DISCLAIMER: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and all characters are property of NBC and Dick Wolf.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my first attempt at a songfic. Melissa Etheridge's "This is not goodbye" was the inspiration behind the story. The story is mainly from Olivia's point of view just after Alex goes into witness protection.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

This is Not Goodbye
By Tonette1013


Detective Olivia Benson walked into her empty apartment with a heavy heart. She could still remember when the solid wooden door closing behind her made her feel as if she had entered her own private safe haven. The silence used to be welcoming after the madness of New York City streets, now the emptiness mocked her…echoing the gaping hole in her soul…a person sized hole…Alex…

The brunette walked into the living room, dropping her keys and trademark black leather jacket on the dining room table as she passed. She unclipped her gun and badge and put them on the low coffee table before dropping onto the couch and leaning back with a tired sigh. Long, elegant fingers absently traced the dull ache in her temple. She did not know how long it's been since she slept…or if she would ever be able to close her eyes again without seeing the red life stream of her heart's desire bleeding through her fingers onto the hard gravel.

ADA Alexandra Cabot was a class act in every sense of the word, and as far as Liv was concerned, way out of her league. Alex was a blond, blue-eyed goddess, a compassionate and caring friend and a phenomenal prosecutor…and when she put on those glasses of justice…even New York's finest grew weak in the knees…helpless to resist her spell. She was Olivia's every fantasy come true and deep in her heart she had held out a secret hope that maybe, just maybe Alex felt something for her too.

They had been flirting with each other for months now and had recently been spending more and more of their free time together. Alex made her laugh. She had a wicked sense of humor when the councilor persona was put to rest and the real Alex was allowed out to play. Thinking of a laughing, playful Alex brought a bittersweet smile to her face.

Unbidden the image of Special Agent Jack Hammond flashed across her mind. Oh how she would love to kick that bastard's ass all the way to San Francisco and back. He did not even give them the chance to say goodbye. When she found out that Alex was still alive, it was like she could breathe again. The vice that had been slowly crushing her heart was suddenly released, and she wanted to laugh and cry and grab Alex and never ever let her go again.

But she did nothing and now there was so much that had been left unsaid between them…so many things she had been too shit scared to admit even to herself…The beautiful blond had stealthily slipped past the walls she had built around herself and captured her heart. She loved her so much it hurt.

Olivia was still sitting on the couch 2 hours later. Darkness had long since descended over the city, yet no light could be seen inside the apartment. Liv decided that the darkness suited her mood as she angrily wiped a stray tear from her cheek.

How the hell was she supposed to make it through the foreseeable future with no Alex in her life? Without the telltale sound of high heels clicking into the squad room? Without the smoky voice on the other end of her cell phone? Without the sight of the sexy blond in those power suits and black rimmed glasses? Without the tiny smirk that signaled when Alex was particularly amused? Without the little frown between her eyes when she was concentrating? Without those gorgeous full lips that she dreamt of kissing? Another tear followed the wet track painted on the soft olive skin.

It has been 4 days now since she last saw her life with her own eyes… 4 days, 96 hours, 5760 minutes, 345600 seconds…an eternity… Please God wherever she is, just let her be safe, Liv silently prayed.

Her somber mood was interrupted by an urgent knock at her door. Who the hell could that be at this time of night?

"Who's there?" she called out in her no nonsense tone of voice.

"I have an urgent delivery for a Detective Olivia Benson?" the voice answered.

Olivia picked up her service weapon from the table and cautiously opened the door a fraction. She was getting paranoid in her old age. The delivery guy thrust his clipboard in her face and grunted: "Lady just sign the damn thing, I'd like to get home before Christmas!"

Liv scribbled her initials, mumbled thanks and then before she could even offer a tip, he pushed the small rectangular package into her hands, turned around and almost tripped in his haste to get to the elevator.

Olivia shut the door and examined the package as she walked back to the couch. There was no return address on the package, just her name in big, bold letters. Suddenly her grip loosened and she nearly dropped the small package…Dear god, she knew that handwriting, had seen it so many times on legal briefs and messages left on her desk, knew every line and vein in the delicate hand that held the pen….Alex.

Olivia started ripping at the plain brown wrapping paper like a child on Christmas morning. Inside she found a simple silver necklace with an unfamiliar symbol dangling from the delicate chain, a CD and a letter. She looked at the CD cover. It was Melissa Etheridge's new greatest hits CD.

'Why Ms Cabot, are you trying to tell me something about your preferences?' Olivia smirked.

Next she picked up the silver necklace, letting the pendant rest on her palm. The symbol looked familiar, yet she couldn't quite place it. When she reached for the letter she realized that her hands were shaking. Whatever words Alex put to paper was obviously very important to her. Alex must have put up a hell of a fight to get this organized. Being in witness protection meant absolutely no contact whatsoever with your former life.

Olivia grinned as she pictured Hammond and Alex facing off against each other. 'That's my girl!' He probably never even knew what hit him!

As she opened it she caught just the subtlest hint of lavender and Alex. Her eyes hungrily drank in the words and by the second line Liv had tears streaming down her face, her throat felt like she was choking on emotion and her heart mourned and leapt for joy at the same time.

This is what she read:


Please forgive me. Leaving you, without seeing your beautiful smile just one more time, was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. If I wasn't best friends with New York's finest detective, Jack Hammond would be singing soprano for the rest of his natural life.

There is so much I need to say to you. I'm so scared Liv. I wish I could just crawl into your arms and fall asleep with the scent of leather and Liv in my nose. I always feel safe and protected when you're close to me.

I should have trusted your instincts Liv, but I just had to play crusader for justice. Don't be too mad at me ok?

Liv, I know given the circumstances what I'm about to ask is very selfish, but I need to believe that this nightmare will eventually be over and that the good guys will win in the end.

I love you Olivia Benson, with every fiber of my being, and I wish that I had told you sooner. I dream of forever with you Benson. When I doodle I catch myself practicing Alex Cabot-Benson as my new signature. I fantasize about your touch, your kiss. I want to watch you when you come and I want you to make me scream your name in ecstasy. I want to come home someday, Liv.

The necklace is one half of an eternity symbol. I'm wearing the other half. If you feel anything for me at all, please wear it and keep me close to your heart until I return. I know what I'm asking isn't fair to you, but I need to have this shred of hope to help me survive this lonely hell.

My guard dogs are getting antsy. They are moving me soon. I refuse to say goodbye to you Olivia. Listen to track #16 on the CD and you'll understand why I feel this way.

I love you,


"Oh sweetie I love you too. So much. God I wish you were here in my arms too" Olivia whispered softly. She pressed her lips against the pendant once and determinedly fastened it around her slender neck. Then she crossed over to her stereo and inserted the disc. She set track #16 on repeat and walked over to the window with Alex's love letter clutched tight to her heart.

Melissa's gravelly voice floated through the apartment and Olivia felt as if every word was being inscribed on her soul:

Bravely you let go of my hand
I can't speak yet you understand
Where I go now I go alone
This path I walk is days of stone
And the angles are calling
I must go away
Wait for me here, silently stay
And don't ask me why
Only believe, this is not goodbye
All of my strength, all my desire
Still cannot melt this breath of fire
I go to meet some kind of test
Bury the truth that scars my chest
And the angles are calling
I must go away
Wait for me here, silently stay
And don't ask me why
Only believe, this is not goodbye
I gathered all my courage
I shaved off all my fear
With this burden on my shoulder
I hold your essence near
And the angles are calling and calling and calling
I must go away
Wait for me here, silently stay
And don't ask me why
Only believe, this is not goodbye
Only believe, this is not goodbye.

Olivia stared up at the night sky and thought; 'You're right, baby. This is not goodbye. I'm gonna do my damndest to bring you home soon. I promise my love.'

The End

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