jostling your head off her shoulder and suddenly you are fact-to-face. You wish she would say something as she looks into your eyes.
You watch in fascination as she intertwines your fingers. Her smile is enough to raise your pulse. You wish you knew what the contact meant. You wish it meant everything.
You interrupt her. With a kiss. That was all you needed to know.
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