DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters, or the show. I am merely allowing my mind to do what it wishes.
SPOILERS: Most of season 2, and the last episode of season 3.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Dreaming of an Orange Sky
I don't know where to start. I've been pacing around my apartment like a zombie for days now trying to make sense of it all. I just can't believe it, I don't want to - it still hasn't completely sunk in. You're gone.
About a week ago I got a call from my friend Joel who still lives in O.C. He said he read about you in the local newspaper, though truthfully I don't really believe he was ever reading the newspaper, except maybe the classifieds.
"Devastating Crash Takes Daughter's Life of One of O.C.'s Wealthiest." At least they got the devastating part right. I made him read me the article over the phone, asked him to send it to me. I just couldn't believe it, couldn't wrap my head around it. At first I thought he was just screwing with me, but then another friend of mine took the phone away from him and told me it was true. Those are when the tears started, and I'm still waiting for them to stop. You're really gone.
I know we haven't been together for a long time, but every now and then your face would pass through my mind making me smile just knowing you were out there in the world. I don't know where you are now. I feel lost, and hollow. Maybe part of you is here with me now as I write this. I can almost smell you in the room.
I'm trying my best not to yell at myself for not calling you, not keeping in touch. You broke my heart, and I had to get away. I guess part of me has been broken for a long time, and needed some distance before I could bring myself to talk to you again. Now I've lost my chance completely. You've broken me all over again.
I'm desperately trying not to hate Ryan for this. Though you never said so, I think he's the one who had your heart and ultimately took you away from me, and now even though I'm trying to pound it into my head, he took you away from me for good. Logic is telling me that I don't know what really happened that horrible night, but I can't help but blame him. I know, I know - I shouldn't, I can just hear your voice trying to tell me otherwise. I'm trying to convince myself that you wouldn't have wanted anyone else with you when you...God I can't even bring myself to say the word.
I'm in college now, believe it or not. I moved to Chicago, not sure if you'd heard - I'd like to think you'd cared if you did. I'm actually in a pre-med program which I know has to come as a shock. Me, Alex Kelly going to be a doctor. It even makes me laugh out loud when I think about it. I think I may go into Psychiatry in the end, see if I can help out other screwed up kids like you and me with parental issues. You're parents really loved you, though. Loved...I hate talking about you in the past tense. It's wrong, so very horribly wrong.
I miss the ocean so much...The following Valentine's Day after we broke up was really hard on me. I couldn't help but replay that evening in my mind, the smell of the ocean and sand. Your lips soft on mine. You were so nervous, so beautiful. I told you I have a ritual about going out when the tides change for when something really big is changing in my life. I knew that you taking a chance on a relationship with me was huge, and I still feel very lucky you did. Before I left O.C. I sat out by the ocean one last time to watch the tides change, and I thought of you.
I wish I would've swallowed my pride and talked with you before this, and I think I may always hate myself for not doing so. You meant a great deal to me, still do. You gave me back my heart which is something I will always be grateful for. I think in many ways you helped me find myself. Falling hard for you just seemed to flip a switch inside me for the better, and I will never forget that. You will always be in my heart, no matter where I go or what I do. I miss you.
I know I'm going to have to figure out a way to let you go. I guess I'm hoping this letter will help me start. I don't know where you are now, but if you run into my grandma, tell her Lexi says hi and that she should keep an eye on you. Who knows what kind of hell you're going to raise, haha. Wherever you are, I hope this letter will find you, and you'll know just how much you meant to me.
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