DISCLAIMER: CSI and its characters are the property of Jerry Bruckheimer and CBS.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The idea for the fic popped up in my head when I first saw 'a
bullet runs through it'. Finally I found the time and muse to put it down.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
THANKS: to aj and pixie child for the beta.
Oxytocin
By mirage
Sofia emptied her glass, the dark liquid burning its way down and settling with a warm feeling in her stomach. With a sigh she sat it down onto the bar and looked at the lean hand that held hers, her eyes following the thumb as it stroked her knuckles.
She still wasn't drunk enough to feel comfortable with the touch or even enjoy it and still she allowed it.
Why shouldn't she? It was the reason she was here, at least for what it could give her.
Oxytocin.
Sofia ordered a new shot before she turned to face her companion. "Ever heard of oxytocin?" she asked, already knowing the answer.
The other woman shook her head. Of course she hadn't, but that really didn't matter. At least she knew how to flirt as she leaned closer to whisper into Sofia's ear. "But I'm eager to learn."
Her perfume was heavy, taking Sofia's breath away for a second. In slight panic she asked herself again what she was doing here. This was Catherine's game, not hers. She wasn't that type of woman who went into a bar in search for some human contact. And still tonight that was exactly what she was here for.
The expecting gaze of her company told her that she was waiting for an answer to her invitation. Once again Sofia emptied her glass and then she told her. Told her everything she once learned.
Wasn't it ironic?
Here she was, trying to forget Sara.
But how could she when Sara was the one who had taught her all about oxytocin?
Unconsciously a faint smile played around her lips as she remembered what exactly had happened after her small lecture.
She still remembered the afternoon vividly.
After working three days non-stop on a high profile case she had gone straight home and to bed just to fall into a fitful sleep from which she woke up, feeling as exhausted as she had felt before. Unwilling to get up, she had tossed and turned, trying to get back to sleep, but the just closed case still haunted her.
It was the thirst that finally drove her out of bed and when she saw what was waiting for her in her living room she wished she hadn't refused to get up the first time she had woken up. It was a view she still wasn't used to as Sara seldom used the spare key she had given her.
Sara didn't seem the slightest surprised when two arms snaked around her neck from behind. She just closed her hand over hers and turned in her arms to kiss her. "You should sleep." She said softly, barely above a whisper, to make it easy for Sofia to go back to sleep.
But Sofia didn't want to go back to her bed. She wanted to stay right were she was, inhaling the unique fragrance that was her lover as she buried her face into her hair.
Her lover.
It was still new to call Sara that.
It hadn't been easy to get there, but back then she thought that it had been worth all the work.
There had been times, when she questioned it. When she had questioned everything about their relationship. But that came later.
At that afternoon she didn't knew what lay ahead.
"You're here," she mumbled. "Why didn't you wake me?"
"Because you need the sleep. Working with Catherine for three days takes its toll." It was meant as light banter, but the underlying frustration didn't go unnoticed by Sofia. It was understandable, it had been Sara's case before Catherine had stepped in.
"I'd preferred you." It was true and not just because of their romantic relationship.
"Well, it was Grissom's decision."
"Superiors are overrated. I should know I worked long enough for Ecklie." Sofia left her position behind the couch to sit down next to the brunette.
"You're right." Sara sighed. "You've got him that's all that counts."
"It doesn't feel like a triumph." Sofia muttered and suppressed a yawn. "With cases like this it never does." She snuggled deeper into Sara's embrace and closed her eyes.
Sara's fingers brushed through her tousled hair. "Go back to bed, I'll still be here when you wake up." She promised.
Sleep sounded beautiful to Sofia's ears, but she preferred to stay exactly where she was, in Sara's arms while her hands did wonderful things to her scalp. "What are you reading?" Sofia closed the book in Sara's lap to read the cover. She recognized the title immediately. "Should I be jealous?" she teased. "You spend much more time with Grissom's present than with me."
"It was a Christmas present."
"Honey, you were the only one getting a Christmas present from Grissom." Sara's connection to her boss was still a delicate subject.
"And I'm here with you and not with him." Sara signaled that she wouldn't discuss this again. It already had been the subject of many hours. She placed the book onto the coffee table and out of reach for her girlfriend. "and I won't go anywhere."
A shiver went through Sofia and Sara's arms tightened around her, slowly rocking them both back and forth. They sat like this for a while in silence, both occupied by their thoughts. The case still haunted Sofia and she grabbed Sara's hand, holding onto it and onto her lover.
"Ever heard of oxytocin?" a voice whispered next to her ear, offering a welcomed distraction.
"No."
"It's a hormone, crucial in the process of bonding and trust and causes the feeling of warmth and love. Touches and sexual orgasms release it." Sara's fingers softly brushed up and down Sofia's arms, and Sofia already felt the oxytocin work as warmth spread out from Sara's touch over her arms and the rest of her body.
This time she didn't close her eyes because she felt tired. "It even erases old memories so neurons can build new connections and new memories." There was an underlying promise of what these new memories would consist of when Sara's hot breath traveled over her neck.
She didn't know how, but when she opened her eyes again she was lying on the couch with Sara hovering over her. Her left leg between hers applied a soft, but torturous pressure to her sensitive parts.
"It's similar to endorphins, the endogenic opiates." Sara continued, her leg slowly moving. "When you're separated from your lover your feelings of longing and restlessness are nothing else then withdrawal symptoms, because your body misses the oxytocin." She stopped and pulled back enough so their bodies weren't connected any longer.
She didn't have to wait long for Sofia's reaction. "Well that's definitely a first." Sofia raised her eyebrows and looked up at her lover, pulling her on top of her again. "I know you're romantically handicapped, but calling me a drug-dealer that's....." she tilted her head in search for the right words "very unique." One thing was for sure, she definitely wasn't tired any longer.
Sara waved with a five dollar note she had found in the back pocket of her jeans. "How much do I get for this?"
Sofia shook her head. "Not much." Nonetheless she grabbed the dollar note with a smirk. "But you're lucky. I like you. You can pay in kind."
"How generous of you."
"That's how I am."
At this afternoon Sara had a lot to pay for when they both finally, satisfied and exhausted, fell asleep in each others' arms.
Looking back, the production of oxytocin never had been a problem in their relationship. It had been the other things they had to work hard for, but for some time it seemed like they would be successful.
Until insecurities, jealousy and misunderstandings were their constant companions and sex wasn't more than a chemical reaction.
Once again Sofia looked down at the hand that stroked her. It had left her hand to settle on her inner thigh, drawing little circles there. Green eyes smiled at her, the offer still there.
It would be easy to allow that hand to do things to her, to help her to forget what she once had.
For a moment Sofia allowed herself the illusion that she didn't miss Sara, that the feelings of loneliness and heartache were only symptoms of oxytocin weaning. That all she needed was a lot of touching and a good mind-exhausting fuck and she would be able to forget her, to erase the memories of their time together.
The moment passed and she smiled apologetically at her companion as she took the hand off her thigh. "I'm sorry," she said, "but oxytocin alone isn't enough."
Leaving the bar, Sofia wondered if Sara was missing her as much.
The End