DISCLAIMER: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all the slayerettes belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. No infringement intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The writing style for this story is a departure from my usual style. I will not be telling you whose POV is in each chapter, unless it is necessary because of format. I'm sure you're smart enough to figure that out by yourselves. A big thanks to my beta Dirk who somehow manages to deal with my insanity.
FORMAT: For Chapters One through Three the format is as follows: Italics is used for emphasis and /// are flashbacks.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
FEEDBACK: To slaymaster415[at]gmail.com
She Comes To Me In The Middle Of The Night
Chapter Two-Antithesis Part One
I am running.
Why oh god why?
Why must the beast inside of me torture me so?
All I ever wanted was to just be a normal girl. How I have longed to only worry if Jimmy or Johnny, or whatever my latest crush's name is, likes me as much I like him.
Will he invite me to the Prom? If so, what kind of dress will I wear?
I have no idea where I am going. The fact that I am running through a graveyard is not lost on me. As much as I try to escape her, she influences my decisions.
And now because of her I have lost my very best friend.
And I am losing myself in the process.
I burst into the mansion, calling out Angel's name frantically.
He answers, and my legs give out as soon as I am inside.
I sob uncontrollably.
I feel strong arms wrap around me, comforting me. He gently tips my face to his own concerned gaze. As he tenderly wipes away my tears with his thumbs, it strikes me for the first time how cold his touch really is.
He cradles my face and asks, "Buffy, what is it? What's wrong?"
He has spoken to me of the irony of the situation; a vampire slayer dating a vampire. He has even warned me of the danger, reminding me that it is not just Angel and Buffy involved.
It is also Angelus and the Slayer.
And if given the chance, each would kill the other.
But of course I didn't listen.
After all we are soulmates.
He knew, and he didn't tell me.
Well suspected is really what he said.
How could he? I thought he loved me, respected me.
His demon had sensed the Slayer close to the surface in Willow's presence, not to mention the scent of Willow's arousal.
This last part angers me. How dare he smell Willow. He has no right to that. That is only meant for me er I mean her.
This last thought strikes me as odd.
My thoughts and feelings are all over the map.
At the moment anger is king.
Xander looks at me in concern. He sees the seething anger on my face and notices Willow darting out of sight every time I'm nearby.
He is trying to play Mr. Fix-It man, and it's pissing me off. He continually runs back and forth between us saying things like, "Come on Buffy, it can't be that bad. I know she misses you and whether you want to admit it or not, you miss her too."
We are standing at my locker when he says this and I am so mad I punch a sizable dent in it.
"Xander, shut up."
He pulls back a bit, and I see a trace of fear in his eyes at my public display. Before I can apologize, Snyder shows up and I am forced to spend an afternoon cleaning the school basement, a month's detention, and made to pay for the damage.
Stupid troll man.
I haven't talked to Willow in a week.
I can't avoid her permanently. We do share classes after all.
But I feel the Slayer rise to the surface every time I see Willow in class. I can barely hold her back anymore in Willow's presence.
I have no idea what is happening after patrol. Hell, I don't even remembering starting patrol anymore. I pick up my stakes, climb out the window, and the next moment I wake up to sunshine with Mom calling me to get ready for school.
Is she still taking me to Willow's? Is Willow still having sex with her?
Sex with Willow.
Willow, a girl.
Willow, my best friend.
I still feel so mad at Willow. How can she justify using my body like that?
Without my consent for God's sakes!
I don't care if the Slayer is a separate person er being whatever. It doesn't matter; we are both sharing the same body.
Don't I even get a say?
I've never even considered being with a girl. I mean, jeezus, I'm straight! I think about Angel, and I'm all mushy, goofy, and extremely warm in certain places.
But well I just have never considered Willow in that way. With all those sweaters hiding her body, it's hard to think of Will as um as anything but Willow. Sweet, smart, adorable Willow.
Not Willow as sensual.
Not Willow as desirable.
But I can't help wondering if the Slayer sees something I don't.
And really, really should.
I feel the need for comfort so I go to the one who understands me most.
I enter the mansion and immediately Angel is by my side.
I ask him how he knew I was there. He looks uncomfortable for a moment before flashing his game face.
I push him away.
He doesn't say anything.
He doesn't need to. I see the sorrow in his eyes.
And then he asks me a surprising question.
"I know how the Slayer feels for Willow, but what does Buffy the girlfeel?"
I stare at him, trying to get a beat on what he's asking me.
"What does that have to do with anything?"
He looks at me for a moment.
"Are you angry because the Slayer is using your body for sex with Willow, or are you jealous because Willow wants the Slayer and not you?'
His question stuns me.
He shakes his head sadly.
"Think about it."
Angel walks away, and once again I am left alone.
What the fuck is he talking about?
Okay, yeah, it hurts that Willow doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about our friendship; that she would rather be with the Slayer instead of me, her supposed best friend.
Does she really think that I am so shallow that I won't understand her need to be loved in that way? I was there for the Moloch fiasco, after all.
But maybe I didn't pay enough attention?
I always knew she was insecure. Is she only with the Slayer because the Slayer wants her? I'd like to not believe that. From what Giles has said, I don't think he does either.
I think on some level I have always known of the Slayer's attraction for Willow. The Slayer is always at the forefront during the Hunt, and I would often bring Willow with me.
The Slayer loves the innocent, genuine warmth radiated by Willow, something she never experiences in the dark. I can feel her overwhelming urge to protect Willow, to protect what the Slayer considered hers.
The way Willow watched the Slayer should have clued me in as well. She would smile shyly at the Slayer, and I remember how her eyes would sparkle as she watched the Slayer in action.
I brushed it off.
My inflated ego told me that Willow had never met a girl like me before. I am ashamed to admit it, but I felt it flattering that she thought so much of me. Someone, whom she considered beautiful and confident, picking her as a friend over Cordelia.
Willow is a wonderful beautiful girl, and it is ridiculous how she feels about herself. Sometimes I have the urge to knock Xander on the head for the way he treats her.
But is the way I treat her any better?
"Giles, this isn't working."
I feel defeated. These stupid meditation exercises Giles makes me do are supposed to help control her.
It's not working, and I just don't know what to do anymore.
I tell Giles that maybe I should just let the Slayer have complete control. Trying to be Buffy the girl and Buffy the Slayer is too much some days. He tells me to be patient.
He should know by now that patience was never one of my virtues.
It's been over two weeks now, and I finally feel a measure of hope.
While I am still unable to have complete control, the mediation exercises have at least gained me a sense of awareness. I am now at the point to where I am more and more present everyday in Willow's encounters with the Slayer. I just need to somehow have enough control to speak to Willow as me, Buffy the girl.
Willow, to her credit, has been holding the Slayer off from any sexual activity. I must admit to being surprised at their relationship being more than about sex. There is actually tenderness; and on a certain level, the Slayer, primitive as she may be, understands Willow's needs and provides them.
Unlike some people, accusing myself with every word.
It always seemed such a one-sided conversation during their meetings. Or at least it felt like that in the beginning to me.
Now it feels like something different.
The Slayer's speech seems to only consist of purring, growling, and grunting. But Willow doesn't seem to mind or even notice. Willow tells her secrets that I was not even aware of, and I'm supposedly her best friend.
Did I do that with Angel? Yes, I told him some things; but looking back I realize that I have opened myself up to Willow more than anyone. She knows some of my deepest, darkest secrets.
Why hasn't she shared hers with me? Is she afraid of my judgment?
Maybe it's because the Slayer does something I never do.
I fight so hard, but I remain an impassive observer as Willow comes to the doors and opens them for us.
Within seconds, the Slayer is in a desperate lip lock with Willow. The Slayer starts to grope, and I'm afraid that any second Willow will be flushed and naked below me. A thought, strangely enough, that doesn't bother me as much as it should.
But Willow pushes the Slayer back, holding her off. I feel the displeasure in the Slayer, but she obeys Willow's commands. Willow looks in our eyes, and I can see a spark of recognition in her eyes.
She knows I'm in here too!
Good, maybe I can talk to her.
She silently guides us to her bed and sits us down, looking at us in concern.
"Buffy?" she asks.
She brushes hair away from our face.
I try to speak, and only succeed in opening and closing my mouth. Finally I hear a struggled, "Yes." Escape our lips.
Willow's eyes open wide. I see flickers of fear only to quickly turn into a pleading hope, and a glimmer of, dare I say it love?
The Slayer sees it as well, and I can feel that she takes it as a sign of rejection. She pulls
back, with overwhelming sadness. I can barely feel our face, but I feel tears streak down our cheek. Willow reaches out to touch us, but the Slayer tries to flee.
The Slayer stops at the feel of Willow's arms circling our body, engulfing us in her love.
She buries our face in the crux of Willow's neck inhaling her scent, as Willow whispers soothing words of comfort in our ear.
Then, Willow pulls back, still maintaining a grip on the Slayer. I never realized how strong Willow is. Her grip actually hurts a bit.
"Slayer, I need to talk to Buffy." Again the Slayer tries to move away, but Willow pulls back the Slayer to her and kisses her. It is a kiss not of passion, but of love.
And resolve face is out in full force.
"Don't worry. I love you. I just need to talk to Buffy for a moment. You're not going to lose me."
The Slayer in a moment of tenderness lifts her hand to gently place her palm on Willow's heart and raises Willow's hand to rest on her own chest. Willow smiles and nods in acceptance of the Slayer's silent declaration of love.
The Slayer withdraws her hand. She tenderly takes Willow's and kisses her palm. After a moment, the Slayer releases Willow's hand and mentally retreats.
I am allowed finally to talk to Willow. I do however hear a warning growl in the back of my mind directed towards me. I inwardly glare at the Slayer and turn my attention to Willow.
"Willow, I think we need to talk."
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