DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. No copyright infringement is intended and nothing is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Feedback is greatly appreciated (especially if you like it). Single quotation marks denote thoughts. "So Complicated" by Carolyn Dawn Johnson used without permission. I love this song and it's so true for many of us.
DEDICATION: To everyone whose life has been complicated by love.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
So Complicated
By Lena Smith
'When did it happen? How? Where was I when everything changed? I'm so confused. This complicates my life to an unbelievable degree.' Sam gave a small chuff of laughter, or was it despair? 'For so many years, we've been the best of friends. Janet is the rock, the anchor, the stability of my world. She's always been my confidante, but now, how can I confide this to her?'
Sam reached out and picked up the picture from the end table, looking at it intently. It was a picture of herself, Cassie and Janet from a picnic they'd gone on last summer. Janet and Cassie were laughing at a joke she had just told them. Sam was smiling; her gaze focused on Janet. A photographer who was in the park had taken the picture. He'd said he'd enjoyed their "family scene" and sent them each a copy when he developed it. Was it then??? Sam shook her head slowly.
Janet and Cassie were due over soon for a cookout at Sam's. Sam put the picture down and went into the kitchen to start preparing the food. Her actions were mechanical as her mind replayed the epiphany of that morning.
Sam awoke in a wonderful mood. SG-1 had a week's downtime and she planned on spending much of it with Janet and Cassie. She hummed as she showered and dressed. She stopped at the landing, looking at the portrait of Cassie and Janet that hung there.
'She's so beautiful.'
Beyond her volition, her hand raised to touch the picture, a trembling finger tracing Janet's lips. Her legs gave way as it felt like a sledgehammer hit her in the chest.
"I love her. Oh God …… I'm in love with her." Sam whispered softly, stunned by the realization. She looked up at the picture again, the auburn hair her fingers itched to run through, deep brown eyes she could gaze into for eternity, the lips she longed to kiss, the gentleness that soothed Sam's soul. Sam felt as if her world had been turned upside down, a different person discovered within her. Unsteadily, Sam rose and staggered down the stairs. The foundation of her life had shifted and she attempted to regain her balance. She collapsed on the couch, trembling and uncertain of what to do next.
Bringing her mind back to the present, Sam found she'd prepared the steaks and vegetables for the grill, and the salad was done. 'I can't tell her. I can't. I've got to act as if nothing has changed.' "Oh God!" she said aloud. Sam got a cup of coffee from the ever-present coffeemaker and went out to the deck. She breathed deeply of the fresh mountain air, trying to calm her jangled nerves. As time passed, she felt better. Sam knew what she had to do. Now it was a matter of doing it.
Sam walked back into the kitchen for another cup of coffee when she heard Janet's key in the lock.
"Sam! We're here!"
That slightly southern-toned voice sent shivers down her spine. Sam cleared her throat and said, "In the kitchen!" 'Well, here goes.' She thought. Cassie came in carrying a tray of Janet's delectable brownies. She put it down on the counter and wrapped Sam in a big hug. Sam squeezed her back. "Hey squirt! Those look great!"
Cassie grinned. "Yeah, and Mom wouldn't let me sneak any!"
"You bet I wouldn't! Not before lunch!"
Janet came walking in carrying a watermelon almost as big as she was.
"God, Janet!! Let me take that!" Sam went over and took the watermelon from her and carried it to the small washtub sitting on the deck. "Janet, could you get the ice out of the chest freezer?"
"Sure!" Janet came out carrying two bags of ice, and she and Sam poured the ice over the watermelon to let it chill. After the task was finished, Janet hugged Sam and kissed her on the cheek. She felt the tension in the other woman's body and looked at her curiously. Sam *was* a little pale. "Sam, are you ok?"
"Sure!" she lied. "I'm just tired from these last few missions."
"Ok-ay" Janet said, not quite buying it. Sam hadn't looked like this at the post-mission physical. She was sure that something was up. She just hoped Sam would let her help.
Sam went back into the kitchen to get the drinks, her senses overloaded from that brief moment of contact. She could still smell Janet's shampoo, feel Janet's body against her own, Janet's lips on her cheek. 'Everything's ok! I can handle this!' Yeah, right. Her emotions and hormones were raging out of control. She steeled herself and took the tray outside.
"Mimosas?" She was going to need that drink today!
The afternoon had gone well, the steaks and veggies had disappeared, along with most of the watermelon and brownies. Of course, with a teenager present, that was to be expected. Cassie was sitting in the yard playing a game on Sam's laptop. The shadows were lengthening across the yard and the atmosphere was peaceful and quiet, music playing in the background. Janet glanced over at Sam. It was evident that she was still bothered by something.
Sam sat in the lounge chair, thinking. 'I never thought I could feel this way. I'm a military brat for heaven's sake! A very HOMOPHOBIC military.' She peeked out of the corner of her eye at Janet. 'Thank God, I don't think she suspects anything.' Sam's heart pounded at the image of Janet. 'But how could anyone not love her? Someone so sweet, kind and gentle?'
Sam sighed.
A new song started on the radio. One Sam had never heard before.
I'm so scared that the way that I feel,
Is written all over my face
When you walk into the room,
I wanna find a hiding place.
We used to laugh, we used to hug, the way that old friends do.
But now, a smile and a touch of your hand,
Just makes me come unglued.
Such a contradiction, do I lie or tell the truth.
Is it fact or fiction?
Oh the way I feel for you.
So complicated, I'm so frustrated.
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it?
Should I tell you how I feel?
Oh, I want you to know.
But then again I don't. It's so complicated.
Just when I think I'm under control.
I think I finally got a grip.
Another friend tells me that, my name is always on your lips.
They say I'm more than just a friend, they say I must be blind.
Well, I admit that I've seen you watch me from the corner of your eye.
Oh, it's so confusing. I wish you'd just confess.
But think of what I'd be losin',
If your answer wasn't yes.
So complicated I'm so frustrated,
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel.
Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't, It's so complicated.
I hate it. 'Cuz I've waited.
So long for someone like you
Oh, what do I do.
Oh should I say it.
Should I tell you how I feel?
I want you to know, but then again I don't.
It's so complicated...
As the song played, Janet watched the color drain from Sam's face. 'What the hell ……….'
Sam was rooted to her chair, the singer tearing at her heart, every word speaking true. When the song ended so did her paralysis, and she bolted toward the house.
The pain she had seen in Sam's face broke Janet's heart. As she rose and followed Sam into the house, she thought about the song that had stricken Sam so. 'Is it possible?' She found Sam sitting on her bed, tears coursing silently down her face. Janet got down on her knees before the weeping woman.
"Sam, honey … what's wrong? Please! Let me help."
With a tender finger she lifted Sam's face to look into her eyes. A myriad of emotions flowed through those blue depths: confusion, sheer terror, love … desire. With a soft sigh, her gentle lips met Sam's in a tender kiss. As she looked at Sam she saw new emotions mirrored, surprise and hope.
"That song did you in … huh?"
Sam nodded silently.
"Yeah, it does hit close to home, doesn't it?" With a soft smile, Janet viewed the beloved visage before her. She reached up and cupped Sam's cheek. "Oh baby … I have loved you for so long. Please, don't be afraid of this. Don't be afraid of US."
Sam searched Janet's face. "You're serious." She breathed disbelievingly. "You love me … I never … I can't … I didn't dare hope…." She stammered. Sam shook her head. "Just this morning …" She couldn't continue.
"That's what's had you so on edge all day?"
"Yeah." She paused, "I never believed you would …"
"You," Janet looked deeply into her eyes, holding her spellbound, "You are the only woman I have ever loved like this. The only PERSON I have ever loved like this." A rueful grin crossed her face. "I never loved dingbutt this much." That got a small laugh from Sam.
Janet rose and tugged Sam up, wrapping her in a loving embrace. They stood there quietly, each exulting at the feeling of the woman in her arms. "Janet, where do we go from here?"
Janet gave a low chuckle. "We're going to have to work that out, won't we?" She looked up at Sam. "But we just took the hardest step, admitting how we feel." Narrowing her eyes, "the Doctor" emerged. "Now, why don't we go get you something to drink … you've had a rough day."
She led Sam out the door.
They'd work it out.
Amazing what happens when you least expect it.
The End