DISCLAIMER: Stargate and characters are the property of MGM, Gekko, etc. No infringement of copyright intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: NOTES: 1) There are big thanks to Granger for that scene! 2) I was listening to this song as I was writing this piece and these words just seemed to fit. So, I have decided to use the lyrics as my spoiler space. If you get to the end of these, the spoilers start :)
DEDICATED: To the woman who started it all off and the crew that have stood by me.
SPOILERS: Massive spoilers for Heroes and many other episodes.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Not Mine, Yet Mine
By Debbie
Rocking Horse
(Sara Evans/Matt Evans/Marcus Hummon)
The rocking horse came
From an old oak tree
Just missed the house
When it was hit by lightning
My daddy painted that horse
A midnight blue
Shooting stars and silver horseshoes
And it was something magic out of something frightening
That's how I live my life
I take it as it comes
And I find the hidden love
When it's pouring down on me
In my mind I see
The rocking horse inside the tree
A broken heart
Means deeper feelings
A thorn in the flesh
Means room for healing
Oh salt in your tears
Can open your eyes
Wounded years
Make you realize
It's just something magic out of something frightening
That's how I live my life
I take it as it comes
And I find the hidden love
When it's pouring down on me
In my mind I see
The rocking horse inside the tree
Things aren't always as they seem
Take the nightmare from my dreams
That's how I live my life
I take it as it comes
And I find the hidden love
When it's pouring down on me
In my mind I see
The rocking horse inside the tree
I can still remember that day all so clearly in my mind, still feel myself shaking like a leaf as a drawn and pale General Hammond beckoned me to the dais. He had asked me, as Janet's best friend, to say a few words. But what the hell could I say? Days before, just after all the trouble had happened, he had taken me to one side and asked if I felt up to speaking at her committal service. I had agreed without thinking. I remember looking around the crowded hall from my height at the dais; I could see all my colleagues and more.
There was General Hammond himself. He had counted Doctor Fraiser as one of his closest confidantes on base. Only a CO and his CMO could share the time they spent together, always waiting for the return of their injured friends. Only, this time, General Hammond had had to wait on his own and would… from now on… always wait on his own. On one side of him stood Daniel with his head bowed. Daniel, a dear and close friend to both Janet and myself. Daniel, the one who had held Janet so gently and lovingly as she died. How I wished that had been me. Sometimes, I was jealous of the closeness Daniel and Janet shared, but hey, I could never say anything, could I? On the other side of the General stood Sergeant Davis, Sergeant Siler, and Major Davis down from the Pentagon; all of them here to give their respects to the best CMO Stargate Command could have wished for.
Across from them stood Colonel O'Neill. Colonel Jack O'Neill, the man I supposedly cared for, the man I now resented because he had taken my last few moments with Janet away from me. I know he couldn't help being injured just as Janet was killed, but I still can't help being bitter that I was with him when I could have been with Janet. Beside him stood Teal'c looking as dead-pan as ever, only I could see watery tears in his brown eyes, eyes that reminded me of Janet, eyes that have looked into Janet's as she saved him from death numerous times.
And there at the back, hiding from view, stood my father and Bra'tac. Bra'tac had said he needed to come to say his own thanks to the small woman who had saved his friend so many times, and who, occasionally, had had the courage to stand up to him when she thought he was wrong. My father had come to pay his respects to the best little firebrand he had met in a long time, and to be there to help his daughter through her best friend's committal.
But actually, Janet was more than just my best friend and nobody knew. Not even Janet. Nobody other than myself and, now, Cassie. Given the job of telling Cassie what had happened, the only way I could tell her was by being totally truthful, and so I told her how much I had loved her mom, and how I wished with all my heart I had had the courage to tell her. And, there was Cassie, like my father, hidden away at the back, beside her that nice young man Janet had been so keen on, Dominic. The General had given Cassie special permission to have Dominic beside her, a sign of just how well liked Janet was by the-powers-that-be. Looking at Cassie, I could see support and love in her eyes. She knew what I was going to say, what I believed I had to say, and she gave me a little nod of understanding.
I remember I squared my shoulders and looked directly at Cassie as I began...
"Janet Fraiser was the epitome of a brilliant Air Force doctor. She gave unstinting care and attention to all this command's personnel while understanding the constraints put on her by military rules and regulations. Most of you here will have, at some time, appreciated her gentle medical administrations, and, more than likely, at some time, her determined, stubborn streak. Yet Janet was more than that. She was also a wonderful mother to her daughter, Cassie, a girl I too call 'my daughter'. She was a loving and caring daughter and sister to her parents and brothers. She was a steadfast friend and confidante to anybody that required her help. But, more than that even, she was my best friend and I loved her, more than any of you here realized. The thing I regret most in my life, because of where we work and it's stupid regulations, I never told Janet that simple fact. I never told her I loved her. It is why I want all of you here to know just how much Janet actually meant to me. She made my life at Stargate Command complete; she made my whole life complete. Janet Fraiser will be truly missed."
Afterwards, of course, I realized that what I needed to say probably wasn't what the SGC wanted to hear. But, at the time, my daughter Cassie's needs and mine were of more importance.
Of course after my little revelation things became quite hard at the SGC. I had admitted to feeling something frowned upon by the-powers-that-be, and although the source was no longer available, the thought was now in everybody's mind. I had the support of Daniel and Teal'c since they both had quite a soft spot for Janet. The colonel, however, was a different matter: it wasn't what I had revealed, it was the fact I had never trusted him enough to tell him, and the fact that I had mislead him regarding my feelings for him. He realized, about the same time I did, that that had all been my big smoke screen, and that knowledge, to him, was intolerable. It became uncomfortable to work at the SGC. I decided, in my wisdom, that I wanted out, and yet, without Janet there was nothing to keep me on Earth, so to speak.
I talked it through with Cassie, the only person that deserved a piece of me. She was going off to University and was more than smitten by Dominic. His parents were willing to be there for Cassie, and so I approached General Hammond. I had decided that my desire to help save the world could still be satisfied by joining the Tok'ra's fight. General Hammond was not surprised by my request. He told me that he had spent a lot of time with Janet and that he had an idea how she felt, and that he understood my hidden feelings. This of course surprised me, which I guess it shouldn't have really. He might have been my superior officer but he was also one of my father's, and therefore one of my, oldest friends and, as such, wanted what was best for me. He then gave me a letter from Janet. Those of us in active service often do this; leave letters with our superior officers, so that if anything happens we can tell our loved ones what we felt. I never realized Janet, as CMO, felt this a necessity. I never dreamt it would be me receiving hers.
Do you know what she said? She said that she had loved me as more than a friend from the moment I had brought Cassandra to her. She had never dared voice her love because she knew how set I was into Air Force rules and regulations, but that, if the worse happened, she wanted me to know that her love was safe in my heart and that she would always be with me. She hoped I found someone to share my life with, and would I please look after "our" daughter Cassie. Her very final words to me brought home the ridiculous mistake we had made. She said that, although we had never said anything, she knew that I loved her, and then she thanked me for making her life complete.
And that is how I found myself laid on a hospital bed staring into fathomless brown eyes.
My father, via Selmak, negotiated my acceptance into the Tok'ra ranks. It was deemed that, although I had no symbiote present, I did have the thoughts and remnants of a quite powerful Tok'ra within me. Added to this was the fact that I could activate the Tok'ra healing devices, and that the protein marker within me was readable by all the Tok'ra security devices. Saying goodbye to my life on Earth, I joined the ranks of the Tok'ra's dwindling force.
For eighteen months plus we fought a long hard battle against the Goa'ulds Anubis and Klorel. Klorel, of course, had a major reason to hate Earth and all her allies. He was the Goa'uld that used the body of Skaara, Jack O'Neill's "son"; the Goa'uld that we had banished from Skaara's body by the Tollan's triad. He had then been exiled to some Goa'uld home world and had obviously found a new host. It took us months to find any Intel on this new threat, but once we found his history it was easy to see why Anubis and Klorel were fighting together. They believed that if they brought down Earth they could bring down the whole universe.
What they didn't realize was that the Tok'ra, although allies of Earth, were a completely independent body that still considered the Tau'ri too weak and primitive to be able to help them in many ways. Although their work with Earth was more of an alliance than they originally intended, it was still very much a case of feeling Earth was helping them not the other way round. So, if Anubis and Klorel ever inhabited Earth they would still have some degree of resistance to overcome.
Me, I hated the Tok'ra with a passion, but at least I got to spend time with my father, and at least I got to fight the Goa'uld with hardly any military restrictions. I could be as aggressive and as reckless as I cared to be. It wasn't a death wish as such, although I know my father thought it was, but without Janet, I had no reason to play it safe. Truth be told I knew Cassie was happy and safe, and always would be if I did my job properly, and so I didn't really have a care in the world. I was forever getting hurt, but the Tok'ra healing device was pretty nifty in that respect. I hurt, I healed, I missed Janet's tender ministrations, and deep down, I guess I wanted to join her.
Then, while hiding out in a temple on some world or other my whole life changed. It's amazing how constantly moving base as the Tok'ra did, made one very blasé about where one actually was. While with SG1 I would have been horrified to not know where I was, but here I just didn't care. So, this temple was somewhere and it had a Quantum mirror, just sitting there in the corner, waiting for my inquisitive mind. As I peered into the lens my heart skipped a beat. There in the lens, as if looking at a movie playing, was a massive firefight playing out. There appeared to be a military team, dressed somewhat like the Stargate Command teams in regulation BDU's, fighting against a large contingent of Jaffa. Selmak surfaced in my father and insisted I come away, that that was not my fight. But something pulled me towards that mirror. I grabbed my father's hand and pulled him towards me just as I touched the mirror surface.
I'd never actually traveled through a mirror and, even now, I had to put the experience away somewhere to be analyzed at another time, for on rolling out the other side we were immediately engulfed in warfare. As my father dragged me behind a bush, hissing my name angrily, I turned and saw the mirror on this world being blown away by a staff-blast. From the corner of my eye, I saw it was still intact though shattered, and put this into the recess of my mind for later too. I heard Dad shout, "What now, Sam?"
Glancing over the top of the bush, I could see a young female soldier tied down by a triangulation of Jaffa. Without thinking things through, I immediately took one of the Jaffa out with my Zat gun. This of course, showed our position to the other two Jaffa. One maintained his fire on the soldier while one directed his fire towards us. I indicated for my father to leave me, to try and get behind the farthest Jaffa position. With a grimace, he acceded to my request and stealthily left our position.
I then shouted to the woman, hoping she understood English, to give me some cover while I took another look around. She must have understood, because fire came from her position and a couple of other points in the distance. As I rolled out into a small clearing I got a good look at the Jaffa ahead of me. They wore Apophis' crowns on their foreheads. I was momentarily shocked. Apophis was dead, wasn't he? I lost my bearings and felt shots coming ever closer. The woman shouted for me to get to the bushes to my right, but again I was distracted. Far over to the right, I saw a man mountain fighting in hand to hand combat with one of the Jaffa, and I could have sworn it was Teal'c. As that thought struck home, I felt the thud of a staff weapon blast hit my lower left leg. Rolling to the ground I fired my Zat anywhere I possibly could, without thought or reason.
Lying on the ground, all I could think was where the hell had we landed. The woman implored me to find cover, and I managed to drag myself into the bushes. The distraction I had provided by shooting at the Jaffa allowed my father to creep behind one of the other Jaffa positions, and his attack caused further distraction allowing the woman to see off the third Jaffa.
Suddenly, a kind of silence fell around us, and things seemed to occur in slow motion. I could hear gunfire in the distance still, and voices' ringing in my ears, but everything was like an echo. Suddenly, Dad's voice screamed, "What the hell, Sam!" and, at the same time, a female voice shouted, "Look out!" As I looked up I could see another Jaffa descending on my father. With one painful lunge I managed to get enough force behind my field knife to stop him in his tracks. As my energy left me, I dropped to the ground in agony. Dad cradled me to his chest as the woman approached us.
Just before losing consciousness, I looked into clear blue eyes that showed a surprised recognition. She murmured with a question in her voice, "Colonel Carter?" The rank of Colonel shocked me to the core about the same instant I recognized Lieutenant Astor. But she killed herself during the Zataarc testing, didn't she?
I woke up in some kind of hospital bed with Dad holding my hand and looking down at me. He harshly cussed me, "What the hell were you doing, Sam? You can't go on like this. Killing yourself is not the answer, Samantha. You lost it." As he calmed a little his voice became softer, and my father, who I thought knew nothing about emotion, added, "Sam, I've been there, I know what you're going through." Then he surprised me with his next words, "I also know that the Janet Fraiser I knew would not want you to do this. She..." Before he could get another word out, as if summoned by the name, a woman appeared in the doorway. In an all too familiar voice, the petite woman said, "Did someone say my name in vain?"
We turned towards the voice and I swear three mouths dropped open as one. I couldn't take my eyes off a living, breathing Janet Fraiser, and she seemed equally as awe struck. I could feel my father looking between the two of us, but I couldn't turn away. Eventually, I heard him mumble, "I'm just... huh... going to see their leader."
The woman who was a perfect match for Janet Fraiser approached my bed, and automatically reached for my wrist and pulse point. I recognized her look as she obviously felt a steadily beating pulse, and heard her deep sigh. Looking up, dark brown eyes met mine. All I could see was some long remembered recognition and a deep pain as her voice whispered, "Sam?" All I could think to say was, "Yeah..."
And that is how I found myself at the SGC Christmas party.
The party was being held in a ground level annex of the mountain and I had been asked to attend to celebrate my acceptance as part of this earth's Stargate personnel. Of course, I would not be a member of SG1, for the team of Colonel Kawalsky, Daniel, Teal'c and Captain Astor was managing very well without me. I had been asked to lead a scientific group operating mainly on base with only the occasional jaunt offworld. This suited my newfound persona very well. I had had enough of risking life and limb, as my father had said, Janet would not want me to lose my life needlessly. There was plenty more I could offer any Earth, any Universe.
Things between this Earth's Janet Fraiser and myself had been going along very nicely. In the six months I had been on this world we had become firm friends; after all we shared so many memories and past times. It was, however, to say the least, difficult at times as, although similar, our lives had actually followed very different paths.
Janet Fraiser on this Earth had met her Samantha Carter while still schoolgirls. They had fallen in love, gone their separate ways to study, Sam to University and then into the Air Force, Janet to medical school and then into hospital work, and then come back together to share their lives. They had been married (something I learned was above board and legal on this planet and, therefore in this Air Force too) for ten years when the Goa'uld Zataarc infiltrated Sam. In this world it was Samantha Carter who had taken her own life during Zataarc testing, not Captain Astor. Then, and only then, had this Janet Fraiser become involved with Stargate Command. It appears that Daniel and Teal'c, good friends of this Sam and her partner Janet, had approached the General after Sam had died, and Jack had resigned in despair, to see if she could become attached to the medical staff as a civilian. Gradually, Janet had introduced her virology knowledge into Stargate folklore and she had been asked to become the CMO two years ago.
Nevertheless, despite the differences, we became friends. It was this growing friendship that had allowed me to accept the offer of an on-base role in this command. Although, we hadn't voiced anything to each other, my own thoughts and feelings caused me to understand without the words, that this Janet could not stand to lose another Samantha Carter to the Goa'uld. For my part, I already knew I couldn't lose the friendship of another Janet Fraiser.
General Haigh had agreed to allow an occasional journey back to my own reality through the quantum mirror they now had on base; the mirror my father had used to return home to continue our worlds fight against Anubis and Klorel, while I remained to help this world fight Apophis. The two worlds had agreed to swap information regarding intelligence and technology. A major breakthrough in the fight against the Goa'uld for both universes, I think. I was acknowledged as the ambassador for both universes.
On one of my journey's home, I had met with Cassie and Dominic, and had told them of Janet Fraiser mark 2. They encouraged my friendship and Cassie had quietly told me, on no accounts, if the possibility arose, was I to waste any time with rules and regulations this time. Although there was nothing between this Janet and myself other than friendship, I understood exactly what she meant, and, deep down, I had the same resolve myself. I had also settled any differences that remained between SG1 and myself. To a man, Colonel O'Neill (retired) included, they accepted my decision to remain elsewhere and unconsciously encouraged my friendship with Janet Fraiser.
So, here I was at the Christmas party chatting away to Colonel Kawalsky about his latest escapade with Apophis, when my new Teal'c and Daniel wandered over to join in. I spotted Janet across the room and smiled at her. She gave me a beautiful smile back, and from nowhere special, from out of left-field, I felt my stomach tumble and my heart miss a beat, as she started towards us. Just as Janet neared our group, Daniel let slip that I was seeming more and more like their own Samantha Carter, and how uncanny and surreal it really was. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Janet stop with a lurch, her eyes filled with tears, and she made a sharp detour out the doors to the surface. As soon as I could I followed her. I suddenly knew my friendship had changed to something deeper; I no longer wanted to be like *her* Samantha Carter, I wanted to be like *my* Samantha Carter.
I found her quietly staring up at the sky and, without saying a word, I spent a few moments just watching her and looking to the sky myself. She was so deep in thought she didn't acknowledge my presence. The sky was beautiful and my thoughts were all jumbled. My Janet, this Janet, Cassandra, love, regrets. I could feel that Janet's thoughts were troubled too and, without thinking, I took a step towards her, feeling her close to me. As we continued to gaze at the sky, my hand reached out, trailing from her shoulder to her hand. We looked at each other carefully, and I felt myself pull her towards me. I put my arm gently across her shoulders, watching her face for a reaction. Seeing nothing to concern me, I whispered, "Janet?"
There was no answer other than an upturned face staring deep into my eyes. She canted her head quizzically to one side, and I was lost. I pushed her gently back against a wall, my hands on either side of her head; she slipped her arms around my waist and closed her eyes, saying, "Sam?"
She felt soft and ripe in my arms. I bent my face into her hair and smelt jasmine and vanilla, unmistakably Janet. I placed my palm softly onto her cheek; it felt like peach down. She raised her eyelids to look at me, just as I tilted her face to mine to kiss her. Her lips were full and soft, and now they parted slightly. I slid my tongue between her teeth and, in the warm darkness of her mouth, her tongue touched mine.
My knees buckled as I realized just what I was doing. Me, Samantha Carter, was kissing Janet Fraiser on the grounds of Stargate Command. I didn't care, I was in heaven, and this kiss was all I had ever imagined in the two years since I had lost my Janet. I pulled her closer and felt the curves beneath her dress all the way down my body. She moved her arms around my neck, sliding her hands into my hair, pulling my mouth even closer to hers. I was being consumed and it felt good. At last, reality kicked in, and I gently pulled away from her. "Janet, we have to... " came unbidden from my lips. There was no way in hell I wanted to stop, really.
"I know," was her quiet reply. Regretfully, she took my hand and guided me back towards the entrance doors. Her hand was on the handle when she dropped her arm and stepped back. Allowing me to go first, she waited till my hand was pulling the door open, before sliding her hand into the pocket of my chinos to pull me back. She whispered, "Can we go somewhere and talk?"
Looking back at her face, all I could do was to nod. We re-entered the party, swiftly downed our drinks, and made our way purposefully to the exit. As with any party involving friends, it took us nearly an hour to leave, but before leaving we had convinced everybody we were not party poopers, just a little tired and overwhelmed with each other's company. We had convinced the team, and most importantly ourselves, that we just needed some quiet time to work things out. This "thing" we shared, finding a lost friend, for want of better words, had its uses. Eventually, we left the mountain. By mutual consent we migrated to Janet's car, and thence towards her home.
Back at Janet's apartment, she immediately poured us both a glass of bourbon on the rocks and directed me to her simple but elegant living area. I sat down and watched her put some music on. Recognizing the gentle strains of Rachmanioff I relaxed into the chair and watched her sit down opposite me. Since those few words back at the base, we had not spoken a single word to each other, yet there had been a wonderful silent conversation between our eyes. I was pretty sure that Janet wanted the same as I did, but I was willing to wait and see what happened.
We sat in silence and I took the chance to absorb Janet Fraiser Mark 2. She was perfection personified. It felt funny to think this, since Janet Fraiser Mark 1 had been everything I wanted in a lover. So how could I think of this woman sitting next to me as perfect? I gazed at her face, looked at the lines, the fatigue, and the pale softness of her skin. This woman was different; she had lived a life I couldn't totally comprehend. And then it slowly hit me; I must be different to her too. I had lived a life she couldn't understand. We might share the names of each other's lost loves, we might even share the looks of each other's lost loves, but we were, and always would be different people. As such, I realized that this Janet Fraiser was indeed perfect in her own right. And if I allowed it to happen, she was available for me to, maybe, spend a lifetime with. I had never told Janet Mark 1 that I loved her. Sometime tonight I was going to make sure that Janet Mark 2 knew how I felt, whatever the consequences.
As if Janet had finally come to some sort of conclusion too, she slowly got out of her seat. Never taking her eyes from my face, she walked behind my seat and put a hand tentatively on my head and began to gently stroke my hair. I sat still, despite my decision of only seconds ago, not really knowing what to do. Suddenly, I stretched my hand back and took hold of her wrist. I drew her round to face me and carefully pulled her onto my lap. I ran my hand up her sleeve to her shoulder and onto her neck. Feeling the pulse throbbing warmly at her throat, I slipped my hand to the nape of her neck, drawing her face towards mine. Her lips parted and I once more slid my tongue into her mouth.
And that is how I found myself fulfilling the dream I thought I had lost.
I could feel my nipples going hard as Janet rippled her fingers lovingly over the sensitive flesh of my chest and abdomen. The petite brunette laying beside me captured a nipple between her teeth and lips, applying just enough pressure to make me squirm with a sensation somewhere between pain and ecstasy. One thing I could say about having a lover that already knew "me", was that she certainly knew how to please me. From day one in our love life Janet Fraiser had known exactly what to do to make me squirm.
My woman left the nipple standing erect and wet, letting the cool air of the room heighten its arousal, as she lavished further attention on its mate. Once again, she had me moaning and thrashing my head against the pillows as her fingers reached that part of me I never knew I had. Gently she took me to heights I adore with a gentle tickling of the hairs already wet with passion. I spread my legs in anticipation and could not stop myself from bucking in a foreshadowing of things yet to come. Janet paused and stared deep into my eyes with such desire that my heart skipped a beat. This was for me, only me. I arched my back and hissed with more sharpness than I intended. "If you stop, I *will* do you bodily harm."
A broad smile engulfed Janet's face. "Never fear, my love," she assured me as she lowered her head to my wanting, heated center. I could feel my juices already running hot as I desperately waited for her penetration. It was pretty obvious I was near to coming, and my very own personal doctor didn't need a degree in very much of anything to know that. I was damn sure she didn't need to give a few brief flicks to my exposed clitoris before lapping more at my flowing juices, but my lover did. I began to murmur, but Janet knew me completely, and suddenly, I felt her thrust two fingers deep inside me.
I was so ready that I exploded. My thighs clenched, trapping the gorgeous brown head tightly, as my knees raised involuntarily. Holding Janet's fingers captive with the strength of my orgasm, I could see she was rapt with the feeling. She grinned evilly as my contractions failed to die down. Then she twisted her hand gently, and it all began again. I screamed out, Janet's name flowing freely from my lips.
Gradually I came down off my high, to find Janet snuggled into my side. She leaned over and gave me a share of our lovemaking. As I tasted myself on her parted lips; I allowed my tongue to caress slowly and lovingly this woman whom I loved unconditionally. As our lips parted to allow the simple act of breathing, she wrapped her arms around me, and I thought I was in heaven. It felt as if we were finally one, just as I already knew our hearts were.
I whispered gently in her ear, "Janet, I love you. I never thought it possible to love someone so much. But, I do, my love, I do."
Her words drifted up to me as she earnestly confessed, "I love you, too, Sam. I really do. You have given me reason to live again, my love." She captured my lips once more as we continued to kiss and caress until we fell asleep, exhausted from our lovemaking.
As often happens after that sort of evening, I fell into such a deep sleep that on first waking I was completely disoriented. As I drifted up from sleep I realized two things. One, it was morning. The warmth of the sun played across my naked body, as I lay spread-eagled across the whole bed. And two, Janet was no longer by my side. Hearing a movement in the bathroom, I watched Janet dress, brush her hair and apply her make up in preparation for going to work.
Thoughts came unbidden as to what this gorgeous woman actually saw in me, Samantha Carter, scientist extraordinaire. Did she see me, or did she see her dead wife. Jeez, we are to some intents the same woman. But, and I remembered thinking this the night we had first kissed, I didn't want to be like *her* Samantha Carter, I wanted to be like *my* Samantha Carter. In the years we had been together, and it was all of two years now, we had never actually discussed our past loves in this way.
We had openly talked about each other's corresponding others, but had never openly discussed the differences; Never discussed the reasons we were now with each other. I knew this Janet was different, and I knew I loved her in a completely different way, but was it the same for her. We were getting married in few weeks time, and I knew I needed to hear the words that made me believe for once and for all.
Janet came back into the bedroom, straightening her blouse and fixing her tie. She looked up and stopped dead in her tracks when she noticed my look. "What's wrong Sam? And don't say nothing because I know you. Something is wrong."
I struggled to find the words but I was determined to say something right now. "Janet, do you miss Sam? Do you still love her? Do you see Sam when you look at me?" I paused to gather my thoughts and to let her consider her answer. "I love you so much, Janet Fraiser, but I want to love you as me, not as the Sam Carter you miss dreadfully. " I knew I sounded petty and insecure, but for some reason, that day I needed to know it was me she was in love with.
Janet came and sat beside me on the bed, and took both of my hands into hers, "Oh, Sam, what's brought this on after so long together. I could just say to you, 'do you miss Janet? Do you still love Janet?' But I won't, my darling, because you deserve an answer. Of course I still love, and, yes, I miss Sam. She was my wife and lover for over ten years. Of course you still love Janet, she is and always will be the mother of your daughter. But, and there is a very big but here, they are not with us anymore. They died, Sam, we didn't. There will always be a small part of me that is forever Samantha Carter's, but we have been given this unbelievable chance to love again, and I do, with all of my heart. You might not be my world's Sam Carter but you are *my* Sam Carter."
I was crying at this point, and it took all my control, to look deeply into her eyes. The love I saw reflecting back at me was so strong there was no way I could misunderstand her words. Janet Fraiser loved the Samantha Carter that was sitting in front of her, and I loved the Janet Fraiser that was holding me so tightly it hurt. The words were finished. I knew what I wanted to know. I took her into my arms and loved her in the only way I knew how, through my kisses.
By now we were both crying. Janet decided not to go into work, ringing in with some snuffley excuse. And we spent the next few hours just loving each other and talking. At last we were truly as one. We talked about Cassie, and how she was settled on my Earth. She was still with Dominic and they were both planning on avoiding the Air Force like the plague. Cassie was hoping to follow in her mum's footsteps and become a doctor. We talked about the two of them visiting in a month's time, the date we had set for our wedding. We even talked about having children of our own. It seems Janet and Sam had talked about the possibility but had never made the time. We talked about everything. We talked about my father and the Tok'ra, about Janet's family and how we had managed to explain me, and I suppose just as importantly, because it was where we were in this universe, we talked about my next jaunt through the Stargate. I was going to experience a lunar phenomenon that only happens once in millennia.
Me, of course, I was having a second bite at lots of cherries.
And that is how I found myself heading out to the watch the Singularity on Hanka for the second time in my life.
The End