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ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

We're Not Doing That
By ncruuk



"I don't know Sir..."

"What do you mean?" Bemused, General Hammond crossed the control room to stand behind Sergeant Davies and study the dialing computer's screen.

"Uh, General?" Confused as to the cause of the delay, Jack O'Neill was calling up from the gateroom. He should have been on sunny Px2-T7P by now...

"Major Carter..." Hammond didn't need to explain further, it was fairly clear what was happening, or rather, what wasn't happening...

"On my way Sir..." confirmed Sam, unclipping her pack but keeping her weapons...some habits were hard to break.

"Uh, Sir?" Jack really didn't like being kept out of the loop.

"Hold your position Colonel..." commanded Hammond automatically, causing Jack to look up at the control room in disbelief - his orders were to go through the gate, the gate wasn't working...how the hell could he do anything else?

"General?" enquired Sam, coming into the control room, concerned when Walter immediately relinquished the control computer chair to her, making her wish perhaps she'd given Teal'c her P90...the gun really didn't combine well with a keyboard.

"Take a look, Major..." Bemused, Sam sat down and focussed on the screen, automatically removing her cap and scrubbing her fingers through her hair.

"What did you do Walter?" she asked suspiciously, not liking what she was seeing.

"Nothing Ma'am...it just..."

"This isn't a good thing I take it?" He was in charge of the most technologically sophisticated installation on the planet and his granddaughter programmed the VCR for him...General Hammond and computers didn't exactly mix well.

"No Sir...you better stand SG1 down Sir..." explained Sam, trying not to sound too weary as she stood up and unclipped her P90, before handing it off to a nearby Marine. She wouldn't be needing that for a while.

"What's happening Carter?" asked Jack, coming into the control room having changed back into his base clothes, Teal'c and Daniel following him.

"Not a lot Sir..." replied Sam distractedly, chewing on her lip as she considered the screen in front of her, which was almost arrogantly saying

GateDial_10b has encountered a problem and needs to close. We are sorry for the inconvenience.

If you were in the middle of something, the information you were working on might be lost.

Please tell Microsoft about this problem.

We have created an error report that you can send to us. We will treat this report as confidential and anonymous.

"I'm guessing we're not doing that?" asked Jack, shoving his hands deep into his pockets as the urge to touch something became a little too much to resist.

"No Sir...we're not doing that..."

"Is this computer even on the internet?" asked Daniel, coming to stand behind Sam's right shoulder, making her tense. She loved her teammates, really, but there was a time when....

"Too close guys..." she muttered through gritted teeth, teeth which only relaxed when both men took a self conscious step backwards.

"Sorry Sam..." muttered Daniel, Jack remaining silent but looking sheepish.

"Can we be of assistance Major Carter?" asked Teal'c politely, already deciding he would instruct O'Neill in some more staff weapon teachings since his presence would only serve to irritate the astrophysicist.

"No Teal'c..."

"Very well. Colonel O'Neill..."

"Yes Teal'c?"

"You will come with me." If the technicians were surprised to hear the big Jaffa order the Colonel, they concealed it well.

"I will?"

"Yes Jack...we will..." declared Daniel, understanding what the Jaffa was up to and deciding it was the best plan going. There were times when SG1 was actually just a one woman team with muscle back up....and on those occasions, experience had taught him well...

"Just yell if you need us Sam..."

"Thanks Daniel..." Throughout the exchange, Sam's eyes never left the screen.

"Yeah, later Carter....save the world..." added Jack, shuffling out of the control room, wondering what Teal'c was going to make him do....as long as it wasn't paperwork, he really didn't care.

"Yes Sir..." the response was automatic, as was the next three key strokes Major Carter pressed. You could be a certified genius, but sometimes, there was no other option....she pressed Ctrl-Alt-Del and prayed....

"How's it goin'?" The shifts had changed around Sam, but still she'd sat, hunched over the control terminal, painstakingly combing through her system, trying to fathom how her system had managed to lose her dialling program.

"Not brilliantly..." admitted Sam, finally tearing her gaze away from the screen at the sound of her lover, Dr Janet Fraiser.

"You had anything other than coffee in the last 7 hours?" asked Janet reasonably, knowing what the answer was. When she'd had the report from Hammond twenty minutes after the mission was scrubbed due to the gate not working, Janet had asked the control room to contact her when Sam ate. Funnily enough, she hadn't heard anything yet....

"Does half a packet of Mentos count?" asked Sam, having the decency to blush before returning her concentration to the screen.

"At least you kept your blood sugar level up..." conceded Janet, knowing that Sam would have had the sweets in the pocket of her mission BDUs which she was still wearing, before placing her hands on Sam's shoulders and starting a rather precise and firm massage of neck tendons and muscles which were doing a highly impressive impression of piano wire.

"Jan?" Surprised at her lover's bold behaviour, Sam furrowed her brow in what looked like intense intellectual concentration - actually, it was a desperate attempt not to react to her lover's ministrations in anything other than a totally unprofessional way.

"You've finally discovered what makes the CMO do house calls..." explained Janet, working carefully at a particularly stubborn knot, before continuing, for the benefit of the technicians as much as for Sam, "...you've not moved in over seven hours and now have a tension headache, which I can't medicate because you haven't eaten, but as long as you have the headache, the thought of eating makes you nauseous..." again, there was a pause as Janet worked at another stubborn spot, "...am I telepathic Major?"

"Yes Doctor..." agreed Sam, suddenly spotting something.

"Got it!"

"Really?" Amazed, Janet's fingers stilled as she leant over Sam's shoulder to try and spot what was the cause of the whole facility to grind to a near halt for too long.

"Yeah..." Quickly resetting a few things, the system began the now familiar process of rebooting.

"You've fixed it?" Janet asked the question everyone else was too junior to dare ask.


"It was that easy?"

"Once I'd found it, yeah....full system restore to the last back up will take a while though..." admitted Sam thoughtfully.

"What happened?" The answer to Janet's question came somewhat tangentially, as Sam reached for the microphone and flicked the switch to ensure her announcement was broadcast to the entire base.


"Windows Update?" asked Janet, amazed.

"Yeah..." agreed Sam, carefully standing up and feeling the satisfied pop of far too many vertebrae for Janet's liking.

"You Infirmary....NOW!" demanded the CMO, poking the stretching Sam in the stomach when she started to protest, earning carefully concealed smirks from the assembled technicians, as well as a round of applause, much to the Major's embarrassment.

"What's in Hammond's office?" asked Janet conversationally as they headed towards the infirmary.

"Discharge papers for the twit..."

The End

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