DISCLAIMER: RalSt is owned by me, the others belong to themselves unless they've taken out huge loans with unscrupulous individuals using their bodies/souls/blood as collateral, in which case their ownership is up for debate.
APOLOGIES: To Anaglyph, Bones, HW, Kathryn, Rebs, X, Xak and Wyld, I hope you don't mind my taking the liberty of including you in this little piece of nonsense, but you people make up vjb for me...S, I'm sorry but you brought this on yourself lol
Slacker Central
By ralst
In the deepest, darkest, most dank surroundings of castle St. Ral, the corrupt and work shy denizens of vjb gathered for their weekly meeting.
"Hi guy's, what's up?" Chirped X, who for some reason known only to herself had arrived carrying a large magnifying glass and bottle of vodka...which perhaps explained her happy tone.
"Up?" Wyld squeaked, having been rudely awoken from his doze, "Ah! Morning X" he intoned in a far manlier voice, its similarities to a double base drawing giggles from the assembled writers. "What?"
"Nothing Wyldman," RalSt placated, her own smirk hidden behind the bottle X had most generously handed to her. "Okay people, I'm sorry to bring this up, but we have a slight problem."
"Problem?"
"What?"
"Is that Russian vodka?"
"Spit it out woman!"
"Is that problem with a U or without?"
As one they all turned to look at the woman engrossed behind the Standard American Dictionary, "Shut up Kathryn!"
RalSt gently took the dictionary away from her friend, hopeful that she could divert their usual four hour discussion on the merits, or lack thereof, of bastardising the English language...that's language with a U... "One of our brethren, a writer of previous flawless character and wonderful prose has turned on us."
The sound of seven people suddenly being forced to suck in their breath, reverberated around the room. Soon followed by one big exhalation, that almost knocked poor HW from his perch on the edge of the settee. "Who? Who would do such a thing?" Anaglyph demanded, while helping his fellow writer back into an upright position.
"It's S."
"S? Is that code?" HW asked eagerly, reaching for his ever present book of codes, as given to him by the mysterious traveller we are all still waiting to meet.
"I mean googooplex." RalSt clarified, "S to her friends, or should that be former friends" The odd little English woman took a moment away from her comrades to compose herself and make use of an handkerchief provided by Rebs. "She...she has broken the sacred trust." RalSt whimpered, burying her head in the vodka bottle and drinking heavily.
"Oh my god!" Reaching over, Xak forcefully pulled the vodka bottle out of RalSt's resistant grip and helped herself to a large swallow. "That's treason."
"I didn't know we had a truss," Wyld complained, still half asleep.
"That's sacred trusT." Rebs explained. "The thing that keeps us together as a group, the very foundation of our sisterhood."
"We're part of a sisterhood?" Anaglyph asked, cheerfully pointing to the other two males in the room.
"You'll always be a sister to me" RalSt slurred, throwing her arms around the startled man and planting a sloppy but sisterly kiss on his cheek.
"I think someone's had a little too much vodka." Kathryn chastised, before taking the bottle from Xak and deciding to join in the merriment. "Bottoms up."
"They...'hick'...are?" Xak beamed, looking closely at the assembled group, "where?"
"What exactly did S do?" X interrupted, trying desperately to get the conversation back on track, or failing that, to retrieve her vodka. It was always the same at these writers meetings, one good idea followed by several bottles of alcohol and then someone's on about kareoke, and before you know it the evening has come to an end and nothing had been achieved. It was the best damn secret society she'd ever been a member of.
Using Anaglyph to steady herself, RalSt managed to partially clear her addled mind, something so rare she actually thought of commemorating it in verse. "S has committed the one thing that we, as a group, can never forgive..."
"Aarrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" Wyld screamed, producing a miniature bat'leth from somewhere about his person, "She's written C/7!!!!!!"
"No, no, calm down." Turning to Rebs, RalSt gave the secret signal to have the tranquillisers put on standby, something that hadn't happened since the dark days of 'Human Error'. "It's not quite that bad...by the way, where'd you get the bat'leth?"
"E-bay"
"No, I meant just now." Crawling over Anaglyph, RalSt peered closely at Wyld's trousers, "do you have a secret compartment?"
The Englishman tried hard not to squirm as the odd woman crawled all over him, he'd been to enough of these event to know the level of strange behaviour he could expect. At least it was better than the time X and Xak got into a drinking competition to decide who came first alphabetically. Which in turn resulted in a pin the tail on the Paris competition and Rebs giving him four stitches in a rather delicate part of his anatomy to repair one of Xak's miss hits. "Perhaps we should get back to S and her treachery?"
"Yeah."
"What he said."
"Whose what?"
"Indeed"
"Okay, where was I?" Sitting up, RalSt looked to first Rebs then X to help her out, but they both looked as confused as she felt.
"You were about to tell us S's great sin." Noticing the vodka bottle was now empty, HW reached under his seat for a bottle of tequila, deciding that he didn't want to be the only sober one at the party.
"Right. Well firstly she leaves us for a whole ten days to go on holiday.."
"That's hardly a crime." Kathryn pointed out, fond memories of her last vacation swimming about in her head. "Unless...did she leave us with a cliff-hanger? I know you hate those."
"No...well, I'm not sure...I'll have to check. I've already read the last update so my memories a little clouded." RalSt confessed.
"Good wasn't it?" Came a voice from the far corner, where Wyld had retreated after the close inspection of his trouser area.
"I loved the tension.."
"..the messhall scene was just beau..."
"...alien is suspicious, I think.."
"Silence!" X screamed, quieting the excited mob and waking the one or two who had already fallen asleep. "RalSt, finish the explanation, before I die of old age."
"Yes ma'am." Sitting straighter in her chair and putting down the tequila bottle, RalSt briefly wondered why she was taking orders from someone a lot younger than her, before catching a glimpse of X's irritated expression, she hastily continued. "After returning from holiday, S sent a message to the populace of VJB, calling us..." Looking around she included them all in the next statement. "...slackers."
Thud!
Kathryn's head hit the floor, fortunately her blow was cushioned by an empty pizza box left over from the previous weeks emergence 'Lanna Vs B'Elanna' debate. Rebs was soon by her side, administering the patented vjb smelling salts.
"Slackers? Us?" HW flapped his arms to include the whole of the group, before modifying it slightly to leave out Kathryn. "But I posted an update, only this week."
"I posted a short and a KD update." X agreed.
"I finished another chapter of Home." Xak sputtered, covering herself with tequila in the process. "Even with my ISP headaches."
Wyld, Rebs, Kathryn and RalSt just nodded absentmindedly, hoping no-one would question them too closely.
"To be fair, I think she posted the 'slacker' comment before most, if not all, of those posts," said RalSt, "although that in no way excuses her crime."
"So what are we going to do?" Rebs wanted to know.
Taking the tequila bottle into her hands, RalSt faced them all solemnly, her usual good cheer and squint missing in this moment of utmost gravity. "I fear there is only one punishment that fits this crime." With eyes closed, she takes a gulp of the burning liquid, a silent pray for forgiveness making its way to the profits. "We'll have to spoof her work."
"Oh no!"
"I feel sick."
"Isn't that going too far?"
"God forgive me."
"Give me back the tequila."
"Holy cow."
"Ohhh goodie." X cheered, her mind already running over all the possibilities.
"I'm sorry, but I see no other choice." Lifting her hand aloft, RalSt turned her thump into a downward position. One by one the writers of vjb followed her lead, sealing S's fate. She was now officially on the spoof hit list. "Any other business?" Came a tearful plea, just before Rebs turned on the blender for their first batch of cocktails for the evening.
"Two things." HW piped up. "I'd like to nominate a few new candidates for membership, they've shown great T/7 potential and I think could help enliven our group, but firstly I think we need to send out a search party for Bones, as I fear she may have been assimilated."
"Lucky devil."
The End