DISCLAIMER: NCIS and its characters are the property of CBS, no infringement intended.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
SPOILERS: "Silver War"

Perpetual Buzz
By Geonn


Gotta stay up, keep moving, on and on, can't slow down, have to keep going, keep going, one foot in front of the other, rolling stone gathers no moss and all that... wasn't that a song? No. Like a rolling stone, by Bob Dylan, not the Rolling Stones, which is odd, yes? No? Maybe so?

Another Caf-Pow, another run to the convenience store. Taken to having those gross little crap-puchinos in my fridge. They taste like crap, but I guess that's the price you pay, the needle for heroin, you know, the price you pay for your fix, gotta chug 'em down to the bottom of the bottle so you don't taste it and just get the caffeine into your system.

Checking the fridge now, the Caf-Pow in my hand half-empty and I'm out, I'm out of caffeine, I'll need to run to the store and, hell, I might actually run to the store, I'm just so alive, so wired, so engaged, so ready to go. I pass her picture twice, three time, four times, I don't even notice until the fifth or sixth time and I take it off the wall and carry it with me, can't stop to stare, I'd end up bouncing on my feet, I'd end up bouncing off the walls, can't have that...

Kate's face bounces in the frame as I walk, but I know it's just my hands making her bounce and vibrate and the motion almost makes her look alive again, almost enough to fool me. Almost.

I stop at the couch and drop, holding the picture, running my fingers over her face, remembering. Remembering her shy laugh, remembering the way she touched my face the first time, remembering the way she trembled and the way she stood tall and the way she arrogantly stared me down when I was wrong and refused to admit it and oh, God...

I thought I wouldn't have time to cry. I thought if I filled every minute of every day with a buzz, in a perpetual haze, in a trembling shaking caffeine-laden fog that I wouldn't have time to realize what was and wasn't there, who was and wasn't there, what I was missing, what was gone, what I would never have again, and now...

Now I have to admit the reason I'm shaking is because I'm holding back tears.

Now I have to admit the reason I can't sleep is because my bed is too empty.

Now... I have to admit a lot of things.

I wipe my eyes and touch her face with my tear-stained fingers. "Bye, Kate. I'll see you later." I stand and go back to the hall, replacing her picture on my wall. I look at her one more time and return to the living room, leaving my half-full Caf-Pow on the coffee table.

The End

Return to NCIS Fiction

Return to Main Page